Chapter 32
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
I rip my heels off and take off in a horror-movie sprint for my life across the cold, crunchy field.
I told Austin we need to cool off, but the pitiful truth is I have to get to my room before anyone sees me cry.
Something about that perfectly planned perfect dinner by my perfect date sent me over the edge.
All the edges. My rational thought must have flown out, crashed, and burned somewhere on campus.
As I grab the corner of the wall to propel me through the suite, I’ve never been more relieved to find it empty. Barely reaching my room in time, I sob into my pillowcase like a modern artist whose medium is mascara.
What is wrong with me?
The second my eyes start to dry, my gut tells me to move.
To find my happy face and skip back to Austin.
Or to make my excuses and throw on a movie.
To run up to G3 and see if anyone’s around.
Even to start some music and drown this silence.
Anything to replace these scary and confusing feelings.
But that little nudge—the one I desperately want, but sometimes don’t—is at it again.
Something like, I want you close. Slow down and talk to me.
Slow down?
Scary. Foreign. And grates against every instinct of survival.
But I try.
Okay?
Trust me.
My real Bible is in the lounge, so I snatch up my phone, a relief in itself, and try to obey by typing “trust God” into the search bar.
It’s Saturday night, the hottest of hot dates is waiting, and I have makeup smears all over my face, but I’m sitting here looking up Bible verses.
There’s the one. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”
Straight paths. What would that even look like?
My parents were a mess. Are a mess. I want none of it. I don’t want to scream at Austin, hate him, make him hate me. The only sure thing about relationships is that they burn in horrific flames, right?
Trust me.
I’m trying. I don’t know how to submit to you in this. I don’t know what I’m doing at all.
Unable to still my limbs a second longer, I lock my phone and jump down from bed. The only thing I really know is that this thing with Austin is too fairy-tale like to walk away from. I’ll soak up the time we have and try to end it before it goes the way of a Greek tragedy.
Bat my hair away. Adjust my dress. Wash my face. No more weeping like a psycho or I’ll scare him off before it’s time.
Austin
Song of the day
“Speechless” by Dan + Shay
The next morning, Levi clicks his laptop shut and pulls out his Tic Tacs. “Samwise, can I ask you something?”
I have my phone out to text Sophie, but I slide it back into my pocket. Time with Levi, just the two of us, is getting rarer. Gotta make sure we stay bros. “Yeah, what’s up?”
He bends forward, forearms on his knees. “Why did you hold your thing for Sophie so close to the vest? And for so long?”
“Oh. It kinda freaked me out that I liked her so much. And then, once I had more answers … Well, it sucked that Kit was holding off on telling you the truth, and I knew you wouldn’t love me doing the same to Sophie.”
“Were you afraid I’d talk you out of your secrecy?”
“Maybe.” Hadn’t fully pieced that together. Bro’s superpower is persuasion, and I don’t always want to subject myself to it. “I mean, I’d been praying about it, and I knew it wasn’t time yet.”
“How did you know when it was?”
I shrug. “I just did. I dunno how to explain it. I’d been praying about it every day for months and could feel God saying to hold off. Until one day, it was different. I didn’t fully do my part on the hold-off, but I tried.”
He relaxes in his seat. “It didn’t occur to me to ask God about timing.
I only ever prayed about dating Kit as a binary thing.
You’re the real deal, Samwise. Good call waiting on him for the details.
” His heel starts bouncing. “I wish I had talked to you more about Kit. I thought she needed convincing, but really, she needed time.”
I glance at him, a little stunned. Levi may be new to the faith, but he’s locked in with God in a way I’m still learning. He’s usually the one teaching me. For once, I got there first. “Thanks, man. Means a lot. Pretty sure you did plenty of patient waiting for Kit though.”
He huffs a laugh, raking a hand through his hair with an easy grin. “Minus the patient part.” But he falls serious. “Do you pray about everything like you did with Sophie?”
Sure, I pray every morning, and about random things. But since I got a green light for Sophie, I’m usually praying for her. Or my family. Somebody else. Before I can answer, he follows up.
“Did you pray about going out with the random girls? I mean, I’m not trying to act like I’m a saint.” He swallows, eyes sad. “Far from it. But I worried you were getting into a habit. Date her, drop her. Like you’re always looking for a reason to bail.”
I gape.
“Just think about it, okay? I want you in a solid place for where you’re headed with Sophie.”
I clear my throat, readjust on my couch. “Course. How does Kit like her studio?”
His grin turns goofy—the kind I never saw on him until Kit jumped in. “She’s obsessed, dude. Trains in there every day.”
“Can’t blame her. That place is fire.”
We remodeled a storage room into a legit dance studio, with Levi’s suave handling of the school admin, Haymitch’s reno knowledge, and our bare hands. Okay, and a mess of rented power tools.
“I couldn’t have done it without you guys. How was week one with Sophie?”
“So good. Better than I hoped, even. But it’s already a lot.”
He knows what I mean. “You have a plan?”
“Yeah. I hate it though.” I rub my face.
“So, Caleb. Remember how he and Cora were attached at the hip?” I hate to spill this kind of personal detail about my cousin-nearly-brother, especially since he and Levi got to know each other last year.
But I need Levi to understand this if he’s gonna help keep me in line. I can trust him with it.
“Yeah, of course. Are they still going strong?”
“No, he blew it. To smithereens. We talk a bunch, you know, so I heard the play-by-play.” The weight settles. “It … made an impact.”
“You’re kidding. What happened?”
“Ah … They ditched their boundaries. Couldn’t seem to go backward. Wrecked their relationship. He lost her.”
Levi winces.
“Yeah. She’s long gone now, with some other guy. It all happened so fast.” I falter. “Sorry, bro, I feel bad talking about this stuff when you and Kit don’t even …”
“No, you’re good. Not kissing is Kit’s thing, but she really might be on to something. Truth is, I’m more on board all the time.”
“Y’all are kind of cheating the system.”
He half laughs. “You’re not wrong, but it’s not simple, like I expected. There are still plenty of question marks we have to decide on. It’s a work in progress.”
“Checks out. So how does that process look?”
Levi’s so private. I’ll be shocked if he gives a straight answer.
“With kissing off-limits, we’ve found it’s more about intent and result. We all have our … things, you know?”
Boy, do I.
“We have to be honest about what leads us down a dangerous path. There are plenty of non-kissing things that wipe my resolve off the map. And her too.”
“No doubt.”
“Think you can stick to your plan? Is Sophie with you?”
“Yeah, she is. It’s a huge relief. I’ve always wanted to do things God’s way, but the Caleb mess made me pull my line even more.
He can’t get that back, you know? And he can’t get Cora back.
He loved her hard—still does. Now he’s at UT, kind of blowing up his life with partying and stuff, trying to get over her. ”
“Ouch. Does that impact your decision about UT?”
I let out a breath. “It really sucks that I can’t be there for him right now, but I won’t leave Sophie. I’m gonna tell Coach to call the whole thing off.”
“Alright. So you said you pulled your line more?”
“Yeah. It helps that I’d do anything to protect her. I just didn’t expect that would mean protecting her from me.” I pause. “I’d never pressure her. Obviously. But I want to push her toward God—not away. You know?”
He gives a slow nod. “Absolutely. You’re killing it, dude.” Then he shifts. “Help him do this,” he prays out loud. “Help him lead the effort and obey you radically.” Then to me, “And keep up the honesty. Doesn’t matter that Kit and I are doing it differently. Keep it all in the light.”
“Thanks, buddy. Back atcha.”
I will not wreck what I have with Sophie. I won’t.
This morning, I found my verse. Tattoo-worthy.
While scrolling, of all things. “For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.
” Every time I reread it, goose bumps. So I’m going all out—poster board, sketched outline.
I tear open a package to fill it in with colorful marker magic.
Hand-lettering handiwork about being God’s handiwork.
Every stroke on the poster fills me with resolve, with peace, with confidence.
I really can choose what I think about. I can choose what I believe.
You’re so good, Jesus. You made me to be close to you.
You want to know me. You planned good things for us to do together way before I even believed you were real.
Back when I mocked you, waved you off, rolled my eyes at your people.
You still wanted me, chased me down. You had already planned a whole life of adventure for me.
You’re so good. I’m so in. Let’s make up for lost time.
I’m belting out “The Great Adventure” and working on finishing touches when Kit walks in, gnawing away at her lip.
“Hey, Sophs. Mind if I borrow your curling iron again?”
“Anytime.” I cap my marker. “What’s the occasion?”
She wavers. Shrugs.
Intriguing.
“Can I do your hair for you?” I offer, trying not to spook her.
“Are you kidding? Yes. You’re the hairstyling queen.”
With a grin, I flick my hair for dramatic effect.
She runs a hand down hers, sleek and straight. “Wait—when you sing, will my hair glow or just yours?”
I burst into a laugh. Theatrically singing Rapunzel’s hair song, we head to the sinks, and I notice half of Kit’s room is empty. My finger demands before my mouth can get to it.
“Ayumi went ahead and moved up to G2. They had an extra spot.”
“And left you?” Knowing about her nightmares?
“No, it’s okay. She’s really happy up there. We’re good.”
“But—”
“Really, she and I are great,” she says. “We still hang out. But you should talk to her.”
“Leave your door open at night. We’ll listen for you, okay?”
Her eyes go glossy. “Thank you.”
I can’t believe Ayumi would up and leave her alone like that. With a shake of my head, I detangle my curling iron cord from the other tools I’ve left on the counter. “Okay, what vibe are we going for?”
She hesitates. “Not sure. Levi wants to take me somewhere tonight. He’s acting all nervous, so it must be a big deal to him.”
“That’s amazing. Why do I hear a ‘but’ coming?”
She weaves her fingers together. “The whole getting dressed-up thing was ruined for me last year. I still feel twitchy about it. As if somehow that’s what led to every other bad thing. But I think I’m ready. To try again.”
I let out a breath and lower my voice. “I’ve had the same kind of feeling.
” I nearly change course, but no. “That year my parents were fighting, I used to braid my hair every night before bed. I know it sounds dumb, but every time I start to braid my hair now, I feel like I’m bracing for something awful. ”
She squeezes my arm. “Not dumb. Thanks for making me feel less crazy.”
“Just simultaneously crazy,” I tease.
She shrugs a slender shoulder. “That’s what friendship is, after all.”
“Hey. Can I do your makeup too?”
“Super natural?” She shoots me a knowing smile.
“Natural with a smoky eye? Come on, KitKat, Levi will love it. Grant my wish!”
Kit chuckles. “Fine. Wish granted. Thanks, Sophs.”
I grab my makeup bag and start toward the lounge—then stop in my tracks.
Six Months Ago Sophie would have sooner stabbed herself in the eye with an eyelash curler than helped Perfect Little Kit get ready for a date. Maybe even Six Days Ago Sophie.
But today? I want this for her. Not tolerating. Not pretending. I want all the good things for her.
I’m not sure what’s happening to me, but it feels past due.
I’m here for it.