Chapter 40
Chapter Forty
Jeremy
W hen I come back downstairs, my living room is full of people. So many people. But after a cursory glance around, I realize none of the people are the one person I want to see.
Emma’s words, I fucking fight for what’s mine , played in my head on a loop during my shower. Her green eyes blazed when she told me she would find me no matter where I ran. I want her to tell me over and over again until I can make my head believe it.
I wish I could still be angry. I was, for a while. But by the time I got out of the shower, the anger had passed and what’s left is sadness. A deep, pulsating sadness that has settled in my bones and etched itself onto my soul. The grief for the life I could have had is so heavy I’m surprised I’m still upright. The father who didn’t want me. The brother I don’t even know. The certainty that I will carry this sadness for the rest of my days.
Not interested in talking to anyone who isn’t Emma—and not sure I even deserve to be talking to her—I pivot on the stairs and I’m about to sneak back up when I’m stopped in my tracks.
“Jeremy Ethan Wright, I know you’re not about to walk back up those stairs right now.”
I freeze with my back still turned, closing my eyes and drawing the deepest breath I can manage, letting it out slowly to stall for time.
“She full-named you, man. There’s no coming back from that. You better just get the fuck down here.” Ben’s voice is serious but laced with humor.
“He’s right, Jeremy,” Rachel says. “I know you’ve been through it today, honey, but we’re not leaving until you talk to us, so you might as well just come down here.”
Too exhausted and broken to argue, I turn and walk down the stairs. Rachel is waiting for me at the bottom, and my feet have barely hit the floor before she’s wrapping me in a tight hug. My body tenses and adrenaline floods me. My instincts scream at me to reject the comfort Rachel offers. If I don’t accept it now, I won’t miss it later.
But Rachel just holds on tighter.
“Where’s Emma?” I manage, wishing it were her arms around me.
“At home. She called us. She loves you so much, Jeremy. Enough to know what you need tonight is parents and brothers. We’re here for you. All of us.”
I draw in a ragged breath that sounds more like a sob, and my fists clench with the effort of holding myself together. Rachel doesn’t miss a thing.
“Sweet boy,” she murmurs to me. “I wish I had known how much you were hurting all these years.”
I choke back the emotion clawing its way up my throat. “Even if you had known, there was nothing you could have done.”
Rachel pulls away and puts a hand on each of my cheeks so she can look me right in the eyes. The way her eyes blaze with ferocity and emotion and the smallest bit of anger reminds me so much of Emma. The two of them are formidable. The strongest protectors. And for some reason, they want to protect me. I have to blink to stop the tears threatening to form.
“Bullshit, Jeremy. I knew you kept a lot inside of you, but if I had known how badly you were hurting, I would have come to this house and hugged you every single day for the last twelve years. I would have told you every single day that I love you. I would have reminded you that you are as much mine as my own children are and you have been since the first time you walked through the door of my house all those years ago. I would have told you, over and over again, that you are a part of my family, and we wouldn’t be the same without you. I would have made sure you knew that there will never be a day when we don’t need you. We need you, Jeremy. All of us. We are your family and family never leaves. Ever.”
“Rachel,” I choke out, not able to say anything else for fear of breaking down right here at the bottom of the stairs.
“I’m going to try really hard not to be mad at you for thinking that I would ever leave you. Or that Steven would. Or that Ben and Jordan would. Asher’s newer around here, but someone worthy of marrying my daughter is someone who sticks.”
“Fuck right I am,” Asher says from his place on my couch, glowering at the mere suggestion that he would be anything other than loyal.
“Family isn’t just blood, Jeremy. Family is what’s inside here.” She lays a hand over my heart. “And in this family, we know all about what’s inside. You do too, honey. You just think you don’t.”
I hear what she’s saying, and I want to believe it. I want to grab the words and shove them in my head and then grab onto all of my people and never let them go. But abandonment runs deep, and that shit sticks.
“I can see your brain conjuring up all sorts of arguments, so before you give them to me so I can tell you why they’re wrong, why don’t you come sit down.”
Rachel takes my hand and leads me into the living room, pushing me toward the couch where Ben, Jordan, and Asher sit. Before I can take the empty seat, Ben stands and hugs me with both arms.
“You’re my best fucking friend, Jeremy. My brother. Today, tomorrow, and every day after that. I would never leave you, ever.”
When Ben is done, Jordan takes his place and when he speaks, his voice is uncharacteristically serious. “After Allie, you and Ben are my favorite people, and I love you. If I have to move into this house with you to prove to you that I’ll never leave you, I swear to God I’ll do it.”
After Jordan comes Asher, and he crashes into me like the puppy dog he is and holds on tight. “I might not have known you as long as they have, but I don’t love you any less.”
And then Steven Parker is there. While Rachel is loud in her love, Steven’s love is quiet but no less powerful. With both of his arms around me, he whispers words only I can hear.
“I’m sorry for how much your father hurt you, Jeremy. And I’m sorry for him that he never got to know his remarkable son. I know I’m not your real father, but I’ve always thought of you like a son. Don’t ever think you don’t belong to anyone, that you’re not worth anyone staying around. You belong to Rachel and me, and you’re worth everything.”
By the time he lets me go, I’m holding onto my control by a very loose, fraying thread that is threatening to snap at any moment. I’m sitting on the couch with my eyes firmly fixed on the floor, trying to collect myself, when a beer appears under my nose. I look up and Rachel is standing above me, arms full of bottles.
“I ordered pizza. We’re drinking and we’re eating and we’re talking, and none of us are leaving here until you are so soaked in love and family that you have no choice but to believe us when we say you’re ours forever.”
I let out a short laugh. “I think it might take more than pizza and beer and words of affirmation, Rachel.”
Rachel gives me a satisfied nod. “I’m glad you realize that because, of course, it will. I’ll also be leaving you with the name of a therapist I found who specializes in childhood trauma. All the love in the world isn’t going to fix what’s broken until you teach your head that you’re worthy of having people who stick. A professional who doesn’t love you is the best person to help with that. You owe it to yourself to take that step, honey. And you owe it to Emma. She loves you, and I know you love her too.”
At Emma’s name, my chest tightens with emotion again and anxiety at the fact that they’re all here and she isn’t. Suddenly I can’t control the words coming out of my mouth.
“I do love her,” I choke out. “I love her more than I thought I was capable of loving anyone. I love Maddy too, and I want them both. I want us to be a family, but no one ever taught me how to have one of those. Everyone I ever loved or who was supposed to love me walked away.”
Jordan elbows me in the side. “What the actual fuck, dude. I’ve known you since college, and I love you even though sometimes you’re annoying as shit, and I’ve never gone anywhere. Neither would my girl, and it’s not because you’re the only person who makes her margaritas the way she likes them.”
Rachel looks around the room thoughtfully. “I mean, there are five people in this room who have never walked away, and another four currently having a girls’ night at Emma’s house who wouldn’t leave you if you were a house on fire. Five if you count Maddy, and you should because that girl loves you more than she loves Taylor Swift, and that’s saying something because have you ever heard her belt out ‘Lover’?”
I laugh a little, and it feels rusty, like maybe my body has forgotten how to be happy. If it were just me, it might not bother me, or it would, but I would ignore the unhappiness like I always have. But Rachel’s reminder of my girls has me wanting to figure this out. To learn how to believe Emma when she tells me she’s not going anywhere and to teach Maddy to trust that the people who love her will stay. I want to be better for them and the life I want to build. Because nothing means anything if I can’t have them with me.
“You know, when I was a mess the day I found out about my shoulder last winter, you told me that it helps to talk about what you know. No feelings; only facts.” Asher rolls his bad shoulder and then shrugs. “It helped me. So, what do you know?”
I push my feelings aside and think about what I know.
“My father has known about me since before I was born. He kept tabs on me for my entire life, so he knew where I was living and what I was doing, but he never came to get me.”
“Fucking asshole,” Ben mutters.
“No feelings from you either, Benjamin,” Rachel says. “Even if you’re right,” she mumbles in a low voice.
“Cut it out, both of you.” Asher points a finger at Ben and then at Rachel. “You’re ruining the facts only portion of the evening.”
Rachel levels him with a narrow-eyed gaze. “You sure you want to talk to your mother-in-law like that?”
Asher just grins at her. “You once told me to think of you like my own mom. I would say that to her, so I’m saying it to you.”
“Touche,” Rachel mutters.
Steven laughs and tosses an arm around Rachel, tugging her closer to him. “Give it up, Rach. You love Asher, and he knows it. Your days of playing intimidating mother-in-law are long over.”
“But did they ever even really start?” Asher muses. “I seem to remember us baking a cake together the very first time I met you. Sorry, Rachel, but no one can be intimidating with flour on their nose.”
Rachel heaves a long-suffering sigh, but she’s smiling. “Fine. You win. I guess now I’ll just have to wait for Molly to find someone. Her parents are all the way in California, so I’ll play local mother-in-law and intimidate whoever she brings around.”
This time when I laugh, it’s real, the comforting banter lifting the veil of my sadness, just enough that I can see through it.
“We got sidetracked, but we’re not done,” Asher says to me. “What else do you know?”
I take a breath and then tell them the other big thing I learned today. Even though I’m sure Emma told them already, they haven’t heard it from me. “I have a brother. A real one. Well, a half-brother, I guess. I wasn’t very nice to him when I left his house earlier today. It’s not his fault that his…our…”
I break off, suddenly hating the idea of calling that man my father. He’s not. He wasn’t then and he isn’t now. My eyes drift to Steven. I know what a father looks like, I realize. I’ve known this whole time. I know because he has shown me since the day I first walked into their house with Ben my freshman year of college. I try again.
“I have a brother. His name is Brian. He didn’t know about me until after his father died.”
Asher nods. “That’s unfair to both of you. Like you said to me, there’s not much of a silver lining here. You’re hurting, and you might be hurting for a while, but we’re here for you. All of us. Today, tomorrow, next week, next year, as long as it takes. Because family sticks. All you can do is take one day at a time. So, what are you going to do first?”
I think back eight months to the night Ben, Jordan, and I sat in Asher’s living room the day he found out he had to retire from professional football. I asked him that same question, and I remember being surprised by his answer. Ben and Jordan understood it, but I didn’t. I do now though.
“I need to talk to Emma.”
“You get it now,” Jordan says with a smile, no doubt remembering the same thing I am.
I nod. “I do. She’s my person. I have a lot to work through, but it doesn’t feel right to talk about anything until I talk about it with her.”
“That’s just how it should be,” Rachel says. “It’s not her job to fix you. You’ll have to do the heavy lifting on your own. But it will be lighter because she’ll be there to help you carry it. She’s always been your other half, Jeremy, and you hers. Take the night. Eat with us and get some sleep. You and Emma will have plenty of time to talk tomorrow, and all the days after that.”
The doorbell rings then, and Steven gets up to get the pizza. The guys go into the kitchen to get plates and more beer, and Rachel comes over and sits next to me on the couch, wrapping me in another hug and pressing a business card into my hand.
“Also for tomorrow,” she whispers. Then she cups my face, kissing my forehead and both of my cheeks, before smoothing my hair away from my face in the long-standing Parker gesture of comfort. She has done this for me so many times over the years I have known her, but this is the first time the gesture has tears blurring my eyes and the bubble of my emotion threatening to burst. Because for years, my family has been right here, and I’ve never been brave enough to trust it. To believe it.
But tonight, with my brothers around me, the only parents I’ve ever known standing close by, and the woman I love more than I ever thought I was capable of loving anyone and the little girl who needs us both just a couple of miles away, I feel that trust and belief hanging closer than it ever has before. Like maybe, if I try just a little harder, I can reach out and grab it.
And once I do, I’m never letting it go.