13. Nate #2
“I’m not kidding, Beck. I’ve been hiding it since I was a teen.
” I’d had to escape that crappy small town.
I’d had to see the world and become the person I had dreamed of being.
I’d always thought the rest would come naturally, but the reality of my life had been far different.
The closer I was to making my dreams come true, the lesser my chances were to have a family and be myself.
So I watched from the sidelines as men, young and old, married their partners, adopted kids and pets, and lived the life I could never have. “I’m gay.”
Beckett looked at me, the expressions shifting on his face from hurt to angry to welcoming.
He couldn’t settle on one, so he moved back and forth between them.
“Uncle Nate, I don’t…know…” He expelled a frustrated breath of air.
“I don’t know how to…” Inhaling, he held his breath now as if he was counting to ten.
When he spoke again, he pushed himself away from the island and leaned against the counter behind his back.
“Did you really think that would make a difference? To me? I’m in a serious relationship with a dude.
How did you…? You know what? You’re an asshole for thinking I would flip, which makes me flip anyway, making you right all along.
” He put his hands on his face and cleared his throat.
“Alright. First things first, I love you.”
My chin quivered. “I’m sorry I didn’t trust you.”
“That’s the second thing. Fuck you for not trusting me,” Beckett said, but his tone was not severe. It was the gentlest fuck you I’d gotten in a long time.
Despite all the mess I was in, I couldn’t restrain the chuckle that erupted from me. Relief? It felt ever so slightly like it. “The longer I hid it, the harder it was to tell you.”
Beckett looked me over and let himself smile a little. “Does Mom know?”
I shrugged. “I think she suspected, but she decided it didn’t matter.” Beckett’s mother had dropped a few hints now and again, a long time ago, that I could talk to her about anything. It had been so subtle that it might have meant anything.
“That’s Mom for you,” Beckett mused, a note of pride making me uncomfortable with myself.
He had no reason to be that proud of me, my nephew.
“Look, Uncle, I’m not angry. I’m not hurt.
I think…mostly, I’m sad. That you didn’t tell me, yeah, but also that you didn’t have the chance I did. It’s not fair.”
I shook my head. You live your life in the closet, the closet becomes your home. I didn’t know any different. “I should have trusted you and your mother, Beck. You’re my family.”
“Yeah,” Beckett said without any trace of grudge. “But I understand.” He put his hands together and rubbed them slowly. “Uh…still, being gay doesn’t cause random face punches. Not around here, at least. Or smashed guitars.”
I shuddered. If I’d thought I had done the hard part, I was mistaken.
But when I looked at Beckett, a great deal of the story was obviously already fitting into place in his head.
Inhaled a deep, painful breath of air, I told my nephew the whole wretched story.
I made him swear to never tell anyone a thing for Carter’s sake.
I told him about Carter’s flirting and the gym encounter, about the confrontations and admissions, about the night he performed in the bar where Beckett and Caden had dragged me, and about the trip to Chicago.
One after another, I admitted everything to my nephew, never finding it even a little easier to look him in the eyes as my story unfolded.
If anything, it was harder now the closer I was to the way things ended.
The hardest thing of all was poring over the fresh memories of Carter and keeping myself convinced that this was a good deal.
His future was worth more than a heartbreak.
He was young, I told myself, and he would get over it.
And me? I was getting old, older than my years, and a heartbreak I would carry for the rest of my life was fine with me.
I could do that much for him. If I felt anything good and wonderful about Carter Prince, I could carry this with me for as long as I breathed.
“Christ, Beck, but he made me feel young,” I said, rubbing the healthy side of my face and scratching the stubble. “He made me feel alive.”
Beckett was staring at me. “And you chose yourself? Your reputation?”
I closed my eyes and slouched. I hadn’t told him what I had been thinking the other night. I had only told him, in short, what had gone down.
“Let me get this straight, Uncle,” my nephew said, anger unchecked.
“You spent over two months having the greatest love affair of your life, never once thinking about the worth of your brand, and suddenly, that’s more important to you when some asshole threatens you with talking to the press?
You must be crazy if you think I’ll believe that. ”
“But it’s my name,” I growled. “And it’s your name, too.”
“Don’t you dare,” he snapped, his hands slapping against the top of the island.
“Don’t you dare tell me I’m the reason. I don’t want to be the reason, Uncle.
And it doesn’t bother me what someone might think.
All my life, I’ve been trying to be my own person, to earn things based on merit and not the fact I share your name.
So don’t tell me how it’s different now. It’s not.”
“It’s his future, then,” I all but shouted.
“If the press flocks when I lose my job, if they discover it’s all because I was sleeping with a freshman, a player on my team, do you really think they’ll leave him out of it?
Haven’t you seen how ready they are to take someone down?
When the tabloids start digging through my past, do you really think they’ll have the decency to stop there? ”
“That’s it,” Beckett said as if he scored some win, his grin spilling immediately. “That’s the truth, Uncle.”
“What is?” I asked, hands shaking even as I gripped the edge of the counter.
Beckett’s grin faded and was replaced by a gentle smile. “You love him.”
My heart leaped before crashing again.
“You love Carter, and you don’t want him to get caught in the crossfire.
I get it, Uncle, but…is that choice really yours to make?
” He frowned in thought, but his lips still curled a little at the edges.
He looked deep into my eyes when I met his gaze.
“I mean this in the most loving way possible, Uncle Nate. You are an idiot.”
The rusty cogs in my brain ground and turned. My heart fluttered. More regrets than I could face suddenly poured into my consciousness, and a sense of urgency made my stomach tingle.
Had I made a mistake?
Had I made the wrong decision?
Had I broken his heart for nothing?