Chapter Twenty-Four
“Need Your Love”
by Gryffin and Seven Lions feat. Noah Kahan
Lucy
Dad’s LA house is huge—four bedrooms, five bathrooms, warm wooden flooring, a backyard that leads directly to the beach—and it’s hard for me not to feel a twinge of resentment.
Sure, Mom got our house in the divorce—plus custody of me—but Dad made a whole new life here that’s a hundred times more full than what he had with us. And now he has Grandpa’s money.
If Dad hadn’t complied with Mom’s requests, if he’d only tried to fight for me, this could have been my life too.
I shake that thought away as the backyard door opens and Jade sits down across from me on the second lounge chair.
After breakfast, they changed out of their pajamas and into a crisp white dress shirt and cutoff jeans, and their short salt-and-pepper hair is slicked back with some gel.
They hand me a cup of coffee with a smile that I return.
We haven’t talked much since I drove here last night, but the only other queer people I know are Meera’s parents, Dad, and Julien, so I’m eager to broaden that circle.
“How’s spring break going so far?” they ask.
I sip my coffee—warm and creamy, but nothing like the iced ginger turmeric chai latte from Café Kismat—and wonder how to answer that question. Honesty works, I tell myself. “It’s been crap.”
Jade nearly spits out their sip of coffee. “And here I thought spring break was all about parties and hooking up.” They pause. “Don’t tell your father I said that.”
I hold back a chuckle and rest my head against the back of the lounge chair. “Well, my boyfriend and I decided to break up. Or, rather, he decided to break up with me because I broke his heart.”
A crinkle appears between their brows. “I’m not quite sure I understand, Lucy.”
I hesitate, then speak. “I haven’t told Dad this yet, but I…I fell in love with a girl.” It’s surprising how easily the words slip out. I guess confiding in virtual strangers is less intimidating than admitting the truth to people who’ve known me forever.
Jade’s lips broaden in a grin. “Tell me about her.”
As much as I hate myself for it, my heart somersaults in my chest when I tell Jade all about Meera.
Her dusky beauty, her all-black wardrobe, her snarky comments, her “bitch, fight me” attitude…
and her unrelenting, loyal friendship. Until now, that is.
I pause midway and exhale. “But she doesn’t feel that way about me. She just used me to get to Sushant.”
“I’m so sorry, Lucy.” They reach out and squeeze my knee with a warm hand, their forehead wrinkled. The gesture is so protective, so gentle, that my eyes dampen.
“It’s fine.” I push my chin out. “I’m done with her, and Madre Maria, and my old life. Maybe NYU isn’t where I’m meant to be yet, but I’ll make LA my new home until I can find my way to New York.”
Jade shoots up from their chair, gasping. “So you’re going to UCLA?”
I nod. “I think I am.”
“Oh, your father is going to be so thrilled! Ken!” Jade runs back inside the house, calling for my dad.
Dad whoops and screams excitedly when we share the news with him, and he twirls me around for a few seconds before putting me down.
He’s old; his back probably wore him out, and the last time he lifted me up was eight years ago.
“I’m taking the next two days off from work,” he decides.
“Let’s see if we can arrange a tour of the UCLA campus.
Oh, and we should go to Disneyland! I used to take you to Disneyland all the time when you were younger, remember? ”
And then you walked out on Mom and me forever, a voice in my head whispers. But I force myself to smile. “I remember. That sounds nice, Dad.”
“Lucy, your birthday’s coming up next month,” Jade says, putting one arm each around me and Dad, leading us back outside to the lounge chairs. “What do you want as a present?”
“Hmm.” I gaze up at Dad’s eager face and whoosh out a breath. “How about a Pride flag for me to hang up in my dorm at UCLA?”
Dad stiffens in place. He looks from me to Jade, then mumbles, “You’re queer?”
“Pansexual,” I say proudly.
He grins before his eyes darken. “Does your mother know?”
My face falls. “No. As much as she loves me, I don’t think she’d be happy about this.”
Sighing, Dad puts his hands in his pockets. “You don’t owe anybody any information about who you are and who you love. If you ever do get around to telling Alice, it’s on her to make her peace with it.”
“I know.” I sit down and grab my now-cold cup of coffee from the small wicker table. “So, Disneyland. Will you ride the roller coasters with me, or…?”
“No.” Dad visibly shivers as Jade laughs aloud. “I’m not as brave as you, Lucy.”
I roll my eyes. “I’m not brave—”
“You are, kiddo.” He smiles, a tear falling down his cheek. “Thanks for giving me another chance.”
My lip quivers. “You’re welcome, Dad.”
Meera
It’s barely nine a.m., and I’ve been pacing in front of Lucy’s front yard for the past half hour, wondering if I still have the right to knock on her door and apologize.
I spent all of yesterday shut in my room, blasting the “MRG” playlist through my earphones and pretending I didn’t screw up the lives of my ex-crush and, well, my now crush. Or has Lucy been my forever crush?
“All right, Meera. You’ve got this.” I shake out my body, roll my head, and walk up to the doorstep.
My hand is an inch away from the door when it swings open.
Lucy’s mom blinks at me in confusion. She’s dressed in a floral dress, a purse hanging from one wrist. She puts her hand on the edge of the door as though she doesn’t want me to come in, then smiles tightly. “Meera. What a pleasant surprise.”
Her tone makes it clear it’s absolutely not a pleasant surprise.
She’s never liked me; my being Brown and the daughter of two gay men probably doesn’t sit well with her so-called moral values.
When Lucy and I were friends, we never hung out at her place.
Ms. Miller was always shut in her office, coaching clients who looked and acted and thought just like her.
It wasn’t a safe space for me to be around that energy, and Lucy knew it.
My stomach flutters at the thought. Her betrayal notwithstanding, Lucy was always a good friend. Sometimes I wonder if she ever hated me until now—after all, she looked after me when I got too drunk at Seth’s party, and she accepted my help when her dad showed up.
“Meera?” Ms. Miller snaps her fingers to get my attention, still fake smiling. “I asked, to what do I owe the pleasure?”
I suppress the urge to roll my eyes at her pretend niceness. “Um, I wanted to see Lucy.”
Ms. Miller frowns. “Lucy’s not here.” When she doesn’t elaborate, I raise my eyebrow, waiting, and she adds, sighing, “She’s visiting her father in LA for spring break.”
“Oh.” I take a step back. A cool wind blows, goose bumps sprouting up my arms. I rub along my skin and sigh. “Well, thanks anyway, Ms. Miller.”
I make room for Ms. Miller to lock the door behind her; then she nods at me and walks away, her high heels clip-clopping their way to her car. She looks back once, probably to check if I’m still loitering around, so I head home.
Dad and Appa are both sitting at the dining table, midway through a breakfast of poha and curd, when I step in and take off my sneakers.
“Where did you run off to so early in the morning?” Appa asks.
He’s got a drop of curd hanging from his mustache.
I’d laugh and point it out if I weren’t so miserable.
I put my hands on my knees and take a few deep breaths, trying to calm my racing heart as their curious eyes regard me.
“Meera?” Dad sets his spoon down and turns his chair to face me. “Are you all right?”
I shake my head, surfacing again. “No. I—I need to tell you both something.”
My parents stand up in unison, worry sprinkled across their faces. Dad opens his mouth, then closes it. He gulps.
“I’m not pregnant,” I quickly say.
Dad lifts a hand to his chest. “Oh, thank God. But if you were, we’d still love you and help in any way we could with the—”
“I’m bi.”
Dad pauses midsentence. “Oh.”
“And…and I think I’m falling for a girl.”
Appa tilts his head, a smile on his face. “It’s Lucy, isn’t it?” he asks.
“That obvious, huh?” I laugh, pressing a hand to the back of my head. “Yeah. It’s Lucy. I guess I never loved Sushant after all. Just…the idea of what we could be.”
Dad grumbles something under his breath, then pulls out his wallet and hands Appa twenty dollars. “Fine. You and your stupid psychic abilities win. Again.”
Appa pockets the twenty-dollar bill and grins. “Told you.”
“Wait, wait, wait.” I gasp. “Did you make a bet on my identity?”
“No, of course not.” Dad quirks a brow. “It was pretty obvious to us that you were bisexual. The bet was Team Sushant”—he jabs a thumb to his chest—“versus Team Lucy.” He smacks Appa on the head playfully.
“Ouch!” Appa laughs, then pokes Dad in the ribs with a finger. They exchange a look that’s full of familiar love and fondness. My heart clenches. I wish I had that too. I wish I could have found my forever person during senior year, just like they did.
But if it isn’t what the Universe wants for me, then I’ll have to come to terms with it.
Somehow.
“Wait, so you knew?” I ask Appa, wide-eyed. “This whole time, you knew I loved Lucy and not Sushant? You knew even before I did?”
He comes over and wraps me in a soft embrace. “I always had a feeling. I just didn’t know if it was intuition or”—he cracks a smile—“hope.”
Dad joins us to bear-hug me from the other side. “Lucy’s a wonderful girl. We’re so happy for you—”
“Don’t be.” I gently push them away and blink back my tears. “I didn’t tell you this earlier, but I went ahead with my Plan, and she found out about it. She hates me.”
“Ah, well…” Dad quiets, biting his lip. I’m so sure he’s holding himself back from saying I told you so.
Appa shrugs and musses up my hair, and I let him. “Then, putta, you need to remind her of what you once had. What you can have again someday, if she forgives you.”
“That’s not going to be easy, but”—I slump down at the dining table, my head in my hands—“I guess it wouldn’t hurt to try.”
“You hungry?” Appa asks. When I nod, he rubs his bald spot. “I’ll make you a plate of poha. Sit tight.”
Dad bends to kiss my forehead. “We believe in you, okay? You’ll figure this out.”
“Thanks, Dad,” I mumble. But I’m not so sure he’s right.