Chapter 9 #2
“I’m here.” She leaned forward as he paced around the living room. She wanted to walk with him, wanted to touch him. Wanted to do anything to make this easier for him.
But she knew as soon as she did that, she would pop the bubble, and maybe things would change. Maybe he would walk away, and she wouldn’t be able to get anything out of him.
So she sat where she was, and she waited.
“We moved around a lot, and because of that, I only had my brother. It’s hard to make new friends when you’re constantly moving from place to place.
I got good at being sociable when I needed to be, giving a little bit of myself as I walked around and met new people.
I was good at fitting in with any situation, even if I didn’t give myself completely.
I never really wanted to because I knew we would be moving again, and then I would just have to start all over.
Michael really wasn’t the same way. He threw himself into friendships and relationships, at least he used to.
Especially when we were kids. But then we’d be ripped from it, and he’d cling to me.
And when I wasn’t enough, and he couldn’t figure out how to form relationships with other people, he flung himself into other things.
He needed that adrenaline rush of having a best friend, of having attention focused on him.
He went to drinking first. Because that made him popular. Even in middle school.”
She pressed her lips together, understanding.
“When we finally figured out who we were as individuals rather than just twins, we also had to deal with the fact that we were constantly moving. That the connections that we had were constantly fraying at the edges. And so, my brother then threw himself into drugs. He was in high school the first time he OD’d.
And he did it because he wanted Mom and Dad to pay attention to him.
Our parents had some money, and it wasn’t from the military.
Hell, the military pays shit…but you know that. ”
She nodded.
“So, my parents put Michael into a good rehab center, and they ignored the situation. They ignored the whys of it. They were both military, you see. Sometimes, one would be off for six months at a time, sometimes nine months on remote. TDYs are ridiculous, but it was what they did. They fought for our country, and I was damn proud of it.”
“That’s good.”
“They didn’t die because they were in the military.
But when they did finally pass away, I think part of Michael broke.
My parents gave Michael everything they possibly could to make him better.
And Michael couldn’t do it. There was just something about him that made him throw himself into every situation, to the point where drugs were his only answer.
And he used people, broke people, and did everything that he could to make sure that he got what he wanted.
And when he didn’t, he broke even more.”
Ryan let out a breath, and Abby just listened.
“I didn’t want my brother to die, but sometimes I think it would be easier if he did.
And that makes me a horrible person, but he got me put in jail once because he stole my identity.
We’re twins. Apparently, it’s easier than you think.
He got me in bar fights, got me in trouble with my exes.
He would pretend to be me and do so much shit that it was ridiculous.
He doesn’t look anything like me now; the drugs and the alcohol hurt him and aged him at least twenty years.
But it’s hard to love my brother. When I try to take care of him, it only enables him.
A couple of years ago, I took a step back and told myself I wasn’t going to do that anymore.
I’d lost my parents and I was losing my brother, but I couldn’t lose myself.
And, yeah, maybe that’s selfish, but fuck it.
Every time I helped, he just went further and further over the edge.
I just knew he was going to die no matter what I did.
I took a step back and told myself I wasn’t going to enable him anymore. ”
“That’s good.” She didn’t know what else to say, not yet.
“Maybe, but he still blames me. Blames me for so much shit. He shows up every once in a while, no matter where I move, and tries to take my money, my house. Tries to take my friends.” He looked her right in the eyes. “Tries to take those I care about.”
“Okay. He’s not going to.”
“This is just the start.”
“No, you tried to end it before, and we’re going to make sure it’s ended.
Because you’re not alone this time. And I’m not just talking about me.
You know that Thea, Adrienne, Dimitri, Shep, Shea, Mace, Landon, and even Kaylee will all be there for you.
Roxie and Carter will be there for you. I’m going to be there for you. ”
“I don’t want them to get hurt.” Ryan stuffed his hands into his pockets, and she shook her head, standing up so she could move around the coffee table and be right next to him. She put her hand on his chest, soaking in the warmth of his skin and feeling the heartbeat beneath her palm.
“He’s not you. You can’t put what he does on you. You can’t put every single decision he’s ever made on yourself. You were a military kid, too. You had to learn how to deal with new situations and new people. And you didn’t turn into a drug addict.”
“Abby.”
“No, it’s my turn. You didn’t fall into the abyss like him.
And am I sad that he’s there? Yes. Because it hurts you.
But he made his own decisions. And, yes, you’ve tried to help him.
Your parents tried to help him. It wasn’t enough.
At least that’s what he thought. But you did everything you could.
And if you want to continue to help him, then go for it.
But if you want to try and protect yourself for the first time?
Then do that. Because addiction is a disease, but at some point, the people around the addict have to take care of themselves as well. ”
“He could have hurt you today.” There was such a growl in his voice that Abby knew that this was one of the biggest parts of why he’d tried to push her away.
“No. Because you were there.”
“But he knew your name. That means he was watching you before.”
She held back a shiver and nodded. “And now the cops have him. And I’m going to press charges.
And maybe they’ll keep him locked away. But you were there, and I knew I wasn’t going to get hurt.
Am I sad about what happened in my shop today?
Yes. Am I going to miss some money that I would have made from that stuff?
Yes, but I have insurance. And it’s just things.
Believe me. With everything else going on. It’s just things.”
“I don’t want you to get hurt.”
“Then don’t hurt me. Don’t put what your brother’s done on yourself. Just know that you’re not alone. I’m here. And I don’t want you to walk away. Don’t push me away, Ryan. Please.”
She was so afraid that he would tell her to go, to calmly say that it was over between them.
She didn’t want it to be over. She wanted to know Ryan better. Wanted him in her life. This was so new, just the cusp of what it could be. But she was taking a chance on herself, taking a chance on them, and she desperately wished he would take a chance as well.
And when he didn’t answer, she felt like the world was falling away beneath her, her stomach lurched, and her heart raced.
But he didn’t say anything.
Instead, he lowered his head and brushed his lips along hers. A gentle kiss, a sweet caress.
Everything would be okay.
Everything had to be okay.