Chapter Thirty-Six
Ash
Imust have sat on my ass for all of five seconds before I sobered up, and realised he wasn’t playing. It was hot as fuck when he was jealous, and even more so when he was rough with me, but that wasn’t arousal on his face, just like that wasn’t a hard cock by the time he walked away.
This really bothered him. It hurt him. Fuck me, it wasn’t a game, or foreplay, this was real for him.
I scrambled up from the shower floor, wincing at the ache across my shoulders from landing so hard. I twisted the handle to switch off the water, and stepped out to grab a towel. All that was left was one that was barely big enough to wrap around my waist, but it had to do.
I marched across the hall to our bedroom, which come to think of it, was the master and also had a fucking bathroom of its own. Duh. I’d thought I was being so smart and spontaneous, but I was just a fucking idiot. Maybe more of an idiot than I’d ever realised before.
Cal was sitting on the bed, his head in his hands as he stared glumly at the carpet.
I hesitated in the doorway, wondering if approaching him now, and trying to discuss this right now, was the best move. Maybe I should be leaving him alone. But seeing him sitting there like that, looking so lost and confused, I knew I couldn’t leave him feeling that way.
“Cal?”
He groaned, but he wouldn’t look at me. Was he that bothered by this?
I was about to say something snarky about it, but then it hit me…
how the hell would I be feeling right now if I knew another man had sucked him off?
I’d want that fucker’s name so I could gut him like the pig he is.
Was Cal feeling anything approaching that level of fucking obsession for me?
“It was one time,” I said softly, approaching him warily, like he could turn into a fucking werewolf, and rip me to shreds. “It meant nothing, but it was back when I thought there was no fucking chance in the world that you’d even look at me.”
Cal’s eyes lifted then, but he was glaring fiercely at me. Probably not the best sign.
“I was a lonely, desperate gay kid, Cal. I was feeling all kinds of things, and desperate for someone, anyone to fucking see me. I went to a club,” I said, still approaching him in that tentative manner, instead of doing what I’d done other times, acting like a predator to him.
“Stop,” he whispered, but I knew I couldn’t. That I shouldn’t. Hearing this was important, because he had to see that it meant nothing, because it wasn’t him.
“I was drunk.”
“Please,” he gasped, shaking his head slowly, his eyes still fixed on mine. I dropped to my knees again when I reached him, but I didn’t touch him. Fuck me, I was so close to him, I could see water droplets still sliding down his chest, but it was the torment in his eyes that ate away at me.
“I loved you, Cal. I’ve been in love with you since we first met.
My family, we fall hard, and we fall forever.
There’s never going to be someone else for me.
Imagine feeling like that and knowing there’s no chance ever of it happening.
You were rejecting me every time I even tried to speak to you.
I needed someone to see me as something other than a nuisance or creep. ”
“I don’t want to hear this, Ash, please.”
“It wasn’t cheating.” I kept pushing him, because I had to say it now.
“You didn’t want me. Hell, he didn’t even want me.
He just wanted to suck off some virgin kid, and I let him.
I… I wanted to feel. Feel something other than hate, fear, or rejection.
Something other than being that creepy kid nobody wants to hang with.
You know how I always pushed the limits at school, and made a scene? ”
I watched him for a nod or something, because I knew he knew, but he just released a sharp breath and kept staring at me.
“Everything I did there was to be seen. To fucking exist. To have people remember me, as something, anything. Was I disruptive? Of course, but people talked about me. People cheered me on. So I tanked my future, so what. You were meant to be my future, but you showed me daily that I wasn’t yours. Would never be yours.”
Cal stared down at his hands as they clenched and released, his breathing faster, harsher.
“You didn’t want me,” I said, letting a little of the pain into my voice that I’d swallowed back for so fucking long.
“Ash,” Cal gasped, but I wasn’t done.
“One fucking blowie in a nightclub bathroom is all it was, and you know what? It wasn’t worth it in the end.
It didn’t leave me feeling seen. It left me feeling used.
Dirty. I went home, and showered twice, and cried all alone in my bed, because it wasn’t you.
My heart died a thousand fucking deaths because you never wanted me. ”
Cal’s hand darted out suddenly, and despite everything, I flinched. Despite the fact that I didn’t care if he hit me, that I enjoyed pain, that I’d let him touch me any way he wanted to. Something in that sudden movement shocked me.
He wasn’t hitting me though. He wasn’t doing anything bad at all, he was stroking my cheek, and I leaned into his touch, wanting more. Wanting everything.
“Ash, every day I went home to parents who beat the hell out of me if I even looked gay to them. All I wanted was to be me, and to be with you. They had me so fucking broken that I believed them when they said I was filthy and disturbed. They broke me daily, and now I find out I did the same to you.”
He hadn’t merely been stroking my cheek. He’d been brushing away tears. I was crying like some fucking pussy, but now so was he. Only on him it didn’t look weak. It was beautiful. It was heartbreaking. It was truth. It was real.
“I knew I was hurting you, I’m sorry. I really did care, and hate that I was being cruel, but I was so afraid.
They talked about sending me away, over and over, and I believed them.
They made me fear where they were sending me, and they were honest about that.
I was sent into hell, so I could be abused into being what they called normal.
All because I couldn’t let go of you in my heart. ”
Fuck me. I lifted up from sitting on my feet, and grabbed Cal’s face, pressing my lips against his. No tongues. No domination. No pushing him. Just a connection, because that’s what we both needed right now. To feel each other. To see each other.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered as I pulled back just enough to speak, our eyes so close to each other’s that he was blurred.
“Me too,” Cal murmured, pulling me back to his lips, but I fought it, because I had something I wanted more than this kiss.
“I love you, Cal. I need to say it, because I fucking need us both to hear it. I’ve loved you all my life. I’ll love you with the rest of it. Nobody else exists, you hear me?”
Cal’s fingers laced through my hair again as he nodded.
“Our love is forever, Ash. You’re mine. Mine to love, mine to share my life with. Mine to fuck. Mine to die with.”
Wow. He’d claimed me at last, but he wasn’t done. There was a devious look on his face that had appeared so suddenly I never actually saw it appear. Was it always there?
He flipped the towel open and pushed my head down toward his cock.
“Show me how fucking good it feels, Ash. Suck me, and make me fill your throat with cum.”
Jesus fuck, yes.
Cal
Every time I thought Ash was just obtuse, or twisted, he revealed a little more of his heart, and this time he literally plucked it out and set it on a platter, handing it to me without fear.
He knew I could refuse him yet again, but he risked it.
He risked it for love, and now that’s what I wanted to do.
Every day I wanted to remind him that we belonged together, because we’d survived so much already, and we’d keep surviving.
I didn’t need to press him down any longer, because he was willingly reaching for my cock as I spread my legs wider, and offered it to him. His fingers eagerly wrapped around it, and a shudder ran up my spine at his touch.
I wanted this. I wanted it so much. I wanted everything with him, but that niggly little voice in my head was back.
I’m not enough. He’ll tire of me, because he’ll realise he can do better. He’ll find someone who isn’t so damaged.
“Cal?”
I blinked out of my troubled thoughts, and met his dark eyes.
“Whatever the fuck’s going on in that head, just stop it. Focus on this.” He lowered his head again, and his mouth enveloped the head of my cock, sucking lightly as his tongue teased at the… fuck… that’s how it feels?
“Holy…”
“Nothing holy about this,” he whispered as he released my cock, circling the tip with his tongue, “actually scratch that, this is a fucking moment of reverence. This is my altar to worship at.”
His mouth took me again and I groaned, as both hands landed on the back of his head.
Not pushing, not rushing him, just connecting with him, with this act he was gracing me with.
I’d heard so much about blessings, but this was being blessed.
The things he was doing with his mouth, with his tongue… those were blessings.
His head suddenly dipped down so low I almost lost my grip on his hair, and with a choking sound, he pressed his face against my pelvis. What the fuck!
“Ash! Ash, stop, you’ll choke!” He made another gagging sound, and his throat flexed around my cock, and holy shit, I couldn’t hold back, my pleasure rearing up and filling me, in turn filling him, as my cum flowed into his willing mouth.
He pulled back as he swallowed, sucking all the way and sighing happily as he finally released me, his fingers stroking my length as he licked his lips.
“I… I’m sorry… I couldn’t… it felt so…”
Ash pressed his face against my thigh, chuckling softly, even though he still panted breathlessly. It was a ragged but intimate sound. He was undone because of what we’d just indulged in.
“Babe… that was… so… fucking… hot,” he gasped out between breaths, still stroking me lightly with his fingers.
“I… I didn’t really mean to come inside… I couldn’t stop.”
He rolled his head back, those dark eyes fixing on mine, so much pleasure and intensity there in his gaze. He looked perfectly at home at my feet, resting against me as if he’d been the one sated instead of me.
“Cal, don’t ever apologise for enjoying the things I do to you. I wanted exactly what happened. Your cum tastes fucking good.”
The idea of enjoying the taste of cum pretty much sent a ripple of distaste through my brain, making me grimace, but I rested a hand on Ash’s head, stroking his hair and he practically sagged against me.
It was as if being petted by me like this fulfilled something for him, but I had no idea what.
He was my only real sexual experience, and normally he took the lead.
Something about this though… he seemed more at peace than before.
Was it because we’d shared our feelings at last, and given in to what we’re feeling?
“Ash?”
“Mmm?” He sounded almost sleepy as he responded, his dark lashes fluttering as his eyes drifted closed.
“Ash, you didn’t get to… uh… get off.”
He chuckled softly, shaking his head.
“Don’t look down, babe, and watch where you walk.”
Oh yuck. He came on the carpet?
“Ash!”
Another chuckle, but he was getting so sluggish and relaxed as he rested against me that my leg was starting to slide outward, and we’d both end up in a pile on a cum-covered carpet if we weren’t careful.
“Get up here,” I murmured, and he groaned.
“Comfy here. Like it here.”
“Now.”
He heaved a huge sigh, and struggled up from the floor, flopping on the bed beside me, dragging me down with him until we were cuddled together on the bedding.
“You uh… seemed quite at home down there,” I said quietly, wondering if I should be voicing it at all, but I didn’t fully understand what it meant. He liked being in control, but that seemed like a total swap, with me taking the lead.
Ash sighed, pressing his face against my chest.
“I don’t mind going down, Cal. I actually like it, probably just because it’s you. You taste good.”
“I mean, down on your knees. You seemed, I dunno, peaceful.”
Ash groaned this time.
“Do we have to dissect everything right now? I’m all sleepy.”
I guess not. It was a conversation we could have anytime, right?