Chapter 4 Asch
ASCH
It’s been three hours since we returned from the memorial service, and I swear I can still feel Pandora’s lips on mine.
Kissing her had been stupid, but I’d let her get to me. That’s nothing new; she’s always had a way of getting in my head and lingering there. I need to be more careful, though, more vigilant, especially as her supposed revenge looms on the horizon.
She’s so wild, so unpredictable, that I don’t know which direction to look in to even see where she’ll be coming from. All I know is that she’s a threat — to me, and more importantly, to Blaze.
I don’t know what I’d do if anything happened to him. He doesn’t take my role as bodyguard seriously, but I do. Everything I do is to protect him, whether he wants to accept that help or not.
And if I don’t…
George Bouchard does not need to think that I’m expendable.
“How did she find out about the wake?” I ask Blaze, leaning against the kitchen counter. “She doesn’t know any of Franklin’s friends.”
Blaze shrugs and flips his eggs. “Beats me. Maybe she asked Sandra. Or River told her.”
“Why would she have bothered to show up? Especially after it was over?” My phone buzzes with a text, and I pull it out of my pocket so I can check the message.
My mom has been texting me even more than usual ever since the fire. If we’d had the money, I’m sure she’d have shown up in person to be sure I’m actually all right. If she knew what I’d been a part of after the fire…
I stop those thoughts in their tracks, send her a quick text back, then return my attention to Blaze.
“How am I supposed to know?” Blaze plates two of the eggs and hands them to me. “Here. You should eat. You get kind of bitchy when you’re hungry.”
“At least it’s just when I’m hungry. What’s your excuse?” I retort, grabbing two forks from the drawer by the sink and handing him one.
Blaze’s eyes narrow at me. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It’s called a joke,” I tell him.
“You’re not funny,” he retorts.
I can’t hide my irritation when I reply, “Neither is Pandora, but you laugh at her stupid jokes.”
Blaze slams his plate down on the table. “Sorry I find her amusing. She does this thing where she smiles when she tells a joke, and she isn’t dour and glum all the time. You might want to try it.”
The instant defense of Pandora has my hackles up — and the way he dismisses me so easily doesn’t help. This isn’t like Blaze. He only treats everyone else like shit.
Not me.
“I might be dour and glum, but at least I’m not an asshole,” I snap at him.
That makes Blaze burst out laughing.
I glare at him.
“Oh, wait, that part wasn’t a joke?” Blaze asks. “Yeah, go ask Pandora if she thinks you’re an asshole. Or maybe the sororities you helped terrorize. I think Tate and Brock might have some opinions about that too.”
That shuts me up, and it’s my turn to set my plate down on the counter entirely too hard. “Look,” I say, my voice tight despite how calm I’m trying to be, “we don’t need to fight. The last thing we need is to fall apart before Pandora even tries to come at us.”
Blaze grunts. “Yeah.”
He eats in silence, and I do the same. I wish it was our usual companionable silence. It’s anything but.
I keep going over the past few days. Zayden’s head. Burying the head. Finding Pandora in the basement. Blaze trying to hide what had been down there.
I frown.
I still don’t know why she was down there.
“Blaze—” I start, right as Blaze says, “Asch.”
We both stop and stare at each other.
“You go ahead,” Blaze says.
“What’s really in the basement?” I ask him. “Not that bullshit about accounting papers. What’s actually down there?”
Blaze rolls his eyes. “Just leave it, Asch. It’s got nothing to do with you.”
“Shouldn’t we be at least talking about why she was down there?
I can’t help with that if I don’t know what the hell is in that room to begin with.
” The camera in the corner hadn’t been a security camera, I’m sure of that.
It had been a tripod setup, which meant that pictures had been manually taken.
Pictures of what, though?
Blaze lets out a frustrated sound. “Why won’t you drop it? It’s none of your business.”
The words are like a slap in the face. “You do remember that I’m supposed to be a part of these things, right?
The frat, your family business?” I’d gone through hell to be a part of Kappa Alpha, and so much of my future rides on the Bouchard Syndicate.
“How am I supposed to do anything if I don’t know what’s going on?
I don’t want to be on the outside, Blaze. ”
“You could barely even handle Zayden’s head,” Blaze counters.
That isn’t true. I’d been fine.
“How are you going to handle anything worse than that? Not that there’s anything worse to talk about, but that’s the kind of shit you’d have to get used to if you’re a part of my family.” Blaze shakes his head. “Just be happy not knowing, okay?”
“How the hell am I going to get used to it if you don’t include me? Are you going to baby me right up until the time you drop me into the deep end, then say, oh, you couldn’t actually handle it after all?” The anger in the pit of my stomach is growing, and my cheeks flush hot with humiliation.
He doesn’t understand how much rides on my ability to handle that and worse.
Blaze gives me a strange half smile. “Why would you need to get used to it? You’re fine the way you are, Asch.”
He reaches out for me, but I slap his hand away.
“Obviously not,” I tell him. “I’m too grim and dour and weak to be a part of anything important.” I huff out a harsh laugh, then grab my plate, going to the sink so I can wash it. “Good to know where I fit in.”
I have the worst nagging feeling that he’d tell River before he told me.
That he might even tell Pandora before he told me, because she’s a fucking mafia princess who’s seen it all.
But that’s stupid.
“You’re being ridiculous,” Blaze argues. “It’s fine if you aren’t part of this. I never expected you to be. I don’t want you to be.”
I don’t turn around and look at him. I can’t stand to see his face right now. “I’m supposed to be this… this bodyguard for you. But that’s just bullshit, isn’t it? You’re only paying me because you feel sorry for me.”
Right now, I feel sorry for myself, too. I’m pathetic, and I’m acting like a little bitch, but the idea that I might not be a part of something has splintered into thousands of pieces.
It hurts more than it should.
“You aren’t my bodyguard, Asch. You’re my friend.” Blaze makes another sound. “I don’t know why you’re so upset right now. It’s not a big deal.”
I turn the water off and spin around to face him.
My head is pounding, and I can’t seem to calm myself down no matter how hard I try.
I don’t think he’s even capable of understanding why this is so difficult for me, and that makes it worse.
“So what am I supposed to do after graduation, Blaze?” I ask harshly.
“Your dad’s going to keep paying me to be your friend? ”
“You’re getting an econ degree, aren’t you?” Blaze smiles at me with that charming smile that probably won Pandora over the second time she’d met him. “You can find work at a company in New Valence.”
My heart drops into my stomach. That’s not what’s supposed to happen. That’s not how it’s supposed to be. I’m supposed to be with the Bouchards. The degree in economics is for show. It’s not real.
At least, it wasn’t supposed to be.
I guess he’s finally had enough of me, and all it took was meeting Pandora to realize he didn’t need me around anymore.
“Let me guess: River’s going to be right there at your side,” I say bitterly. “Because he can ‘handle’ the violence and whatever other secrets you’re hiding.”
Blaze gives me a strange look. “Are you jealous? River’s got nothing to do with anything. I’m not even sure I fully trust him yet.”
“No, I’m not jealous!” I snap at him even though I’m not delusional enough to think that’s the truth.
“But you could’ve at least told me you didn’t want me involved with the family business before this.
” I rake my hand through my hair. “I look like a stupid idiot trying to keep you safe when I’m halfway out the fucking door as soon as we graduate. ”
“Out the door?” Blaze finally drops the smile and scowls at me. “What are you talking about? You’re my best friend, Asch. That’s not going to change just because you get a real job.”
“Did you ever think that maybe I don’t want a ‘real’ job?
” I demand. “How long were you going to wait to let me down? Graduation? ‘Oh, sorry, Asch. We don’t actually want you working for us because you’re too pathetic.
’” I bark out a laugh. “You can tell your dad to stop fucking paying me, then, unless you like the idea of him having to pay someone to be your friend.”
I don’t know what I’ll do without the pay I get from George Bouchard each month. It’s what I send my mom to keep her afloat. But I guess if Blaze wants me to get a real job, that’s what I’ll do.
How could I have been so fucking stupid all this time? A bodyguard? Really?
No wonder he’s never once listened to my advice. I’ve been the only one taking this seriously.
“It’s not that you’re pathetic,” Blaze growls. “But it’s dangerous, okay? I don’t want you getting involved in this shit. I can handle myself, and I don’t need you protecting me.”
“Wow,” I say, and I barely recognize my own voice. “Must be some secret, for you to stop bothering to even go along with this bullshit job. You just asked your dad to give me money to play pretend, huh?”
I’m not sure I’ve ever been so humiliated in my life.
“I didn’t ask my dad anything!” Blaze yells. “Christ, Asch, stop being a little bitch about this. There’s nothing good about joining the Bouchards, okay?”
“I didn’t think there was! It’s not like I think your family deals with bunnies and rainbows!” I snarl back at him. “But it’s my choice. Not yours.” At least, I’d thought it was. “Keep your secrets, then, and keep your fucking money.”
To my mortification, tears have welled up in the corners of my eyes, and I clench my hands into fists at my sides.
I storm out of the kitchen, heading straight for the bedroom I’ve been staying in. I stop shy of slamming the door, but I close it harder than necessary.
I pull my phone out of my pocket, and I see that my mother has texted me again.
Fuck.
How am I going to find a job that’ll let me keep paying for her rent around my classes?
How could I have been so goddamn stupid as to think I actually made a difference at all, that Blaze wasn’t only humoring me?
Instead of answering the text with one of my own, I tap on my mother’s picture and hit call. I put it against my ear, waiting for it to connect, and when it does, I have to fight back the wave of loneliness and bitterness that threatens to wash over me.
“What’s wrong?” she asks without preamble.
I let out a weak laugh. “Who says something has to be wrong?” I ask. “Maybe I just wanted to talk to you.”
“Uh huh. ‘Maybe’ you do,” she replies. “What’s going on, Asch?”
I sink down onto my bed with a sigh. “I lost my job with the Bouchards,” I tell her. It’s not official yet, I know, but it might as well be. “I’m sorry.”
“I won’t lie and say I’m not relieved,” she says.
I blink, surprised. “What?” I ask dumbly.
I know she doesn’t like it, but I also know I don’t have much of a choice. It’s always been a no-brainer, too; Blaze has been my best friend for so long, and I’m capable of keeping him safe.
At least, I thought I was.
She sighs. “Asch, we both know they’re not exactly what they seem to be. This might be a blessing in disguise.”
I don’t want to state the obvious problem. We both know that she can’t stay afloat without the money I send her each month, and there’s no guarantee I can quickly or easily replace the Bouchard money.
“I’ve been researching work at home jobs,” she says, and the note of vulnerability in her voice has me wishing I could reach through the phone and hug her tight. “You shouldn’t have to be taking care of me as it is. I’ve been taking advantage of you.”
“No, you haven’t,” I reply fiercely. “You took care of me for so long. It’s the least I can do.”
“That’s not how this is supposed to work,” she replies. “There are no expectations, nothing that needs to be reciprocated. This is a good thing. It’s the motivation I’ve been needing to finally work on myself.”
I hate that my instant reaction is to say that she can’t, to remind her that it’s always been a struggle. It’s not fair to her. She’s always tried to be more than her mental health problems, and she managed to keep us going for so long.
“I’m still going to find a new job,” I tell her. I have nothing in savings, nothing to fall back on.
I don’t have any experience doing anything but fucking around with Blaze, either, which is going to make finding a real job that much more difficult.
“How has everything else been going?” she asks, the abrupt change in subject both welcome and not all at once. “Anyone special in your life?”
My mood drops even more. “No,” I say. God, what would she think if she knew what I’d done to the only woman who could’ve been something special?
That’s stupid too. Pandora could never have been something special.
“How are classes?” she prompts when that line of questioning goes nowhere.
I sigh, lying back on my bed as I answer her.
By the end of the call, I feel drained and empty, but I no longer feel like I’m going to cry.
Progress, I guess.
Too bad I have no idea what I’m going to do from here. With this new development, with the threat of Pandora’s impending revenge hanging over my head, with my future no longer defined, everything feels heavy.
I don’t know what to do.
I close my eyes, not even bothering to change out of the nice clothes I’d worn to the memorial service, and force myself to take a nap.
Maybe a little bit of rest will jog something, and when I wake up, I’ll have ideas about what to do.
Maybe not.
But it’s worth a try.