Chapter 43
Chapter Forty-Three
Jeremy
W e’re waiting in the carpool line when Emma starts fidgeting. She twists her hands together, clicks her phone on then off again, picks up her coffee and puts it back down, and rummages through the center console to find god only knows what before snapping it closed with a sigh. It’s so unlike her that it would be amusing if I didn’t think there was something behind the uncharacteristic behavior.
“You want to share with the class, Ems?”
“What?”
Her head snaps up, her expression like a kid caught doing something they aren’t supposed to.
“It looks like you have something on your mind. You want to tell me what it is?”
She clears her throat, her eyes darting around the car before coming back to rest on mine. “It’s a lot.”
I take one of her hands, bringing it to my mouth to kiss her palm then winding my fingers through hers.
“I promise I can handle it.”
She huffs out a breath. “Fine. Okay. Hallie texted me earlier today and told me that she doesn’t foresee any problems with the adoption. That if I was ready, I could tell Maddy.”
I feel my smile spread. “That’s great, Ems. Why do you seem so nervous about it?”
“A couple reasons. First, I need to tell her about her dad. Hallie said the social worker could do it, but I don’t want that for Maddy. It has to be me. Also, I know you have a lot on your mind right now, and I don’t want you to feel any pressure. Like, because I’m adopting her, you have to suddenly help me or become a full-time parent or something. I only want you to do what you’re comfortable with.”
I take Emma’s other hand, relieved that this is something I can fix.
“Ems, I love you. I love you, and I love Maddy, and there is nothing in the world that will ever change that. I know I have things I need to work through, and I will. I’ve already started. But none of that means that I don’t want us. All three of us, together. We’re a family. We’ve been a family since the second you got the call from Hallie that Maddy was coming to live with you, and I spent a hundred years putting together that damn desk. Like you and everyone else have spent the last two days drilling into my head, family sticks. If you’ll have me, I want to be there for everything. For the good parts of parenting and the not so good parts. Not to help you. To do it with you. I know you’re adopting her, but I hope one day, when we’re married, I can adopt her too.”
Emma swallows thickly, her eyes swirling with emotion.
“You would want that? To get married?”
I kiss Emma’s hand again, never taking my eyes off hers.
“Only if it’s to you.”
“You know…” she muses, “It’s easier to be a parent if you’re living in the same house as the child you’re parenting.”
I give her a sly smile as warmth fills my chest. “You asking me to move in with you, Ems?”
She shrugs a shoulder. “I mean, you’re at my house most nights anyway, and your house, well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but I kind of hate it there. It makes me sad to think about you rattling around in all that cold, staged perfection.”
I laugh at that. “You and me both.”
“So why not personalize it a little? Haven’t you lived there for like, fifteen years or something?”
I wince. “More than that. It never seemed necessary. I guess…” Now it’s my turn to swallow hard. “I guess I always figured my life here was temporary, so why make a home.”
Emma squeezes my hand, understanding on her face.
“And now?”
“Now I want to sell the damn thing. That part of my life is over. I’m a work in progress, Ems, but there will never be anyone who loves you more than I do. Who loves Maddy more. Your house is more of a home than any place I have ever lived in my life, so let’s be there together. All of us.”
Emma nods, her eyes glazing with unshed tears and shining with a love that settles me down to my core. “I have to check with Hallie on the logistics. Make sure there isn’t an issue, and I think you’ll probably need to get a background check and maybe go to classes or something? I don’t know, but I’ll find out.”
I wrap my hands around Emma’s neck and lean over the center console to kiss her. “We’ll find out together. I’ll go with you to talk to Hallie, and I’ll do whatever I need to do to make it work. You’re mine, Ems, and…”
I’m interrupted by a happy shriek outside the car. I turn and see a delighted Maddy running down the school steps.
I grin at Emma. “And so is she.”
I open the car door just in time for Maddy to fling herself at me. I catch her on the fly, pulling her in for a hug. I close my eyes and breathe her in, grape shampoo and little girl, and the last missing piece of me slides into place.
“You’re back!”
“You bet I am, Little Red.”
“I missed you! I need to tell you all about Halloween. Oh my god, it was so much fun, and we had a girls’ night, and I got to stay up late and eat tacos and look!” She turns so I can see the back of her head, her hair twisted into some kind of complicated braid.
“Molly gave me a fishtail braid and she promised me she would teach me how to do it. Can you come over?”
She stops talking and sucks in a breath, and I laugh, filled with love for this little girl. My little girl , I think. Mine and Emma’s. Ours.
“Yeah, Little Red. Let’s go home.”
“Maddy, is it okay if we talk for a little bit?” Emma asks.
We’re sitting at the kitchen table, surrounded by boxes of cereal. As soon as we walked in the door, Maddy dropped her backpack, said she was starving, and insisted that cereal was the only thing she wanted.
I felt a little burst of pride at that. I’m already teaching her well.
I put a hand on Emma’s thigh, squeezing to let her know that I’m here with her. She gets to take the lead here, but she doesn’t have to do it alone if she doesn’t want to.
“Sure,” Maddy says through a mouthful of Reese’s Puffs.
“I wanted to talk to you about your dad.”
I’m not sure what I expect, but it’s not a nonchalant shrug and a casual, “Okay.”
“You know that the reason you came to live with me is that your dad wasn’t able to take care of you the way a parent should take care of his child.”
Maddy nods. “He went to jail. I think maybe I wasn’t supposed to know that, but I do because one night I heard the parents in my last house talking about it. They said if I found out, maybe it would make me sad, but it doesn’t really because I never knew him. Or maybe I did once, but I don’t remember him now. Is that okay?”
My heart clenches at everything she has been though, and at the vulnerability in her question. But Emma knows exactly what to say. She always does.
“Of course it’s okay. You get to feel however you want to feel. I hope you’ll tell me about your feelings, but if you don’t want to, that’s okay too. Sometimes feelings are private.”
“So, um, did something, like, happen to my dad? Is that why you want to talk to me about him?”
“No, honey, nothing happened to him. But Hallie and Ms. Cindy told me that you won’t be able to go back and live with your dad when he gets home. So, if you were okay with it, I was hoping that you could stay with me.”
“Like, forever?” Maddy whispers.
Emma nods and reaches across the table to take Maddy’s hand. “Forever. It’s called adoption. It means this would be your forever home. You would stay with me, and you would never have to go anywhere else.”
“So, you would be my mom?”
Emma’s body tenses with the effort of holding onto her control. I am in awe of her. I have never loved her more than I do in this moment, watching her explain this to Maddy so carefully and patiently, giving her what she needs to understand what’s happening. She is going to be the most amazing mom. I’m so fucking lucky I get to be here to watch her do it.
“I would, if that’s okay with you. You don’t have to call me mom. You can still call me Emma, or whatever makes you feel comfortable. The most important thing for you to know is that I love you so much, and I will always be here to take care of you. Adoption means forever. I’ve loved you since the first day you came to live with me, Maddy, and your home will always be with me now.”
It's the same thing Emma said to me yesterday and again this morning, but it hits so differently listening to her say it to Maddy. I know how much Emma loves her. I can feel it. Nothing on earth would make Emma leave her. I can feel how much she loves me too. It’s in every look. Every touch.
She won’t leave me either .
The realization hits like a bombshell.
“What about Jeremy?”
I tune back into the conversation when I hear my name.
“What would you like to know?”
“Well, you love Jeremy, and I love Jeremy. Is his home always with you now, too?”
I suck in a quiet breath and my hand tightens on Emma’s leg. She covers it with her own, running her thumb over the back of my hand in a gesture that calms my roiling emotions. When she speaks, it’s for Maddy, but I know it’s for me too.
“I do love Jeremy, and his home is with me too. I’m hoping that soon we’ll all be able to live here together.”
“I mean, don’t we kind of already all live here together? He’s always here.”
Emma and I both laugh because she’s not wrong.
“He is, but he still has his own house. Hopefully soon, he’ll sell that house, and then this would be his only home too.”
Maddy nods, staring down into her cereal bowl. I can see the wheels turning in her brain and I know there’s more. Emma does too.
“I know this is a lot, Maddy. Do you have any questions for me? You don’t have to ask me now, and it’s okay if you want to take some time to think about it. I’ll always be here to talk to you.”
“What if you leave too?” Her voice is a whisper and it wavers a little, her lower lip trembling when she looks up. “Parents aren’t supposed to leave, but my dad left, and now he’s not coming back. I want to live here. I want to stay here forever with you, but what if you leave and don’t come back too?”
I open my mouth to talk and then close it, not wanting to get in Emma’s way. But then she nudges me with her elbow and nods.
“I’m afraid of that sometimes, too, Little Red.”
“You are?”
“I am. I grew up a lot like you did. My parents couldn’t take care of me either, so I lived in a lot of different places until I was old enough to move away to play hockey.”
I turn fully, so I can look her right in the eyes.
“I think, sometimes, when you grow up like we did, it’s hard to believe people won’t leave because so many people we know did leave.”
Maddy nods, her eyes full of understanding. I think maybe everything I have been through in my life has been worth it for this one moment. Like I was put here in this place at this time so I can teach this little girl that the people who really love us will never leave. And in teaching her, I’m teaching myself too. I take one of Maddy’s hands in mine, holding on while I say this next thing. The most important thing.
“Emma is the best person in the world, and she really loves us both. She’s never going to leave us. I know it’s a little hard. It’s hard for me too. But maybe, if we try and trust Emma together, we can make it a little less scary. And if we feel scared, we can talk about it. That way, we can feel scared together instead of alone. How does that sound?”
Maddy nods. “That would be okay.”
I turn to Emma. “What do you think, Ems? Would that be okay with you too?”
Emma nods, smiling through the tears that are now falling freely down her face. “That would absolutely be okay with me.”
I pick Maddy up and settle her on my lap and wrap an arm around Emma, everything I need right here at this table. “I think this calls for a special night. What should we do, Little Red? Your choice.”
She leans her head against my shoulder, thinking. “Can we make another blanket fort in the living room? With tacos?”
“That sounds perfect. Ems, can you be on blanket fort duty? Little Red and I have to make a grocery store run.”
Maddy gasps. “Can we get ice cream, too? With sprinkles?”
“You bet. Go get your shoes and then we’ll head out.”
She flies out of the kitchen, and as soon as she’s out of sight, Emma collapses into me, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly.
I kiss the top of her head, holding her tight against me. “I love you, Ems. I’m so damn proud of you. That was amazing. You are amazing.”
“I’m proud of you too. For the way you talked to Maddy. For what you said. I know this hits a little close to home right now.”
I run my hand up and down Emma’s back, enjoying the feeling of her against me. Of having her close.
“It feels weird to say, and I don’t even know if I believe stuff like this, but if there was any reason for me growing up the way I did, maybe it was so I could help Maddy through this. Show her that she doesn’t have to be afraid of letting people love her.”
Emma leans up and kisses my neck, wrapping herself tighter around me. My heart speeds up the way it always does when she’s this close to me. I hope it never stops.
“I don’t think it’s weird. I think you were meant for each other, and I think you were both meant for me,” Emma replies, eyes bright with happy tears.
“I think so too. I don’t want any kind of life that’s not with both of you.”
I feel Emma smile against my shoulder, and we take another minute together in the quiet before we get up to go get ready for a special night with our girl.