Chapter 11
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Jenny invited me to a party at some off-campus apartment tonight. I had said no, but after the chaos of that not-date with Austin and the ever-present, niggling Leo guilt, I shoot her a text.
You still going? Can you pick me up?
I park the Jeep, wave goodbye to Austin, and badge into Griffin Hall like I’m heading inside for the night.
Then I slip out the back, where he couldn’t see on his way to Flooders.
Shady, I know, but Austin doesn’t do parties like this, and I don’t need him questioning why I suddenly feel like going.
I just need to do something. Anything but sit alone in my room, overthinking.
Jenny pulls up in her bright-red beater car, music thumping, headlights bouncing off the pavement. The decision is made.
With a sigh I plop into the passenger seat.
“You okay, girlie?” Jenny asks.
“Yeah. Just a weird night. I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Aww. Well, everything’s gonna be better soon!” She cranks the music up, and I let it swallow up whatever’s still buzzing in my brain.
The second we step inside, the smell hits—stale beer, sweat, and something sour. Not a great start, but Jenny links her arm through mine to tug me deeper inside and I let her. The dim lighting and pulsing music offer exactly what I came for—something else to think about.
She introduces me to her friends, and I do my part—smile, nod, play along when I’m supposed to.
Let it all blur. But it’s been a long time since I was the only sober one at a party.
Their jokes deteriorate fast, and I can only exaggerate a laugh so many times.
The girls start making dares, and I dart another glance at the kitchen.
I don’t drink anymore—not since I started following Jesus—but a lot of these people are Christians too, and they don’t feel the need to be holier-than-thou about it.
And I didn’t drive here, so there’s no risk of me being dangerous on the road.
The image of Austin staring at me in the wood chips jumps to mind for the millionth time since. I’ve rattled the Magic 8 Ball one too many times to clear it. I try bouncing in place. Just loosen up. Swallowing the last sip of Cherry Coke, I let go and aim for the kitchen.
A firmer nudge. This isn’t freedom.
My bracelet slides down my wrist—a reminder of the life I chose. I waver but continue on my path. Just some more soda. I snag some chips, open the fridge, grab the two-liter.
A guy swaggers in, smiling, looking me up and down appreciatively. “Hey, beautiful.” He twists the cap off a bottle of vodka. “Can I buy you a drink?”
“Hey.” I eye the bottle but shake my head, lifting the bottle of Coke in response.
As I pour the Coke into my cup of ice, he splashes some in anyway.
“Who are you here with?” he asks.
“Jenny.” I point back at the living room. “We’re—”
At her name, she skips in and hooks an arm through mine. “I know, I know, my friend is pretty, but it’s time to dance.” She drags me into the living room.
Party Guy follows and holds out a hand in invitation. “Just following orders.”
No one is sitting anymore. It’s just a dance, right? Nothing weird.
He sways and bobs, pulling me closer. I sip my drink for an excuse to step back, but he closes the distance.
“I’m just here to have fun,” I say over the music. “I have a boyfriend.” Outdated information or blatant lie? Don’t care right now.
“I can do fun.” His eyes skim down me, shoulders to toes. His hand grazes my arm.
I’m pathetic, but it’s nice to be touched, wanted. In the hours I spent with Austin tonight, he barely touched me at all, with his hands or his eyes. But when Party Guy’s hands find my hips, I twist away.
“Fine, fine.” He checks my drink. “Here, I’ll get you some more.”
When he returns, I can tell from the smell of the cup that I can’t drink much of it. This is not my first rodeo, and I have a list of regrets I don’t want to add to, so I thank him and weave through the group to Jenny.
“You caught Chase’s eye, huh?” Jenny says. “Want me to play wingwoman?”
“I’m good.”
“Of course. A girl like you doesn’t need my help.” She flips my hair.
My chest warms, and I don’t know if it’s her compliment or my drink.
Chase’s eyes follow me.
Leo never looked at me like that. Austin’s always flicking his gaze away from me, like I’m not enough to hold his attention.
With a last sip, I set my cup down. It’s been so long that even those few sips have my head fuzzy.
It’s fine. I’m good. Kinda slow, but not stupid.
Already my laugh is easier, my dance moves looser.
It’s such a relief to be away from the judgment, the high expectations, the Christian-y talk. I needed to get out of my head.
Half an hour later, skipping down the short hallway to the bathroom, a shadow stops me.
“Having fun?” Chase asks.
“Always.”
His grin is back, but something’s different. “Come on. I want to show you something.”
My gut says no, no, no and I jerk back.
“Don’t be a prude. This is my apartment. I just want to show you something in my room.”
I step toward the bathroom instead. “Can’t. Sorry.”
When his eyes darken, my stomach drops. He reaches for me, and I lurch inside—and barely get the door locked behind me. My hands tremble. This was stupid. What am I doing here?
Help?
Mia. I fumble for my phone. My thumb stalls over her name. Here come the high expectations.
“Hey, boo,” she answers. “What’s up? What’s that music? Where are you?”
I hate this. “Hi. Sorry. It’s just that a … a guy … I said no, but he …”
“Where are you?” Her voice is deadly.
“The bathroom.”
“Stay there. Lock the door. Send me a pin.”
I swallow my tears. What if I’m making this up? Maybe I’m being dramatic.
A rattle of the doorknob sends me into a jolt of a flinch. “Hurry up,” a girl whines. “Gotta pee!”
“Hang on,” I call.
Sitting on the toilet lid, I squeeze my phone between my hands. I pace, play with the shower curtain. How long can I really stay in here?
“Hello-o-o, frenny,” Jenny slurs at the door. “How are you sick already? Lemme in so I can hold your hair back.”
“No, I’m good. Be right out, okay?”
Desperate, I request Mia’s location. Even wash my hands to give me something to do.
No hand towel, so I dry them on my jeans.
I almost reach to twist the doorknob, but that no, no, no buzzes in my gut.
Minutes crawl by. I pace, follow Mia’s bobbing blue dot.
Twenty minutes feels like an hour. I jump at a loud knock on the door.
“Sophie.”
I’d know that voice anywhere. I trip over myself to unlock the door.
Austin, with Mia beside him.
I nearly run into his arms but stop just before I embarrass myself. He never hugs me. His face is stone, and he motions for me to follow. Is he angry? As he guides me, his right arm curls around my waist. Possessive. Protective. Fulfilling and shattering my dreams at once.
“Which one?” he growls.
My throat locks.
“Which one?” he asks, more gently this time.
“Tell him, Sophs,” Mia presses.
I bite my cheek and nod toward Chase by the door. The music beats around us. We weave around people dancing. Necks turn. Eyes flit between Austin and me. I know it’s absurd. Don’t worry, it’s fake.
“Did he touch you?” he asks into my hair.
Even here, my eyes flutter closed. I must be broken.
“Um, no. I mean, barely, earlier.”
A rumble vibrates inside his chest until he halts mid–living room, drops his arm. “Was that okay?” It’s so loud in here that I have to read his lips. He gestures with his arm. “To make a point?”
To make a point. One hundred percent explicit that he’s only touching me for my benefit. Humiliation threatens to flatten me.
“Yeah,” I answer.
He replaces his warm bear arm and beelines for Chase.
I shouldn’t, but Austin will assume I’m following his charade—I wrap my arm around his back and lean into him. He’s so good, so safe. A bomb could go off in here and I’d be fine. He’d make it fine. My stomach clenches.
His hand comes up to gently scratch my upper arm. An “I’m here” scratch.
Three more Austin steps to the front of the apartment, where Chase stands. Austin looks down on him. In all the ways, since he’s at least four inches taller and a different species of man. I drop my gaze to the dirty tile.
“Sophie’s no will be respected.” I’ve never heard his voice so stern, so threatening. The grizzly bear has been provoked. “Do you understand me?”
“You’re giving King Kong right now.”
I glance up, and Chase’s gaze of contempt lands on me.
“Does that make you Ann Darrow?”
Mia eyes him warily. I’ve never seen her make that face before.
Chase searches the room before meeting Austin’s blue-gray laser beams. “Might wanna do a trade. Doubt you’ll get much out of that one.”
Austin drops the arm around me to point at him. “Look at her again and see what happens.”
Chase sneers. “Samwise, the gentle giant. We both know you’re not going to risk getting kicked out of school—”
With a shove, Austin slams him against the wall. I feel the thump through the music.
I yank his arm and beg. “Take me back?”
“Logan.” Chase’s voice cracks as he calls over the music. “Jaxon.”
Arm around my shoulders, Austin nearly snaps off the doorknob to slam the front door open. Without waiting for his friends, Chase bolts away, eyes wide.
Then, Jenny’s muted voice. “Sophie? What’s going on?”
But I don’t look back.