Chapter 41
Chapter Forty-One
Emmet
Maybe I’m being irrational. Maybe he’s right, and this has nothing to do with me at all, and I should mind my own business. It’s his life and his kids. His ex and her boyfriend.
But I don’t want to. I want it to be my business, and I want it to have everything to do with me because I want to be in Adam and his kids’ lives. I want a family with them. It’s what I’ve always wanted with him.
Why is that so hard for him to see?
Unless… this isn’t about him just seeing it but him telling me it’s not what he wants.
But he said he wanted it. He said he wants us together, and he wants to come out to people. So, what the hell is the issue? Fuck, why does this have to be so difficult?
“You okay, Bar Daddy?”
I blink a few times, Nathanial’s face coming into view.
“Fine, why?”
“I think you’ve scrubbed the varnish off the counter top.”
I look down at the counter, at the spot I’ve been wiping for way too long, if Nathanial’s comment is any indication. I run a hand through my hair, while dropping the cloth back into the sanitizer bucket.
“Yeah, just… stuff.”
“Relationship stuff?” he asks with a sad smile.
I watch him for a moment, then say, “You should be a therapist.”
He huffs out a laugh. “Wish I could. So, you need me to beat someone up?”
Now I laugh, because the thought of him beating anyone up is laughable.
“I’m offended,” he pouts.
“No, you’re not.”
“You’re right, but still. I could fight someone if I needed to.”
“I’m sure you could, Nathanial.”
I head into the back room and don’t miss Nathanial call after me, “I could! If you want me to, just let me know!”
He’s a good guy. The guys are all good guys.
I appreciate their help and support in all this because it hasn’t been easy.
This bar is important to them, and they easily could have made my life hell, but they didn’t.
Sure, they joke around with me and are way too inappropriate at times, but they mean well.
They’re just having fun. Most importantly, they care.
They’re loyal as hell, and will go to bat for anyone in their circle—or even anyone who needs it.
I wish I had that. I’ve never had that before, and I so desperately want someone who’s loyal to me.
Growing up, my life was a revolving door.
New foster kids every month, sometimes every week.
The ones who left, I almost never spoke to again.
Some stayed around for a while, but most were there for a short time.
I had friends in school, but no one ever understood me.
I always tried to befriend those who were living with me because they didn’t have anyone else.
Most of them were around my age, and I don’t know if my parents did that on purpose or not, but because of it, I took them under my wing at school and showed them that not all kids are assholes.
A lot of the kids would make fun of them for not having families, which is beyond cruel, but I always stood up for them.
Sometimes being selfless is lonely, but I never regretted it.
And I don’t regret it now either, I just wish things were different. I wish I had people to lean on. I wish I had friends. I wish I had Adam at my side the way I always imagined he would be.
I thought we were on the road to where I want to be, but I was wrong. And maybe we just aren’t meant to be together at all. Maybe we’ll never be more than this.
At what point do I give up and let it go? At what point am I going to be strong enough to stop holding onto hope and see what’s right in front of my face?
I love Adam, but I deserve the life I want, and I’m not sure he’s willing to give it to me.
I’m tired of hiding who I am and waiting for the perfect time to live the life I want.
But I know myself, and I’m just not ready to give up on him yet.
I ring the bell four times before the hallway light turns on, telling me someone is coming down the stairs. Adam pulls the door open. His hair is ruffled, eyes full of sleep.
“Hey,” he says, voice raspy.
“Can we talk?”
“Yeah, of course.”
He steps aside to let me in and I head right upstairs and into his apartment.
“Sorry, I fell asleep.”
“You don’t have to be sorry.”
He closes and locks the door, then heads into the living room.
I follow him, and we sit on opposite ends of the couch.
We avoid eye contact for far too long, staring at the floor or our hands or the walls.
I need to be the first one to talk, but there is so much on my mind I don’t know where to start.
But I need to be the one to do this, I need to be the one to fix this.
So I shift my leg up, bending it at the knee to rest on the couch so I can put my back to the arm and face him.
He looks up, still tired and maybe sad too.
“I don’t know how to have this conversation,” I admit.
To which he quickly adds, “You’re breaking up with me.”
“No,” I blurt out. “No, I’m not.”
He lets out a relieved sigh. “I was sure you were, but I’ll be honest, I don’t understand why.”
I close my eyes, taking a steadying breath. I can’t get mad about this, I just need to explain.
“Adam,” I start, then take a moment to collect my thoughts better.
“Adam,” I say again. “When I told you that I still love you, I meant that. When I told you it’s only ever been you, I meant that too.
I came here for you, with hope in my heart that we could be together.
I knew it was possible I’d never find you, or you’d want nothing to do with me, or we’d only be friends, but then this happened.
Maybe I’ve gotten ahead of myself, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I have never been so sure of anything in my entire life.
Us, Adam. I am so sure about us, it’s scary. ”
He stares at me, not saying a word, and maybe not breathing. But I continue because I need to say this and he needs to hear it.
“You can’t blame me for being worried after what happened last time.
I know what your life consists of, and I want to be part of it.
I want all in, Adam. I need you to hear me when I say that I am all in with you and your kids.
I’m tired of hiding, and I understand this isn’t easy for you, but hell, I need to know it’s what you want too.
Not just me and us, but all of it. A family. ”
He blinks, eyes watering. “I’m sorry,” he chokes out.
“I didn’t—“ Looking away, he clears his throat. I want to move to him, but I’m not sure it’s the right thing to do in this moment.
He looks back at me. “It’s not fair to keep you on the outside, but I don’t know how to do this any other way. It’s always been just me. I—”
“No!” I say, getting to my feet. “Don’t you see that’s the problem?
It’s never been just you, Adam. I’m right here.
I’ve always been right here. You chose to leave, and I came back, and you’re doing it to me again.
” I throw my arms out wide. “I am standing right in front of you, offering everything I have to give, same as I did last time, and you have the audacity to tell me you’re alone. ”
His face falls, looking a mix of offended and confused.
“I need to know what you want, Adam. Actually, no—“ I shake my head. “I don’t need to know what you want, I need to know what you’re willing to give. Because maybe you aren’t strong enough to go for what you want, but I am.
I know what I want, and I have no problem taking it.
” I gesture around. “As you can see. But I can’t do this alone. ”
“This is a lot, Emmet,” he says softly.
My anger flares, coming from the hurt that’s in my chest, but I push it away and keep calm.
“I get that, Adam, and I am trying to be patient, but I’m not sure how much longer I can be a secret to you. I don’t know how much longer I can be kept on the outside of your life, watching and waiting for you to let me in. Maybe… maybe this just isn’t the right time for us.”
He wipes beneath his eyes, the tears leaving wet marks on his beautiful skin.
“Maybe it’s not.”
My heart shatters right then. I’m frozen, my veins turning to ice. My feet have grown roots, planting me to the ground. I can’t move. But I have to because I certainly can’t stay here.
We’ve been down this road, and I need to stop while I’m ahead. If I let this go any further, I won’t come out okay on the other side of it all.
So for the second time today, I walk out the door, and this time, I don’t look back.