Chapter 5
Five
Kyrith
The Arcanaeum has extended the snug below the clock tower to create a larger dining area, dominated by a behemoth of a table.
The oval surface is mahogany, polished to a mirror sheen and cluttered with more of those square cardboard boxes, most of which are open to display wheels of pizza dripping in cheese and toppings.
Crowded around them are the remaining four heirs and Eddy. Lambert slides out from behind me, slipping into a spot between the twins with a grin. The only chair remaining is at the head of the table, and it moves itself out for me as I approach.
Somewhere between the drag of the legs over the thick rug raking down my spine, and my butt hitting the smooth, solid wood of the seat, I become aware of five very masculine gazes raking over my body. I glance up, almost flickering out of my physical form under the intensity.
“You look younger,” North comments, breaking the silence as Lambert helps himself to a massive slice of pizza. “Without the Tudor clothes.”
That wasn’t a question. I’m not sure if it was a compliment either. Regardless, my first pizza experience is more important than acknowledging his banal statement.
Gripping my plate firmly in one hand, I delve into the box, frowning as I realise that this meal evidently requires one to separate one's own portion from the rest of the poorly cut bread. Damn. The cheese is sliding off, and half of the thin pepperoni slices are leaving with it.
My fingers are greasy by the time I manage to transfer my portion to my plate, but a cloth napkin appears at my side before I can ask for one.
“How old are you?” Dakari asks.
One of my brows arches as I take my seat. “That question remains as rude today as it was when I was born, which, for your information, was five hundred and thirty-six years ago.”
Studying Eddy—because I don’t for one second believe Lambert’s method of dangling the pizza over his face and letting it fall into his mouth is the most decorous way to eat this—I copy her hand placement and nibble at the end of my pizza.
Stars.
It’s hot, burning my mouth, but I couldn’t put it down if I wanted to. This is… This is incredible.
I grew up on bread and cheese. How is this so revolutionary?
Stars damn it, my slice is gone.
Dakari reaches out and nudges a different box towards me. I select a new wedge topped with chicken and bacon and something so sweet it makes my teeth ache.
It’s only when I’ve demolished two more slices that I realise the rest of them are staring at me. I swallow, tongue darting out to capture any sauce that might’ve been left behind as I search blindly for my napkin to wipe my face.
“If you’re about to accuse me of being ill-mannered,” I begin, dabbing at my lips, but Jasper shakes his head.
“It’s nothing bad.” He shrugs. “You just look happy.”
Oh.
I suppose…I am.
Glowing at the realisation, I push back from my chair.
“Thank you for the meal,” I tell North, wiping my fingers diligently.
“Where are you going?” Eddy asks.
I pause, looking back at her yellow eyes, and hedge, “Well, that was pizza down…”
Realisation lights her features. “Pizza, sex, and travel?”
The warm, relaxed atmosphere in the room evaporates, and the lights flicker warily. Jaws tense. Fists clench. It would be easy to think they were mad at me, but Leo and North certainly have no reason to be.
“You’ve only been alive for three days,” Eddy begins. “And you were asleep for most of that. Don’t you think you should get used to it first?”
Spoken like the young, to whom the days ahead seem endless.
“I’ve been dead for centuries,” I remind her, heading for the thin beige door to my left. “I plan to live every second while I can.”
“Wait, you’re just off to fuck a random stranger?” Jasper’s crestfallen expression tugs at something nameless in my chest as I clasp the handle, raising my fist to knock.
My eyes fall shut at the barely veiled hurt in his question, my head tipping back as my traitorous heart screams at me. Secretly, I wonder if I even have the guts to go through with it. To leave and enter a world so different to the one I once lived in.
No. I earned this. I can’t stay in this building another second. The world is out there. I’ve been shut off from it for so long.
I want to see sunsets over oceans, feel warm breezes, and touch snowflakes. I crave being touched. Held. Fucked.
And maybe these are just baby steps. Maybe all I’ll do tonight is stand on a beautiful street and gape at cars, and neon signs, and all the other modern marvels I’ve read about.
Maybe I’ll listen to the inexplicable guilt whirling in my gut and allow my dry spell to linger until I’m certain I won’t regret the decision.
Even if all of that happens, I still need to go out there.
For me.
“Are you sure that’s wise?” Dakari adds, those expressive brows furrowed into a stern frown of disapproval, his fist landing on the table with a muffled thud. “Or even safe?”
“I’m not defenceless.”
“Boss,” Lambert objects. “Come on, you know I’d worship you if you let me.”
My eyes flit to him, only to find his chair pushed out and one hand braced on the back of it, like he’s seconds from launching himself after me.
“Any of us would,” Jasper says, sounding a little desperate. “C’mon, lass. Do you really want the experience to be with some absolute fucking cunt who doesn’t give three shits about you? At least the five of us would never—”
“I’m the Librarian,” I cut him off, glancing at Leo, relying on his cold rationality to steady myself, only to find him just as inexplicably stiff with anger as the others. “You’re going to be parriarchs one day. What we did before I was revived…”
I can’t say it was wrong, because I liked what we did too much. I can’t even truthfully say I regret it either, because I don’t. They’re beautiful men, and it would be heartbreakingly easy to love them, if I let myself. Magic, if they weren’t heirs…
But they are.
Softening my tone, I finish, “That can’t happen again. The Arcanaeum must remain neutral, and I won’t interfere with the six houses.”
“Do you need a wing-woman?” Eddy asks, getting up. “We can get you a phone, make sure you’re safe.”
Relief fills me. “That would be great, thank you.”
“She’s not fucking an inept,” Dakari growls, and I swallow in surprise at the uncommon display of temper. “Even if she takes every precaution in the world, it’s not enough.”
At the same time, North grunts, “I don’t want to get crushed to the floor again, but she’s never used a phone before, Eddy. You need a better plan. Or better yet, call this whole thing off.”
“Agreed,” Leo says, surprising me. “Don’t get me wrong, it’s none of my fecking business, but what happens to the Arcanaeum if you get murdered by some creep?”
He’s playing on my loyalty to the building, though I’m fairly certain he’s only thinking of his ensorcellment.
My breath rushes out in a great sigh as Eddy joins me. They’re so obsessed with the idea of me sleeping with another man that they’re completely ignoring the point.
The five of them are ready to go to battle with some imaginary suitor. And for what? My safety?
No. Even I’m not that dense. They’re jealous.
And that’s even more dangerous, because most of them have no right to be. Of the two who do, Lambert’s objection makes even less sense, because he was completely unconcerned by the news that Jasper and I had been intimate.
“You’re right,” I tell North and Leo. “It is none of your business.” Then, softer, I admit, “I’ve been locked in this building for so long, I’ve forgotten what birdsong sounds like. I’m going.”
Taking a deep breath, I knock briskly on the door. “De Wallen.”
It swings open, and I force myself not to look back as I take my first step onto the brick-paved street beside one of Amsterdam’s many beautiful canals.
I can already smell the fresh, outside air and envision the gentle caress of a breeze over my skin.
There are swans on the water, tobacco on the wind, and—
My entire body jolts like I’ve been electrocuted. The sensation of being stretched, like an elastic band pulled too far, eclipses everything else. My toes have barely crossed the threshold, yet pain steals my breath, immobilising me.
A bicycle whirs past, granting me the distraction I need to shove forwards, but with every determined step the stretch gets worse and worse.
Focus on the red glow, I order myself. A few more steps, and I’ll be able to see the swans properly.
I’ve made it four paces. I can’t breathe, but still, I fix my gaze on the streetlight ahead.
Five paces, and my eyes are watering.
At six, I start to backslide. My feet lose their purchase on the stone, my form losing solidity as I’m dragged back into the Arcanaeum by invisible hands.
No. Magic. No!
Not again.
Please.
I clutch at the doorframe, tears blurring my vision as I lose the battle and am wrenched back inside.
Something in my chest crumples as my knees give out, and I hit the floor. The door swings shut, slamming in front of my nose. One last waft of real air hits my face in a mocking backdraft, tainted with scents I don’t recognise.
The Arcanaeum sags sadly around me as my forehead thunks against the wood.
Silence reigns.
You could hear a pin drop as the others in the room try, and fail, to come up with something to say.
I’m glad for it. Taking a shaking breath, I switch to my ghostly form, shoulders dropping as all of my sorrow, grief, and humiliation fade from a choking mess to a more manageable intellectual pain.
If only it could last.
“Kyrith,” Eddy begins. “Hey, look, we can—”
She cuts off as warm, large hands cup my shoulders, forcing me solid again with nothing more than a touch as Dakari drags me back against the hard planes of his body.
The contact is the final straw.
I lose it.
With a shameful sob, I turn my face into his chest, and cry.
“Shh,” he murmurs. “Baby girl, I—”
“I wanted to see a beach.” My breath gives an embarrassing little hiccough. “Pigeons. I was going to touch snow.”
I’m babbling like a fool, clutching his shirt like a lifeline.
He holds me tighter, like he can squish all of my shattered dreams back together with his embrace alone, and I crumble a little more. This is undignified, but I cling to him anyway. I’ve not truly felt this kind of loss in centuries, and now… I have no idea how to process it.
How do I stop this?
What must they all think?
“Boss.” Lambert is at my back, and to his credit, he doesn’t even seem smug. “It’ll be okay. We’ll figure something out.”
Beyond him, Jasper is making his way towards me, but North and Leo look like they’d rather be anywhere else. I don’t blame them. Who wants to be stuck in a room with a hysterical woman?
I shouldn’t want them to see this. They’re going to be future parriarchs, and that means one day I’ll have to look them in the eye and remember the time I acted like a pathetic mess. They’ll know how trapped I am, and use that wound against me, the same way any of their forebears would’ve done.
“I’m fine,” I insist, even though my throat feels like it’s closing over. I don’t remember crying involving quite so much snot. “I can cope with this. I’ll just… If you’ll excuse me for just one second.”
Like a coward, I push free from Dakari’s arms, merging with the building and flinging myself back into being high above, in the privacy of my room. I land on the bed, my face smooshed into the pillow as, without Dakari to hold me together, I give in and fall apart.