Chapter Nine
Emmet
Seeing Adam with his kids threw me off kilter. I don’t know why; it wasn’t that big of a deal. I mean, they’re just kids.
But they’re his kids. He made them. They are part of him.
And they’re cute as fuck. I don’t know if you’re supposed to say that about kids, because fuck is a rough word, but damn, they are beautiful.
That little boy looks so much like Adam, and Judy definitely looks like her mom, except for her eyes.
She has Adam’s crystal blue eyes, and she is going to kill men with those things when she gets older.
Adam is so screwed.
“We all good to open?” Pete asks, popping his head into the office.
“Yeah, all good here,” I say.
“You hanging out all night tonight?”
I raise a brow. “Why? You trying to do illegal shit?”
He chuckles. “No, you’re just here all the time. You should, I don’t know, go out or something.”
I shake my head. “This place needs a lot of work if I plan to make a living off it.”
“And one night won’t kill you. It’s beautiful tonight. Go walk around the pier or something. Make some friends. Get some fresh air. Eat a fucking hot dog.”
Leaning back in my chair, I watch him with a smirk. He waves me off, then leaves.
It doesn’t sound like a bad idea, and I don’t hate the idea of a hot dog, honestly.
Walking around wouldn’t be terrible, it just sucks doing it alone.
Going out and making friends would be a good idea, but I don’t have time for friends and honestly, I’m not great at making them.
I spot my cell on the desk and pick it up.
My bartender is kicking me out.
Adam
Rude.
Adam
But why?
He says I need to go make friends.
Adam
Not a bad idea.
I consider inviting him out, asking if he wants to take the kids to go get food or something, but I don’t want to impede on his time with them. He doesn’t see them much, and I doubt he wants me around and in the way when he does. If he wants me around at all.
Maybe next time you don’t have the kids, we can do something.
The bubbles bounce, stop, bounce again. I stare at my phone, but nothing comes in. So I shut my laptop down, pocket my phone, and grab my keys to head out to the bar.
“Hey, Bar Daddy!” Nathanial shouts as I step out from the back room. He whistles loudly too.
I roll my eyes and wave at him and the guys. “Call if you need anything,” I tell Pete.
“Bar Daddy is being demanding!” Nathanial shouts, and I get out of there before he says something that makes me blush.
I am starting to learn, though, the more I give it back, the more they settle.
I just feel like I need to establish myself first, before I let loose.
Let them know that I’m taking all this seriously, and that it isn’t all fun and games just yet.
I’ll have time to get friendly with them when the bar is where I want it to be.
When I get into my car, my phone dings with a text.
Adam
Sure.
Sure? That’s it? Just a sure?
I drop my phone onto the passenger seat and rest my head on the steering wheel.
Maybe coming here for him was a mistake.
When I get to the pier, I realize Pete was fucking with me.
Though it’s still busy, there is next to nothing going on around here.
I search the internet and learn most of the good stuff happens starting in May.
There is absolutely nowhere to get a fucking hot dog over here, which is really annoying because now I really want one.
So I sit in my car for a while and stare out at the water. Maybe if the bar ends up doing well, I can buy a boat. Sitting out in the water, not being bothered by anyone, sounds so good. Especially with a hot dog.
One day, maybe.
Music plays quietly from my car stereo as I watch the waves and people coming and going from the restaurants. They all look to be having the time of their lives, laughing and chatting with friends and loved ones.
I haven’t really had a friend since Adam.
It was always him, when we were younger, and when he left, I broke.
I didn’t know what to do with myself, I didn’t know how to act or who to be.
It’s like I couldn’t function without him.
Of course, I moved on eventually. I figured out how to keep going in life.
I had Dominic and my parents and the kids they continued to foster.
Plus, I had my dad’s bar that kept me busy most of the time.
It was always so easy to bury myself in work.
But then Mom got sick, and I lost everything.
First it was the kids they fostered, because even though they were much younger than me, I helped out where I could.
Then it was them, as all their time was taken up at doctor’s appointments and chemo treatments while I kept the bar going.
Then the bar went because no matter what we did, it still wasn’t enough money. It was never enough.
When they left to go to Florida, I was left with nothing. I had to move on all on my own. For the first time in my life, I was alone.
I don’t remember how I came across the bar for sale in Seattle, but it felt like a sign. Like a fresh start. Like a way to get my life on track. Now, here I am, thirty-two, still alone, but in charge of a bar that very well could ruin me, and all before the holidays.
My mother will not be here for much longer, but if I could have just one more Christmas with her, I’d be thankful forever. Just one more, that’s all I ask.
I stare down at my phone and know what I have to do.
I’ll be there for Christmas. Promise.
Dad
That will be so wonderful love you son.
Love you too
With a heavy sigh, I put my car in drive and go in search of a place I can get a hot dog.
The Dogg seems as good a place as any, so I head downtown. It’s raining heavily by the time I get there, and I hurry inside. I should invest in an umbrella. I don’t know how I came here without one or haven’t gotten one yet. Maybe because I spend most of my time in the bar and not out in public.
I sit in the small booth in the back corner that has enough room for two people. The place is busy, with most of the other booths and tables full, and a long line of people to the door for take out.
“Hey, afternoon.” The waiter puts down a menu in front of me. “Do you need a minute?”
“Yeah, please.”
“Sure thing. I’ll be right back.”
He leaves, and I look through the menu, deciding on the hot dog flight because it looks like fun, and I think what Pete was trying to tell me is that I don’t have fun.
I guess I don’t, but it’s not really a problem. I have a lot going on.
When the waiter comes back, I put in my order.
He smiles brightly, then gives me that look.
Like he’s interested. I get it often, and have through the years.
I don’t know what it is about me that attracts guys.
That’s not true. I know exactly what it is, which is why it never means anything.
It’s not about me and who I am, it’s about how I look.
I’m a big guy, long hair, beard. I look like I’d be a good time in bed.
I know this because it’s what I’m always told.
It’s the only thing anyone ever wants from me.
It was the same with Adam, even though it was different. Or was it? When I wanted more, he pushed me away, but while we were together, it felt different. I know it was. It had to be. Or else… why would I be here? Why even come at all?
But now I can’t help but wonder if it’s a lost cause.
I haven’t been here long, and I haven’t tried much with Adam, but then again, his life is busy and full.
Too much to include me. I mean, I asked him to hang out, and I got a sure in response.
I’m not an idiot. I know that means “I don’t really want to, but I guess we can.
” And I’m sure if I bring it up again, I’ll be met with excuses.
Maybe hooking up with guys wouldn’t be the worst thing to do. In fact, maybe it will help me get over Adam.
But then I remember how I felt the last time I did it—well, the last time I tried. It wasn’t great. In fact, it was awful and one of the most embarrassing nights of my life. Nothing was working—and I mean nothing.
I was sure I was ready to hook up with someone, to move on from everything with Adam. My body responded well… until it didn’t.
The guy was hot as hell, completely my type, but when I saw him naked, all I could think about was how he wasn’t Adam and it was all wrong.
My dick had never gotten so soft, so fast in my life.
He tried to help, stayed positive, but finally I gave up.
It wasn’t worth the stress or the effort.
He told me it was okay, and he left, then I never talked to him again.
I try not to think about it because there are too many confusing thoughts I have around it—like that I’ll never be with anyone if I can’t be with Adam.
It was a thought that I used to love because I love him, but after some time, that thought became dreadful because it meant I would end up alone.
But I don’t want to be alone.
What happens if I end up sick like my mother and have no one to help take care of me or offer emotional support?
And less negatively and more simply… I want to be happy, and I’m not so dense to believe that I am.
I just feel like I’m going through the motions of life, and that’s it.
Like I’m a side character in someone else’s story.
The waiter brings me my food and asks if I need anything else. I tell him no, and he hesitates for a moment before leaving. He’s a good enough looking guy, and I’m sure he’d be a hell of a time, but he’s just not for me.
I eat my food as I browse news articles and social media. When I’m finished eating, the waiter comes back and puts down the slip before picking up my empty plate. I pull out my card and hand it to him before he leaves.
“So, I’m sorry if this is weird, but I think I’ve seen you before.”
I look up at him. “Oh?”
“Yeah, at The Butterfly?” He grabs the receipt and my card.
“Yeah, I own it.”
“Oh,” he says, drawing out the word. “So you’re the Bar Daddy.”
Fucking Nathanial.
I huff out a laugh. “Yeah, that’s me… apparently.”
He smiles, nodding as he walks away. When he brings me back my card, I find his number written on the back of my receipt. I stare at it for a long moment before I pocket it and head back to my car.