Chapter Seventeen #2
Tears spring into the corners of my vision as I text him back. I bet she’d hate me if she ever found out I’m…
I stop just short of typing out that word, “pansexual,” and hit send.
Julien:
You don’t have to tell her until you’re ready Lucy
Lucy:
What if I’m never ready?
Julien:
That is ok too. I am here for you
I know, I type back, smiling through the salt water trickling down my face. Good night. Thanks for listening
Julien:
Always
I put my phone aside and lie back in bed, thinking.
I’ve come to terms with my sexuality, but as much as I respect Dad and Julien for owning their truths, I doubt I could ever truly do it.
It would change how people see me. How Mom sees me.
It might even affect my relationship with Sushant, make our New York plans go awry.
No. Coming out is not an option. Not right now, and maybe not ever.
Meera
I look around my backyard, arms folded, appraising the space. Next to me, Sushant stands tall, with his calloused fingers stroking his chin. “I think this should work,” he says. “It’ll be a little cramped, but you definitely can’t do a Holi party indoors.”
“Yeah.” I walk over to the fence that separates our backyards. “We could put a table here with the supplies. Colored powder, water balloons, hoses. And on that end”—I point to the other side—“we could keep the drinks and maybe some snacks?”
It still blows my mind that Sushant offered, unprompted, to help me plan my Holi birthday party when I told him about it earlier this week.
Appa and Dad were surprisingly cool about it, with the caveat that it has to be a daytime event with no alcohol, of course.
I doubt people from school will stop by if there’s no alcohol involved, but I’ve invited everyone I know on a first-name basis anyway.
Worst-case scenario, it’s just me, Ron, Valeria, and Sushant drinking thandai, the special Holi cold drink made of milk, sugar, rose, spices, and nuts.
Which is still better than not having a birthday party at all.
“Sounds good,” Sushant agrees. He has a weird grin on his face as he asks, “And what will the drinks be?”
Groaning, I explain the no-alcohol rule to him, then add, “Dad looked up a recipe for dairy-free thandai since half this town is vegan.”
“Thandai, huh?” He leans closer to me and whispers conspiratorially, “Care to crank it up a notch?”
My eyebrows rise a fraction. “Um, how so?”
He takes out his phone and shows me a photo of what looks like…pot? I can’t be too sure. Recreational marijuana has never been my thing. What does pot have to do with my party, though?
And then it clicks. I stare at him, my lips widening in a smile. “You don’t mean—”
“Bhaang, baby!” Sushant yells, then whips his head to my back door, his eyes wide. “Hope your folks didn’t hear that.”
I sit on one of the two chairs in the backyard, still grinning. “Don’t worry, they aren’t home. But Appa will kill me if he finds out. We’re underage.”
Bhaang is basically the marijuana version of thandai.
You add the paste of cannabis seeds and leaves to the drink, and bam!
Your Holi party becomes ten times more fun.
I’ve grown up watching Indians drink bhaang in Bollywood Holi scenes, but pulling it off with potentially so many people in attendance is going to be difficult. And…possibly illegal?
Sushant sits down on the chair beside me and nudges my toe with his foot. “Then it’ll have to be a secret.”
I expect myself to break out into goose bumps like I usually do as I return the gesture. The boy I like is being playful with me. Dare I say flirty? No, he has a girlfriend. He wouldn’t intentionally flirt with me, not just yet. But I’m his confidante, his co-conspirator. And he’s touching me.
But I only sense his touch on my skin. My heart doesn’t race. My skin doesn’t heat up. And I feel nothing more than excitement for the party and the bhaang plan.
Weird.
“So, how are things with Lucy?” I ask, though I don’t know if he’ll open up. Last time I tried prying, he told me it was personal. But that was long before we became confidants.
“Uh, good,” Sushant answers. He fiddles with his fingers, his face darkening. “I’m not worried about Julien anymore, but things have been hard since Lucy got wait-listed.”
I try to pry a little more. “Are you scared you won’t go to college together?”
“Honestly? A little. But I love that girl, and she loves me.” He smiles hesitantly. “I’m hoping our love will be enough to get through anything, even long-distance.”
I lick my suddenly dry lips. I’ve hit all stages of the Plan except the last one: Break them up. And with the way he’s talking about their relationship, it’ll take something drastic to make that happen. Fuck.
We talk about our favorite Bollywood Holi scenes until my phone chimes.
It’s my group chat with Ron and Valeria.
I ignore the notification, then unlock my phone again, deciding I might as well read it.
Apart from hanging out with them in school, I haven’t really spent much time with them.
The Plan has kept me busier than I’d thought.
Ron:
Meera I don’t care what you’re doing. Get your ass to your front door
Valeria:
SPONTANEOUS MOVIE MARATHON!!! You pick
Sighing, I stand up. They’re trying to stick around, even though I’ve been an avoidant friend occupied with her own thing. I should be grateful, not just guilty. “Well, my friends are here.”
“You seem upset about that.” Sushant quirks a brow. “Why?”
I wave away his concerns. “Nah, I’m just tired. See you in school?”
“Cool.”
I lead the way back inside, since our fences are too high for Sushant to go back that way. As he fist-bumps me goodbye on the porch, Ron and Valeria walk up to us. “Hey,” Ron says warily, while Valeria blinks in surprise.
Sushant leaves, whistling the tune to a Bollywood song. Once he’s out of sight, Ron scratches the side of his nose and says, “Uh, I didn’t realize he’s started hanging out with you at your place.”
I push open the front door and nudge my head back inside, but they stay rooted in place. So I put my hands in my pockets and shrug. “He was just helping me organize the Holi party.”
“Huh,” Valeria snorts, her arms folded. “The party you told us you don’t need help organizing?”
Shit, she’s right. That’s what I told them in school earlier this week. “I’m just making sure the Plan is still on track,” I explain hastily. “There’s not much time to go before we graduate.”
“Cool.” Ron looks down at his feet. “Are we still on for the movie marathon, or…?”
“Of course,” I say. My eyes go to Valeria, who looks close to tears. With a jolt, I realize I don’t know anything about what they’ve been up to lately. How they’re feeling. How they’re doing. “How about Val gets to pick?”
A small smile graces her lips. “All right. Get ready to watch that shirtless Shah Rukh Khan movie for the hundredth time.” She walks past me inside the house. Ron follows, grumbling about the movie selection, but his shoulders have loosened.
They put on Netflix while I microwave some buttered popcorn. As I wait, my phone lights up with a text. It’s from Sushant. Told my boys on the football team about the bhaang and they’re IN! PARTY TIME YEAHHHHH
“The movie’s starting!” Valeria yells from the living room.
I slide my phone into my back pocket and carry the two bowls of popcorn to the couch.
My fingers itch to reply to Sushant, but I know my only priority right now should be my friends.
Things feel iffy between us, but hopefully the Holi party—and the bhaang—cools us all off. Three more days. I can’t wait.