Sebastian
Chapter Seventeen
At the end of the street, there was a small park too few people ever visited.
There were bright green leaves on trees there and the grass was a little overgrown.
It reminded me of all the times Tyler and I had played here as boys.
Climbing the trees, jumping over the flowerbeds, and hiding in the bushes, we’d played every game imaginable, just the two of us.
It had always been a welcome escape from reality.
Today, we weren’t going to play. There was no escaping reality anymore. We were too old to run away from things that were hard to face or admit to ourselves.
Three days had gone by since we had returned.
Based on his texts, I felt like he suspected that not everything was rosy and great.
Mine were short and to the point, not because I didn’t want to pour my heart out to him, but precisely because I did.
I wanted to wrap my arms around him and unload all the guilt and shame and burden on him like I’d done all my life.
Selfish, a voice snapped at me.
And I had to admit that if there was any chance for either of us to be happy. My happiness was far less likely than his. It was as simple as this: I was only ever happy when I was with him. And being with him meant poisoning him slowly with my troubles.
Over the three days that had passed, my brothers were less present, but Dad was there to remind me of my failings.
He was there to point out that the bright and wonderful future I had been hoping for wouldn’t just be given to me.
All the work I’d put into it and I was still an unremarkable defense player with a mediocre report card in his final semester.
The only chance of being successful was for a miracle to happen.
And for a man who believed in miracles as much as my father, even he doubted I had earned one.
The odds were in favor of me getting struck by lightning sooner than landing a contract that solved all my problems.
I sat down on a bench in the park where I’d spent so much of my childhood.
Tyler wasn’t late; I was early. I’d walked out of the house after nodding to Dad’s explanation of how the real world worked and how I’d missed my chance to study hard and have a plan B if my wishful thinking amounted to nothing the way it did.
The boiling rage I felt was directed at him as much as it was for myself. All I was capable of was tucking my tail between my legs and giving my feelings to someone else to deal with. Tyler. Always Tyler. I had used him as an escape my entire life.
As I sat down and gazed at the rustling leaves on the trees around me, I wondered if Tyler and I would have been such good friends had my childhood been happier. Would I have spent so much time with him if I hadn’t been using him to feel better?
When I heard his soft footsteps in the grass, I looked over my shoulder and found his beaming smile. It was so bright and beautiful that I couldn’t help but smile back, albeit weakly.
“There he is,” Tyler said. “The missing boyfriend.”
Even though I knew we were alone here, my gaze darted around to check again. “Trust me, it’s better I was missing.”
Tyler walked over to my bench. He didn’t lean in to kiss me or even hug me. He was extra careful for my sake. And that was just another proof that I was weighing him down. “That bad?” he asked, sitting down a foot away from me.
“Um, nah,” I said. “It’s all the usual.” I’d done it again.
I was always doing it. It was like an instinct.
If I felt bad, all I had to do was tell Tyler and he would pick up the task of making things right for me.
Dad made me sad? Tyler built a pillow fort for me.
I got cheated on? Tyler swept in to be the best partner I never dared to hope for.
Silence settled between us. The cheerful greeting faded and what remained was the mutual knowledge that I had been distant. It’s for your own good, I thought, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell him that. It was too big and too final to say it immediately.
So I sat with him, pushing my left leg closer to his right, letting our knees touch.
“I miss you,” Tyler said.
My throat closed. “How’s your dad?” I whispered.
Tyler stumbled for one second, then cleared his throat and moved on as if I hadn’t just ignored his attempt at intimacy.
“Good. I don’t want to jinx it, but I think the new therapist is really helping.
He’s not restless, but he’s not drugged into being a houseplant, either.
There’s still passion in him.” Tyler talked about the miniatures his dad was building with an air of awe that I envied.
There was little I could say about my family with that tone.
Except for Eryn, who was gearing up to make her life her own without compromise and without an apology.
“I’m glad to hear it,” I said honestly. “He deserves to be happy.”
“Well,” Tyler said, hesitating. “Happy might be too strong of a word, but he’s not unhappy. There’s still a long way to go, I think.”
Again, silence returned.
I didn’t dare look into his eyes. Since the moment he had first kissed me, the way he looked at me was different.
He couldn’t control it. It was a look brimming with devotion and loyalty.
And I hoped I had given him such looks, too.
I hoped I’d made him happy for a while. I hoped it wasn’t all self-serving happiness that I had needed to feel.
“Sebastian,” Tyler said, his tone a little more urgent. It was like he was holding something deep down but it was breaking free despite his effort. Fear.
“Hm?” I frowned, looking at the space between us.
The paint was starting to peel from the wood.
This bench was old. I wondered if our carved names were still on the underside or if the wood had been replaced.
As if by instinct, my hand hooked under the bench, and I ran my fingers over the rough surface.
I couldn’t tell, of course. Not without looking.
Leaning in, Tyler dropped his voice by an octave and spoke seriously. “Whatever’s going on there, you know you can tell me.”
It felt like his words had fingers and those fingers squeezed my heart. I wanted to moan and sob and do just that. “Nothing’s going on.”
“Don’t lie to me,” Tyler said, then fell silent after his words sounded angrier than he’d apparently intended. I looked up and saw him looking away from me, biting his lower lip.
I swallowed. “We’re just talking a lot about this and that.”
“Uh-huh,” Tyler said. He refused to look at me. “And all that talking isn’t giving you some new ideas, is it?”
I turned away from him. Why did he have to know everything in such detail?
Why did he have to be so goddamn aware all the time?
It was infuriating how much he tempted me to share my troubles and cling to him.
I could do it. I could hold him close and keep him from ever finding true happiness.
I could trick him into staying with me, missing out on all the good things, and being my rock, my support system, my everything.
Was I that selfish?
I couldn’t be. Not with the guy who’d already given so much of himself for my good. I only had one way to solve this mess.
Carefully, I thought about my words and I swallowed. Rip it off quickly, I told myself. “I don’t think we should be together.”
I could hear his teeth grinding. He needed a moment before he spoke in a sour and bitter voice. “Why? Why now?”
I knew what he was asking. “It’s got nothing to do with them.
They don’t know, Tyler.” My guts twisted and felt as cold as steel.
“I just don’t think it’s the right thing for us.
” For you. I wasn’t lying, either. Not yet.
But I wouldn’t shy away from falling that low if he pushed me.
Right now, I was less of a coward than ever before and I just had to push through this one heartbeat at a time.
“Bullshit,” Tyler snapped. “You’re hiding something. I know when you’re not being open with me.”
I spun my head to face him. “Think about it. We’ve been dating girls for years.
And then, suddenly, we just — what? — discovered we could do that in-house?
” My heart sank. “It’s not good, Tyler. We’re like…
brothers.” I wanted to scream. “I think we fooled ourselves because our relationships weren’t going well. That was all.”
Tyler’s eyes were ablaze. “Do you seriously expect me to think this has nothing to do with your dad’s homophobia?” He shook his head furiously. “Where’s this coming from? Truly?”
I forced myself to keep looking into his eyes. If you stay with me, I’ll only ever hold you back. I’ll keep using you to feel good and you’ll never know what you’re missing if you stay. “Nowhere. Why does it have to come from somewhere else, Ty? I thought about it and this is how I feel.” Lies.
“I don’t believe you,” he said, his tone softer now with sadness. I figured he would be sad. But only for a little while. Then, he could be happy again. And someone who wasn’t me could make him infinitely happier than he imagined.
I pursed my lips for a moment to gather my thoughts. “It was fun fooling around, Tyler, but we can’t really be together.”
“Why?” he demanded.
Because I don’t deserve you. I’d rather see you hate me for the rest of my life and be happy with someone else. “Because I don’t want it,” I lied. “I…I need to go,” I whispered. My voice was going to give me away and ruin the whole thing. I had to get out of here. I had to get away.
Tyler brought his face closer to mine, eyeing me with anger. “Why are you letting him get to you?”
Because I’m a coward. “Because he’s right. I made all the wrong choices, Tyler. Every single one. Northwood. Hockey. Jennifer.” Do it. Just fucking say it and be done with it. “You.”
Tyler closed his eyes and pulled back from me.
That last word rang in my ears. I could see it on his beautiful face, the heartbreak.
The loss. But he didn’t know it. He didn’t know he wasn’t losing anything.
What he believed me to be was far better than who I really was.
And on the day he realized that, a part of me would die, but he would be free.
I was silent, my legs turned to stone, my hands cold, and my face bloodless.
I’m sorry, I wanted to say. I was desperate and heartbroken.
If I couldn’t get out of this quicksand, at least I could push him out of it.
What was the alternative? To keep him close and leech onto him like a vampire?
The worst of all was that I wanted to talk about this.
I wanted to tell him what it felt like to break his heart. Who else could I ever tell that to?
“I can’t believe you’re doing this,” he said.
I said nothing to that. I wished I could move my feet and get away, but I couldn’t.
They were glued to the ground. My brain controlled nothing but the tears I held back and the quiver that wanted to pass through my lips.
Those cost me more effort than I had to spare.
Somehow, I managed to whisper, “It’s better this way. ”
“And I don’t believe a word that is coming out of your mouth,” he spat, looking into my eyes with something too close to hate for my heart to bear. “Either you’re lying to me now, or you’ve been lying for months.”
The stiffness in my neck was such that a headache throbbed in the back of my skull. I deadened my eyes as best as I could, looking at him, and said nothing.
“You don’t mean it,” he said, panicky now.
God. Couldn’t he just stop? Seeing how upset I made him left me feeling two opposite things at the same time.
I felt relief that I was freeing him of this as much as I grieved that he was heartbroken.
But when my expression didn’t change, Tyler seemed to see me in a new light. His eyebrows rose. “You’re serious.”
Again, I said nothing. I could no longer trust my voice not to crack.
We had been together since we were born. We had been inseparable all our lives, and we rushed into a wild, wonderful thing without fearing the consequences. Our carelessness had cost us our friendship.
Tyler stood abruptly. “If you have nothing else to say, I think I’ll go now.”
The knot in my throat tightened so much that it hurt. Just go, I wanted to shout. Don’t look back.
The hurt he felt at my silence rippled over his face and he turned away from me. I couldn’t watch him leave, but I heard his footsteps receding, fading, disappearing far behind me.
When I was sure he was gone, I looked over my shoulder to check anyway, and then I buried my face in my hands. And I wept.