Chapter 5 #2
“I think so,” she said, setting her fork and knife down. “It’s been a while since I went on a first date. Or at least a good one.”
“Really? So those other dates that you went on really sucked?”
She shook her head. “I’ve only been on two dates since Max, and they were okay. Nothing to write home about. I think this one’s going much better. My first date with Max? That one sucked. I’m not going to lie. There was tuna fish involved, and a broken-down car. But it still ended pretty nicely.”
She smiled, then froze, realizing exactly what she had been talking about.
“I’m sorry, Ryan. I didn’t mean to bring him up.”
Ryan reached out and gripped her hand, giving it a squeeze.
But he didn’t let go. “Max is part of your life. He’s Julia’s father, and you loved him.
You were going to marry him. If you want to talk about Max the whole night, I’ll listen.
It’s still a date, even if we talk about other people.
He was part of your life. He’s still a big part of it.
So don’t worry. I like to hear about him.
You smile when you talk about him, and that makes me happy.
Because if you didn’t smile, if it hurt you too much, then I would know you weren’t ready for this. So, talk away.”
She wiped away a tear, giving him a watery smile. “Sometimes, Ryan, I think you’re a little too good to be true.”
“You say that, but you haven’t seen me try to vacuum. I kind of suck at vacuuming. And dusting. Okay, I suck at cleaning.”
She rolled her eyes, laughed, and continued their conversation.
She only brought Max up a few more times, but she couldn’t help it.
Ryan just let her relax. And when she did, she talked about things that were important to her.
Ryan was right, Max was still important to her.
She would always love him. But she knew that she was moving on, or at least trying to.
She didn’t feel bad about thinking about Max when she was with Ryan. Maybe others would have, but Ryan made it easy.
Ryan made a lot of things easy.
Maybe that should have worried her, and honestly, it did a little, but the food was nice, the conversation was much easier than she’d thought it would be, and Ryan made her smile.
There were those butterflies again, the ones that made her think. The ones that made her not exactly yearn but want something.
“So, Julia really tried to eat all the chocolate when you weren’t looking?”
They were having their after-dinner coffees, something that she didn’t normally do when she went out.
But neither of them had wanted the night to end yet, and they were enjoying themselves.
The place was busy, but it didn’t look like the waiter was trying to push them out of their seats yet, so they stayed.
“Seriously, the first time she learned to crawl, she somehow got through the child-protection locks and tried to eat an entire bar of chocolate. My hidden stash. The one that I even tried to hide from myself because it was way too good—and a little too pricey.”
Ryan laughed, his hand still on hers. Every once in a while, his thumb would brush along the flesh between her thumb and her pointer finger, and she’d hold back a shiver. She didn’t even know if he was doing it on purpose. He was just touching her. As if he wanted to touch her.
She really, really liked it.
“Well, chocolate is the food of the gods. She’s just learning early.”
“I think too early. I don’t even know when children are allowed to have chocolate. Well, I did, but all of those things just leave my mind when they’re no longer important because I keep thinking of all the new things I need to know about kids.”
“It’s a little insane how many dos and don’ts and rules and regulations and everything it takes to have a kid these days.”
“Well, children are hard.”
“That’s not what I meant. Even though we’re not that old, I just feel like we’re closer to the generation that threw their kids in the back of a pickup without seat belts than we are to the kids with all of the regulations.
Not that I’m saying those are wrong. I kind of like the fact that I was forced to wear a helmet as a kid and always have a seat belt on. It kept me alive.” He winced. “Sorry.”
“It’s fine, Ryan. It’s amazing how many things we say on a day-to-day basis that have to do with death.
I didn’t realize it until I witnessed it firsthand.
I lost Max, and I swear every single person at least once a day made a comment about how they were going to die if they didn’t have this, or that something was killing them, or that their heart was beating so fast it could explode out of their chests, or they were going brain-dead.
We just have those things in our vernacular.
We don’t mean them the way they sound. But when you’re attuned to that, you can’t help but notice it. ”
“I still don’t want to hurt you by saying those words. I try to watch what I say and be aware that sometimes, using the vernacular as you put it, isn’t being sensitive to others.”
She shook her head. “I don’t need you to be careful around me, Ryan. I hope you know that.”
He looked at her then, his gaze boring into hers. She swallowed hard, not letting go of his hand. Her stomach once again filled with those butterflies.
The waiter came then, leaving the final check. They paid. Soon, Ryan would be taking her home, and the date would end.
But she didn’t want it to end.
“I had a nice time tonight,” she said later as he walked her to her door.
“Yeah? I didn’t scare you away?”
She looked up at him then, her heart racing. “No. And maybe that surprised me. I tend to get scared easily.”
He shook his head. “No. I don’t think you do. I think you’re much stronger than you think you are.”
She let out a breath. “I hate that. Sorry.”
He frowned. “What? The fact that I think you’re strong?”
“No, just that phrase. I like the fact that you think I have strength, but it’s the whole…stronger than you think you are. And it’s not because it’s not true, it’s just the fact that everybody and their mother said that to me. Literally, and their mother.”
“Really?”
They were standing on her porch, the wind a little bit too cold for them to be doing so, but she wasn’t ready to go inside yet, and she didn’t know if she was going to invite him in either.
“Everybody always assumed that I thought myself weak. At least that’s what the words sounded like to me when I thought about them.
I know that’s not what they meant. I know that they were trying to tell me that I was doing well, and that despite everything happening to me, that I was making strides.
But it just made me think that they thought I wouldn’t be able to handle it.
And yet, I did. Because I had to. Because there was no other way to keep moving forward if I didn’t handle it. ”
Ryan reached out and brushed his thumb across her cheek. “That’s not what I meant. And I’m sorry I made you think about it that way.”
“It’s not you.”
“It’s me?” he finished for her, and she shook her head.
“No, that’s not what I meant. People have a way of underestimating the power of their words.
And I know they don’t mean anything by it.
I know when faced with loss and especially faced with other people’s loss, they just don’t have the words.
And sometimes that’s okay, to not have the words.
I know it’s on me that I’m feeling that way, but because I heard that phrase so much, sometimes, it just annoys me a little. ”
“Then I’ll try not to say it again. Even if I do think you’re pretty kickass.”
She smiled then. “Really?”
“Very kickass. Abby?”
She swallowed hard again. “What?” Her voice was breathy.
“Can I kiss you now?”
“I want you to. But only if you come inside.”
She hadn’t meant to say that, but as soon as she said the words, she knew they were right.
He looked at her then, his gaze dark and intense. And then he nodded.
She led him inside, waiting for his kiss—and maybe more.