120. Is this the end?
120
IS THIS THE END?
Martin
Nothing felt better than being in each other’s arms even if it was too soon. There was so much hurt between us, most all of it my fault. I really messed up allowing my stupid ego and money getting in the way. He was my family, the kids were my family, and I’d been delusional to think that money was the important part of it all.
I spent the next day job hunting. Shockingly, my agent loved that I’d been arrested, citing that all publicity was good publicity and that I could book any gig I wanted now.
Thing was, I didn’t want to book any more gigs. I wanted a job that would give me insurance for my family and pay my bills, but also allow me to stay in the workplace. I didn’t want to be on call or to travel or be expected to live a certain lifestyle. I just wanted to be me… with a job.
I applied for everything I could find from stocking shelves to corporate jobs. I had enough money saved so as long as it came with health insurance, and it paid enough until I could get a job I loved, that would be fine. By the end of the day I had an offer at a coffee shop. I didn't know enough about coffee other than I liked it, but they remembered me from all the times driving through and hired me not on experience but as the day manager called it my “not a dick” status. I didn’t correct them. I had been a dick to the people who mattered most, but that wouldn’t impact my ability to do the job.
I waited until I knew the kids were asleep before going over to see Neil. They’d been through enough ups and downs without seeing me groveling for a second—no sixtieth chance .
I’m outside your door. Can we talk?
I hit send and was happy hearing the sound of the chain on the door instead of a text telling me that it wasn’t a good idea.
“Everything okay?” he asked, the door only part way open.
“It’s getting better. Can we talk?”
He let me in. We went into the living room and sat down, not next to each other, but I couldn’t expect anything different.
“I got a job today.”
He crossed his arms. He thought I was leaving again and why shouldn’t he? It had been my pattern.
“I mean, I told the agency I didn’t want to work for them and applied for every job I could find. And I have one that starts in two days. You’re looking at the next barista for Coffee Makes it Betta.”
“You—you quit your job?”
“I had to. It made me a person I didn’t want to be. They loved that I was arrested. Loved it.”
“They loved it?” He inched closer. “That’s… that’s…”
“That’s awful. My new job doesn’t pay much but it has insurance and I might get one of the corporate jobs I applied for.”
“This is great, but it doesn’t mean we can just be together again. There’s a lot to mend.”
I hated how right he was.
“No. I know that. I need to earn back your trust and be the father I should’ve always been.”
He came up and sat beside me. “You’ve always loved our boys. You were just… things weren’t good.”
“Maybe… can I… I don’t know, can we swap apartments sometimes so that I can live with them too? It’s not fair to ask them to move, not with all they have already been through.” And 3B was way too small for two kids and me. Also, I still wasn’t sold on Charlie going back and forth being the best for him.
“Perhaps you could move back in. We wouldn’t be together. That’s off the table for now, but we could co-parent and maybe rebuild things over time?”
“How would that work—I mean I want that so badly, but how do we not cross lines like we did the other day?” I was ready to jump back in and start anew, but if we were going to do this right, I understood all the reasons not to.
“Two beds? No dates brought home.”
I flinched at his words.
“No dates?” he added as a question.
There would never be any dates, except with Neil, but I agreed. “No dates. And I know it wouldn’t be easy for you to have me here, but can we do that? At least while we’re figuring this all out?” He gave me a single nod.
“I promise you, I will do everything I can to be the person you need me to be.”
I just had to hope that that was enough .
We spent hours discussing the details as to how we were going to make this work. In the end, I wasn’t moving in just yet. We needed to talk to the kids, mainly Toby and then make the apartment suitable for us to be here as basically roommates who love each other and are raising a family together.
And one day, maybe, just maybe, we could be more.
Ivor
“Thanks for coming with me,” Martin said as he backed out of the parking spot. “I’m trying not to pressure Neil and things like this, I think it adds some.”
I was loving that the two of them were trying to figure this whole thing out. Honestly, I wasn’t sure if I’d have been able to if I had been in Neil’s position. Martin had been a certifiable ass. Sure the blind article had been bullshit and then the guy deserved that punch, but it was long before then that he had turned into someone I didn’t even recognize.
“It’s good that you are going,” I affirmed. “Counseling can be really great. It made a difference for me.” It had saved my relationship with Ryder, if I was being honest.
“It did? You don’t go anymore?”
I couldn’t even be mad at him for being rude or anything, because he wasn’t. He was information seeking as he started this new journey.
“Things have been difficult lately. With Ryder, I mean.” I hated watching all the things that were supposed to help, only making him sicker. The doctors kept telling us it was the path we needed to take, but after our last visit with the oncologist, I wasn’t so sure.
The radiation? It wasn’t getting the job done the way the doctor hoped. He tried to make it sound like it was just a stumbling block, but at night, while Ryder tossed and turned in his sleep making little noises as if he was in pain, it felt like more than a stumbling block. Had he not had plans with Daire to watch a movie today, I wouldn’t have left him to come with Martin. It felt like every minute I spent with my mate might be my last and that was a terrible feeling that wrapped around every decision I made.
“Don’t you think that maybe it means you might need it more?” Coming from most people I’d have just said I’d think about it and move on.
Martin might be in a bad place now, but he had been in a worse one. He lived my biggest fear when his mate died, leaving him to live in a world that lost its sunshine. He understood the stakes better than anyone.
We pulled to a stop at a red light.
“You’re probably right.” I sucked in a deep breath and let it out slowly. “But also I don’t want Ryder to worry about me. He has enough on his plate. ”
He started driving again and silence filled the car, neither of us talking until we reached the new therapist’s clinic.
“I was trying to figure out words of wisdom, but I don’t have any. Shit, I don’t come close to having my life together and I need to bring a friend with me to work up the strength to go into that office.” He turned off the car and faced me. “I guess what I’m saying is if you need me to be that friend, I can’t promise I will be the best one on this planet. I’ve made a lot of mistakes this year, but I can promise you this; I will be there to walk you in or make the appointment or distract Ryder or whatever it is you need.”
My eyes filled with tears. He was right, Martin had been a shitty friend, dad, and mate this past year, but deep down he was a good guy and his offer was genuine.
What I was going to do with said offer, I had no idea, but having it on the table meant more to me than he could ever know.