Chapter 26 Pandora
PANDORA
Blaze’s Bitch
River’s got a match tomorrow. Join us. Date after.
I stare at the text. I suddenly don’t want to go to the match anymore, which is kind of bullshit. I like watching River get beaten up.
I mean, I like watching him beat down on others.
Pandora
Sure. I expect a five course meal.
Blaze’s Bitch
Tell Blaze.
I should tell him, but didn’t we just see each other? I set the phone down and turn back to my sad dinner of a veggie wrap and tofu salad.
I don’t know why I thought it would taste good. There’s no protein in it—the tofu doesn’t count. Who’s even vegetarian anymore these days? Didn’t that fad end fifteen years ago? Get with the program, Blaze.
I stab the tofu, which of course parts easily because tofu has no substance and might as well be water.
My phone buzzes again. I glance at it.
Call from Papa.
I tap the reject button. Three seconds later, there’s another call this time from Daddy. Then from Mama.
Christ, what crawled up their asses now?
I take the phone and send a group text to the whole parent set.
Pandora
Is somebody dying? I mean, somebody important.
Papa
Just want to see how my baby world destroyer is doing.
Mama
When the baby world destroyer is quiet for too long, her parents get worried. That’s all. How are you?
Pandora
I’m doing great!
Daddy
Then why aren’t you picking up the phone?
I scowl at the phone. How dare Daddy assume things about me. I can be fine and also not want to talk to my parents. Those things aren’t mutually exclusive.
Pandora
Just don’t need you cramping my style. I was about to get laid.
Mama
I’m impressed by the courtesy of the dashing young person willing to wait while you text your parents pre coitus.
Oh. That was actually funny. Mama sometimes does have a sense of humor.
Uncle Slayer
And they must really suck at foreplay. Well, someone isn’t doing their share of sucking, at least.
Mama
You are very lucky you aren’t in smacking range right now.
I roll my eyes at the whole exchange.
Papa
Nah, texting while fucking isn’t that hard. I do it all the time when—
Pandora
Pretending to be interrupted doesn’t work with texts, Papa. Also, is this child abuse? I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to make me believe you’re all celibate monks who have never touched cock or cunt in your lives.
Daddy
Vanessa can’t be a monk.
Papa
Because she’s female?
Daddy
Because she’s had four children. They weren’t virgin births.
Mama
No comment.
Normally all of this bantering would amuse me. With how openly sexual they all were with each other, it doesn’t bother me to read about them like this, but I’m not in the mood right now.
Pandora
Anyway. Go have an orgy or something. I have things to do.
Thanks for being concerned, but I’m fine. Just busy.
Mama
Check in with us more, please? We love you and want to know you’re doing well.
Papa
Yeah. Also, you need more than four people for an orgy. This is an orgy-free household.
I crack a small smile, but it does nothing to alleviate the crushing sensation on my chest.
Maybe I do need to get laid. I shouldn’t have blown Asch and Blaze off.
Wait, I should have blown them. That’s part of the whole “getting laid” process. I consider texting and telling them I’m on my way for a booty call.
It’ll help, right?
Sex always helps.
My finger hovers over the group chat.
A shadow falls over me. I glance up to see Carly with another woman. Carly is holding a tray of food—probably also something vegetarian, because Carly cares about the plight of soft fuzzy things.
I wonder why Blaze is vegetarian.
“Oh, hey,” I greet. “You’re grabbing dinner too?”
Carly sits down across from me, and the other woman takes the seat next to her.
“This is Kavita,” Carly says. “I was telling her… I mean. Well, she had some interesting things to say.”
I tilt my head. “Telling her? About what? The movie night?”
Kavita is a bit taller than Carly, with tanned skin and straight black hair that goes to her shoulders. She has a nose stud, and her clothes are so bright, a pop of teal green and pale yellows that I wouldn’t have associated with the greige most of the students here wear.
“Hi,” Kavita says with a slight smile. “You two do movie nights?”
“Sometimes.” Carly takes a bite of her food before continuing. “I like indie stuff. Pandora tolerates indie movies.”
“Hey! That’s not fair,” I complain. “I like your movies.”
I have to like them. If I don’t, I’ll be a bad friend, and Carly won’t trust me, and then she won’t just be date raped. She’ll end up in a ditch or in a dumpster and her pieces will be burning in an incinerator.
Kavita takes her plate from the tray and starts eating too, and at first it’s a surreal conversation about movies and what classes we take and something about trips to foreign countries.
My phone buzzes again with another text.
Wannabe Hot Stuff
Five course meal? You get three, and if you still want to stuff your face after I’ve got a few ideas.
I’m about to reply when Carly says, “That’s Blaze, right?”
I glance up. “Yeah. Why?”
She bites her lip and shares a brief look with Kavita.
What the fuck was that?
“You know Blaze is…” Carly sighs. “I mean. He’s part of the Chaos gang. Hell, he’s the ring leader basically. Even as a freshman…”
“You weren’t here last year, Carly,” I point out. My smile starts to hurt. “What do you know about Blaze?”
“I was here last year,” Kavita says bluntly. “And I know all about the fraternities here at Dyschord. Chaos are the worst. Not that the others are better. But there’s a special level of hell for Chaos.”
I giggle. “I mean, duh. That’s why their frat house burnt down. Divine intervention or whatever.”
“Right. Divine intervention,” Carly repeats. “But if it was divine intervention, shouldn’t you take that as a sign to stay away from them?”
Something constricts my chest. “Uh. From Blaze? He’s not like the rest of them.”
Never mind that he’s part of the Bouchard family, and that they own half the school, or that he beat up Tate for me and had a guy killed because he was mean to Asch.
What’s a bit of violence and murder among enemies?
“He is,” Kavita says. “He’s probably the worst of them. The entire Bouchard family.” She sighs. “You might not have heard, but Blaze and his friend Asch both used a lot of women. And the entire fraternity has a group chat where they share photos of—”
The thing constricting my chest tightens.
“I’m aware,” I snap. “But you already know I’m aware.” I glare at Carly. “What the fuck is this?”
Carly takes a deep breath. “You’ve been weird lately, Pandora. Kind of… I mean, you were always aggressive, I know that’s you, but you keep pretending nothing gets to you. You can talk to me about it though. I, of all people, would know what you’re going through.”
“No,” I hiss. “You don’t. Because I’m not going through anything. And why the fuck is she here?” I gesture to Kavita. “You wanted to humiliate me in public, too?”
“No!” Carly reaches out for my hand, but I pull it away. “That’s not it. Kavita is—that is, she—”
“I volunteer at Dyschord’s Women’s Support Center,” Kavita says, a lot quieter. “Carly thought you might need to talk to somebody.”
Women’s Support Center.
Like I need help.
Like I’m a victim.
“Fuck you,” I hiss at Carly. “I don’t need a fucking crisis hotline.”
Hurt her.
Cut her up.
Shut her up.
Make her pay.
No. No. I inhale quickly and remind myself that Carly’s mouth wouldn’t look better stitched up so she can’t fucking gossip about me anymore.
“That’s fine,” Kavita says quickly. “But let me give you the information anyway. Just in case.”
“Just in case what? Another person decides to pour piss all over me?” I bark out a laugh. “In case more guys get kinks for bottles?”
“Pandora!” Carly gets up and reaches for me. Her fingers are needles on my shoulder. “Please, calm down.”
I slap her hand away and give her a wide smile. “I am calm. You’re the one getting hysterical over nothing.”
Why does she look so sad now? Why is Kavita looking at me with those eyes, the same fucking pity that Professor Richter gave me, like there’s a broken toy they want to fix up when it’s really better to throw the old shit away and buy a new one.
“It’s clearly bothering you,” Carly says. “And hanging out with Blaze and Asch—and River—isn’t helping you. They’re the ones who did this to you. You don’t have to keep doing what they want.”
I burst into laughter. “Oh, Carly. They aren’t making me do anything.” I get up and grab my bag. “I want to fuck them. They’re the only ones who understand me. The only ones who care.”
“If they cared, they wouldn’t have done what they did,” Kavita says gently.
Patronizingly.
Fuck her and the stupid white horse she rode in on.
My hand shakes.
The fork is right there.
I could take out an eye.
“They didn’t do anything,” I say, but this time my tongue gets cut up, every word more painful than the last. “Anyway, fuck both of you.”
I rush off.
I hear whispering around me.
I made a scene.
That’s fine. I like scenes. I like having all the attention.
It’s okay if they think I’m a crazy psycho bitch.
It’s okay if they think I’m a slut.
I stop outside the building and pull my phone out again.
Pandora
I’m coming over
If they cared, they wouldn’t have done what they did.
I delete the message before I send it.
Shit. Kavita is wrong. The three of them are perfect, they didn’t mean to do it, they do care about me. Blaze apologized, and that means something, because entitled manbabies like him never apologize for anything.
Asch never apologized.
River’s apology was stupid.
He hates me anyway.
I reach into my pocket and grip the charm, except it isn’t warm. It’s cold, and rough, and it tries to scrape the skin from my fingers.
No, no, no.
This isn’t happening.
I redownload the hook-up app I’d used in NB, cursing when it takes me three tries to log in.
Harmony is a lot smaller, but there have to be some guys who want to plow a nineteen-year-old college girl.
Probably old businessmen who need somebody to stroke their ego and give them a reason to pretend they’re definitely going to leave their wives any day now.
I end up finding a guy who claims to be twenty-seven. He wants to meet up at a bar, and I type I can’t legally drink, to which he responds that he’ll buy the drinks for me.
Fucking creep.
That’s exactly what I need.
I run to the parking lot. I get my key fob out, but the ground is slippery so I stumble, and something pulls at my hands. I lose hold of the key fob. It disappears into the dark asphalt, black on black on black on black.
“Shit,” I mutter, getting onto my knees to find it. I reach blindly under my car, but all I get are loose bits of asphalt that cut through my skin.
The wet paving wraps around my limbs and drags me down.
Why the fuck is this happening now? I’m fine! I don’t hallucinate when I’m fine.
“Fuck off!” I yell at the monster trying to pull me into the ground. “I know you aren’t fucking real! I don’t need you to tell me I’m crazy!”
I sob, then tighten my hold on my phone. I turn the flashlight on, and of course there’s nothing there.
Well, my key fob is there.
I reach for it.
Nothing pulls my hand down.
I click the button to unlock my car and I get inside. It’s even colder in here, like the faint light from the street lamps had been warming the asphalt.
I turn the car on and grip the steering wheel.
Drive to the bar, fuck the creep. Maybe kill the creep.
Skip the fucking, just kill the creep.
I don’t take my pedal off the brake. I keep staring ahead of me, at the car parked opposite of mine.
All I have to do is drive, go to the bar, fuck and/or kill the creep, and I’ll feel better. That’s how it’s supposed to work. Fucking always makes me feel better.
The killing is supposed to make me feel better too.
Zayden screaming had been fun. He’d deserved it.
But Samantha is still gone. Rachel is still dead. Blaze, River, and Asch still did the horrible thing to me.
“Fuck off,” I say again, my voice smaller, more broken. “Why does everybody think I’m not okay?”
My phone buzzes with another message from the creep. He’s wondering where I am.
I type back, “Informing on the FBI that you get off on raping underage girls.”
He immediately blocks me.
Guess I’m not fucking that guy. I could still kill him, but I doubt he’ll stick around the bar long enough for that.
I drop the phone into the passenger seat and let go of the steering wheel.
“I’ll get laid on Saturday,” I say out loud.
“I’m going on a date with three hot guys who all want me.
Who needs more than three guys? Three is the perfect number.
And it’s going to be perfect, because they do care about me, and I’m fine, and I’m a destroyer of worlds and nothing bothers me and anyway how can I have feelings if I don’t have a heart? ”
I reach for my chest and lay my hand over the empty cavity.
It’s completely still.
That’s right. There’s nothing inside there.
Carly and Kavita are wasting their time worrying about me.
I force myself to smile.
If anything, they should worry about everybody else, honestly.
If I weren’t fine, the world would already be burning, after all.