134. Baby, maybe?
134
BABY, MAYBE?
Nate
I felt crushed leaving the doctor’s office.
We had gone there hoping for them to say, “You’re pregnant” just like all the stories we found on the internet. Cognitively we knew that wasn’t how it worked. They were the rare couple who sought fertility treatments only to discover they were already pregnant—still it was what I longed for.
Instead we heard, “Let’s do a bunch of tests and we might possibly be able to do something… or not. We don’t know.” The doctor said it nicer than that, of course, but the sentiment was there.
Daire didn’t say a word. Not as we left the office and not as we drove home. And that was the worst part. I hated to see him like this. I hated it more than anything.
When we got home, I took him by the hand and led him inside. Once the door clicked closed, he collapsed into my arms.
“I thought it would be different,” he sobbed. “I thought I was strong enough but he kept talking to us so clinically and not once did he say it would all be okay. Not once. What if I can’t do this? What if the tests all say I’m broken? What if we can’t do this?”
I hugged him close, telling him how much I loved him and we’d be together through all of this… he’d never be alone. The helplessness inside of me swelled until I almost broke into tears with him. But I couldn’t allow that. He needed me to be strong for him—for both of us.
When his tears slowed, I scooped him up into my arms and brought him to the bathroom. “Let’s get you a shower.”
He’d been poked and prodded and invaded during his testing. Getting cleaned up might help .
“Okay.” He didn’t argue, letting me take him under the steamy water and washing his hair and body, wiping the day away. When the water started to chill slightly, I shut it off and dried him.
“Let’s take a nap.” He nodded and we both padded to the bedroom and climbed into bed. I held him close as he slowly drifted off to sleep.
Slumber didn’t come as easily to me. I spent the time rehashing everything the doctor said. Worst case scenario, we couldn’t have biological children, but that didn’t mean we couldn’t be parents. The foster system was full of children waiting for their forever home. There was also surrogacy.
“What are you thinking?” Daire looked up at me.
“I thought you were asleep.” I kissed the top of his head.
“I was. But your heart is beating so quickly.” He snuggled into me.
“I was thinking about the what ifs.” I inhaled his scent. “What if the news from the tests is bad?”
“We can get a dozen cats,” he teased.
“We could… or I was thinking, what if we look into getting licensed to be foster parents? There are so many children looking for a parent. Or maybe we could look at surrogates. And maybe instead of cats… dogs?”
“You wouldn’t leave me if we couldn’t?” And that explained the tears.
“Of course not, my love. If we have a baby, I’ll be so happy. But if that isn’t the path we are meant to be on, I’ll be on it with you and that’s all that matters.”
“I love you, Nate.”
“Not as much as I love you. And Daire. It will be okay. I promise you. It might not be as we originally planned, but it will all be okay.”
It had to be.
Martin
“You know what was the worst part?” Neil asked after the kids were long in bed.
I hadn’t left his side after arriving home. Neil seemed to want me there as much as I wanted to be. I felt horrible that we had scared him.
I never left my phone anywhere, but I had needed the flashlight when Toby dropped something under the seat. The people behind me were miffed that I got up enough to fish it from my pocket so I thought it would be a good idea to stash it in the cup holder.
It was not a good idea. It was the exact opposite.
“Are you hungry?” Neil asked. “I could whip us up something or maybe order some pizza? I was originally thinking of getting takeout and texted you about picking it up.”
“There’s left over Thai in the fridge. Want me to fetch it?” I offered.
“Or maybe you could get the food and move back into our bed?” He grabbed my hand. “Please. Today, when I thought something happened to you all, it… it made me realize, I don’t want you just sharing the apartment. I want you here.” He put a hand over his heart. “Really home as in… we’re together as mates and as a family.”
I was almost afraid I’d fallen asleep and this was all a dream.
“I waited for this for so long.” I leaned in and kissed him sweetly. “I want to say yes.”
“But?”
“But I don’t want you to feel pressured. Let’s give it a few days to make sure that you still feel the same, once the adrenalin fades. I don’t think I could have everything I ever wanted only to lose it all again.”
“Let’s eat.”
We ended up forgetting the Thai and eating scrambled eggs and toast before climbing into bed together and holding each other close all night long.
Our thought of taking it slowly didn’t plan out the way I intended. We became inseparable and I loved it. And the kids? Charlie didn’t notice any difference but Toby did. And he was happy.
The next weekend the kids stayed over at Archer’s to give us alone time. We weren’t going to turn it down. It meant we had a real date night, just the two of us.
I put on my best jeans, the ones Neil said he liked, and a shirt and tie. I was going to woo my mate the way he deserved to be wooed. He’d been through so much because of me and while he forgave me, I wasn’t sure I’d ever fully forgive myself for all the heartache I caused.
“Where are we going again?” Neil looked me up and down, “Do I need a tie too?”
“Need? No. But you might want one. We’re going to Webber’s.” Webber’s being a well loved local steak house, one with a few tiny dining rooms so you never felt crowded.
“Yeah, I’ll need one.” He went to the closet and grabbed his tie, putting it on and after a couple of tries, getting it straight. “Ready?”
“Let’s go.” I held my arm out for him like in the old movies and he took it.
We passed Nate and Daire on our way to the car and they gave us a small wave, a sadness settling over them.
“They aren’t sure they can have a baby.” Neil said when we were both in the car and our friends were already inside. “That’s why they looked like that.”
“I heard.” With Toby’s father we hadn’t been sure if we could get pregnant for a while and it was not fun. We found out we were expecting before it came to fertility treatments, but that time period had been rough on both of us.
“I think, if we decide… you know if we go back to the maybe starting a family stage… perhaps we don’t talk about it in front of them.” Neil was such a good friend to Daire.
“That’s kind.” More than kind. Neil was always looking out for others. It was one of the things I loved about him. I started the ignition. “And for the record, I would be honored if you wanted to one day have our baby. ”
It was too early to decide anything now, but knowing it was a possibility and that the door wasn’t closed had me on cloud nine.
“I think,” he squeezed my knee, “No, I know that I do. Maybe not tonight, but in a few weeks… let’s talk about it a bit more seriously?”
“I’d like that, mate. I’d like that a lot.”