Chapter 39
Chapter Thirty-Nine
C ecilia
The cold air breezes around me, reminding me that winter is right around the corner as I sit outside on the patio, sipping my morning coffee. It's a good thing I thrived in the cold. I was an oversized sweater and blanket kind of girl through and through.
It’s been three days since I officially agreed to move in with James, and surprisingly, I haven’t panicked about my decision yet.
What is wrong with me? Is this what being in love was like? Was I totally lovesick?
James walks onto the patio, spotting me beside the rose bushes that are nearly withered up now. He stops next to me and leans down to kiss my cheek. “Don’t forget, Marco will accompany you to work today.”
I sigh. “How could I forget? You reminded me last night before bed, when I woke up, and now.”
He grins at me. “I need to triple-check that you’re aware of the rules, considering your history of disobedience.”
“Yeah, yeah, whatever. Marco can come with me to work today. It actually might not be bad to have his company considering…”
James sits down across from me, eyeing me warily. “Considering what?”
“Well…Lance works today, too.”
“No,” James bites out.
“James, you can’t?—”
“You are not to see him again. I don’t care that he works there. Fire him.”
I laugh nervously. “I can’t fire him. It’s his job. As you said, Marco will be there if he tries anything. I can handle myself, too.”
James rests his chin on his hand, seething. “I don’t like the idea of him being near you or even breathing the same air as you.”
“He’s my oldest friend, James. I can’t just write him off forever. I want to try and fix things with him.”
“Absolutely not.”
“You don’t really get a say in it.”
“I very much get a say, especially when you’re mine, and he keeps putting his hands on what’s mine.”
“He’s been my best friend my whole life. I can’t just forget that. I don’t want to lose our friendship just because things got so…complicated.”
He looks at me in a way that makes me want to choke on my words. His eyes feel deep and full of pain. “You mean before I came along and ruined everything?”
I quickly shake my head. “That is not what I meant. What is going on right now? Things have been so good.”
“I don’t know,” he relents, his jaw clenching. “I just…don’t want anything to ruin this. I’ve had you all to myself lately. Life has to resume back to normal and…I’m scared of how we’ll adapt.”
I stand from my seat and move to his, sitting on his lap. He wraps his arms around me, his fists clenching my sweater dress hard. I wrap my arms around his neck, looking down at him. “I don’t know how things will go in the future. Things will probably be hard, but the point of it all is that I don’t want it to be hard with anyone else. You’re my safe haven, and I’ll always come home to you.”
He smirks. “Even if I’m being bad?”
I laugh. “Especially when you’re bad.” My fingers grip the collar of his white dress shirt, flipping it in my fingers. “I’ve always kind of secretly liked when you were bad.”
His hands hold my waist now even tighter. “Oh yeah? Tell me more.”
Excitement bubbles in my stomach as I grin down at him. “Like when you lied straight to my face about why there was blood on yours. You know, you never did tell me why it was there. I mean, you weren’t telling the truth about the whole interrogating a guy thing, right?”
“Some things are better left to the imagination.”
“Hmm. So, you did slay a beast, then?”
He bursts out in laughter. “In other words.” I decided to leave it at that because some things were better left unsaid.
“Very sexy,” I coo, kissing him on his cheek and then the other, holding his tie as leverage.
He tilts his head, his fiery eyes locked onto mine. “Are you trying to go to work with your dress inside out?” he asks, his fingers fiddling with its hem like he’s barely restraining himself from lifting it.
It’s like a heat hotter than the sun melts over my skin at his words. “I wish,” I groan. “But I don’t have time. I have to leave like…right now.”
He sighs unenthusiastically and lifts me from his lap so we can both stand. “Miss Bowen,” Marco calls out from the patio doors, “If you’re ready, I can drive you to work now.”
“Oh…right. Yes,” I glare back at James. “I guess I’m ready.”
“Have a good day.” He takes my hand and yanks me to him, kissing me savagely and making my knees weak. He grins purposefully as I thin my eyes at him, reluctantly walking away.
When I get to the library, it’s pretty busy. Now that it’s fall, we usually get more business because, duh, it’s perfect reading weather. I could use the distraction today, so I didn’t mind.
Half of the day goes by in an excruciating blur. I keep myself busy with work, and I’m on a roll by the time lunch rolls around, so I don’t even notice Lance showing up for work until he bolts past my desk and into the back office to drop off his things.
I stay where I’m at, looking over my shoulder to steal a glance at him. Being uncomfortable around one of the only people I thought I never had to worry about didn't feel right. I wanted things to go back to when we could be happy with only our friendship.
The office door flies open, and I distract myself by drinking my coffee, staring into my mug as he flies past me without a word. I glance over to Marco, standing near the library's entry doors, less than thirty feet from my desk. His stoic gaze follows Lance all the way to the back of the library, where he disappears.
I stressfully force two mini York peppermint patties into my mouth and chew anxiously.
I battle with the idea of going and talking to him. James would be furious, but how could I sit here and not speak to someone I’ve talked to nearly every day for the last ten years? Surely, there was something in this friendship worth saving. We’d been platonic for a bigger part of our relationship, and I couldn’t fathom that after all those years of it, it would be thrown away because now I couldn’t return his feelings.
But then there was his forceful kiss. I’d only felt disgust like that rolled through me once before, and that was when that horrible man was touching me against my will and holding me hostage at the restaurant. The fact that Lance overpowered me and was capable of making me feel that way…I didn’t know if I’d ever be able to look at him the same way again or if I’d ever feel entirely comfortable around him.
What I do know, though, is that he and I can’t ignore each other forever, so…I rise from my desk and walk toward the back of the library, where Lance wandered off. There was no way I was getting through the rest of our shift without speaking.
I find him in his sci-fi aisle, where he seems more relaxed. He’s crouched on the floor, taking his time rearranging all the books on the shelves—something that did not need to be done, but he was doing anyway.
“Hey,” I say gently, crouching on the floor beside him.
He doesn’t look at me, his cold gaze remaining on the books in front of him. “Hi.”
“How are you? We haven’t spoken in a few days.”
“Whose fault is that?” he mumbles.
“Lance, please. Can we be civil about all of this? You’re not totally innocent, either.”
He glares at me. “Are you serious? What did I ever do to you except give you my undivided love and attention and wait around like a fool.”
“Uh, you kissed me, Lance. Against my will. That wasn’t cool.”
He exhales sharply, looking back at the book pile on the floor before him. “You’re right. I shouldn’t have done that. I’m… I’m sorry.”
My arms instinctively wrapped around me like a protective blanket. I felt exposed just talking about this with him, and I hated how that felt. “I appreciate that,” I told him. He wasn’t exactly forgiven. I would need more time to regain trust in him, but I can always appreciate a genuine apology.
“Your boyfriend didn’t have to sucker punch me though. That was a real dick move.”
“You disrespected me and, in turn, disrespected him. I obviously don’t condone violence, but you asked for it.”
He scoffs in disgust, shaking his head. “You’re defending him more and more. Like a little trained mutt.”
“Excuse me?” I balk, standing now. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
He cuts another glare at me as he follows, his expression hard and unlike anything I’ve ever seen on him before. He had dark circles under his eyes and looked paler than usual. I wondered if he’d been losing sleep over this. I know I have.
“It means you’re an idiot, Lia. That guy has been using you and brainwashing you since the minute he met you.”
I shake my head. “You’re delusional. You have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Really? Last I checked, you didn’t like the guy, and you were worried about your brother even being involved with him, and then suddenly, you’re in love with him and staying at his house.”
“Things change. I?—”
“Things don’t just change that drastically. He’s got you under his thumb, and because you already come from a messed up family, you think being used is a form of love.”
I step back, shocked at his low blow. “Wow. I can’t believe you just said that.”
“Well, someone needed to. It’s the truth.”
Hurt floods my veins, making my body want to shake with the feeling, but I steel myself against him, keeping my chin up like James has always taught me. “Have you always thought of me that way? Like some fucked up charity case. Have you always thought less of me?”
He squeezes his eyes shut, shaking his head before looking at me again. “Wait. No. You’re not…I don’t think less of you. I just think that you don’t know what’s real or not because of your naivety when it comes to love.”
I laugh in disbelief. “You know what, Lance? I may not have grown up with your perfect conventional kind of family, but I know what love is, and it’s not perfect. And what I had from my father and continue to get from my brother and James is real. If you can’t accept that or believe that, then…I don’t know what kind of friendship we can have.”
His eyes stayed locked with mine, his disappointment evident in the look on his face. God, I hated the way he was looking at me. I never wanted to smack the look off of someone’s face until right now. I really, really hated judgment, which felt like karma for how hard I judged James in the beginning. This whole thing really sucked.
“I guess we don’t have one anymore then,” he responds flatly. He tears his gaze away and drops back to the floor, continuing to organize the books.
I finally walk away and go back to my desk. I sit almost mechanically, folding my hands in front of my face and leaning against them. I shut my eyes and breathe deeply, trying to relax my racing nerves.
The last thing I expected today was to be insulted by Lance and our friendship be declared over. I didn’t want to believe it. I mean… friends fight... right? This wasn’t over.
Or was it?
I find myself wondering if a friendship is something we could even get back to after all of the hurtful things he just said. He’d never be okay with James and would always be judgmental of Tobias. And apparently, he thinks I’m an idiot who knows nothing about love.
A sickening feeling in my stomach resolves me to the fact that… maybe I didn’t want to be friends with someone like that.
When I got home, there was no sign of James anywhere. I assumed he was still busy working, and I sighed in disappointment. I was anxious and needed to do something to keep my mind from straying back to the horrible day I had at work.
I decide to go to the kitchen and make myself useful. An hour later, I have dinner on the stove and hear the front door open. Arms wrap around me, and I smile, settling into James’s embrace.
“You realize I pay very good money for a very good chef to cook dinner?” he murmurs beside my ear.
“Yes, well, I wanted to cook for you tonight.”
He nips at my ear, “But the point of having my chef cook for us is so that we have time to do other things.”
I jumped, and my stomach dipped at the contact. “I’m good for other things, you know.”
“I do not doubt that. What are you making?” He stands beside me now, his hand never straying from my waist. His tie is hanging loosely around his neck, and his hair isn’t as neat as it was this morning. He looks disheveled, and my first thought is to ask how his day is. But then he looks over to me, his eyes locking on mine, and he smiles, and I lose all logic. He was just so handsome, no matter what state he was in.
“I’m uh… making pesto mozzarella grilled cheese sandwiches.”
One of his eyebrows pops up in curiosity. “Grilled cheese?”
“With basil pesto. It’s really good.”
He nods skeptically, picking up his chef's meal plan on the counter for the week. “Ahh, beef Wellington with baby potatoes. I can see why you’d prefer grilled cheese over such a bland dish as beef Wellington.”
I playfully shove him. “It’s going to be good.
He pulls me to his chest and kisses my nose, a gesture he’s never made before. For some reason, it fills me with so much emotion that I have to forcibly keep myself from crying and holding onto him tightly. “I’m teasing you. I’m sure it’ll be perfect. How was your day today?”
“It…could have been better. I talked to Lance,” I tell him hesitantly.
He sharply exhales through his nose. “Did you now?”
“Yes, and it didn’t go well. He pretty much said our friendship was over.”
“Sounds like it went well to me.”
I sigh. “James…”
“Fine,” he grumbles. “I’m sorry. I’m not going to lie and say I don’t prefer it this way, but I am sorry that it’s causing you pain. I never want that for you.”
“I know it just really sucks. We’ve been friends since I was a teenager. I never thought it’d end like this.”
“Yes, well, he has been more aggressive than even I pegged him for. It’s best to let sleeping dogs lie, I suppose.”
“I know you’re right, but it still sucks. I just…” I swallow the knot in my throat and blink away the sudden onset of tears. “I feel like I’m slowly losing everyone, one by one, and it’s making me anxious. I try to keep a brave face after losing my dad because I didn’t have much of him, to begin with, but it still hurts, and now Lance…I can’t lose any more people,” I cry.
I feel arms wrap around me, squeezing me tightly in a way that eases the pain in my chest. “There’s no time limit or pain limit on losing a parent,” James says. “Your dad was important to you. Whatever you feel is valid. I barely knew my father, and I still feel his loss. It’s in everything that I do. I can’t pretend to relate or grieve your friendship with Lance, but I’ll take your pain and hold it so it’s not as heavy. Lean on me. I’m not going anywhere.”
I nod and rub my cheek against his chest. “You can lean on me too, you know. If your pain ever gets to be too much.”
He grazes my cheek with his thumb, looking down at me so softly that I wonder how I ever thought he was so cold. “I appreciate that, babe. Is there anything I can do for you right now? You look very sad, and I’m not a fan of it,” he says in a lighter tone, bringing a smile to my face.
I swallowed down my pain that I didn’t want to put a damper on our evening. “You can eat my dinner,” I say, turning back to the stove and flipping the sandwich onto a small plate for him.
He eyes it skeptically and takes the plate, sitting on the island with it in front of him. He looks around as if looking for silverware, and then his forehead crinkles. He looks back at the sandwich and picks it up with his hands. I laugh as I watch him take a hesitant bite and slowly chew.
“Well?” I ask impatiently.
“It’s not bad,” he says honestly, looking up at me with nervous eyes. “Will you be cooking tomorrow?”
I laugh, shaking my head. “No, you can have your precious fancy food made by your fancy chef tomorrow.”
“We’ll compromise. Two nights a week, you can cook. How does that sound?”
“Sounds fair,” I agree, sitting beside him with my plate.
He looks at me seriously now, his hand finding mine and holding it. “I do like it, babe. It’s just been a terribly long time since I’ve strayed out of my comfort zone with…anything in my life. I plan on doing it more now that I have you, but please…be patient with me.”
I lean in, kissing him gently. “Of course. Patient is my middle name.”