Chapter 23 #2
‘It’s so not Mary-Elizabeth. But everyone’s got someone like that, haven’t they? Just this one person that makes you feel a little bit insane, you know? It’s not some kind of personal failing on your part.’
I suck on the straw. ‘It feels a bit like I’ve failed. At a lot of things. Like I’m not really cut out to be giving anyone advice if I’ve got such bad judgement, such bad taste in guys, you know?’
Tyler thinks for a minute. ‘I suppose the thing is, it makes you more human, because it really does happen to everyone.’
‘Maybe you should be the one with the column,’ I tell them warmly. ‘You can take over from me. There’s a vacancy now, you know?’ I wonder who will be the next me. The next M-E, in fact.
‘Well, I was thinking . . . that’s what I wanted to talk to you about, why I asked to meet you.’
‘I’m not coming back.’ I frown at the idea that Tyler would even ask me. It doesn’t seem like them.
‘No, it’s not that.’ They shake their head. ‘You know I do stuff with Quad Radio?’
I nod, wondering where this is going. ‘We’re finally doing podcasts now rather than just live stuff, and I was thinking . . . maybe you could do your column as a slot on the weekly podcast instead of in the mag?’
I let out a heavy sigh and set my glass down on a coaster. ‘Really?’
‘Why?’ Tyler asks, baffled.
‘Because I feel like an absolute idiot right now, like I’m only capable of making bad decisions.
I already told you – I feel like I don’t have a leg to stand on and that basically no one should be taking my advice,’ I say, feeling the embarrassment at all of it – getting messed around by Felix, the drink spiking, believing that Felix would be different – swirl around in my chest.
‘I believe in you. I know other people do too. I get it, you’re in a downswing right now, but this is just a temporary blip and you’re going to be back on the upswing in no time, and you’ll forget you ever felt like this.’ They sound so sincere, so reassuring, that I almost believe them.
‘I don’t know . . . ‘I say, shaking my head. ‘I sort of wanted a clean break . . .’
‘This is a clean break! A whole new format! A new life! But still getting to do what you do best. I just hate the idea that you’re having to give up something you’re great at because Felix Balfour has messed you around.
And the thing is, it’s not even hard – I’ll be right there on the other side of the glass while you record.
I can take care of all the technical stuff, I just need you and your brain and your voice.
But only if you think it’ll be fun. Not if you think it’ll make you feel worse.
I’m trying to simultaneously communicate to you the idea that I really think you should do it because it’ll be fun for you, and the fact that if you think it’ll be horrible then you shouldn’t say yes just because I think it’ll be good.
’ Tyler pauses for a moment. ‘Do you think people write to you for advice because you’re perfect?
It’s because you think about things in a way that feels human.
You have a way of looking at things that’s yours. ’
I nod. I think about my Saint Fabiolas. I’ve spent more time looking at paintings done by random people than I have any portrait by Rembrandt or Reynolds.
And Tyler’s right: I shouldn’t have to give up my column just because of Felix.
And if I really think about it, he is the main reason I wanted to jump ship from Quad Magazine.
Sure, I’m generally not loving life at the moment, but without Felix adding that extra layer of shit to it all, I will probably be able to press on. He’s the one who’s dragging me down.
I hold out my hand to Tyler. ‘I’m in,’ I tell them.
‘That’s the spirit!’ they say, slapping their hand against mine and grabbing it in an enthusiastic handshake.
‘What shall we call the slot? Do I need a new name, or can I keep the old one from the magazine?’
‘I think a fresh start is in order, don’t you?’ they say kindly.
‘Yeah,’ I say, already feeling that much lighter for putting Felix and the magazine behind me. The two are too intertwined, all part of the same messy scenario. This can be my own new thing. ‘So . . . a name . . .’ I mumble, rummaging around in my brain for a good idea to present itself.
‘Not that I let myself get too into the idea before I even asked you if you wanted to do it . . .’ Tyler says, raising their eyebrows at me.
‘Ye-e-e-s?’ I encourage them to go on.
‘There’s this song you’ve played before at your ThrowBax nights,’ they begin, and I’m already suitably intrigued. ‘And every time I hear it I think it’s “Fantasy” by Mariah Carey, but it’s not, so I googled what song samples “Fantasy” by Mariah Carey, and I found out it’s called –’
‘“Genius of Love”,’ I say with an instant smile – because I love the song, and maybe just a little bit because it makes me think of first meeting Laurie, when we had our silly little skirmish at the Quad party, when I poked at him to start his own advice column and he bloody did.
It all feels like an altogether simpler time.
‘I thought that was kind of a fun name for a relationships advice podcast feature,’ they shrug modestly.
‘Tyler, my friend, it is the name. You’ve done it. You’ve invented a new podcast, found the host and given it the perfect name. It’s all tied up with a ribbon. You are very good at this.’
‘I did think it was all very neat. So . . . you like it? “Genius of Love”?’
I nod. ‘I don’t really feel like a genius these days, but maybe I just have to fake it ’til I make it and get my vibes back.’
‘The vibes will 100 per cent come back, I know it. You’re Mary-Elizabeth Baxter. Queen of vibes. It’s frankly criminal that a slimy posh-boy wanker like Felix would make you doubt it. But enough about him. He’s in the past.’
I don’t need Quad Magazine and I certainly don’t need Felix Balfour. Onwards and, indeed, upwards.
I raise my half-empty glass of lime and soda and clink it against Tyler’s.
‘Fuck the past,’ Tyler says. ‘We’re the future now, baby.’