18. Soulful Hurtz #3
I didn’t ask her questions because she was grown as hell.
I was already blaming myself for everything.
I got so caught up in hustling and trying to provide that I didn’t pay closer attention.
I felt overwhelmed and out of control of what was probably going on.
After praying again, a thought popped up in my head.
When my mom would disappear for days and I would get worried for her, I would go searching for her at a particular park.
Senseta Park had nothing but junkies and homeless people.
It was located on the outside of the projects.
Up and coming dope boys would hang out there and make the most money because junkies kept coming up to them to get high.
Their crack was stepped on a million times making the junkies want more and more product.
Junkies would run out of money and perform sinful acts like stealing from their loved ones and even pimping out their fucking kids to the perverted dope boys just to get high for ten minutes.
I didn’t want to go to Senseta because I knew if I went there and saw my sister in such a fucked-up environment.
I would never be able to forgive my mom.
I pulled right into the parks parking lot and grabbed my gun from the glove compartment.
Trash littered the grass the air smelled like drugs, piss, and shit.
I started from the front of the park and worked my way through.
Checking the park restrooms, I came up empty handed.
Feeling hopeless I turned to walk back to my car until I heard a loud scream.
That scream belonged to Passion. It was the same scream she had when she saw a rat during wintertime in our apartment.
It was so dark that the only light that helped my vision was the streetlights.
Pulling up my jeans, I picked my pace up until I reached the park’s gym.
I could hear a bunch of talking and laughing followed by my sister crying.
My adrenaline was on a hundred as I pulled my gun from my waist. Making my way to the back of the gym, I ran to my sister that was being held down by two fiends and snatched her up while pointing my gun.
“Their hurting her Soulful! She’s dead! Mommy is dead!” She held onto my neck so tight it felt like she was choking me. I stood tall with her and pushed a couple of fiends out my way so I could see what their attention was on.
My eyes had to be deceiving me, my heart instantly broke for the second time out of my life as I watched my mother’s limp body get pounded from the back.
The dope boy held the top of her forehead as he thrusted in and out of her, the grunting noises had me nauseated.
I couldn’t think straight as I picked my gun up and blew his fucking brains out.
Passion screamed again, bringing me back to reality as all the fiends scattered away like roaches.
My mom laid on the concrete looking lifeless as Passion cried her little heart out in my arms. Just within two hours, I caught another body.
Only this time, I didn’t give a fuck about the body I just dropped.
I placed Passion to her feet and checked my moms for a pulse.
Once I felt one, I picked her up and carried her to my car.
After tonight, I didn’t want shit to do with her.
I planned on taking my sisters far the fuck away and providing for them the best way I knew how.
I couldn’t focus on school or Jocelyn; I was here to grind hard and provide for my sisters.
I couldn’t be wishing on a fucking star trying to pray for my momma to get clean, when she constantly made stupid ass decisions like the choice she made tonight.
Once I got Passion and my mom in the car, I stopped by a pay phone to call Jocelyn.
I needed her to bring Luv on the next block so I could take her to the address that Big B provided.
I didn’t want to take the chances of hitting the projects and running into the police when I still didn’t have a drivers license.
“You, okay?” Jocelyn asked me as she tried to search my eyes. I struggled with looking into her beautiful eyes because I knew that I was about to hurt her. It was never my intentions to do so though.
“Yea, I’m straight. Thanks for looking out for Luv.” I looked back at the car and could still see my mom knocked out. Passion had a haunted look in her eyes that pained my soul.
“I still can come with you; my mom is gone with her boo for the weekend.” She smiled and placed her hand on my arm.
It amazed me how calm she was after she heard and saw what went on back at my house.
Then again if you lived in the projects, you became immune to certain shit.
Like niggas robbing you and watching a few bodies drop around you.
Jocelyn’s brother was a hitta so she knew how shit went.
“Nah, but listened Jah, you free to move on. I got some heavy shit I’m dealing with and you probably ain’t gone see a nigga for a while.
” She shook her head no and I let out a breath that I had been holding.
Licking my dry lips, all I could see was the bodies I dropped tonight.
Just like that, I forgot all about the good time I had with Jocelyn.
I forgot about how she calmed me and felt good to my soul.
“Let me be there for you Soulful, please?” I wanted to say yes but I couldn’t put that type of burden on her.
I stepped back, preparing to turn away from her.
I had been standing here to long and my mom needed medical attention.
I didn’t know what tomorrow would be like or how things would be with Queen and I since Clapback was now on her deathbed.
Although I had every right to shoot her sister, that was still her flesh and blood.
I knew the great measures that I would take for my little sisters right or wrong.
I could only hope that I still had a chance to be on Queen’s team.
“I got to go Jah.” I turned to walk away, and she grabbed my hand, pulling me to her she grabbed a hold of my shirt and tried to pull me closer to her.
She stood on her tippy toes struggling to reach my lips.
I finally gave in and moved down to her lips and kissed her passionately before releasing her.
She had tears welled up in her eyes and I had tears pouring from my soul.
I often wondered why my life was so fucked up.
Every time shit looked up to a nigga some bad shit had to happen that would pull me back down into that deep depression that I had to fight with just to stay sane for my sisters that fully depended on me.
“Promise me that you will come and see about me, when you straight. If you ever need me Soulful, I will be right here for you.” I nodded my head and turned to walk away from her.
Each step that I took felt heavier than the last. I got in the car and embraced the silence.
I drove twenty miles to a good hospital and carried my mom in through the entrance.
I laid her down in the chair and took a good long look at her.
Backhanding the tears that had fallen down my face, I barely could recognize her.
I saw her in the light and got mad all over again.
She had knots all over her forehead and her lips were swollen as well.
It looked like her nose was broken; her brown body had bruises all over.
The purple maxi dress she had on was ripped and exposing some of her lady parts.
Niggas had violated my momma bad but not how she violated Passion by putting her in that predicament.
Yelling out for the concierge to come help her and send my momma a doctor.
I walked out of the hospital with blurry eyes and a heavy heart.
I remembered what Jocelyn told me and agreed a hundred percent.
My mom knew what she was doing naming me Soulful Hurtz.
I had a permanent feeling of hurt embedded inside of me.
I didn’t see that shit going away no time soon.