Chapter 11 #2
She shrugs with a twist of her mouth. “It will probably be the last time. But I feel… it feels unfinished. So I’m going to see her tomorrow.
Then tomorrow night at midnight Ben has arranged a ride for us across the border.
An unofficial ride so no one tries to stop us.
I made up an excuse, so I don’t think Chad will even be looking for me for a few days, but I’m not going to take a risk on that.
” Her voice is softer and harder as she adds, “I’m getting away. ”
“I’m glad you’re getting away. And of course you can stay here today.” I look up at Mason. “Right?”
“Sure thing. We got only one extra bed in the house but—”
“I’ll be good in the barn,” Ben says in his relaxed, easy way. “I’ve slept way worse than that.”
We decide that Ben will go help Mason and Bill with the herd so Annabelle and I can have some visiting time.
Once the men have left, I show my sister around the farm, and she helps me make the honey cake I had planned for this evening. Then we have a light lunch and hang out in the sunny living room to chat.
She tells me more about her marriage and how and why she decided to leave. She tells me all the information Ben has given her about the wilderness. She asks about how things are going for me and why I would hesitate to leave.
“I know living here with Mason was your best choice before, but you have another one now.” She’s studying me soberly, really trying to understand. “Wouldn’t it be better to live somewhere you could really be free?”
“Y-yes. I guess. But…”
“But what?”
“But I’ve been happy here. With Mason and Bill and the farm. Is it wrong not to want to leave?”
“No. It’s not.” She pushes her thick braid back behind her shoulder. “And I’ll understand if you choose not to. But I hope you’ll think about it. Really think.”
I nod. “Of course I’ll think about it.”
“Because here’s what I’ve learned in the past year.
” She pauses. Swallows. Glances away. “We live our lives with what we know. And we teach ourselves that our situation is reality. Unalterable. The only way. It might not be great, but it will never change. So we do our best to build a life within that reality. What else can we do? But accepting a bad world as reality can stop us from recognizing how bad it is. It can keep us from seeing how many ways it’s actually hurting us. Even dehumanizing us.”
I’m listening. Trying to take the words in and understand them. But it’s a lot. And something in my mind is rising up defensively.
As if I don’t really want to hear them.
“Listen to me, Teresa. I love you. You’re the only person in this entire world that I love.
And I want you to have everything this world allows.
I want that for myself too. I’ve been thinking a lot about Father lately.
About what he believed and the pamphlets he wrote.
And he would have been… crushed by what happened to his daughters. ”
“What do you mean?” I ask, my voice cracking achingly.
“You and I, both of us, sold ourselves off for a safer and more comfortable situation. We sold our bodies, and we sold our futures. Your choice was obviously a much wiser transaction than mine because Mason is a better, kinder man. But don’t you…
don’t you want your body and your future to belong only to you? ”
I stare at her. Her lovely, delicate features blur before me. I can’t speak. Not even a word.
“Don’t you want to be able to choose who you’re with and what you do and how you spend your life?”
“I thought…” My throat closes up. “I thought I did choose.”
“You chose the best of only bad options. Just like I did. I’m not judging you any more than I’m judging myself.
But I want better, and because Ben is leaving, I’ve found a better option.
One that will let me be more free. No longer live imprisoned by this oppressive world that does nothing but tighten its grip. ”
I’m breathing heavily. I stare down at the wrinkled skirt of my shabby blue dress, which I changed into when I got flour from baking all over my trousers.
Annabelle doesn’t rush me. She sits and waits silently as I try to process the tempest of thoughts in my head.
Finally I’m capable of speaking. “I… I see what you’re saying. I understand. And the world did feel like that to me before… before I married and moved here. But it doesn’t anymore. Mason… he isn’t like that.”
“I’m not saying he is. But the world is still like that. In the Central Cities at least.”
“I… I really like him.”
“He can come too. Maybe he wants more choices in his life like we do. The world has heartlessly tossed him back and forth too.”
“He loves this farm. He likes his life here. So… so do I.”
“Okay. Really, Teresa. I’m not trying to bully you into doing something you don’t want. I just want you to really think about it before you decide.”
“I will. I promise. I’ll talk to Mason and think about it. When do you need to know?”
“Not until the very last minute. Like I said, I’m going to visit Mother tomorrow.
Then our ride across the border leaves at midnight tomorrow night.
At the ruins of that old market you used to scavenge in.
You can just show up there if you want to go.
Or even just to say goodbye if you decide to stay.
But if you don’t show up, then I’ll know your decision. ”
I nod, relieved by the reprieve and the time to process everything that’s happened today. “Okay. That sounds good. I’ll think about it and talk to Mason. And if we… or just me… decide to leave with you, we’ll be there before midnight.”
I don’t have a chance to talk to Mason alone until we’ve gotten into bed.
Annabelle is sleeping in the small bed in my room, and Ben is in the barn.
Mason has been very quiet since he, Ben, and Bill returned from the farthest pasture. He was clearly trying to be polite over dinner, but I know him well now.
He’s been closed up like a city gate since Ben and Annabelle showed up.
When he gets under the covers beside me, we lie facing each other in the dark.
“What are you gonna do?” he asks at last, very gruff.
“I… I don’t know. I wanted to talk about it with you.”
“Okay.”
I sigh when he says nothing else. It’s really hard to talk to him when he’s tense and guarded like this. “What do you think?”
“I think… You gotta do what you think best.”
“So you don’t want to… leave? With me?”
“This farm is my home.”
My heart sinks. I don’t even know why. “I know it is.”
Neither of us say anything for another long stretch of time.
“I thought…” He clears his throat. “I thought you were happy here.”
“I am. I have been. But Annabelle is right about how this life… in the Central Cities I mean… doesn’t give us many choices. I always assumed there was nowhere better, but maybe there is.”
“Maybe,” he mumbles. “If you want more choices, you go ahead and go with them. I won’t stop you. I won’t get in your way.”
One silly, feeble part of myself wants him to get in the way. Wants him to get riled up over the thought of losing me.
Wants him to fight for me.
The way I want to fight for him.
But Annabelle might be right about the heart of our marriage. I offered him my body and my hard work, and he offered me safety and comfort.
And all this time I thought we were growing closer, maybe our relationship was always only about earning my keep.
I don’t want to do it anymore.
I’m close to tears, all the fear and confusion clenching into a tight ball in my throat. I start shaking. I can’t stop.
Mason makes a hoarse sound and pulls me against him, wrapping his arms around me and holding on tight. “I’m sorry it’s hard, honey cake. But you gotta do what you think is best. I’ll let you go if that’s what you want.”
I burrow into him, bury my face against his chest. And I stay there until the shaking finally stops.
Annabelle and Ben leave early the next morning to make the trip to the village where our mother now lives.
I help Mason with morning chores. I make breakfast and clean up afterward. I throw Bill his ball while Mason gets his cart ready for market, and I take comfort in the dog’s big, warm body and his open affection.
If I go with Annabelle, I’ll probably have to leave him too.
I still don’t know what I’m going to do.
I don’t want to leave, but maybe I should.
I’ve never been as smart and brave as Annabelle. I never felt like anything worthwhile until I found a life with Mason and Bill here on the farm.
But Annabelle loves me. For real. For who I am and not what I offer.
And, as far as I know, she’s the only person in the world who loves me like that.
Father loved us like that. He wanted a better life and a better world for us. He fought in his own way to make it happen. He was killed for his efforts.
And very slowly I’ve been learning that I want that for myself too.
A life—a full, complete life—with someone who loves me for real.
So I don’t know what to do. I know what I want, but it might never be possible.
Not in a world like this one.
When he’s ready, Mason and I walk into town with barely a word. He’s fully pulled in on himself. Whatever is happening in his head, he’s not sharing. He asked in a mumble after breakfast if I knew what I was going to do, and I had to tell him I don’t know yet.
We go through the motions at our stall in the market, but the day drags on and on. I don’t enjoy it like normal. Lately, I’ve loved market days because I’ve been feeling more a part of the community here. And I like that. I want that.
But maybe that too isn’t real.
Maybe the life I’ve believed in has been built out of nothing but burnt cinders.
Maybe it’s crumbling into ashes in my hands even now.
Maybe, despite my delusions, I’ve never really escaped the sooty corner of the kitchen at Lorraine’s.
Maybe that’s where I’ll always belong.
By late afternoon, I’m having to fight so hard not to cry that I can barely manage brief, friendly greetings and conversation.