Chapter 33
HANNA
Reaching over in the darkness, I brush his cheek with my fingers only to find that they’re damp.
Concern rolls through me and I quickly lean over to turn on the bedside lamp.
When the light fills his room, I can fully see his face.
It’s twisted up and pained, his eyes crushed together as his head thrashes back and forth.
It’s as if a movie only he can see is playing behind his eyelids and every frame is terrorizing him.
He’s having a nightmare.
Doing the work I do, I know first hand the dangers of waking someone up from a nightmare.
Even worse, a night terror. The best thing you can do is sit with them and make sure they’re safe until they finally come out of it.
Pushing myself up in bed, I cross my legs underneath me and adjust the oversized T-shirt of his I’m sleeping in to cover my legs.
We’re supposed to go to family breakfast later this morning, which is why I’m staying overnight at his place.
I also think it was a perfect excuse for him to invite me over and “watch a movie.” His way of saying “come over and let me have my way with you.”
I bring one of my hands to his arm and slowly start to stroke it.
I can only guess what he’s dreaming about but I’m almost certain I know it’s about his fallen comrade.
This isn’t the first time I’ve witnessed one of his nightmares and more than likely won’t be the last until he learns how to move past his grief.
Having known Miles for a few months now, I know how much he carries the burden of being the leader of his shift on his back.
He treats the men and women in his company like they’re his siblings, like they’re family.
Because to him they are. The bond between firefighters is bone deep and Miles embodies that every day he goes to work.
When his head thrashes to one side again, I reach my free hand to frame his cheek. Slowly, I move my thumb back and forth and try to console him.
“Shh, you’re okay. You’re safe,” I whisper. I see the rise and fall of his chest start to even out. A bead of sweat falls down his temple from his hairline. “I’m here, fireman. I’m right here.”
I watch him for a second and wait to see if he relaxes. When his body seems to calm, I lean over on my knees and press my lips to his cheek as softly as I can. Bringing my lips to his ear, I whisper, “Come back to me, Miles.”
I intertwine my hand with his and squeeze it three times, something we’ve started to do to one another as a sign of reassurance.
Whether it’s when we’re in the car or walking down the sidewalk, one of us will do it and the other will squeeze back the same number of times.
Sitting next to him, I bring his hand to my cheek and turn my head to press my lips into the palm of it before giving it a few squeezes again.
“Come back to me,” I whisper a little louder than before.
I hate seeing him in pain. Witnessing it and knowing there’s only so much I can do to help him cuts me deep to the core.
The more time I spend with him, the more I know I’m falling for him.
And watching someone you’re falling in love with suffer is a type of pain that no one should ever have to know.
His breathing settles as I sit next to him, wanting more than anything then to wake him up and save him from his own mind. Then, I feel his hand squeeze mine back. Three times exactly. When he starts to blink his eyes open, he turns and looks at me, confusion settling in between his brows.
“Doc, what’s wrong?” he asks, his eyes glancing around the room. He pushes himself up onto his elbow and pulls my hand to his chest. Tired eyes look up at me and I can’t help but bring my free hand to his hair and run my fingers through it.
“You were having a nightmare,” I explain, looking deeply into his warm brown eyes. “I was worried—”
“I’m sorry for scaring you, beautiful. I didn’t mean to,” he interjects, pressing his lips to the back of my hand.
I give him a tired smile. “I didn’t say you scared me; I said I was worried. Nothing you do or say will scare me away. Nothing.”
I lean in and bring my hand to his cheek hovering close to his lips for a second before pressing mine to his.
He pushes against me, causing me to lean back the slightest bit before pulling away.
Shame and grief mix in his features and I can tell he wants to say something.
Has to say something. I squeeze his hand again and give him a reassuring smile when he finally brings his eyes back to me.
“I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself for what happened,” he says quietly, dropping his eyes back down to our hands which he holds tightly in his lap.
“Sometime’s it’s not about forgiveness,” I say. “Sometimes it’s about acceptance. Acceptance of what happened, acceptance that it’s hard. Acceptance that bad things happen and that, sometimes, we will never truly get over them.”
His eyes flash to mine.
“You may not be able to forgive yourself for losing Wesley, but you can accept that losing him has changed you. And now you’re at a crossroads about what that change is going to look like.
It can be for the better or not, that’s completely your choice.
But in order to move on, you have to accept that what happened was a terrible accident.
One that broke your heart and changed you forever.
The only thing you can do now is decide how to change and what kind of legacy you’re going to live in his memory. ”
He stares at me, considering what I just said.
“Legacy?” he repeats, almost as more of a question than a statement.
I nod my head, allowing him to process my words when out of nowhere he lunges at me, pulling me into a hug.
His hand loops around my neck and into my hair at the base of the back of my head.
He continues to pull me closer until I’m fully in his lap.
His heart is beating so fast I can feel it in his chest.
“I think I’m falling in love with you,” he says into my neck, holding me tighter as he speaks. My heart does a somersault in my chest and I wonder if he can feel it like I can feel his. He releases me when he feels me pull away. “I hope it doesn’t freak you out that I said that.”
I shake my head and smile. “I told you, fireman, nothing you do or say will scare me. Besides,” I start before framing his face between my hands and holding his eyes on mine, “I think I’m falling in love with you too.”
He gives me another tired smile as his eyes dart between mine and my lips.
Leaning in, I crash my lips to his and let him lower us back down in bed.
We kiss and get tangled up in one another, getting lost in the feeling of falling in love with another person.
After a while, our frantic need burns out and the middle of the night exhaustion takes over.
We fall asleep, with me neatly tucked into his chest, and sleep through the rest of the night until the sun rises, signaling the start of a new day.
Several hours later, we’re riding next to one another in his truck heading out of town for family breakfast. He’s holding my hand on top of the middle console, running his thumb back and forth across the back of my hand.
Something has shifted between us, I can feel it.
When we woke up for a second time this morning, he leaned in and kissed me softly, whispering “Good morning, beautiful,” to me while he did.
Hearing him say it made my heart flutter and I wanted to pull out my phone and have him say it again so I could record it.
“Do you mind if I make a quick phone call?” he asks, pulling me from my thoughts.
“Not at all.”
When we reach a stop, he pushes a few buttons on his dash and suddenly his truck is ringing like a telephone. The screen in the center of his dashboard says “Calling Carter.” When the line goes through to voicemail, Miles scrunches his brows together.
“That’s weird. He always answers. I usually take him to breakfast but wanted to give him a heads up that you’re with me.”
“Oh, I could have driven myself. I didn’t mean to take his seat,” I apologize.
He squeezes my hand which I reciprocate. “You aren’t taking his seat. He’s a big boy and can get in the back and be happy about it. Or, he can drive himself for once.”
He pushes ‘call’ on the screen again but this time, Carter answers.
“Hey, man, I’m on my way to get you,” Miles calls out over the line. “Say hello, Hanna’s in the truck with me.”
“What? Who? Who the hell is Hanna?” his brother says over the phone. He sounds groggy, like we woke him up.
“Hanna, my girlfriend, Hanna? Did you just wake up? I’m almost to your place, dude,” Miles scolds.
“Why are you coming to my place?”
Miles glances at me with a scowl. “Because it’s Sunday. Family breakfast. We do this almost every week, remember?”
There’s a ruffling over the line that muffles the background sound but I’m almost certain I hear a second voice in the background. Miles and I share a passing glance.
“Well I just woke up and won’t be ready by the time you’re here. Just meet me at home,” he says, suddenly sounding hurried and frantic.
“Everything okay?” Miles asks.
“Yeah, yeah. Everything’s fine. I have to go, I’ll see you in an hour,” Carter hurries out the words and then the line goes dead.
“Ohhhhhkay, I guess we’re not going to pick him up,” Miles says. “We have time now, do you want to stop for a coffee or anything?”
I perk up in my seat and gasp with a wide smile. “I’d love a coffee.”
My reaction to his offer makes him laugh. “Anything for you, beautiful. Absolutely anything.”