Chapter 11
CHAPTER
ELEVEN
AUbrEY
I felt like a different person. The weight of the collar at my throat, the metal almost fitting like a second skin, was… strange.
It was different than being claimed, different than giving myself over to someone. Phoenix had completely possessed me, consumed me. It was so easy to fall into the role of attack dog… Killer. It was a different kind of pain to let him talk to me like I was an object. But fuck me, it felt good.
It felt amazing to be someone other than Aubrey Malcolm. I’d spent eight years pretending I was Bishop when I was in the Order.
And now I was pretending I was a raider.
I didn’t know who I was anymore.
What I did know was that the hotel was hooked up to solar panels, and there was running water in the bathroom, even if it was lukewarm and a bit murky.
It wasn’t tinged red, which meant there’d been some kind of filtration system hooked up at some point.
Even if the people around here grew up in a city that had more rain than not, we still did our best to avoid it when we could.
Intentionally exposing yourself to rain was too much like tempting fate, too much like giving yourself over to being a complete animal.
I ran my hand under the murky water and waited to see if it tingled against my skin.
I didn’t feel more violent; I didn’t feel like I needed to fuck.
The water on my skin didn’t wake up any of the primal urges that the red rain did.
It was just water. It wasn’t perfect, but it was enough to wash the smell of blood and sex from my skin.
When I came out again, Phoenix was waiting.
He stepped forward, checking to make sure the collar he’d put on me last night was still in place.
I told myself I’d kept it on because I didn’t want to piss him off and risk a repeat of the brutality that was still aching in my muscles with the most delicious burn.
His fingers trailed over the bite marks he’d left on my shoulder, and he lifted his eyes to mine curiously when he realized they were already half closed up, healing into neat scars days ahead of when they should.
“You really don’t break easy, do you?” He’d asked me the same thing that first night we’d met, hadn’t he? I dropped to the bed to pull on my boots as I answered.
“People keep trying, but here I am.”
My vision swam at the sight of his thick thighs as he stepped into me, and his fingers caught the edge of the metal around my throat to pull my attention up to his.
I was worried he was going to ask me why I was so resilient.
Instead, he had a little container in his hand, and I knew what he was going to do the second he dipped his fingers into it and brought them to my face.
Phoenix painted the mask of a raider back across my features, and the possessive look on his face while he did it made something inside me burn.
This…
I could be this Aubrey. This raider.
This Aubrey was so far from the man I’d been that it felt like I could breathe for the first time.
When he was done, he took the paint with him as he stepped into the shower. I waited until he was finished and dressed, then followed him out.
The smell of cooking meat told me that the rest of Phoenix’s group hadn’t let the men and women we’d killed go to waste.
My stomach churned when I noticed the half-butchered bodies piled up and burning on a separate fire—as much as I thought I was someone different, I still couldn’t accept the mysterious chunk of burned meat that was offered to me a few minutes later.
I turned to my bag instead. He hadn’t stopped me from slinging it over my shoulder this morning, like the collar around my throat was some kind of promise that I wouldn’t try to leave again.
He didn’t understand that it had nothing to do with the collar and everything to do with the driving need I had to clear Paradise, to bring it to life.
He had no idea that it had nothing to do with the metal and everything to do with the memory of his hand around my throat.
I didn’t want to think of either of the reasons. Instead, I dug into my bag and pulled out another pack of rations.
Phoenix rolled his eyes. “You’re going to run out of those eventually, you know. What are you going to do then?”
My eyes dropped back to the meat he brought to his lips, and I shrugged.
“I’ll worry about that when I get there.”
I’d spent years figuring out how to feed myself and I hadn’t resorted to eating a person yet. I was pretty sure I could manage the few weeks it would take us to clear out this place.
Only a few weeks. I had to tell myself that I couldn’t stay .
As much as some part of me was already craving the sensation from last night again—that numbness, the possession, the need to completely lose myself to submission—I knew it wasn’t something I could keep.
I knew better than to get attached to anything, because the world around me had the worst way of proving that nothing was really mine to keep.
Phoenix would be better off if I never made the mistake of thinking he was mine, and I’d be better off reminding myself that this was nothing but a moment in time—fire sparking and burning everything around us to ash.
Eventually it would burn out, and I’d have to move on.
“If we look around, I’m sure they have a map of this place somewhere.” I had no idea how he’d take to me making suggestions, but he held up a hand and motioned to the group around the fire.
“Blythe, has anyone found maps?”
The raider turned her dark eyes to me, and the smirk that curled at the corner of her mouth told me she knew exactly what we’d been doing.
Again.
Fuck, was every single person in this camp going to realize I was fucking their leader? Did it really matter?
I realized it didn’t. Shame wasn’t enough to make me give this up when it felt as good as it did. It wasn’t enough to make me stop when my body was still aching from the way Phoenix had fucked me like he wanted to run straight through me.
He’d left me boneless and thoughtless, and the lingering sensations of those feelings made it easy for me to offer Blythe a charming smile.
“We saw a board when we were clearing the left side of the buildings while you two were fighting that rabid.” Her eyes flicked to where the bear had been before, and I noticed it was gone.
Fuck. I really hoped that wasn’t what they were trying to feed me. I knew most of the animals were infected, though cooking the meat until it was almost too burned to enjoy cleared the risks. Still, that thing had been so far past gone it was rotting.
“Did you?—”
“We burned it. That shit was slimy. I’ll send Cutter for the map.
” She looked me over one more time, her eyes lingering on the collar at my throat.
When she turned and let out a low whistle, one of the younger raiders lifted his head.
His sandy hair was sticking up at odd angles, and his hazel eyes were full of warm irritation when they flicked to me.
He had a collar on too, though his was just a simple silver chain.
“How many of these people have you fucked?” The question came out before I could stop it, but Phoenix just smirked.
“What’s wrong? Jealous?”
I rolled my eyes, my fingers coming up to touch the collar he’d put on me last night. “No, I?—”
He grabbed my wrist in warning. I wasn’t going to tell him that I hadn’t been trying to take it off. There was something about the press of the metal that served as a reminder of who I was and who I wasn’t. Who I could never be again.
“Cutter. Zero. Cora. Does it really matter? I’m fucking you now.
” The warmth in his voice, the heat under the words, told me that if I wasn’t careful, he’d drag me into the room so he could do it again.
As much as the thought of getting lost in the pain was enticing, a bigger part of me wanted to get out and move .
I wanted the danger of unexplored areas, the threat of death. And even if I wouldn’t admit it, a small part of me craved how good it had felt to fight alongside Phoenix yesterday.
I didn’t let myself think of all the reasons it couldn’t feel good. I dropped my hand to my side and turned my eyes to him.
“You’re right. It doesn’t matter.” Before he could decide if I was saying what we were doing wasn’t important or not, I added.
“If we can find a map, we can at least scout the area. I’m sure there’s more than just one bear here.
Those raiders didn’t seem prepared, and it looks like they kept most of their shit here.
Who knows if they’ve even explored the rest of the resort, let alone secured it?
There could be other groups waiting for a fight.
” I tilted my head and looked at him through my lashes. “Why don’t we go find some trouble?”
I didn’t have to say the word together for it to burn along the edges of my question, and I didn’t feel bad that I was asking him to risk his life to go out and explore with me.
“Sure, Aubrey. Let’s take a walk.”
By the time we finished walking around the edge of the resort, we’d learned a few things. There was an old fence that ran most of the perimeter, though there were spots that looked like they’d been pulled apart that would need repairs if we wanted the location to be secure.
There was also an area that looked like it had been a moat on one of the outer edges.
It was in front of a drop-off and over a lot, and I had to imagine once upon a time they’d used it for decoration.
We didn’t have to look into it to hear the growling and snarling from the infected that had fallen in, and I didn’t want to get close enough to alert them we were here.
They were already so keen on sniffing out carriers that I had to wonder if the way their cries picked up was because they could sense us close .
They seemed stuck, though. The ladder that led down into the pit was long since gone.
We could worry about clearing them out later.
“We should probably head back. Fuck knows what the others are doing. Now that we have the lay of the place, we can make a plan for tomorrow.” There was only a small part of me that flinched at the word others .
I hated the way Phoenix and his raiders functioned better than the Order ever had—he talked about them like they were family, whereas I’d seen squad turn on squad the second one of them had shown signs they weren’t immune.
How were raiders better than the people who swore to protect the rest of us?
“Sure, let’s head back.”
As we were circling around to the entrance of the resort and my eyes were fixed on the map, silently calculating how many weeks it would take us to safely clear and secure everything, the sensation of something slamming me into a wall knocked the breath from my chest.
It took me a second to realize it hadn’t been something attacking me—instead, Phoenix had shoved me out of the way as an infected sprang forward.
It used to be a woman, and I wasn’t sure why I got caught up on the way her red hair matted with thick, dried blood to the side of her head, especially when one swing from Phoenix’s axe sent it flying from her shoulders.
“You really need to pay more attention, you?—”
I pulled my pistol, and Phoenix’s eyes widened as I aimed it at him. He didn’t try to stop me when I leveled it at his head, and he didn’t flinch when I jerked it to the right and put a bullet through the skull of the other rabid that had been chasing us.
“We should probably go. You know sound attracts—” It was my turn to have my words cut off.
Phoenix moved forward in three quick strides and crowded me against the barrier he’d thrown me into seconds earlier.
The concrete scraped against my palms when he threaded his fingers through my hair and jerked my head back.
“You nearly shot me.”
Fuck, he was too close. His lips were right there, almost pressed against mine, and I couldn’t deny the warmth tingling through my body at the proximity.
Phoenix was strong, and capable—fuck, he was the first person I’d met in a long time who actually seemed hard to kill.
And I…
I turned my head and felt the glide of his mouth tickle along my jaw. “I don’t miss when I shoot, Phoenix. If I ever try, it won’t be a nearly.”
The press of his lips against the side of my neck made me squirm. Of course he was horny. We’d just been attacked. He’d just killed an infected, and…
“Aubrey.” The purr of my name on his lips was too much. I bared my neck to him, knowing the glint of the sun would catch on the collar, and knowing that there was every chance my gunshot would draw more danger to us.
It didn’t matter.
The real danger was in the way he said my name, the way his hands roamed across my skin, trailing beneath my shirt and tickling along my sides. His blunt nails scraped across the scar on my ribs, and I let out a moan as his teeth set into my shoulder.
I could take getting attacked—I could kill a dozen infected.
But I wasn’t sure I could survive the weight of the ocean in his eyes when Phoenix looked at me like he wanted to know who I really was.