14. Carter #2
Nate didn’t wince at that. Not even a little. His lower lip quivered, his eyes twinkled, and raindrops trickled from his soaked hair over his face. It didn’t worry him that he might get crucified by the tabloids.
Dad tore free of my mom’s hold and pulled the door open, grabbing Nate by the elbow. Nate, for his part, didn’t resist. If anything, I might have seen a hint of amusement on his lips as Dad dragged him toward the exit.
Nate never broke eye contact with me, and his mouth spread into a smile when I bit my lower lip, holding back a smile of my own. But Dad slammed the door in his face, and I hurried across the hall to join my love outside.
Dad pressed his back against the door, making my heart leap. He wouldn’t stop me now. He wouldn’t. “You’re not going anywhere,” he growled.
“I really am,” I said, my tone so light and casual that it must have offended him.
“Over my dead body, boy,” he said, slurring the words in anger.
“Let me out,” I demanded. My tone left no room for debate. “I need to talk to him. Let me out.”
“You need to respect your father. You need to do what you are told, or you’ll lose…”
“Enough!” Mom’s voice was far louder than either of us had expected. “Dana, enough. Let him out.”
“What the hell is wrong with you?” he hissed.
I was too stunned to speak as Mom stepped forward, putting her arm protectively around my shoulders.
To my dad, she said, “I’ve put up with you for twenty years.
I let you do whatever the hell you want to do.
I looked away from every girl you slept with.
I said nothing when you couldn’t even bother to hide it.
I washed their perfumes out of your shirts.
And I pretended I didn’t know what the powder you left in the closet under your folded pants was.
But I’m not going to let you do this, Dana.
I’m not going to stand silently while you ruin our boy’s life.
” Her voice quivered for only a moment. She had an inexhaustible strength stashed somewhere deep within her.
When she spoke again, her voice was as peaceful as dying in your sleep.
“Let him go, or I will leave you. I swear to God, I will.”
Dad gaped at her, then turned his furious gaze to me.
Mom kissed my cheek and whispered into my ear. “Go, baby.”
I mouthed thank you before taking a step toward the door.
“I could have protected you,” Dad said in a harsh whisper, stepping away from the door but standing in my path. “If you walk out, Carter, you’ll never be able to come back to me.”
I looked into his eyes and discovered that all the love I’d once had for the man I thought I knew was gone. It had been misplaced. “What you did to us all makes this the easiest choice I ever had to make.”
“You’ll regret it,” Dana warned me.
“And he can come to my house whenever he damn pleases, Dana,” Mom squeezed through clenched teeth.
With another glance over my shoulder, I blinked at Mom, hoping she understood my gratitude. It was impossible to put it into words. And it was impossible to wait with this feeling rocking my chest. I reached for the door and stepped out into the pouring rain.
Nate was a few paces away from the door, cold rain pelting his head and shoulders, hands in the pockets of his coat, eyebrows knitted to protect his eyes from the trickling raindrops. “You got out,” he said over the faraway rumble of thunder and the murmur of rain on the ground.
The light above the front door suddenly went out, and I laughed out loud. That was my father’s consolation prize, turning the lights off as if Nate’s heart wasn’t a glowing beacon, a lighthouse in stormy waters guiding my way.
Even Nate’s lips stretched into a little smile at that.
I took a couple of steps toward him, pausing before we were too close.
The crack that had split my heart seemed to tear wider now that I faced him.
The pain felt fresher, the disappointment more bitter.
I looked at him and decided this couldn’t be easy for either of us.
Not if it was real. So I grabbed my feelings with all my strength, and I shoved them deep into the abyss where my soul had once been.
I would find them later if I had any need for them.
“You hurt me,” I said bluntly over the rain, glad that my face was already wet so he couldn’t see the tears when they rolled down my cheeks.
Nate pulled his hands out of his pockets. He spread his arms bravely as if he was getting ready for a firing squad. “I did.”
“Why?” I demanded, the embers in me fanned by my desire to hear the right answer, kindling and growing into flames. “Why did you do it?”
Nate stepped closer, but I didn’t move. “Quite simply, because I’m a fool, Carter.”
“I know that.” You are my fool, Nate. You were always supposed to be my fool.
“I thought I was protecting you,” he said loudly as the wind sent chills into my bones and a stronger wave of rain came down on us. “I thought that keeping you safe was more important. I thought…” He shook his head, aware that he was inexcusable. “I thought the choice was mine.”
Good, I thought but pressed the lid on my feelings harder. They battered against it like furies from hell, wanting to get out at any cost, wanting to go to him. “And now?”
Nate took the last step toward me and looked into my eyes.
The heartbroken expression on his face convinced me that he could tell the difference between rain and tears on my cheeks.
“And now I want you to forgive me, Carter. I came to beg if that’s what you want.
I know…I know you don’t have a reason to trust anything I say.
I would swear on your roller skates and your guitar’s rainbow strap and on every kiss you gave me that made me feel like life was worth living, but that won’t erase what I did. ”
It will do something better, I thought eagerly. It will break the bonds I put around my love for you.
His arms moved toward me, but he didn’t touch me. Not yet. I could see the effort with which he was holding back. “The truth is really simple, Carter. I love you. I love you so much that it scares me. And to think that loving you could cause harm to you is worse than death.”