Chapter Eighteen #2
I don’t want to listen to this conversation.
I head into the backyard, sit on the swing, and cry in silence, staring up at the blue sky and bright yellow sunshine through my tears.
One crow caws in the distance while others flap their wings and take off in flight.
I almost mistake the chiming of my email inbox for birdsong.
Then I snap to my senses and open the email.
My hands shake. Oh my God. It’s from UCLA.
Dear Lucy,
Congratulations! It is our great pleasure to offer you…
Wait. What? I skim through the rest of the email, then let my eyes rest on that first sentence again.
I got in. I got in. I got in! Relief floods through my veins—at least I got an acceptance from somewhere—but my pulse thrums with the reminder that I still haven’t heard from NYU.
That Sushant is still going to Syracuse in the fall.
That if I don’t go too, our relationship might end.
The look on his face from last night flashes before my eyes. He’s scared for us…and so am I.
Focus on the present moment, Lucy, I remind myself. I wipe my eyes and read through the entire email again, then text Natalie, Sushant, and Julien. Just got my acceptance email from UCLA!!!
I’m tempted to head inside to tell Mom too, but she’s probably still talking to Annie Something and being bigoted. I gulp, then call Dad. The line rings for a few seconds before he picks up. “Hello? Lucy?”
“Hey, Dad,” I say. There’s a buzzing of people and phones ringing in the background. He must be at his company’s local office here in town. “Are you free to talk?”
“Give me a moment.” A door closes, and then his voice grows louder. “How are you?”
“I got into UCLA.”
For a moment, Dad is silent, like the words are still sinking in. Then he exclaims, “Lucy, that’s incredible! You’d be so close to Jade and me! I don’t believe this!”
“Dad—”
“We have to celebrate. Why don’t you visit LA over spring break? Jade and I can show you around. They’ve already made a list of places they want to take—”
“Dad,” I repeat, louder this time. “I’m still waiting to hear from NYU.”
Dad exhales. “I get that NYU is your dream college. But UCLA is a great school too. It’s close to home. To both your mom and me.”
I bite the side of my nail. “I might take a gap year and move to New York anyway. Sushant and I love each other, and—”
“He’s a great boy,” Dad agrees. “But I hope you’ll consider all the factors before deciding something that could impact your entire future—”
My phone buzzes. Natalie’s calling me. My shoulders sink in relief, and I tell Dad I’ll talk to him later. As soon as I answer her call, Natalie’s excited shriek nearly ruptures my eardrums. “Lucy! I’m so proud of you! How are you feeling?”
“I don’t know.” I grip the chain handle of the swing with one hand, resting my head against it. “Bittersweet?”
“I get that.” Natalie exhales. “How did Sushant react?”
My eyes water. She knows me so well. Our friendship might have started off as a lie, at least on my end, but she’s become a true friend through and through. “He hasn’t replied yet. But Dad’s happy for me.”
“Your dad is really trying to make up for lost time, isn’t he?”
“He is.” I raise my gaze to the blue sky. “Maybe I need to leave the past behind. You only get one dad, after all.”
Natalie chuckles. “Unless you’re Meera. Hey, are you going to her birthday party?”
I smile. Meera’s invited half the school, and given how successful the book club—and the café—has become, I’m guessing her backyard’s going to be packed. “I’ll be there,” I finally answer. “Sushant’s helping her plan it, and she and I are kind of…reconnecting? And I don’t totally hate it.”
“I’m happy to hear that.” I can hear the joy in Natalie’s voice. “Calling a truce is way more important than whatever went down between you two.”
“Yeah, I—” I pause to look at a new text message from Sushant. Woohoo congrats babe! Any word from NYU? “I need to talk to Sushant now,” I mumble into the phone. “He just texted me.”
Natalie exhales. “Good luck.”
I hang up and press the phone to my heart.
Sushant already turned down the Berkeley scholarship and accepted Syracuse’s offer, so there’s no chance he can go to school in California.
If I don’t get into NYU…would we be able to make long-distance work?
Dad’s words run through my mind. He wants me to be closer to home and go to college somewhere, even if it isn’t in New York.
But New York would also mean distance from Madre Maria, which is what I’ve always wanted, and the possibility of a new life with the boy I love.
I could get my foot in the door with publishing somehow, network my way up the ladder.
But wouldn’t it be easier to study English at UCLA and move to New York with more skills on my résumé than just waitressing and babysitting during my gap year? To save money and give myself the gift of more time to plan?
My phone alerts me to another text from Sushant. Free to talk now?
Gulping, I call him, ignoring the thumping of my heartbeat.
“Congrats, babe!” is the first thing he says when he picks up the phone, genuine pride in his voice. “They’d be lucky to have you.”
I curl one hand around the cold metal chain of the swing and force myself to smile. “Thanks. And, um, about NYU…no updates yet.”
Sushant chuckles softly. “You’ll get in, I just know it. You’re perfect, after all.”
What did I do to deserve this wonderful boy? I look down at my flip-flops and try to swallow back my anxious thoughts, but they slip out in a whisper anyway. “What if I don’t get in?”
There’s silence on the other end for barely two seconds before Sushant says, his voice shaky, “Uh, I’m sure it’ll be fine. We’ll figure it out when we have to.”
“Okay,” I mumble, rubbing my temples. “Anyway, what are you up to?”
“Funny you should ask,” Sushant says, clearing his throat. “My folks are gonna be out for a few hours. Do you wanna come over and watch a movie?”
My stomach squirms as my mind recounts the last time we were alone in his room.
I know Sushant doesn’t mean it like a booty call and he would never rush me, but what if I feel ready for it in the moment, things do end up progressing, and then my panic attacks get the best of me once more? No. Not…not today.
“Babe?” Sushant asks.
“I—” A kitchen cabinet opens inside the house, and I look up to see movement near the counter. Mom must have finished her client call. “I’d better go tell Mom the good news,” I say, then add, “I love you.”
“Right. Yeah. Love you too,” he says before hanging up, and for the first time in our entire relationship, those words sound the slightest bit emotionless.