Chapter 13
Chapter Thirteen
W hen Noah pulled into the driveway and cut the engine, he looked long and hard at his house, searching for signs that Avery had snuck in. He looked for the flicker of the television. He looked for a cracked window. But in the dying light of the evening, everything was indigo and shadowed, and all the house lights were off.
He’d told Sam it was silly to continue the search for Avery much longer tonight. He’d told her that Avery was “not such an idiot” as to remain outside in the cold and dark. But was his plan really to stay at home, pacing the halls, waiting for her? No. He couldn’t bear that. But what could he do?
Maybe he’d call someone else—a friend who could wait at his place while Noah drove around and around the island, searching until dawn. It sounded frantic and frankly stupid. But it was the only logic he found in the midst of all this chaos.
“I’m not doing well, Mona,” Noah mumbled, trying to recall the last time he’d seen his sister. His mind was blank.
He hoped he hadn’t blown his only chance to care for Avery.
He hoped he hadn’t let Mona down in a way he couldn’t take back.
Inside, Noah went through the house, turning on all the lights in his search. He half expected to find Avery napping in the living room or reading on her bed. He half expected to find her bent over the fridge, emptying it. A sharp blast of wind threatened to tear the house down. He shivered and went to his bedroom to grab an extra flannel and a sweatshirt. If he was going to be out driving all night in this, he wanted to be prepared.
He imagined himself walking through the woods, calling Avery’s name.
It wasn’t like Noah to forget his phone. Like everyone else in the twenty-first century, it was always attached to him. But he realized he'd left it in the truck when he reached for it to call in a favor—to ask someone, maybe Sam, to stay at the house while he drove around. He was scatterbrained. Snapping at the lights as he returned to the living room, he took deep breaths, trying to instill a sense of calm within himself. He was reminded of animals, how you had to let them believe you were in control, and in order to do that, you had to believe it, too.
The minute they sensed fear, they’d attack you.
Fear was the most dangerous thing of all.
But right before he left the house, he realized he wasn’t alone.
There was a teenager hunched over the fridge.
His pulse quickened. His knees threatened to give out. There she was, the bane of his existence. She was also the only person he loved in the world.
Noah nearly collapsed with relief. “Avery?” His voice was spiked with fear, and tears stung his eyes.
When Avery turned around, her mouth was full of bread and cheese. He wanted to scream at her, but he felt too tired. Avery continued to chew. She couldn’t speak; her mouth was too full. Her eyes looked normal, like nothing had happened. Like it was a typical day.
Noah’s vision blurred. Without saying anything, he walked to the fridge, opened it wider, and pulled out a can of beer. He could feel Avery’s eyes on him as he pulled the tab and drank exactly half of it before cracking it back on the counter. He’d needed that.
With the beer numbing his fear, Noah searched his gut for the right thing to say—something that wouldn’t frighten Avery away but still instill within her the understanding that he loved her and really hated what she’d put him through the past couple of weeks.
Avery put several more things across the counter: orange juice, more bread and cheese, and butter. It looked as though she wanted to make a grilled cheese sandwich. Noah’s stomach tightened into a knot.
“Make me one,” he said.
Avery glanced at him with surprise. It was as though she was testing him, waiting for the axe to fall.
But Noah couldn’t think of anything to say. He swallowed more beer and sat on the sofa, where he turned the television on. Sports. None of that dating show crap. Not tonight.
He let sports news wash over him. He listened to the grilled cheese sandwiches sizzle in the skillet. He wondered what was going through Avery’s mind. Did she think she’d gotten away with something? Did she think Noah was too weak to punish her?
During Mona’s final years of life, she’d stopped calling as often. At first, Noah hadn’t noticed. He’d been too busy with work and his useless attempts at dating (if you could really call it that) to realize that his sister was drifting away. They’d spent holidays together, sometimes. And Noah had gone up to Boston to visit a few times. Admittedly, he’d felt annoyed at Mona for not returning to Nantucket when it hadn’t worked out with that loser. He’d felt annoyed that she’d left the island at all. But he’d never imagined she’d die like that. He’d always assumed there would be a future for both of them—a glittering summer’s day when they’d sit on the sand and drink rosé and watch the gulls sweep over the turquoise blue.
Why had he assumed that reality was a given? Why had he assumed there was so much more time left? That was the thinking of a youthful and naive man.
Avery carried both plates of grilled cheese sandwiches to the couch and put them on the coffee table in front of them. It surprised Noah that she wanted to sit with him. He’d imagined she would take her food to her room and do whatever stewing or plotting or music listening teenagers wanted to do by themselves. But when Noah looked at Avery, hunched on the sofa, her eyes on the grilled cheese, he saw a teenager with a broken heart. He saw a person who would soon be a woman in a cruel world.
He didn’t want to be a part of that cruelty.
Noah and Avery sat as their grilled cheeses cooled. On television, the announcer was talking about a college basketball game that had gone south and ended in a brawl. It occurred to Noah that the guys on the team throwing punches weren’t much older than Avery. Were they as confused as she was? Probably, he guessed.
Noah picked up his sandwich and took a buttery bite. Avery watched him as though needing validation. Cheese strung out from the sandwich, long and cartoonish, and Noah let out a silly laugh. Avery echoed him. It was hard to believe they were sitting on the sofa, laughing when, really, their situation was terribly tragic, and Noah was still furious.
“Is it okay?” Avery asked.
“The sandwich?”
Avery let her eyes fall.
“The sandwich is delicious,” Noah said, his voice soft. He was surprised she’d broken their silence instead of him. “It has so much butter and cheese that it might kill me. But it’s delicious.”
Avery brightened. She clasped her hands together. On television, the announcer talked about a local ice skater who had her eyes set on the Olympics. The ice-skater was younger than Avery; her sights were set higher; her parents were alive. Noah filled his lungs.
But before Noah began to speak, Avery interrupted him.
“You were right,” she said. “I wasn’t ready to go to school yet.”
Noah tilted his head with surprise. He wanted her to continue.
“I felt so stupid,” Avery offered. “I don’t know any of the things they’re learning. I don’t remember any French. I took a test on the Revolutionary War about two years ago, and they haven’t even gotten to that in history class yet.” She picked at her grilled cheese and looked reticent and regretful, as though she hadn’t planned to tell Noah so much of what was on her mind.
Noah rubbed his chest. “Did any of them remember you?”
Avery raised her shoulders. “A few girls came up to me and said, like, aren’t you Avery Carson? But when I said yes, I think they remembered that they never really liked me, anyway. They started gossiping about me. I think I heard them talking about Mom.”
Noah’s heart soured.
“You know how it is,” Avery said. “When I was growing up, Mom was a single mom. I never had the right clothes, the right lunch, or anything else. I got used to it. I should still be used to it. I’m just a little distracted or something.”
Noah sat in disbelief. Avery sounded so grown up—far more grown up than a teenager who’d run away not once but twice in the span of a week and a half.
He wanted to ask why she left without telling him. Why didn’t she call?
But instead, he asked, “Do you want to hold off on school for a while?”
Avery shook her head quickly and violently. “No. I can’t let them win, you know?”
Then why did she leave school today? Noah burned to ask it. He rubbed his chest harder and faster.
Avery took a big bite of grilled cheese and turned her attention to the television. They were still talking about the ice-skater. Noah was suddenly ashamed that Avery didn’t have a beautiful future ahead of her the way that ice-skater did. Should Noah have stepped in a long time ago? Should he have tried to help Mona raise her better?
But what was “better,” anyway?
Suddenly, Noah remembered his phone. He knew he had to contact Sam and tell her he’d found Avery. Avery watched him get up, her eyes stirring with curiosity. He hovered over the sofa for a second, squeezing his hands into fists.
Finally, he said, “Please, Avery.”
Avery tilted her head.
“Please, don’t do that to me again.”
Avery bowed her head. It was like she was too ashamed to look at him.
Noah wondered if that was enough. Maybe he didn’t have to pester her about where she’d been, why she’d left, or what had happened. Perhaps he never had to know why she’d run away from the wake, where she’d gone, and why she’d wound up here. Maybe he and Avery could have a fresh start—beginning today. Perhaps from here on out, they could be honest with one another. Maybe.
But when Noah found his phone in his truck, everything changed.
Sam had called him seven times.
She’d also texted: Sorry to sound so frantic. But there’s something you need to know.
Noah stood in the violent February chill, staring at the phone. This felt out of nowhere. This felt terrifying. But when he turned to look at the house, he took comfort in the fact that he could see the flicker of the television. He knew that Avery was inside. Maybe she’d already stolen the remote and changed the channel to something she wanted to watch. Perhaps after this, he’d pour himself into a five-hour marathon of a dating show. Maybe they’d pick sides and argue about who should win and who should lose.
Maybe he and Avery could live pleasantly and happily—without ever having super-serious conversations about what had happened and what they needed to do.
Whatever Sam “needed him to know” couldn’t matter. Right?
But his phone started ringing again. It was Sam. He bit his tongue and answered it.
“Hey, I’m sorry. It’s been crazy here,” he said. “Avery showed up.”
Sam gasped with relief. “I’m so glad to hear that.”
“I told you not to go out looking for her,” Noah said, feeling a smile in his voice. “She’s a spitfire. Maybe I won’t ever know how to handle her. But she just got here. We have to figure each other out.”
Sam was quiet.
“Thanks for all your help today,” he offered. “I know you had a lot on your plate. More than that, I know that none of these people actually belong to your family. Lillian isn’t your mother-in-law anymore. You’re taking care of everyone, and you don’t even really have to.”
“We’re all family on this island,” she countered. “We have to take care of each other.”
Another gust of freezing wind came off the Nantucket Sound and went straight to Noah’s core. He shivered. He wanted to get off the phone.
But he decided to ask, “How’s Lillian?”
Sam let out a long sigh. Noah was pretty sure she was driving. A feeling of air to the call made him think she was speeding down a long, empty road.
“Lillian is Lillian,” Sam offered. “But I have some news. I don’t know how to tell you this.”
Noah furrowed his brow and tried to imagine what she could tell him that could destroy him. Avery was inside and safe. She was going to work with him now, not against him. It was going to be good.
“Out with it,” Noah ordered finally, trying to laugh. “The suspense is killing me.”
“When Margot got home today, there was a teenager in the boathouse,” Sam said.
Noah’s heart dropped into his stomach. He knew what she was going to say next, but he let her go on.
“Even though she refused to introduce herself, we know it was Avery,” Sam added.
Could it be a coincidence? Noah scrambled for some logic in all this.
“When she was found the other day, she was in another boathouse,” Noah said. “I guess it’s where she likes to hide out.” He wanted to add that she wasn’t going to do that anymore, even though there was no way to know that.
“Avery and Margot spent a little time together,” Sam added quietly.
“Oh.” Noah closed his eyes. He felt reality crashing in on itself.
“Margot did what she could for her,” Sam said. “She fed her and so on.”
“Of course she did.”
Margot was one of the kindest and sweetest people in the world. No question that she’d seen that skinny teenager and thought, How can I help her?
“But it sounds like Avery knew who Margot was,” Sam added. “She called her by her name and asked her questions about herself.”
Noah couldn’t breathe. “How could she possibly have known?”
“I don’t know.”
Noah’s eyes stung with tears.
“I better go,” he said.
“Of course. But listen. I’m just so glad she’s back home,” Sam said. “I hope she knows she has a ton of people rooting for her.”
“Yeah. Thanks, Sam. I don’t know what else to say.”
“Don’t mention it,” Sam said.
They hung up, and Noah stood like a fool in the winter cold, his thoughts whirring like the snow that suddenly came from the thick stretch of clouds above.
The other night at the burger place, Avery heard the name Margot for the first time. Obviously, she’d been intrigued. Was that why she’d gone to school? So she could escape for a few hours and poke around Margot’s life? Did she want to dig through Noah’s dark past and discover more about him? Or did she just want to make a mess of things?
Noah felt a renewed sense of loss. But all he could do right now was head inside and sit with Avery—a young woman who’d dared break through the boundaries of Noah’s life and make a mess of things. All he could do was demand answers.
Meanwhile, he knew that Margot was sitting up with Lillian just a few miles away, probably at another television, maybe watching the snowfall, thinking about Noah.
Would they ever meet again?
But when he entered the house and found Avery on the sofa, she was half asleep. A dating show played too loud on the television, and Avery had eaten all her grilled cheese and some of his. Noah stifled a sob and turned off the television. Whatever conversation they might have had, it would have to wait.
“Patience” was something Noah had preached to the parents of the youths he worked with. You need to offer them patience and respect, he’d said.
He needed to practice what he preached.
But now he understood how difficult it really was for those parents. Love made everything messy. Love made him pull a blanket over his niece and creep down the hall to make sure she didn’t wake up.
Love made him think they could get through this. At least we had to try.