Chapter 49
CHAPTER FORTY-NINE
I’m missing three classes and a quiz today. I can afford to miss a chapel. I tear down ten dead trees, but my insides boil and spew and spark. Not like yesterday. Nothing like that.
I broke the secret promises I made to her. I broke Dad’s trust. I broke my belief in myself. I chose Sophie over my Creator …
I think I broke me.
I’ve been killing myself to keep Sophie safe. From me. From what I crave but isn’t good for her. Killing myself to give her everything. And I still didn’t have what it took—
Breathe. Just focus on the job. The chainsaw rattles to life, shaking my bones with a cathartic jolt. I sever each branch from the trunk and hurl them into the trailer. Cut. Toss. Cut. Toss.
I’m Samson. The maniac who thought he could toe the line and walk away clean.
The one set apart to stand firm but who gave himself away piece by piece.
The guy who was supposed to be strong but let everyone down.
I didn’t wait for anyone to cut my hair in my sleep.
I wanted her more than I wanted to obey.
All she had to do was ask, and I passed the scissors myself.
I slam the side gate shut, and the whole trailer shudders.
My phone buzzes. Levi.
Levi
Send me the address. I’m on my way.
Not a good idea.
I’m driving to Graham. I’ll sit in the supermarket parking lot all day if I must.
I stare at the message, willing it to answer itself.
My girlfriend tells me I’m impossible. Sound about right?
I send the address and cram my phone back in my pocket.
After parking the ancient yellow workhorse, I drop off my supplies and plod toward the house. Mama eyes me as she shakes off some spinach from the garden. She can make whatever assumptions she wants. She told me so, and I deserve any shame she levels at me.
“Mind if Levi comes for dinner?” I sound like the zombie I am.
She bursts up. “Levi?”
“Thanks.”
“I was planning on chicken and dumplings tonight. You think he’ll like that okay?”
“Sure.”
Maybe after my shower she’ll give me something to chop.
At dinner I hardly say a word. I pretend we’re in a sci-fi movie where someone’s memory is erased.
If only. Janie tries to ask, but I silence her with a desperate look.
I’ll figure out how to tell her something another day.
A day when my voice won’t shake. Levi makes use of his born-politician skills to carry the conversation, steering it away as needed.
I grip my spoon and stare into my bowl.
God …
I’m so sorry …
I know you didn’t …
But I can’t finish.
I try not to look up at my bedroom door. Try not to think about Sophie’s melodic voice or soothing touch or bouncing hair or perfect freckles. I can’t want what I only destroy. Not if I want to survive. By the end of dinner I’ve strapped silence around me. It’s the only armor I’ve got left.
As Levi drives me back to campus in the dark, an urge to punch a hole through the window bubbles up. Better not. I’m sure even the windows cost more in a Range Rover.
“I’m here if you want to talk, buddy.”
I grunt.
Silence.
“It might help to say it out loud, whatever it is.”
“Sophie and I …” How do I say any of this? “We …”
He flits a glance to me.
My mouth opens, closes.
“Start with something else,” he says. “Something easier.”
Okay. “She cried a lot. Said almost zero words for an entire day, apart from repeating what I said.”
“Zero words from Sophie?”
“Dude. Not you too.”
He swallows a laugh. “No repeating. Got it.”
“She started crying while she was kissing me once.” My gut pulls.
“And then when she woke up Sunday morning, something was different. My family was at church. She started kissing all over me. It was … you get the idea. I said I couldn’t, but she pulled me onto my bed with her.
I’ve never let it get like that before.” My fists harden.
“I’m careful. It’s near impossible, but I’m so careful … ”
Levi hesitates.
I hate telling him all this. He doesn’t get to kiss Kit at all. I suck as a friend. I rub a hand over my face. But he needs to know if he’s going to understand. “She was in her pajamas.”
Levi’s loaded look says he gets it.
“Yeah.” I suck in a controlled breath. I can say this out loud one time. “I ran out of there like the place was on fire, so ticked at her for making me have that much self-control. I don’t have enough for that, for her. She’s—” No. Get to the point.
Levi’s stuck in a permanent flinch.
That look on her face … No! I will not remember a single detail with pleasure. I will not. I rip my hat off and wring it in my hands. “But these things happen. She’s really into me, and that’s … yeah. So I went back—”
“You went back?”
There it is.
He knows. Of course he does. My head pounds.
My teeth are gonna grind themselves away.
I’ll be wearing dentures at thirty. I dread his reaction.
He’s the most disciplined guy I know. He never would have caved.
He has his act together like nobody else, and this is who I decide to spill my guts to.
I finally risk a glance at him, bracing for judgment in his eyes.
None, but it’s worse. Like I ran over him with a truck.
“Speak,” I demand.
“Nothing. I haven’t told Kit.”
“Told her …”
“I dated Genevieve before I knew Jesus. I didn’t have a reason to say no.”
“Oh.”
The air sits heavy. The trees fly by.
He shifts his jaw and resets. “So, everything?”
I force a nod.
“Is there a chance she’s—”
“No.”
“Alright. Have you talked since?”
“No.”
“Are you—”
“I’m ending it. Obviously.”
The steering wheel jerks.
I shift in this stupid leather seat in this box speeding me closer to her by the minute. I need to get out of here.
Levi speaks in a soothing voice, as if anything could calm me down right now. “This isn’t just any girl. This is Sophie. Think about what this means for her. She just—”
“I know!”
“You two have to talk. Are you this angry at her?”
I stare out the window. She’ll think so. But I can’t help that. It’s the only way.
“What if it was as much an accident for her as it was for you? What if she didn’t mean—"
“So what if it was?” I yell. I still couldn’t say no.
His jaw shifts, and it becomes clear—he’s going to be a problem.
“This wasn’t one no,” he says. “A hundred decisions came after walking back into that room.”
I know. Of course I know. I can’t stand another word like this.
“You both made decisions. A lot of decisions. I mean, you dressed like Zorro, dude, and dragged her into the hottest pitch-dark dinner I’ve ever heard of. If Abu had given you an hour in there, you’d have taken it. Who knows what would’ve happened.”
Waves of loss pummel me, nearly drowning my resolve.
Sophie dragging me by the hand. Freckles stretched in her perfect grin.
Calculating eyes planning adventures. Soft vulnerability as she trusted me with her secrets.
The larger-than-life, Technicolor world she weaves around her.
I bat it away, fighting to keep my head above water. I can’t go back.
But I need to know what to prepare for. Whether Caleb’s experience is the standard one.
I suck in a breath. “How bad was it for you? Breaking up after …”
He meets my gaze. Pauses too long. “It doesn’t have to be like that for you. What if you never break up? You marry her? In five years tops that will all be in bounds. Encouraged, even. This will be a timing screwup and not a permanent scar.”
“Foregone conclusion,” I snap. “Let it go.”
He doesn’t have to answer my question. I met him months after his breakup, and he was still a mess. He didn’t even love Genevieve—nothing like I love Sophie.
When we’re almost at school, he breaks the silence. “You praying about this?”
How could I? I turn back to my window. It was my job to protect her. And when it counted most, I didn’t. A lump grows in my throat that I will not address.
First thing the next morning, I find Sophie on her way to class and plant myself in front of her. The memory of the last time I surprised her like this grates like nails on a chalkboard.
I feel her eyes, but I don’t dare meet them. They might cool me down, and I don’t trust myself anymore. I never should have.
Even without looking at her, she pulls like the strongest magnet. My body begs to step closer. My heart reminds me I won’t find this again. My skin tingles at the proximity. My mind screams to get out of here.
“I can’t do this. It’s over.” My voice shreds in my throat. “And please … just let me have Flooders.”
“Austin. Wait. Austin?”