Chapter 18
Chapter Eighteen
Jeremy
M y words hang between us.
Words I’ve said to Emma in my head a million times and a hundred ways between then and now but never thought I would say out loud. Words that could change this easy rhythm we’ve found between us, and I don’t know if it would be for better or worse. Words I was warring with myself over, but somehow, she understood. Somehow, she sees me. All of me. Even the parts of me that I keep hidden from everyone else.
Either way, the words are out there now and thank fuck because if I don’t get my lips on hers, I might just die from the wanting. I might not deserve her, but god, do I want her. I want all of her. I want her mind and her body and her calm and her heart and the way she knows me, and I want my hands on every single curvy inch of her with absolutely no barriers between us.
Time stands still.
And then?—
“Please.”
Emma’s single word, spoken less like a plea and more a command.
Cupping Emma’s face in my hands, I lower my mouth to hers. One single touch of our lips is all it takes. My entire world tilts on its axis. I know without consciously knowing that this moment right here is the line that divides my life into what it was and what it could be, if only I can find a way to be brave enough to grab it.
Emma lets out a little sigh and the sound is gasoline poured into my veins.
“Fuck, Ems,” I mutter, capturing her lips with mine again.
One touch of my tongue to her lips and she opens for me like she’s been waiting for this forever. My tongue strokes against hers, and she tastes like chocolate and cereal and everything good. When Emma tangles her hands in my hair, tugging just enough for the slight sting to shoot straight to my dick, I slide my hands around her neck, tilting her head back to take the kiss deeper.
There is no deep that would be deep enough. Not now. Not with Emma. Kissing her feels like salvation. Like she sees the heavy weight I carry and wants to help bear the burden. It’s intense and powerful, and it scares the shit out of me but also doesn’t because this is Emma and me. It’s been eight years since the last time I kissed her, but the feeling is the same. Part of me knew then and all of me knows now.
We are inevitable.
It’s the thought that drove me out of her bedroom eight years ago and it’s the thought that has my hands shaking even as I kiss her harder. Deeper. With every single part of me.
Heat licks up my spine as our mouths move together, and I wonder briefly if Emma can feel how this kiss is affecting me, how desperately I want her, and then I know she can because she shifts forward, knees parting just enough to straddle my lap, never breaking the kiss. One roll of her hips against mine and her gasp into my mouth and I’m riding the edge so fast I’m lightheaded.
I want her with a ferocity that feels primal, embedded in the deepest, darkest depths of my soul. It’s that want that has me breaking our kiss, tearing our mouths apart and laying my forehead on hers. Our chests rise and fall in sync, hearts beating out the same staccato rhythm.
Mine.
Mine.
Mine.
“Why’d you stop?” Emma asks breathlessly.
I chuckle, just as breathlessly, even as anxiety and lust braid together and race through my blood.
“Trust me Ems, there is nothing I want more right now than to kiss you here on this couch for the rest of the night. And…other things.”
I give her a sly grin, and with a glint in her eye, she rolls her hips again, sliding her pussy right along my hard cock, the clothes between us not enough to disguise the warmth of her.
“Let’s go ahead and do that then,” she says.
Caught between a laugh and a groan at how good she feels, trying to restrain myself from tearing off every barrier between us, I grip her hips and press a kiss to her forehead, then lean back so I can look her in the eyes. The sight of her—face flushed, eyes bright, lips a little swollen from kissing me—has me reevaluating what I’m about to say, but I hold firm.
I need to figure my shit out. And she’s worth it.
“I can’t believe I’m about to say this because, well, clearly, I want you. Badly.”
I gesture to where my dick is tenting my shorts, and Emma huffs out a laugh.
“But I think we should take this slow. We never talked about what happened eight years ago. One day, we should.”
At the mention of eight years ago, Emma breaks eye contact, looking everywhere but at me. I grip her chin gently and bring her gaze back to mine, giving her a little bit more of my truth.
“I messed up back then, Ems. Badly. I don’t know a lot about relationships and permanence, and I can’t guarantee I won’t fuck it all up again, but I’d really like to learn how not to. I think maybe that starts with spending more time together like we did tonight. You’re worth it. You’re worth everything, Ems.”
Emma kisses me softly before sliding off my lap and sitting back on the couch facing me.
“I think you’re wrong, you know.”
“Wrong about what?”
“You won’t fuck it up. And even if you try, I won’t let you. You’re not the only one who messed up back then, Jer. One day we’ll talk about it, but I think for now, maybe it’s time we both forgive ourselves for that night and focus on what’s happening now.”
This woman. I would crawl on my knees for her. In the sexy way. And also, in any other way she wanted me to.
“I think you’re right.”
She grins at me. “I’m always right. Want to watch more of The Office and eat leftover cereal with me?”
I breathe a small sigh of relief that the feelings portion of the night is over. I’m no good at it. I want to try to be, but I’m afraid that maybe my brain is wired in a way that makes all this just a little too terrifying.
“There is literally nothing I want to do more.”
She jumps off the couch and straightens her sweater. “I’ll get the boxes. I’m pouring M&M’s into the Reese’s Peanut Butter Puffs. The combo will explode your world.”
I beam at her back as she walks towards the kitchen. And then we sit in front of the TV for hours, eating too much cereal and mixing it all with different flavors of M&M’s and stealing kisses between episodes, and it’s the perfect night.
When it’s time for me to leave, Emma walks me to the door, but before she can pull it open, I spin her around and push her back against it, gripping her hips while I kiss her deeply. As my tongue slicks along hers, she brings her hands up to tug at my hair the way she already knows I like and hooks her right leg around my calf, bringing our hips flush. I can’t help but grind into her a little, groaning into her mouth at the friction on my cock, visions of taking her upstairs and stripping her naked to sink inside her taking over my brain.
It’s Emma who breaks the kiss this time, pushing me back gently with a wry grin.
“I think it might be easier to take this slow in theory than in practice.”
“Fuck yes, it is,” I mutter, leaning down and kissing her cheek.
“Thanks for tonight, Ems. I think it was the most fun I’ve had in a long time. Do you want to run this week?”
“I really do, but I don’t think I can. I don’t want to leave Maddy yet, but when she goes to school next week, I’m going to try and run after she gets on the bus, before I go to the office. Nights are off the table for a while, so I guess I’m going to start seeing what you love so much about morning runs.”
She rolls her eyes and makes a face, like she can’t possibly understand what’s so great about running first thing in the morning.
I chuckle, enjoying the hell out of her.
“Just let me know when and I’ll be there. If you want me to be, that is.”
She nods with certainty. “I want.”
“Then I want to. Also, I’ll text you the camp details so Maddy can come learn to skate next week.”
I wish I could be the one to teach her , I think again.
Like always, Emma reads my mind. Reaching down to take my hand, she links our fingers together, squeezing my hand the way she does when she’s offering comfort. She leans up and kisses my cheek, whispering a goodnight into my ear, and I wrap her in a tight hug, kissing the side of her head, and then leave before I do something like beg her to let me stay.
As I walk to my car, contentment washes through me at the same time as anxiety pools in my stomach. It was all a little simpler sitting on the couch in Emma’s warm, happy house, kissing the breath out of her for the first time in eight years, feeling the rightness of it all. Stopping us from taking it too far so I don’t screw it all up again.
As the chill of the fall night seeps into my bones, it suddenly seems like the opposite of simple. I’m the last person who knows how to be in a relationship of any kind. If I could do it for anyone, it would be Emma, but my trauma runs deep, and permanence scares the shit out of me.
Needing a distraction, I turn on my phone as I slide into my car and pull up my email. I click on one from a name I don’t recognize. The subject line reads getting in touch, and it’s not immediately suspicious since I get all kinds of emails from people I don’t know through the foundation. But as soon as I open the email, I wish I hadn’t.
From: [email protected]
Subject: Getting in Touch
Dear Jeremy,
You don’t know me, but my name is Brian Simpson, and I think I might be your brother. I know this is a bizarre email to send someone out of the blue, but I thought it was the best way to get in touch. I thought about calling, but didn’t want to ambush you. At least with an email you can decide whether you want to respond or not.
It’s a long story, and I would love to tell you the whole thing, but the short version is that I’m pretty sure we have the same father. I think we’re family.
If you would be up for it, I would really like to meet you. I live just outside DC in Bethesda, Maryland, so we actually aren’t that far apart. I know this is probably a huge shock, so take all the time you need.
All the best,
Brian
What the fucking fuck ?
I read the email again, and then two more times before I finally stab the delete icon so fast my phone slips out of my hands and tumbles to the floor of the car. I pick it up with a shaking hand and drop it into the cup holder before finally turning on the car and driving away, words like brother and father and family slamming into my head like hammers. All the way home I try to convince myself it’s a scam, terrified of the small part of me that hopes it’s real.
Emma
I close the front door behind Jeremy and lean back against it, closing my eyes and blowing out a breath. I can still feel the ghost of his kiss on my lips, and the damp spot between my legs makes me want to run upstairs to find a vibrator and conjure up some fantasy of what would have happened if Jeremy hadn’t stopped us with both uncertainty and determination in his eyes.
He doesn’t think he’s good enough for this. He doesn’t think he’s worth someone who will stay. He didn’t believe it eight years ago and he doesn’t believe it now, but joke’s on him, because I’m not going anywhere. I couldn’t look him in the eyes for eight years, but I see him now. The broken boy and the good man. The boy afraid to let anyone know all of him and the man who buys eight boxes of cereal to make a little girl smile. The boy who doesn’t understand permanence and the man who looked at me with a fierce need in his eyes.
I want all of him to be mine.
Heading up the stairs, I gently push open the door to Maddy’s room to check on her. I smile at the picture of her fast asleep, a stuffed dog under each arm, low light burning in the corner. It was a good night. A night that made me think that I can really do this. Care for her. Give her what she needs for as long as she’s with me. Tonight, I fell a little in love with her. Felt her heart braid into mine just a little more with every smile and giggle and word she spoke. I want to be good at this with a ferocity that surprises me. Tonight made me feel like maybe I already am.
Closing the door quietly, I head down the hall to my own room. I see the note as soon as I walk into my bathroom to get ready for bed. It’s taped to the center of the mirror, Jermey’s now familiar handwriting standing out against the white paper. He must have left it here when he got up to go to the bathroom while we were watching TV. I didn’t even notice him go up the stairs.
Ems,
You are doing such an amazing job with Maddy.
Thanks for letting me be a part of it.
I can’t believe I get to kiss you now. That’s amazing too.
Jeremy