Chapter 11 DIEGO #3
She blinked a few times. Sipped her lemonade. Tipped her chin upward again and said, “Maybe.”
“Fuck, Toni.” I dragged a hand through my hair, crunching the curls in frustration. “Why did I fucking quit smoking?”
I mean, apart from not waking up with my mouth tasting like ashes and not spending ten bucks a week on something that was literally gonna kill me.
“If he really cares, he’ll—”
“Shut up,” I warned her with a sideways glance. “I love you, I know you love me, and I know you think you’re helping. But if you don’t shut the fuck up right now, we’re done for the day at least. I need a minute.”
She pressed her lips together tight but nodded.
Taran came back with beer. Stood beside me to watch as the band, a local punk outfit with kilts and bagpipes in the mix, started a blessedly loud set.
I glanced at him furtively, leaned into his arm.
He put it around my waist and tucked a thumb into my belt loop.
Stayed close, even though we sweated at the point of contact.
I narrowly denied a powerful urge to shove my face in his armpit and just fucking stay there.
***
In the Uber back to my place, I told him, “I’m so sorry. I didn’t—that’s not why I didn’t…”
He smiled and ran a hand through his short, thick hair. “It’s okay. I mean, it’s good to know, actually.”
“No,” I insisted. I’d worked so fucking hard to make sure he didn’t feel like he had anything to prove to me.
To let him know we were on equal footing now.
And here came Toni with her insecure bullshit to ruin it all in one goddamn afternoon.
Fuck. “No, honestly, I just—I thought she just meant I should protect myself and not go too fast. I always go too fast. It’s a genuine issue. ”
He toyed with one of my curls, smiling lopsidedly. “I know.”
“Do you? Because I don’t talk about it, because it’s embarrassing, and it’s vulnerable, and I feel fucking stupid about all my romantic bullshit illusions.”
The Uber driver cleared her throat, as if to politely remind us she was still there.
We were quiet the rest of the way to my place. Then I walked him to his car and grabbed his hand before he slipped into it. I looked into his face, took a deep breath, and said, “Tell me we’re okay.”
He nodded. “We’re okay. I’m just—I’m just thinking, is all. But if this is really about power, no one has any here. Just you and me, okay?”
I nodded too but felt only minimal relief. “And not Toni.”
“She’s a good friend. I’m glad you have her,” he said with painful earnestness.
“I’m gonna rip her a new shithole,” I promised.
“Don’t.” He leaned down and kissed me, his mouth hot and soft and yielding.
I slid a hand into his hair and slipped my tongue past his lips. He let me in, held me in spite of how hot and sweaty we were from the day, how thirsty we were from two drinks each at a melting festival.
When the kiss closed off, he asked, “You good?”
“Sweetheart.” I bumped my forehead against his. Toni was supposed to come over tonight, but… “Sure you can’t stay?”
“Talk to her,” he said, then pecked me on the lips again. “She loves you, and I can’t fault her for that.”
And he left me on the curb as I blinked back tears, wondering once more if he knew just how fucking close he’d come to saying it.
***
That night, Toni brought me Thai food as a peace offering, and I sat her down and said, “Don’t talk. Just listen. Okay?”
She raised an eyebrow but nodded.
As we ate through a Penang curry, I told her about how hard I’d worked to make sure Taran didn’t feel like he had anything to prove to me.
I told her about our conversation where I took my share of the blame for the past, and how we’d agreed to move forward together.
I laid it all out, bit by bit, and then finished with, “So you see why I’m not just mad at you for being a dick to him.
I’m mad at you because you actively undid a bunch of shit we worked really hard for. ”
She sighed. “Can I talk?”
“If you must.”
“Gee, thanks.” She snorted. “That’s all great. I’m really glad you guys talked about it like adults. I’m really glad you’re both in a good place with your past.”
“And we’re the only two that matter,” I reminded her. “You’re clearly not okay with our past, but that’s a you problem.”
“Fine.” She didn’t look convinced, though. “But why did you take my advice about the boyfriend thing?”
I frowned. “Because you’re my friend and I know you have my best interest at heart. Even when you don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.”
“So, not because you like the idea of holding onto a little bit of power while you still can?”
I closed my eyes. Fuck.
“Like, did you do the thing where you’re really bossy in bed at first?”
Fuck.
“Exactly,” She went on. “So, correct me if I’m wrong, but you did agree it was a good idea to take it slow with the labeling. And there’s literally no other reason to withhold a title like that unless it’s a power play.”
“It’s symbolic,” I corrected. “It—it’d mean I wasn’t even trying to fight my slide into obsession. Again.”
“Right. It’d mean you were holding onto your power.”
I winced. “It’s not black and white like that. It’s not ruthless or conniving. I’m not fucking playing mind games. I’m just scared.”
Her mouth fell open slightly.
I covered my burning face with both hands.
“Hey…” She reached out and peeled one of my hands off my face, then held it awkwardly. Not a super touchy person, Toni, but she tried sometimes. “Tell me why.”
“Why?”
“Why are you scared?” she asked. “Is there something setting off an alarm? A red flag going up? What’s your gut telling you?”
I said it as I had the thought, still peeking out from behind one hand. “I’m afraid I’ve been in love with him for nine years.”
Again, her mouth was open but no sound came out.
I rushed to explain. “I thought I invented a version of him that was what I wanted, and that’s what I was obsessed with in school.
But he is that guy—actually he’s way better than that guy—and I don’t fucking know what to do with that because it’s so big.
” And then I sat there, panting a little, like the sudden understanding, the confession, had knocked the damn wind out of me.
“Oh,” she said finally. “Oh.”
I nodded. “Oh. Fucking terrifying.”
“How long have you…?”
“I mean forever, but I just realized,” I said.
“He keeps saying things that are so close to I love you, and he doesn’t even seem to notice, but it always drills down into my brain.
It just gets stuck there. And you’re the only person in the world who knows how fucking big this is, Toni.
You’re the only one who knows how fucking stupid I was for him then, and why I feel like I never stopped being stupid for him now. So please don’t…”
Aaaaand now my eyes were burning.
“Hey,” she said again, squeezing my hand tight. “Don’t. I’m sorry, D. I’m sorry, and I’ll tell him I’m sorry. I didn’t realize.”
I laughed and sniffled, blinking back tears. “I totally played the power bottom at first, too. It wasn’t just the boyfriend thing.”
She nodded. “But you want to be all submissive and cute?”
I nodded back.
She smiled slowly. “I knew you wanted him to beat your ass. I knew it the minute I heard you call him daddy, you little slut.”
I burst out laughing. “Shut up!”
She stood and held out both arms.
I stood and hugged her.
“I’ll apologize to him,” she said. “If he’s really that guy, he’ll understand.”
I knew he would. And I also knew she would understand that, “In the future, I need you to either be nice to him or shut the fuck up.”
“Understood.”
“Assuming he doesn’t dump me now.”
“Don’t be a dumb whore, Diego. Jesus Christ.”