Chapter 15
Chapter Fifteen
Emmet
I should hide out at home when I want to be alone, but it’s too empty. I need the sound of people and things going on or it drives me crazy. I’ve tried the TV at home, but it isn’t the same. Plus, I have a lot of work to do, so the bar is where I need to be.
It’s a Thursday night, and it’s busy as hell. I love that. The week is steady, but the weekends are when we have a huge crowd—though, it could be bigger.
Adam texted me about an hour ago, asking if I was here. I haven’t answered, and I already told Pete that if he shows up and for some reason asks, to tell him I’m not.
I can’t handle another loss right now. Being there when my mother died was a lot—too much. I thought coming back here would make things easier. She wanted me to be happy and move on, and leaving would allow me that. I’d be doing exactly what she wanted.
But this world is so fucking lonely.
I realize that more now, after spending time with them, after waking up to other people in my house, after hearing my father’s laughter, and after hugging him for hours because he’s alone too.
I begged him to come with me or to let me stay there. He was firm in saying no. He’d prepared himself for this, and he has friends in the community who will help him. I’m young and need to work on the bar and find a man to love and do all the things that make me happy.
If only it were so simple.
I appreciate my parents for being strong and knowing what I’m capable of—if only I could know it too.
I came to Seattle with the intention of winning Adam back, but now that I’ve seen his life, it’s not as easy as I thought it would be.
Though, I hadn’t really thought about it at all, if I’m being honest. I just did it, which was probably stupid, considering I had no plan.
I was chasing after love blindly because that’s all that mattered… love.
It’s not like I can declare that we’re together because I’m here; he needs to agree too. I ignored that part, maybe as an excuse to get here. I don’t know anymore. My head is fuzzy with static and no clear thoughts. I’m anxious and antsy and I can’t sleep even though I’m so fucking tired.
I don’t know what to do and I have no one to talk to.
No one. I have no friends here—or anywhere for that matter.
I have nothing but my bar and the life I need to make for myself—the life waiting for me in the future somewhere.
It’s so fucking lonely.
I could go out there and talk to Adam and be happy with the little scraps he gives me.
It wouldn’t even be intentional. I bet he has no idea I’m still so in love with him.
But that’s the problem. Everything he does is a question in my head.
Is he talking to me because he loves me too?
Or is it because he’s being nice? Will I look into things too much, fall harder, and then be devastated when he lets me down?
And in the end, I’ll be the one to blame because it was all in my head?
I don’t know how to just be friends with Adam, but if that’s all I can get, I should take it.
Still, I can’t get my feet to walk out the door and go to him.
I’m sure he’s still sitting there at the bar.
Pete said he’s been coming here more often.
I guess he would, now that he isn’t working and traveling back and forth to California.
And I’m sure he still only has his kids on the weekends, so that leaves him with plenty of time through the week.
The minutes slowly tick by, turning into hours, and before I know it, it’s closing time.
“Everyone is gone,” Pete says. “You good?”
I nod. “I’ll be leaving in a few.”
“Good night,” he says, then grabs his jacket and umbrella. The door closes a moment later. If I’m not going to leave right this moment, I should lock the doors behind him so no one comes in, but I really should leave. It’s late. So I pack up my things, and head out the door.
“I knew it!”
I whirl around, the heavy rain making it difficult to see who is speaking, even with the street lights on. Maybe some lights out here wouldn’t be a bad idea. I can do that when I fix the sign and repaint the building, because this could be dangerous.
The man steps closer to me, and I finally make out who it is through the heavy downfall.
Adam.
“I knew you were here. Why didn’t you answer me?”
He’s close enough that I can smell the alcohol on his breath.
“I was busy,” I say as I lock the door.
“Too busy for me?” he says harshly, as if he’s offended.
“I have a lot going on, Adam. I’m sorry.”
“That isn’t good enough!” he shouts, stepping closer to me. “You’re the only person I have right now.”
I frown, not knowing what the hell that means.
Drunk talk, I guess. People get sad when they’re drunk. They do stupid things when they’re drunk, like say things they don’t mean and then later regret.
Whatever he says right now, it’s not real.
“You gave me your number so we could talk and hang out, yet you’ve ignored me for over a week. What is going on?” he pushes.
It’s on the tip of my tongue to spill everything to him, but nothing comes out. Nothing at all.
“Emmet!” he shouts, giving me a shove.
I don’t understand what he’s so mad about. Just because I haven’t talked to him in a week? I mean, I get being frustrated, but we only just started talking again. This can’t be just about that, can it?
“I don’t know what you want me to say,” I say.
“Tell me why you don’t like me!”
My chest tightens at those words.
If only he knew how wrong he was.
If only he knew how much I love him.
If only he knew that I breathe for him.
His hair is sopping wet, and so are his clothes. Thick drops of water slide down his face, and I’d love nothing more than to lick each and every one of them up. I’d spend more time around his lips, because they’re so full and so soft and I miss the hell out of them.
“I just have a lot going on,” I repeat, not wanting to put any of my shit on him.
He’s dealing with his own stuff; he doesn’t need to deal with me too.
As much as I want him in my life, I can’t have him around just for someone to unload on.
He deserves the good parts of me, which I haven’t seen in a long time.
I need to find those pieces of me to give to him.
I thought I was ready for that when I came here, because my mother urged me to do so and told me I was. But after losing her… I’m not so sure anymore.
“Emmet—” He moves closer to shove me again, his hands on my chest, but he doesn’t apply pressure.
His hands stay there, pressing against my now soaked shirt.
The heat of his palms soak through, seeping into my skin.
His gaze dips to my mouth and stays there.
He doesn’t try to hide it, doesn’t pull away.
His eyes fall shut and he swallows hard. Then his head falls forward.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers, so low I almost don’t hear him over the pounding of the rain.
“You have nothing to be sorry for,” I say, trying to calm my own erratic heart.
He shakes his head, his hands sliding down my chest until they rest at his sides.
I want to grab them and throw them around my neck, spin him around and slam him against the wall so my body can press against his.
I want his warmth on me. I want to explore every bit of him, relearn every curve, taste every inch.
Taking a deep breath, he opens his eyes and finds mine. “I want to be friends. I need a friend,” he says desperately.
“So do I,” I admit, hating myself for it. I don’t like being weak, especially in front of him. I was always the one to take care of him, and I cannot let him think he has to take care of me. I don’t need to be a burden on him.
His lips turn into a small smile. “Good.” He steps back, taking another deep breath. “You should come by on Saturday.”
“Come by…”
“My house. The kids and I are having a pizza night. We’re going to make pizza from scratch. I may burn the house down, but I’d love for you to be there.”
“So I’ll burn to the ground too?”
He barks out a laugh, his eyes shining.
“I’ll bring my fire extinguisher,” I add.
His smile grows. “Thank you.”
And then he turns toward his house, disappearing into the darkness and downpour of rain, leaving me alone.
But this time… it doesn’t feel so lonely. Because I have a friend.