Chapter 3 #2
I flicker out of existence again, seeking relief from the rush of fear that turns my gut inside out. The loss of control interrupts Jasper’s spellwork, and he sighs.
“Stay still, lass,” he murmurs, placing his hand on my ankle.
Somehow—and I wish I could explain why—I can still feel him, even though I’ve ghosted. Everything else, including the bed, is nothing. His touch is the exception. Stranger still, it sucks me back to corporeality without even trying, and oh magic, I stifle a moan.
He’s so warm. The heat of him sinks into my skin like sunlight. I want to roll in it, get as close as I physically can to the source.
We could have sex.
I bat that thought away as swiftly as it arises.
Now is not the time…and now that I have a real body, there are massive implications to taking any of them to my bed.
I indulged myself before, justifying our encounters as making the most of whatever limited time I had left.
I never believed anything could come of what happened with Lambert and Jasper.
Now entangling myself with the heirs—with future parriarchs—will have very real consequences.
Allegations of favouritism would abound if I were to enter even the most casual kind of relationship with one of them.
I could destroy the Arcanaeum’s reputation.
And romance is a gateway to betrayal. Edmund taught me that.
Though, I must admit, it’s hard to believe Lambert or Jasper would ever use me that way.
I know them far better than I really knew Edmund, the traitorous, touch-starved voice in the back of my mind whispers. I’m no longer a na?ve little girl with a crush.
Leo coughs pointedly, and I snap back to the conversation with burning cheeks. All four of them are watching me again.
“Sorry,” I mumble. “I wasn’t expecting… It’s been a long time since someone touched me.”
Jasper’s eyes widen. He snatches his hand back, stealing the sense of connection away and leaving me oddly…bereft.
“I shouldnae have assumed—” he begins.
Leo scoffs, folding his arms. “Did she sound like she was complaining? Now, Kyrie, back to the sacrifice.”
“She doesn’t need this right now,” Eddy interrupts.
At the same time, Dakari grumbles, “Stop messing with her name like that.”
Shaking my head, I take a deep breath and hold up a hand for peace before they can fall into more squabbles. Besides…I kind of like how he says ‘Kyrie’ in that silky accent.
“My murderers never bothered to fill me in on the details.” I sigh. “After I was stabbed, I woke up as a ghost and banished them. The Arcanaeum ripped itself free of the dimension you all call home, and the spire dripped some kind of crystallising magic onto my corpse.”
“Why?” he presses.
“I don’t know why.” Irritation flares, tension tightening the muscles across my shoulders. “I don’t have any answers for you. No one involved ever thought to give me any.”
“And while I was searching for solutions to the cracks, you never thought to mention that your corpse was experiencing the same phenomenon?” Leo says.
I share a look with Dakari, because he was the only one who knew, and the Talcott heir leans forward, tilting his head in a clear offer to halt Leo’s line of questioning.
Gritting my teeth, I shake my head.
“I didn’t mention it because, at the time, I believed my death was inevitable. The cracks were inexplicable. In the end, after Pierce and his grandfather ambushed me—”
“Pierce did what?” Dakari straightens fully, hands fisting by his sides as Jasper’s murmured spells stutter out. Even Leo’s jaw clenches, his icy eyes hardening.
“He cracked you as well,” Leo guesses. “I’m guessing it was a targeted attack.”
Swallowing, I jerk my eyes back to my hands. It’s not hard to talk about, just embarrassing that I fell for such an obvious distraction. To be fair, I’d expected the Arcanaeum to warn me…
“Carlton actively attempting to harm the Librarian has implications,” Leo continues. “You should’ve come to us with this, or told the other parriarchs.”
Before or after he’d finished blaming me for activating his curse? I pin him with an unimpressed glare that I hope conveys that sentiment, and he huffs out an aggravated breath.
“I’ll kill him.” The trinkets on my shelves rattle, as if to punctuate Dakari’s statement, and I still them with a thought.
“After he cracked me,” I continue, not wanting to discuss Pierce, his grandfather, or that strange encounter, “and I realised that the Arcanaeum helped him do it, I was upset. I decided it was better to get it over with.”
Eddy reaches across, arm surrounding my shoulders in a hug.
“Get it over with?” Galileo turns on his heel and paces away from me, rubbing his temples. “Fecking stars above.”
“Oh, because you’re dealing so much better at being subjected to a magical predicament outside of your control.
” There’s no way I’m letting him get away with that hypocrisy.
“I’m fed up with being nothing more than a tool for arcanists to use.
Ever since the day they plucked me off the streets and tricked me onto that altar, I’ve been nothing but another pawn for the six families to play with. ”
Him included. My hands fist in the sheets, and I drag a harsh breath in through my nose, willing myself to calm down.
“You have no idea what it’s like to die every single night. I just wanted one good memory. A kind touch. One person who saw me as something more…” Damn, my voice is breaking again.
Eddy’s hug tightens, and the blankets around me tuck a little closer—the Arcanaeum’s doing.
The building seems…tired. I barely noticed it before, but the more I focus on it, the more I realise that the exhaustion isn’t solely my own. We’re both drained.
“Hey, it’s okay,” she says.
Is it? I was overwhelmed before I kissed Lambert. Now it’s a hundred times worse. Magic, was blinking away tears always so ineffective?
I scrub a hand across my eyes. “I thought, with your promises to protect the Arcanaeum, I’d done my duty.
” My forehead drops onto my knees, sparing me from seeing their reactions.
“Lambert’s and North’s grades were improving.
No one required sanctuary or healing, and my assistance with the ensorcellment only led to disaster. What was left for me to do?”
Leo hisses out a breath. “Anything except that. Do you know what you did to Lambert?”
“It was wrong of me. I intend to apologise as soon as I see him.”
“You were in a dark place and couldn’t see a way out,” Eddy says, her gentleness coaxing me to glance up again. “You were dying every night, for fuck’s sake. He’ll forgive you.”
Perhaps he will—he is perpetually sunny Lambert, after all—but that won’t necessarily make it right.
Jasper closes his grimoire quietly, but won’t meet my eyes as he murmurs, “Fit as a fiddle.” There’s a heavy pause, and his cheeks slowly darken. “And for the record, lass, Lambert wasnae the only one who saw you as more than just some pawn.”
He slips away, heading for the stairs, brushing past Dakari with little more than a mumbled, “I’m going to see what happened to North and her food.”
Oh. Oh. My stomach ties itself in knots as the shelves around me sag.
Lambert wasn’t the only one I hurt, and I don’t know how to fix it.
The muscle in Leo’s jaw works silently as he pinches the bridge of his nose. “I can be…focused. I know that. I banjaxed our attempt to break the ensorcellment. I'm sorry. But I’m not trying to use you. I’m trying to save him. I certainly never thought you’d try to off yourself.”
Sighing, because Leo’s apology is once again more justification than true contrition, I shift my gaze to the final heir in the room, expecting some admonishment.
Dakari is still leaning against the newel post, saying nothing. There’s something deep and watchful in the weight of that black gaze. Something I’m not quite ready to face, and so, like a coward, I turn away, focusing instead on the heaviness of responsibility resting in my bones.
A long moment later, I feel him descend the stairs in measured steps, followed by Leo. The lack of heirs in the room shouldn’t be as much of a relief as it is, but I sag deeper into Eddy’s hold anyway.
I owe all of them an apology, especially the Arcanaeum and Lambert. I’m not sure how either of them will take it.
All of those thoughts are lightened by hope and gratitude that swell up within me like the tide.
I messed up, but I’m alive now. I’ll fix my mistakes, and then I’m going to get on with the business of finally living. Every single wistful dream I entertained as a ghost is now within reach and, as soon as I’ve apologised and made things right with the heirs, I intend to fulfil them all.
It’s all a little too much still, and I go to tug at the long sleeve of my top, only to freeze as the familiar action is actually accompanied by the shift of fabric against my skin. There’s so much to get used to. So much has changed since I last left the Arcanaeum.
I peel Eddy away from my shoulders, swinging my legs over the side of the bed. “We can finish this conversation once I’m properly attired.”
Unfortunately, I underestimate the weight of my body. At the first step, I stumble, and my legs give out on the second.
The books on my nightstand rush to my aid, catching me beneath my elbows as the shelves rustle with amusement.
“I’m glad someone finds this funny,” I grumble, as Eddy loops her arm beneath mine and helps me into a more dignified position. “Damn it. Why is everything so difficult?”
Eddy offers me a sympathetic smirk. “Perhaps because you haven’t eaten in five-hundred years? Come on, let’s find you some clothes.”
If whatever she has planned for me matches these ludicrous pyjamas, perhaps I’d be better off without her assistance.
“I can manage,” I tell her, giving the book under my other arm an experimental boost, then relaxing slightly when it responds as it always has. “And honestly, I’d like a second alone. I just need to…think.”
Her gold eyes rake over me, and I hope she sees the request for space for what it is; the product of an overburdened mind, rather than the result of anything she’s done.
“Okay. Yell if you need me, or get the Arcanaeum to nudge me, or…whatever.”
I manage to smile just reassuringly enough to get her to leave, and I wait patiently until I feel her steps cross the threshold before pulling on the magic of the Library and shutting the red door below.
Whatever else has happened, my influence over the Arcanaeum and the books within remains the same.
I just don’t know how or why.