Chapter 19 #3
“I’ve thought about different things that might be possible, of course, in the right circumstance.
But it’s difficult to predict without knowing what the rest of my life is going to look like.
It’s easy to make decisions for myself, but I’d like to think that maybe I won’t be making them alone,” he said, grabbing a napkin from the container on the table to catch a drip on the side of the cup. “I mean, theoretically.”
“Oh. Right.” She nodded, chewing. “So, you’re leaving the door open, in a way.”
“Don’t get me wrong, I am not overly focused on…” He trailed off, suddenly wishing he had not gone down this road.
“Finding someone,” she added for him.
“Right. It’s not a main concern of mine. I could totally not think about it, at all.” He shook his head, leaning back from the table. “Or I could. It’s not a big deal.”
“Andrea.” She smiled. “I’m not so utterly biased by my work to think it’s not OK to want to be with someone.”
“Right. It’s just something in the back of my mind.”
“Of course.”
“What about you? No other plans after Zurich?”
“I assume that once I am done with this project, I will have enough material for a book. I’ve never written one before, but I’m naive enough to want to try.
I think the findings are going to be something that people should know about.
That’s assuming someone will want to pay me to write about how we can all better manage the disintegration of social structures in the future.
As you pointed out, most people do not find it the most positive of topics,” she said, licking a bit of ice cream off her spoon.
“Aside from that, I haven’t really thought about it. ”
“At all?”
“Not beyond the next three years,” she said.
“I know it probably sounds like I’m being careless, but I want to leave options open.
I don’t have any family. At this point, I don’t have any specific geographic location that I feel a connection to.
And I don’t have any other context to set myself in.
For me, this postdoc is a goal, and when that’s done, there will hopefully be some other amazing opportunity that I can’t say no to,” she said, scooping up the last bite.
“So, you are keeping the door open too, though in a different way.”
“I’m not saying that I am against the idea of settling down somewhere. With someone. At some point. It’s just not a priority yet.” She looked down as she said the last part, which somehow made him feel like he’d avoided a direct hit.
“Do you want to go down to the beach? We may as well since we’re here,” he said, standing up. He’d lost interest in the rest of the ice cream and threw the cup in the trash.
“Andrea—” She stopped him with her fingers resting on his arm. “Don’t think I take this lightly—whatever this is between us. This has been really special. I didn’t expect that anything like this would happen.”
“Neither did I,” he said. Her hand landed in his, and he led her over to the stairway.
“If things were different,” she said, pulling slightly on his hand to lead him away from the stairway. Her eyes flicked up to his, the look sending up flares in his gut.
“Lora, we both know what this is,” he said, still holding her hand. “And that’s going to have to be OK.” It wasn’t a lie, but out there on a summer night with the feeling of her body still on his skin, it was getting pretty close to one.
She nodded.
“After you, again,” he said, gesturing down the stairs.
“I feel like we’re descending into the center of the earth,” she said, stepping down ahead of him.
“It does feel like that.” They stepped down and down again, until they finally reached the base of the stairway.
The “beach” was a pebbled cove surrounded on three sides by the cliff face and walls of stone.
Looking back up, it did feel like being at the bottom of a well.
They walked toward the shoreline, where the tranquil water rolled over the pebbles and formed bubbles as it pulled back out to the sea.
The sound was hypnotizing. The moon reflected white light across the water, drawing a line directly to them.
She turned to face him, reached out, linking their little fingers, then touched her lips to his.
Her mouth was still fior di latte and he was melting into it.
Andrea knew that no matter how many times he had come here on his own, from now on, he would always think of being here with her.
“I think we should get back,” he said, pulling away. He glanced up at the stairway. “We’ve got a long climb out of here.”
“OK.” She nodded, a crease between her eyebrows.
It would be so easy to assure her that there was nothing wrong.
He could tell her that it was totally fine to spend casual time together while she waited out the weeks here.
He could smile and talk about the moonlight and joke with her about noodle soup.
But he’d made a promise to himself to never lie to her and therefore kept his mouth shut, ascending the stairs steadily, not pausing once, eager to get back to the top.