Chapter 19
Chapter Nineteen
T hat Saturday, the movers packed everything up in Boston and came to Nantucket to deliver Avery’s belongings. Her boxes littered the hallway, the living room, and the guest bedroom, which were filled with posters, scrapbooks, and T-shirts with ironic sayings. They were filled with knickknacks she’d bought with her mother, memories from better times. Inexplicably, there was a life-sized stuffed giraffe, which Avery said she’d won at a carnival last year.
“It’s terrifying,” Noah said because it was true that the giraffe wore a strange and sinister smile.
Avery said, “I know. That’s what I like about it.”
Noah laughed, shaking his head. He remembered when he’d wanted to freak his parents out, too. He remembered when he’d wanted to assert himself as an adult—long before he turned eighteen.
Perhaps because Avery wanted to see and touch her old things again, she set to work immediately, fitting her new bedroom with the style of her old one. Noah asked a thousand times if she needed help, and Avery answered each time that she didn’t. She wanted to do it herself.
She was figuring out a way to move forward.
Noah wondered if this meant she had no plans to run away again. He guessed he had to trust her on that. Instead of bothering her with anything emotionally wrought, he asked if she wanted pizza for delivery, and she said, “Do you even have to ask?”
He called the pizza place immediately and ordered three pies. He knew she’d eat at least one of them all by herself, and they’d need backup for later that night.
Grief made her hungry. But she was also a teenager. It all added up.
Since Thursday night’s insanity, Noah had only heard from Margot via text message. She’d explained that she was “exploring why Vic Rondell was so close with her mother” and that she couldn’t fully get into it yet.
MARGOT: I’m spending as much time with Mom as I can. I don’t want Vic around anymore. But she misses him. She’s asked about him five times just this morning.
MARGOT: I feel like there’s so much to explain. Let’s meet up later this week.
MARGOT: I just can’t leave Lillian alone right now. And I’m kind of a mess.
NOAH: We can bring her wherever we go.
MARGOT: Haha. It’s like when we were first going out, and she sat with us wherever we were, keeping one eye on whatever we did. Our chaperone.
Noah’s heart ballooned at the memories of those long ago days.
MARGOT: She hated me even then! She never wanted me!
The tone of these messages was meant to be humorous, but Noah didn’t know what to text back. He thrummed with sorrow for a second.
NOAH: Lillian has always been a complicated person. But she’s your mother. She loves you. She just doesn’t know how to show it very well.
Just like Mona didn’t know how to take care of herself. Just like Mona didn’t know how to stick around.
The world was filled with mothers whose capacity for care couldn’t match their love for their children. It was a tragedy, but it happened all the time.
During the week, Margot invited Noah and Avery to a Coleman family dinner, to be held that Friday night. Noah was taken off guard. Never in his life had he entered the immaculate home of a wealthy Coleman. Did he really belong there? No. Not in the least. But Avery didn’t have any qualms about accepting and said, “Uncle Noah, we have to try that food. We can’t miss out. Come on.” Noah agreed that it was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
But he was terrified that he would make a fool of himself in front of the Colemans and thus show Margot that he wasn’t good enough for her.
He was still reeling in shock that she was back in his life. He didn’t want to chase her away. Even if she planned to go back to Boston, eventually. He couldn’t think about that yet, although he had googled her flower shop, going on twenty times to learn that, yes, it was immaculate, beautiful, and award-winning. How could she give it up?
When the night in question rolled around, Avery and Noah dressed up in their best clothes and drove out to the Coleman Estate. It towered over them like a fortress. When Avery knocked on the door, she put a scowl on her face, maybe meant to announce to the Colemans that she wasn’t frightened of them.
It was no small miracle that Sam opened the door. “Welcome!” she cried. “I’m so glad you could make it.”
They were brought into the warmth of a beautiful and family-oriented home. Someone handed Noah a beer and Avery a soda. Avery was beckoned into the fold of several teenagers, all of whom were chilling in a back room, listening to music and gossiping about high school and eating pre-dinner snacks made by Estelle, the matriarch of the family). Avery didn’t glance back once at Noah, not even when one of the Colemans said, “Avery! I remember you from before you moved away. Is it good to be back?”
Noah filled his mouth with beer and turned away. He had to let her be herself. He had to let her fly.
Suddenly, Sam’s brother Charlie stood before him, introducing himself and launching immediately into a discussion about the upcoming season of March Madness. It was another miracle. Finally, someone wanted to talk to Noah about college basketball!
“My niece hates when I bring this up,” Noah said with a laugh. “I have to keep my sports love on the down-low.”
“Not around here,” Charlie promised him.
Noah fell into the conversation fluidly, his heart opening. Maybe these Colemans weren’t so bad after all.
“But Gonzaga looks great this year,” Charlie was saying, dipping a cracker into a bowl of hummus. “Who are you thinking you want to put in your bracket?”
Noah grinned. “It’s been years since somebody asked me that.”
“You should watch the games with us. My son and I get really into it.”
Noah could hardly believe it. He’d spent years on Nantucket with very few friends, nursing the wounds from his previous life.
It was like his life was opening up again.
Sam approached soon after, wearing a big smile and carrying a glass of wine. “So glad you could make it,” she said under her breath. “Avery looks good. Happier, at least a little.”
Noah followed Sam’s gaze to Avery, who was laughing at something one of the Coleman kids said.
“I hope you’re right.”
“Lillian seems better, too,” Sam said. “She’s been in the kitchen with my mother all afternoon, talking about recipes. Margot mentioned the doctor upped her medication. I hope it sticks. But I know it’s all about experimentation with these things. It’s all about looking at the long-term.”
Noah nodded, although he didn’t know anything about Lillian’s medication. “Is Margot with her?”
“She’s with my sister, Hilary,” Sam said. “They’re talking about all things wedding and flowers.”
Noah’s heart lifted. He remembered that once upon a time, he thought he and Margot would be married.
How strange to imagine that maybe, if he played his cards right, that could still happen.
Maybe.
For the briefest of moments, Noah allowed himself to imagine a future wherein he, Margot, and a baby—their baby—sat on a blanket in the sun.
He imagined Avery there, too, smiling happily and eager to help.
Don’t get ahead of yourself , Noah thought.
Noah followed Sam through the dining room to find Margot and Hilary bent over what looked to be fifteen wedding magazines, scouring bouquets and new wedding season trends. Margot’s cheeks were pink, and she was talking animatedly, her hands waving. Hilary hung on her every word. It took Margot a full minute to realize Noah was watching her, and when she did, she put her hands on her cheeks and said, “Oh no. I probably sound insane!”
Noah’s smile hurt his face. “You sound passionate.”
Margot got up and hugged Noah as though they saw each other all the time and it wasn’t only the third time they’d met in twenty years. Noah’s heart threatened to blast straight through his shirt. He could feel all the Colemans watching them.
“You dressed up,” Margot said.
Noah laughed. He’d worn his best shirt. “It’s nothing.”
“You look good,” Margot said.
Hilary and Sam nodded earnestly.
“I think Avery’s done me some good,” Noah said finally. “It’s nice not to live alone.”
It was the first time he’d realized that.
From the kitchen came the sound of Lillian talking to Estelle Coleman about an old family recipe, one that had come from her husband Frank’s mother.
“She never thought I was worth anything,” Lillian said. “She always told Frank he should have married someone else.”
“You’re kidding!” Estelle cried. “How awful. What did you do?”
“I broke down crying a few times,” Lillian explained. “But you know how it is. Eventually, I had to go grocery shopping, clean the house, and make sure the kids bathed. Time shuffled me along.”
Noah felt it like a knife in his stomach. Margot winced and rubbed the back of her neck.
“Let’s go outside,” she suggested under her breath.
Margot and Noah whisked through the dining room and out onto the back terrace of the immaculate Coleman Estate, where they stood in rapture as Nantucket waves rolled slowly toward them on a sparkling beach. Noah felt as though they were teenagers who’d snuck out of a family party to sneak a cigarette or something.
He couldn’t hold the silence for long.
“I’ve thought about you all week,” he breathed.
Margot touched his hair gently, her eyes glittering. “Me too.”
“It was intense. Maybe it was too intense.”
“It was bound to be,” Margot said. “We both have so much on our plates. And it’s just been so long since…” She stared ahead, clearly captivated by the water.
Noah’s heart ached with fear. What did she mean? Did she mean she didn’t want to continue whatever this was? Did that mean she didn’t want to stay with him?
We aren’t even together , he reminded himself, feeling bashful.
“Thank you for inviting us for dinner,” he said.
“It’s nice that the Colemans are adopting us,” she said. “I never imagined. Funny that Daniel’s out, and I’m in.”
“Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined this,” Noah said. He dared to reach for her hand and held it loosely. “Have you seen Vic Rondell again?”
“He’s stayed away,” Margot said.
“What do you think he’s up to?”
Margot grimaced. “It’s complicated. But I think it has something to do with my father.”
Noah’s eyes widened. “What do you mean?”
Margot explained all that she knew. “He was reading diary entries from 1981—five years before I was born. It looks like my father had an affair.”
Noah took a breath. “Oh no.”
“It broke my mother’s heart, of course. It looks like he left for about a year. I never knew any of this,” Margot said, shaking her head. “But when he returned, and they rekindled their love or whatever, they wanted to have another baby. Or my father wanted to have another baby, and my mother probably wanted to keep him around. Keep him happy.”
Noah nodded sadly. “Margot, I’m so sorry.”
They held the silence, listening to the crash of waves.
“But why would Vic be reading the diary entries from that time?” Noah whispered.
Margot’s face crumpled. “I can only think of one explanation.”
Noah understood what she meant. It was almost unspeakably strange.
“You need to find Vic Rondell,” he said.
“I’m frightened of him,” she said. “He seemed so cruel. So strange. Like he blames me for whatever happened back then.”
“Maybe he is cruel. Maybe he does blame you,” Noah said, remembering Vic and his swanky suits and criminally handsome face.
It occurred to Noah now that Vic really did look a great deal like Frank Earnheart. Why hadn’t he thought of it before?
“I should have realized,” Margot whispered. “It just didn’t feel rational.”
“We don’t know anything for sure yet,” Noah reminded her.
Margot’s voice wavered. She turned to look hard in Noah’s eyes. Noah’s heart thumped.
“Will you come with me?”
Noah felt a jolt of joy. “Of course.”
There was nowhere in the world he’d rather be than by her side—through thick and thin.
Hadn’t he told her that after her father’s death? Hadn’t he said, let me go with you, let me help you, let me love you?
The door to the back terrace opened, and Estelle Coleman peered out. “Attention, folks! We’re gathering for dinner. You ready to eat?”
“We’re starving, Estelle,” Margot said, smiling.
“That’s what I like to hear,” Estelle said.
As soon as Estelle disappeared, clipping the door closed behind her, Noah pulled Margot to his chest and held her. Nantucket winds crashed against them, and their hair blew in all directions. Margot raised her chin so that it sat gently on his chest. She looked at him, her gaze penetrating. Noah had the feeling that he held the entire world in his arms.
He wanted to ask her if she still loved him or if she thought she could find a way back to the love they’d once shared.
But it was too soon for such grand statements. It was too soon to lay it all out.
Instead, Noah did something else. Closing his eyes, he bent his head and kissed her gently. The waves crashed along the shore. Margot’s lips were soft and smooth, and they parted for him. As they melted into one another, Noah thought, This is where I belong.
Margot shivered in his arms. But she didn’t let go.
Inside, Lillian, Margot, Noah, and Avery sat side by side at a dining table that seemed to be the length of Noah’s entire house. Most of the Coleman family was there: Sam, Charlie, and Hilary, their partners and children, save for Rachelle, who was still in Rome, plus Estelle, Roland, and Roland’s brother Grant and his family. Everyone talked over each other, updating their favorite people in the world on the small victories or failures of their previous weeks. The food was sensational—a buffet of roasted pork and salmon, buttery potatoes, roasted vegetables, homemade bread, platters of delectable and expensive cheeses, and what looked to be fifteen different desserts of cakes and pies and homemade chocolates.
Noah bent to whisper in Margot’s ear, “This is more food than I usually see at weddings, and it’s better, too.”
Margot muttered back, “Imagine how decadent Hilary’s wedding will be!”
She said it in a way that suggested Noah would be there, too.
Margot nudged him with her elbow and smiled. “Want to be my date?”
Noah was stunned with desire and joy. He could hardly eat. “I’d love to.”
“Wonderful. But I have to put you to work,” Margot said. “Hilary’s flower vision is extraordinary, to say the least. It’s going to be the biggest project of my life.”
“Just tell me what to carry and where to go,” Noah said. “I’m your man.”
On the other side of Margot sat Lillian. After a hard day of doing what she knew to do best—cooking—Lillian looked satisfied and pleased with herself. She ate a few bites here and there but mostly sat with a soft smile on her face, looking around at the Coleman family. Sometimes she asked questions like, “When did you have this place built?” or “How do you like the potatoes?” or “How long till summer? I can hardly wait.”
When Estelle started talking to Lillian about her summer plans, Lillian gestured toward Margot and said, “My youngest always has a beautiful garden. She has a sensational green thumb.”
Margot stopped eating to look at her mother. She seemed mystified. Later, she’d tell Noah, “My mother never bragged about me. Ever. She always made me feel like she’d forgotten about me.”
“I’ve heard rumors about her beautiful flower shop in Boston,” Estelle said, eyeing Margot.
“A flower shop?” Lillian searched Estelle’s face.
“That’s right, Mom. I own a little shop in Boston,” Margot said.
Lillian turned to look at her daughter. “Is that something you’ve told me before? Goodness, I’m sorry. You know how it is with this illness.”
As far as Noah knew, it was the first time Lillian had ever referred to her Alzheimer’s as a reality they were going through together. Noah reached for Margot’s hand under the table. She squeezed it back.
“Don’t worry about it, Mom,” Margot said, her eyes glinting.
“It’s good to have younger people around,” Estelle said. “They can help us remember.”
Lillian continued to look hard at Margot as though she’d never looked at her in this light before. She reached up and touched Margot’s hair.
A few of the Colemans stopped eating to watch her. But in their eyes, Noah saw no cruelty. They were curious about the love between this sick woman and the daughter who’d only recently returned to her.
“You really turned into a beautiful woman,” Lillian said, her voice breaking.
Margot took a shuddering breath. “I come by it honestly. Good genes.”
Lillian cackled and brushed her hand across Margot’s shoulder. “Don’t flatter me.”
“I would never,” Margot said.
The moment didn’t last long. Very soon, Charlie began to talk to Roland about sports, and Hilary started talking about her wedding again. Avery was busy imitating one of the high school teachers to another of the Coleman kids. But the briefest of beautiful moments between Margot and Lillian were all Noah needed to understand that together, they were turning a new leaf.
He decided he’d be there for both of them.
He’d draw Margot, Lillian, Avery, and himself through this difficult time.
He’d do it because, despite everything, he still remembered how to love. It felt like a remarkable thing. After twenty years of lying dormant, his heart wasn’t dead. Not yet.