Chapter 9
Chapter Nine
Emma
A t my usual seat around our office kitchen island, I take a slow sip of the margarita in front of me. And then another one. And another. Maybe if I keep drinking for long enough, I’ll figure out how to tell my friends my most closely guarded secret. The one I swore I would never tell anyone. The one I’m about to tell everyone.
Another sip.
“Stop stalling, Emma.”
I look over the rim of my glass at three pairs of eyes staring at me, expectantly, and I take a deep breath before setting my glass down.
No turning back now, I guess. Without the patience for fortitude or tact, I open my mouth and let it all out.
“I slept with Jeremy eight years ago.”
Silence.
Absolute, utter silence.
No sarcastic remark from Molly. No admonishment from Julie. No quiet disappointment from Hallie for keeping a secret for this long. Nothing.
I drop my head and stare down into my drink. If my stomach wasn’t churning and my brain wasn’t racing, I would probably laugh at my friends’ thunderstruck looks. But sitting here waiting for their reactions to a bombshell of a secret I’ve kept from them for almost a decade, I just don’t have it in me.
Julie recovers first, leaning across the island and laying her hand over mine. Surprised, I look up and meet her eyes. All I see there is quiet support.
“Talk to us, Em.”
I meet Hallie’s eyes, and then Molly’s, and all the encouragement I see has me sucking in a breath and blinking back tears. Right here around this kitchen island is family. It’s sisterhood and support and friendship and love. The kind that lasts lifetimes. I can tell them anything, and I know they’ll be gentle with my secrets.
So, I tell them everything.
I tell them about the gala eight years ago, the car ride, and Jeremy coming home with me. About the morning after and the way he left and how it made me feel. About knowing there was a big reason he left that had nothing to do with me and everything to do with him and wishing I had been mature enough at the time to talk to him about it. About how the longer I went without saying anything, the harder it got to bring it up until I finally just made peace with living in awkwardness. And about the trail run last week and Jeremy coming to pick me up later that night and staying with me and waking up to his note the morning after.
I talk and talk for what feels like hours, and I say more words at one time than I ever have in my life, and my friends listen. And when I’m done, I drain my margarita glass and say one final thing.
The truest thing.
“I like him. I always have. There was something about him I recognized right from the start. It’s what had twenty-two-year-old me jumping into bed with him. And it’s what has almost thirty-year-old me getting fucking butterflies over a finger under my chin and a handwritten note on my coffee table.”
Without a word, Hallie reaches for the margarita pitcher and fills up my glass. While she’s doing that, Molly slides her stool closer to mine and wraps an arm around my shoulders and Julie goes to our snack cabinet, coming back with our emergency candy stash.
I truly don’t know how any woman lives without girlfriends.
I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. “So there it is. All of it. You now know all of my secrets.”
Hallie catches my eye, and I immediately know what she’s thinking. That there is actually one more secret I’ve been keeping, but I’m okay to hold that one close a little while longer.
“That’s so much, Em.” Julie speaks first, tossing me a new bag of peanut M&M’s. “I’m sorry we teased you about your feelings for Jeremy so many times. You know we never would have done that if we had known.”
I wave that away. “But you didn’t know. And, I mean, you weren’t wrong. I do have feelings for him. I don’t totally understand them, and I’ve spent a lot of time shoving them down, but they’re there anyway. I’m self-aware enough to know they aren’t going anywhere, no matter how much I wish it were different.”
“But do you though?” asks Hallie. “Wish it were different, I mean.”
I lean my elbows on the island, propping my chin on my hands. “I really don’t know. Until the last couple of weeks, I’ve honestly tried my hardest not to think about it. But ever since the day I ran into him on the trail, it’s like I can’t stop thinking about it.”
Molly reaches for a bag of Reese’s Pieces and tears it open, tossing a handful into her mouth, chewing thoughtfully.
“For what it’s worth, I’ve always thought you would be good for him. That you would be good for each other. I’ve never known anyone who handles people’s feelings more gently than you do, and he seems to have a lot of feelings simmering below the surface. He’s an outgoing, friendly guy with this core of kindness and decency. I think you guys might be each other’s perfect match.”
“Molly’s right,” says Julie. “Jeremy would do literally anything for the people he cares about. Like when he helped Asher through his retirement and then brought him into the foundation. You deserve that, Em. I think you understand him and can relate to him in a way that so few people can. He deserves you too, and I rarely think someone is worthy of one of my friends.”
“What do you want, Em?” Hallie studies me, consideringly.
I think about that for a second, and the answer is surprisingly simple.
“I want to forgive him for running eight years ago and forgive myself for letting him go. He was confused and I was young, and I think it’s time to put that behind me. I want us to be easy with each other, the way we were while we were running and the night of the storm. Real friends. I don’t know what happens after that, but it seems like a good place to start.”
“One step at a time.” Julie nods. “I think you’re just exactly right.”
Hallie hums in agreement. “Friends first is the best way. I can tell you that from experience.” She glances down at her engagement ring and smiles, no doubt thinking about the lifelong friendship she and Ben shared before they tried for more.
“Okay, but can I just ask one more question about that night before we leave it in the past?” Molly leans in, her face serious.
“Sure.” I brace myself because knowing Molly, her question could be literally anything.
“Does he have an award-winning mouth too?”
Her question is exactly the vibe switch I need, and I drop my head back and laugh. “Molly, you don’t even know.”
She nods, sagely. “That’s what I thought.”
The satisfaction on her face for correctly identifying this fact has me collapsing into giggles again, which sets Julie and Hallie off. Ten seconds later, we’re all laughing hysterically, tears streaming down our faces. When we finally pull ourselves together, Hallie gets up to make a new batch of margaritas, and Julie whips out her phone to order tacos while Molly peppers me with questions about Jeremy’s sexual prowess which I answer because, honestly, it’s in a league of its own and details like that deserve to be shared.
Once we’re a little tipsy on tequila and devouring tacos, I look around the table and say a silent thanks for the luck that brought these women into my life and the soul deep knowledge that I will always have them on my side.