Chapter 30
Amy
My heart is pounding as I read Tristan’s text. Will I be ready to talk to him in an hour? He took four damn hours to respond to my simple request. He usually texts me back instantaneously.
Naturally, he’s angry. After his talk with Cody, he now knows exactly how devious I am. He might even hate me. The sole reason he agreed to meet this evening might be to give himself the opportunity to tell me how he really feels.
I deserve it, and after all the cruelty I’ve inflicted on him, he deserves to hear the truth.
That I think I might love him, and he hurt me deeply.
As I type out a response and press send, my skin burns with anxiety. There’s no going back now.
Me: I’ll come to your frat house. See you in an hour.
"Amy." Serena's voice makes me jump.
She just spent the last twenty minutes pacing in the courtyard as she talked to Nick.
I could see her from the window, and my stomach churned.
I hadn’t received Tristan’s text yet, and I knew her conversation with Nick was about him.
“Tristan” was the one word I could make out from up here, and she said it several times.
Maybe Tristan had debated with Nick whether it was worth meeting up with me at all. Nick, of course, would have spoken on my behalf, if only to please Serena.
I tap my fingers rapidly against my thigh. "What’s going on?"
She sucks in her lips, her eyes growing unfocused as if she's figuring out what to say. The suspense is agony to my exhausted brain.
"Nick talked to Tristan. I guess he figured out a way to let you win the scholarship even though you dropped out. But you have to show up to the closing ceremony."
A buzzing sounds in my ear. What the fuck? Why would he give me the scholarship after all I’ve done?
I can’t accept it, as enticing as it sounds. Reducing the size of my student loan debt would mean less years having to grind and hustle to pay it off. It would mean more writing time, or maybe even launching a freelance writing career before I reach middle age.
But I don’t deserve the game’s big prize after what I did to Tristan, and I can’t be the only person at this university who lacks a trust fund. Serena has told me that her parents are well off, but what about the other girls?
Serena plops down on the bed next to me. "Tristan said you can have the admin office confirm it for you if you don't believe him."
I draw in a deep, shuddering breath. I want to throw myself down on this bed and sleep for the next two days until this is all finally over.
"Do you think you can make it to the ceremony?" she asks.
"Yes,” I say, because I owe it to Tristan. “But I’m not going to accept the scholarship.”
Serena scowls. “Why the hell would you turn it down? That was the whole reason you stayed in the game in the first place.”
I huff out a humorless laugh. “No, it wasn’t. Maybe I told myself it was. If I were unemotional and pragmatic, it would have been. But we both know the main reason I participated in this game was all about Tristan and proving myself to him.”
She crosses her arms over her chest. “I know you’re feeling bad about yourself because of that traitor Cody—”
When I burst into laughter, Serena’s lips quirk. She didn’t take the news about Cody’s betrayal as tranquilly as I did, and her unwavering loyalty is a balm after possibly losing one of my closest friendships.
The thing is, I don’t even consider what Cody did a betrayal. Tristan deserved the truth. At least one of us had the decency to give it to him.
“Sorry,” she says. “That was insensitive. I know you’re sad about Cody.”
I reach out and grab her hand. “Don’t be. It feels good to laugh.”
She purses her lips, her eyes darting to the side. "Are you sure? There’s no reason for you to go to the closing ceremony if you’re determined to turn down the scholarship…”
Her voice is so gentle and coddling that my cheeks heat. I'm not a damn baby.
"No," I say. "It’ll be good for me. The fact that it’s the last thing in the world I want to do means I should push myself to do it. I’m trying to be braver. Besides," I force a smile, "you'll be there. Even if you're standing up with the girls, I'll feel better just being able to see you."
"You think I'm going to let you sit alone?” Serena scoffs, shaking her head. "I'll be sitting in the stands with you."
The words wrap around me like a warm blanket, even though I can't let her do it. "The director will have a fit."
She places her hands on her hips. "Let him. The school is exploiting us, anyway. You know they make way more from their YouTube channel and sponsorships than ten K. And what kind of academic institution holds a reality show competition?"
"I always found the game so cringe. I can't believe I was in it this year."
"In it?" She grins. "You were the star of the season. You'll be a Pacific Crest legend for years to come."
Just as I'm about to reply, there's a knock on Serena's door. It opens a crack, and the squeak of the hinges resonate through the room.
"Is Amy here?"
The trembling voice sends a chill down my spine.
Harper.
Serena walks to the door and peaks outside. She straightens her back and crosses her arms over her chest. “I don't think she wants to see you.”
I smile. She’s my mother hen.
"No, it's okay," I say. Something about the sound of Harper's voice calls to old memories. I had many apologies from her over the years after she lashed out at me over her own hurt feelings. She always sounded the same. I’m too curious about why she's here to protect myself. Besides, I'm done hiding from pain.
Serena gestures for Harper to come inside, but she doesn't look happy about it. "Do you want me to leave for a bit?"
"No," I say firmly. "I'd actually rather you were here."
Serena's smile eases the tension in my body. Her protectiveness warms me. Because of my stupid biases about beautiful and popular people, I never would have given a girl like her a chance to be my friend had we not been thrown together in the competition. I would have never come to know her.
This is the result of really living. Guarding my heart for all those years didn't do me any good.
Harper steps into the room. "Can we talk alone? I'd feel better…" Her red-rimmed eyes flicker to Serena's face, and she sighs. "Never mind."
She takes a deep breath, and the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. She's here to confess something.
"Amy, I did something really bad." Harper's voice quivers. "What I said about Tristan and me… It was a lie."
A stone settles in my stomach, heavy and cold. I blink hard, my thoughts scrambling. There’s only one thing she could have lied about.
"The picture?" I ask.
She flinches. "I was in his room studying. I took that picture just so that I could show it to you."
Serena huffs out a humorless laugh. "Diabolical. You underestimated her, Amy.”
My palms grow cold and wet. Oh God, this is bad. Did I really go through with my own diabolical plan to take Tristan down when he never deserved it in the first place?
This is so much worse than I thought. Even after giving up the idea that he was out to humiliate me, at least I could tell myself that it didn’t really matter. He’s just a fuckboy. Someone who slept with Harper because I meant so little to him. Because he doesn’t take things like sex seriously.
I place my cold hands on my burning cheeks, and my heart pounds against my throat. How will I ever face him?
Harper whimpers. “It was…wrong. Probably the worst thing I’ve ever done. I don't know why I did it. I was really…flailing."
The room spins. "I don't know if I believe you."
But I do. Everything makes so much more sense now. I really was precious to him.
I choke back a whimper.
“You think I'd come here and—” Harper’s lips tremble "—humiliate myself for the hell of it?”
No. Not if she’s still the Harper I know. Only dire circumstances would make her sacrifice her pride, like losing someone she loves.
“Did Tristan make you come here and tell me?” I ask.
Her jaw clenches. "Yes. He’s furious. He told me…” She flinches. “He told me he really cares about you.”
A torrent of shame and self-recrimination rushes through me, making me nauseated. Why did I believe her lie so readily when she’s never done anything to make amends for humiliating me in the quad, unlike Tristan? Why was I so eager to incriminate him?
Because he holds so much power over me, and I was trying to protect my cowardly heart, yet again.
“Did he really…” The hopefulness in my voice makes me want to wince, but there’s no reasoning away this fluttering in my heart.
I am hopeful. If Tristan forced her to come here—if he really told her he cares about me—maybe the situation isn’t quite as dire as I thought.
“Were those his exact words? That he cares about me?”
When Harper’s eyes flash with anger, I have my answer. He did tell her he cares, and she didn’t like it.
She crosses her arms over her chest. “No, those weren’t his exact words. But it’s the impression I got.”
If her “impression” was enough to invoke what seems to be jealousy, it’s enough for me.
There’s hope.
I take a deep breath, trying to calm my frantic pulse. “Well, you’ve done your duty to Tristan. There’s nothing more for you to say.”
She jerks back as if I struck her. Did she really think that confessing her treachery would lead to a drawn-out heart-to-heart?
“That’s it?” she asks, her eyes filling with a silent plea. "You don’t want to hear my apology?”
Serena snorts, and I can't help but smile. If I'd had a friend like Serena in high school, I might have seen the flaws in my friendship with Harper. I might have been better prepared for its eventual demise.
Everything had centered on her feelings. Her needs. Even when she messed up, I was the one tasked to making her feel better. Like she wants me to do right now. Her eyes are begging me to take away her pain, and I refuse to do it.