11. Piper
PIPER
Strawberry Springs Neighborhood Watch
Tammy Jane: Did I just see the new girl running out of The Reserved Bean with coffee all over her? Damn, what did Theo do . . .
Comments:
Kelsey Marie: Mom, this is one of those times you delete a post.
Tammy Jane: Well shit. How the hell do I do that?
Kerry Winsor: I saw too! She was crying, so we should probably delete this.
Kerry Winsor: In other news, Tammy, can I DM you about something?
Jade Clark: Real subtle, Kerry . . .
Kerry Winsor: What! Can I not have discussions in DMs?
Tammy Jane: What the hell is a dm?
Scarlett appeared on the screen and I let out a sigh of relief. Her hair was messier than usual and she was in an old-looking hoodie, but I was lucky she was even able to see me at all.
When she told me she offered emergency sessions, I’d assumed I would never need to use them.
Today proved me wrong.
My skin burned from hot coffee that had spilled on me. My mind was a complete mess even hours after my panic attack. After the memories of the past receded, all I could do was think of what I’d let happen.
And now, I was so angry at myself that I knew I needed to talk.
“Hi, Piper.” Scarlett’s voice was as it always was, and it soothed some of my nerves. “What’s going on today?”
“I can’t do this.” I shook my head, tears immediately springing to my eyes. “I can’t get over the anxiety. I can’t function on my own.”
Scarlett’s eyes went wide. She’d seen me talk about some of the worst points in my life. Most of the time, I kept it together.
This was not one of those times.
“A toddler ran into me today,” I continued. “A little, tiny child. And I lost it. I almost let coffee fall on her.” I squeezed my eyes shut. “I don’t understand why it’s not getting any easier. I’m trying so hard. I’m doing everything I can.”
“You are.” Her voice was measured, but I couldn’t look up at her. I was worried she would say the words I couldn’t hear.
“And I’m miserable! I’m miserable in Knoxville. I’m miserable here. I just want to be . . . normal. And I can’t. I just can’t.” My head fell down to the table as the weight of it all hit me.
I’d tried to get it together before this appointment, but I couldn’t. I was mortified. Sad. All of it, and none of the emotions would go away. I wanted this. So why couldn’t I do it?
“Piper, you are doing everything you can.” Scarlett spoke slowly, something she always did when she wanted to get her point across. “I’ve seen you go out to bars, move to a new city, and face this the best you can. You’re brave.”
“So, why is it not getting better?”
Scarlett took a breath. “It’s very possible that this is a chemical imbalance, as anxiety often is.”
My eyes squeezed shut again. So was that it? I just couldn’t do this? I couldn’t ever let people touch me? I couldn’t ever find a partner or have kids?
“I’m screwed then.” My voice cracked. “Amazing.”
“No, you’re not. Do you remember when we first started and we discussed medication for your anxiety?”
I paused. The second she’d suggested it, I’d shaken my head and told her it wasn’t for me.
“Yes,” I replied after a moment. “I said I wasn’t interested.”
“And I respect that, but we never discussed why.”
I swallowed, body tense as I answered. “I want to do this on my own.”
“And do you think medication means you’re not the one doing it?”
“Well, no. But it’s . . .” I paused, searching for words. Scarlett raised her eyebrows. Usually, I didn’t struggle with knowing what to say. “It’s a substance.”
“That’s one way of looking at it. Is that your issue with it?”
“I don’t want to need anything to exist. My dad used way too many things to forget, often with terrible results. After seeing that, I can’t follow in those footsteps.”
“That makes sense,” she replied. “But there’s one issue. The goal of medication isn’t to make anyone forget anything. It’s a tool.”
“But it would numb it.”
“That’s not what it should do,” she replied. “The goal is to help you function. Would you call what you do now functioning?”
I wished I could fight her on it, but I couldn’t. “No.”
“You need help. That’s why you’re talking with me. And you’ve done the best you can.”
“And it’s not enough.”
“This isn’t a failure,” Scarlett said. “I need you to know that.”
“My whole adult life feels like a failure.” My voice rose in pitch as I said it. “I hear you, I do. But this fear just feels like it’s getting worse. I’m so scared.”
“It’s a change,” she said softly. “That’s always scary.”
“I just . . . I can’t be like my dad, Scarlett. I can’t.”
“Let me ask you something,” she said. “Did your father go to therapy?”
That finally got me to look up. “No.”
“Did he go to a doctor to get what he used?”
“. . . No.”
She smiled softly. “I know it’s hard to take this step after what you’ve seen from your father. I know it’s scary to do something new, especially if it could change things negatively. But it might help. Do you think that it’s worth a try?”
I looked at my hands. They were clenched so tight that my skin protested. My entire body hurt from what I’d put it through, and my anxieties weren’t even gone yet.
“How would it work?” I asked.
“I have a colleague that I recommend and respect. She’s incredible, and patient, which I think would benefit you. I would send your information to her and recommend she see you as soon as she can. She would evaluate you and offer options. Then you choose what you want.”
I was silent for a long moment, and I bit my lip. “Can I think about it?”
Scarlett nodded. “Of course. I’ll email you with her information.”
“Thank you,” I replied.
“Now, tell me the details about what happened. We can use the remaining time to try to get you feeling better.”
I wasn’t sure anything would help me feel better, but I did what I was asked. Scarlett gave me the same advice I already knew. The same advice that worked in theory, but never helped in the moments I needed them.
When the appointment was over, I tried to breathe through my anxiety.
It didn’t work.
Joey had told me to call him if I was upset. I almost did, but I knew what he would say.
She’s pushing you too hard. Come home.
Even in my own misery, I didn’t want to. I wanted to beat this.
The email with Scarlett’s colleague’s information came through and I looked her up. She had glowing reviews, just like Scarlett did. People said that they felt so much better.
I wanted that too, but I was terrified of needing anything to get there.
Pulling my phone out once more, I almost called Joey. Or Mitch. But it was their shared day off. They would be together.
And I wasn’t sure their advice would help.
Then I went to a different contact.
Piper
If there was something I could do to help me feel better, should I do it?
I bit my lip as I waited for a response.
Theo
What kind of thing is this? Legal or illegal?
Piper
Legal. Totally and completely legal. Through a doctor. To help with anxiety.
He typed for a long time. I wondered if he was about to tell me this was a bad idea.
Theo
Is that what you want?
Piper
I want to function. I’m not functioning right now, and I don’t know what else to do.
Theo
Then why are you hesitating?
This time, it was me who took a long moment to respond.
Piper
I feel like I’d be using something to get better. Even if it’s something as small as anxiety medication.
There. I’d fully said what it was.
Theo
I’ll be blunt here. People use other things to avoid dealing with their anxieties. That’s not what you’re doing here. You’ve been facing them head-on.
Theo
And if I ever think you’re going too far with it, I’ll tell you.
I blinked at the text, feeling my chest warm as I read it over and over. There was something about the kind of support Theo offered that I loved. With Joey, he wanted to solve my problems. Theo was just . . . here.
I never realized how much I liked the way Theo did it.
Piper
Thank you. I’d really appreciate that. Wish me luck.
And then I went back to my email and requested an appointment with Scarlett’s colleague.