Chapter Twenty
“sometimes”
by Chelsea Cutler
Lucy
I don’t speak the entire ride back until Sushant slows the car to a halt outside my house. It’s only then that I undo my seat belt, mumble a “bye” to my boyfriend, and get out of his car.
“Lucy, wait. What’s up?” Sushant scrambles to get closer to me.
I’m seconds away from slamming the front door in his face, but he squeezes into my living room before I can do that.
“What’s wrong?” he asks, his lips turning downward.
It’s a cute look on him. If I could stop replaying his interactions with Meera at the party in my head, I’d kiss him.
Instead, I glare at him, arms folded. “You ignored me the entire party, and now you’re mad I’m doing the same to you?”
He runs a hand through his hair. “I wasn’t ignoring you on purpose. It was Meera’s birthday, so I thought I’d hang out with her—”
“You could have included me.” My voice is borderline pleading. “But every time I tried to get close to you, you walked away.”
Sushant doesn’t have an excuse, evidently, because he hangs his head low. “I’m sorry. I might have gotten a little carried away with the bhaang, the music, and wanting to have some fun. I’m just so anxious about everything between us that I needed a break from it all.”
Thud. Thud. Thud. My heartbeat pounds in my ears. “You—you needed a break from us?” I say, my voice a loud whisper. “Like an actual let’s-not-be-with-each-other break?”
“No! God, no, just from the situation—” he starts when my email pings with a notification.
I open the Gmail app, and my pulse only grows more erratic. “Shit. It’s from NYU.”
Sushant sucks in a breath. “Oh,” he says.
“Should I…should I open it?” I hate the way my voice cracks at the end of that question, the way it’s trembling—no, it’s not just my voice. My whole body is shaking.
Sushant notices. He puts his arms around my waist and pecks the top of my head. “Want me to read it for you?”
I nod silently, give him the phone, and step away, rubbing the sides of my arms. Goose bumps sprout along my skin, so I force myself to look away from Sushant as he taps on the screen.
A few seconds of silence later, I raise my face. My stomach turns. Sushant’s breathing is unsteady, his chest rising and falling as he stares at my phone. There’s no sign of a smile on his face. Not even in his eyes.
“Sushant?” I ask.
He hands me the phone and envelops me in a hug. “I’m sorry,” he says.
I hug him back, my eyes welling up, and skim through the email. Words like “it is with regret” and “unable to offer you admission to NYU” jump out at me right away. I hold back a sob and pull away from my boyfriend. “What now?” I ask.
Sushant hangs his head, putting his hands in the pockets of his jeans. “I don’t know.”
“Do we…?” My unspoken words hang in the air. Do we try long-distance across three thousand miles, or do we break up?
He exhales. Wiping the side of his face, caked with colors, he says, “I don’t want to lose you, Lucy. You’ve been my person for so long, I—” He claps a hand to his mouth and spins around. Maybe he doesn’t want me to see him cry.
I curl my fingers around his bicep and pull him toward me again. “I don’t want us to end, either,” I say. “But there’s so much distance between New York and LA—”
“It’s not just that.” He shrugs. “I love you, but I feel like you’ve been pulling away from me on purpose. Like that day at my place or this morning, when you barely let me kiss you.”
“I have a lot going on in here.” I tap the side of my head. “I’m not ready yet.”
“I get it, and I don’t want to pressure you. I just don’t know if it’s because of things with your dad, the cheer squad, or…” He swallows. “Or because there’s something you’re not telling me.”
I gulp, and his eyes flick down to my throat at the movement.
There are so many things I haven’t told Sushant.
The fact that I’m pansexual. That I used him to make Meera hate me.
That as much as I love him, I don’t know if I can love him in the same way I loved her.
That I used to be so terrified to accept who I am. That I’m not afraid anymore.
His eyes darken. “What aren’t you telling me, Lucy?”
But I am afraid of other people finding out.
I’d rather pick a fight now than admit to my boyfriend that I’m pansexual and change the way he sees me, maybe even the way he loves me.
After all, I’ve read about this countless times on social media.
People find out their partners are queer and stop trusting them—or, worse, stop loving them.
So I pivot.
“I know there’s something going on between you and Meera.”
Sushant literally backs away, his mouth falling open. “Wait, what?”
I narrow my eyes. “You spent the entire party with her—”
“Lucy, it’s her birthday!”
“Birthday or not, you were standing a little too close to her,” I point out.
“I’m sorry about that. I was in my head about us, and that’s why I—” He sighs. “I feel nothing for her, Lucy. I promise. How could I?”
“Don’t lie to me.” I hold a hand out. “You’re always with her lately.”
Sushant scoffs, raking a hand through his hair. “Oh yeah? I could say the same about you and Julien. But I won’t, because I’m not an asshole making up bullshit.”
It breaks my heart to play along, to distract him from my secret on purpose. But I don’t have a choice. “Julien is my friend. And he’s dating Natalie. How can you accuse me of—”
Sushant shakes his head and pushes past me to the front door. “I’m out of here.”
“Sushant—”
He swings the door open, then turns around, one hand around the knob. “I was wrong earlier. Maybe a break from the situation isn’t enough.”
I stare at him as my knees nearly give way. “What are you saying?”
Sushant’s frown deepens. “Maybe we need a break from our relationship, after all.”
Before I can protest, the door slams shut behind him, and I let my boyfriend walk away from me, tears streaming down my face.
Meera
Spring break is supposed to be a time to relax, have fun, and party.
That’s what I’m trying to do as I get dressed for a beachside party Seth invited me to, although it started hours ago.
My mind is in the mood to self-sabotage and isn’t letting me do anything except spiral into a cloud of gloomy thoughts.
The past two days since my birthday, all I’ve been able to think about is my stupid Plan and how I was wrong all along.
Part of me doesn’t want Sushant anymore. It doesn’t want him to be my first kiss. Maybe it’s all of me that doesn’t want him. Maybe I was just so caught up in the idea of being with the unattainable hot jock who lives right next door to me and has always seen me as a friend, nothing more.
“So what now?” I whisper to my reflection in the mirror. Sighing, I grab a flannel shirt from my closet, roll the sleeves up, and head downstairs.
“Big party tonight?” Dad says from the reclining leather chair. He’s reading a book while Appa’s made himself comfortable on the couch, watching his favorite Kannada movie on Netflix.
“Just a casual get-together with friends,” I lie, bending down to give Raj a belly rub. Then I grab my flip-flops from the shoe rack. “I’ll be home by midnight.”
“No drinking!” Appa yells as the front door swings closed behind me.
The beach is only a twenty-minute walk from home. I stroll down the street, hands in my pockets, a heaviness in my chest. What have I done, and where has it gotten me?
I selfishly tried to sabotage my ex–best friend’s relationship. For all I know, Sushant and Lucy are soulmates. And, worse still, my friends hate me because I ignored them for the sake of the Plan. No texts, no calls—Ron and Val didn’t even like my last few Instagram posts or Stories.
Appa was right. I’ve fucked everything up, the fuckup that I am.
The sun is dipping into the horizon, turning the ocean all shades of orange and pink and blue, by the time I get to the party.
I go straight to a tray of Jell-O shots and down one, then grab a beer from the cooler.
Most people from school are here. Seth and a few jocks are playing volleyball—shirts and skins, by the looks of it.
I glance at Sushant’s bare, muscular upper body, forcing myself to feel something, anything, the way I used to when I’d see him shirtless at the beach, so that this Plan wasn’t for naught. But…nothing.
I exhale, walking around. Some kids from book club nod at me; others wave or say hello.
I’m smiling back at them when I spot Valeria and Ron with another girl by the ocean in the distance.
Ron is splashing water on the girl while Valeria clicks pictures on her iPhone, laughing.
The girl kicks water back at Ron, a blush tinting her fair cheeks.
Then she puts her arms around him and kisses him on the lips.
A jolt shoots through me. This must be Brenda, the girl Ron has a crush on.
Looks like it worked out for him. It’s a bittersweet feeling.
Ron hasn’t had a serious relationship since freshman year, long before we went from locker neighbors to close friends.
He deserves to be loved. But why can’t I be included in that joy?
I still care about Ron and Val. Of course I do.
I just…haven’t been the best at showing it.
I swallow my sadness and chug my beer, purposefully making my way toward the ocean, an apology on my lips.
Brenda spots me and frowns, then mutters something indistinct to my friends.
They turn to glance at me, scoff, and walk away, back into the crowd.
My shoulders slump, but I decide I won’t give up so easily.
I’ll find them later tonight. I’ll fix this.
I have to. I’ve been a horrible, selfish friend to everyone in my life. I can’t let that define me anymore.
“Meera!” Julien greets me by kissing me on each cheek. He’s wearing a dress shirt, and his hair is gelled back like always. “How are you?”
I give a noncommittal shake of the head. “I’m, well, alive.”
He throws his head back and laughs. There’s a bottle in his hand—rose kombucha? “What a time to be alive, isn’t it? A fun party with wonderful friends. It is a beautiful night.”
“I guess,” I mumble. My eyes search the beach for my friends and Brenda, but there are so many people here, it’s hard to pick out three faces from among the crowd.
“It cannot compare to your party, though.” The smile blooming across his face reaches his eyes. “I must introduce Holi to my friends back home in Paris.”
I finally turn to him. “You’re leaving after prom, right?”
Julien nods, his eyes misty. “I will miss all of you. Especially Natalie.” He coughs and sips his kombucha. “Have you seen her, by the way?”
“Speak of the devil.” I use my bottle to point. “She’s walking over here.”
Natalie jogs to us, slightly out of breath. Her dark skin is flushed, her coily black hair tied back into a ponytail. “I need your help,” she says, taking Julien’s hands in hers.
I step aside, deciding to give them some privacy, but what she says next piques my curiosity. “Lucy’s wallowing in self-pity by the end of the beach. She’s refusing to come out here and join us. I’m worried about her. I asked Sushant to help too, but he won’t talk to me, and—”
“What happened?” I ask.
Natalie hesitates, dropping her eyes to the sandy ground. “I’m not sure I can say.”
Julien looks from her to me and clears his throat. “Meera, let’s talk soon?”
I nod, although this feels like a sucker punch to the gut.
Natalie replaced me a long time ago in Lucy’s heart.
Soon, someone else will replace me as Ron and Valeria’s best friend.
But there is still something I can do, something kind and selfless and wonderful, to make up for at least part of my bad karma.
“See you,” I say out of the corner of my mouth before I sprint toward the last stretch of the beach, hoping Lucy’s still there—and that she’ll let me in.