Chapter 30
Chapter Thirty
Amy
Taking a deep breath, I pushed into Nikolai’s room, forcing a bright but sad smile on my face as I stepped through. He looked up from his bed instantly.
“Amy,” he sighed, and the relief in his voice was enough to make my heart break all over again. “Thank God you are alright. I have been so worried. Alexei as well.”
I didn’t believe that for a second about my husband, but I went to hug him anyway, holding him just a little tighter than I should.
“Where have you been, docha?” he asked gruffly as I took the hard plastic seat next to him.
“I’m sorry. I worried you, Nikolai.” I meant that from the bottom of my heart. “I didn’t mean to, after everything that happened, I just needed a little time.” My voice broke.
His old face softened. Reaching for my hand, he patted the back of it. “I am so sorry about Alessia.”
“Me too.” The lump was back in my throat, and I had to swallow it down. “The funeral is this afternoon and after that—”
He cut me off. “You’re leaving him, aren’t you?” There was no judgment in his voice, just sadness.
“I’m sorry, Nikolai.” There was no point lying to him. He would see right through it even if I did.
His sigh was one of resignation. “I know you are upset, Amy, and I know things with Alexei are,” he paused, “complicated, but don’t you think you owe it to yourself to try and make this marriage work?”
I couldn’t help but stare at him with my mouth open. “I don’t think that’s an option anymore. I know Alexei came to you.” Again, the lump in my throat made it hard to speak.
Grief was such a weird thing. Sometimes, it was almost like I forgot that my sister was gone and my husband had chosen someone else, and then it hit me like a battering ram. Having Nikolai look at me with such kind eyes made it all so real.
I cleared my throat. “I know he asked for a divorce, so I don’t think the choice is mine, and even if it was. I wouldn’t choose this.” I said firmly.
A line appeared between his white eyebrows. “You’re right, Alexei did come here, but he didn’t mention divorce. He knows I would never allow it.”
I smiled at him sadly. “It’s really not your choice, you grumpy old man.”
“And I can’t talk you into sticking around?” he asked hopefully.
“No, I left a message on his machine telling him about Alessia and the date of the funeral. He hasn’t contacted me. It’s over, Nikolai.” Reaching out I patted his liver-spotted hand, but I didn’t let him grab mine. “I know you don’t want that to be true.”
His eyes narrowed. “What if I threatened you? I can do that, you know.” He joked. “I’m extremely feared.”
I couldn’t help it. I laughed. “I know you are, Nikolai. And I could never go against you. I’m not strong enough.”
“Oh, you are the strongest person I’ve ever met, Amy,” he said firmly. “That’s why I chose you.” His chest rose and fell. “But I won’t force you to stay with him. He doesn’t deserve you, and he will realize that when it’s too late. Where will you go?”
“I don’t know,” I answered honestly.
“What will you do for money?”
I shrugged. I didn’t know the answer to that either. “The staff,” my voice cracked, “Mrs. Cole and Micah have given me some money for a hotel, but I guess I’ll get a job and—”
“I had this waiting for you.” He reached to his nightstand and pulled out a plastic card.
Holding it out for me to take. I didn’t move.
“It’s not a huge amount. Alexei is in charge of any business money now.
This is from my own retirement fund.” Again, his eyes crinkled at the edges.
“There’s only a few hundred thousand, but it should see you through until you get settled. ”
A few hundred thousand? My eyebrows shot up. He said it was pocket change.
“I can’t take that. I’ll be fine, Nikolai.”
“I won’t miss it, Amy, please take it.””
I was going to do no such thing.
“Alexei won’t be able to trace you with this, I promise.”
That wasn’t what I was worried about. I knew that Alexei wouldn’t come looking for me. He had no need to. I just didn’t want to be indebted to the Petrovovs.
Standing wearily, I leaned over his bed and gave him an awkward hug, pressing a kiss to the paper-thin skin on his cheek.
“You know I can’t take that, Nikolai. I’ll be fine. I’ve always looked after myself. And now won’t be any different.” Before I could stop myself, my hand touched my stomach. His eyes narrowed in on it straight away.
“I understand, Amy,” he said finally. “Please look after yourself, and if you need anything,” his eyes darted down to my stomach in a pointed look, “Anything at all, don’t hesitate to call me.”
“I will.” I lied. I would not contact him or Alexei for anything, and he knew it.
Alexei had made his choice, and now, so had I.
“Goodbye, Nikolai,” I said as I headed towards the door. “I’ll miss you.”
It was raining by the time they lowered my sister’s coffin into the ground, and I didn’t feel a drop of it. It was such a strange thing watching that coffin be lowered. It didn’t feel like a final goodbye. It felt like nothing. I was numb. Completely and utterly.
Around me, a few guests raised black umbrellas, but I just stood there, my clothes sticking to my body and my heels sinking into the mud.
Next to me, Gabriella shifted closer to me, trying to shield me with her umbrella.
I smiled at her sadly. I didn’t ask how she knew or why she was there. I was just glad she was.
If I had to guess, I would say Mrs. Cole had told her. I looked around the people who had gathered, and there she was, standing next to one of the housemaids and two of my sisters’ nurses. Even Micah was here, hovering at the back of the crowd.
“And we give Alessia back into your waiting arms, oh Lord,” the priest said, and the rest I didn’t hear because I was crying too much. Fat, silent tears slipped down my face with the rainwater.
Even the sky was crying for my sister, but then again, the sky had been crying ever since Alexei had come into my life.
Maybe it wept for me. Maybe it just cried for how stupid and naive I had been.
Maybe it cried because of how stupid I had been for letting myself fall in love with someone who could never love me back. But those days were over now.
“Amy.” Gabriella’s voice cut through my thoughts. I was confused as I looked around.
Shaking myself, I stepped forward, grabbed a handful of dirt, and scattered it on my sister’s final resting place.
“I love you, Alessia,” I whispered as the loud sound of mud hitting the wooden coffin filled my ears. “I’m glad you can rest easy now.”
Taking a step back, my shoulders slumped. It was like all the fight had left me. It left me feeling hollow. Gabriella’s arm went around my shoulders, and for a second, I let myself sag against her. She was a good friend. I would miss her.
“Where now, Amy?” she murmured as the mourners tiptoed towards me. “A wake?”
I shook my head. “Alessia didn’t want any of that. She didn’t like a fuss.”
Gabriella’s lips twitched up into a smile. “It sounds like you two were very alike.”
“We were,” I whispered back. Only Alessia was so much stronger than I was.
“You could come back to us.”
“Thank you, but you know I can’t.”
“So, you are running then? Alexei will be—”
“Alexei isn’t here.” I looked around again, double-checking that I hadn’t missed him, but he wasn’t there. I hadn’t really expected him to come. Alexei had made his decision. My friend’s face fell.
“It’s OK, Gabriella. I’m fine.” I lied because I wasn’t sure anything would ever be fine again. “You get back to that handsome, doting husband of yours.” I forced myself to smile. “I’m so glad I met you,” I added and enveloped her in a hug.
“I don’t want to leave you.”
I gave her shoulders a little shove. “Go before you catch your death. I need to speak to Micah and Mrs. Cole anyway.”
One last hug, and she walked back to her waiting car. I greeted the rest of the gathering, people I worried about. Some of my old staff. I accepted their condolences with absolutely no feeling in my voice until, finally, Mrs. Cole was standing in front of me.
She didn’t ask how I was. “Where will you go now?”
I shrugged. “Away,” I admitted. “I don’t think it matters where.”
And that was the truth of it. I didn’t really have a plan past getting away and trying to restart my life.
“It matters to me.”
I gave her an awkward one-armed hug and lifted my face to the hulking Russian behind her. “Micah, can you—”
“I’ll take you wherever you want to go, Amy,” he said finally.
“You’re not my driver, Micah. You don’t need to do that.”
“I’m not doing it as a driver. I’m doing it as your friend.”
“Thank you, but I don’t need a lift anyway. I just need someone to give Alexei,” bending down, I rummaged into the overnight at my feet and pulled free a small envelope with Alexei’s name scribbled on the front, “this.” I waited for him to take it from me.
“Amy,” he plucked it from my fingers and slid it into the inside pocket of his jacket. “I’ll make sure he gets it personally. Just him, not anyone else.”
“I know you will.” For a second, I closed my eyes. “I really can’t thank you both enough for everything you have done. I would have been totally lost without the both of you.”
“Just come home with me,” Mrs Cole said.
I cut her off with a shake of my head. “You know I can’t. But I do have one last thing to ask both of you, and I’m sorry, but I need to have your promise.”
Micah understood first. “We won’t tell him about the baby. You have our word.”
Mrs. Cole nodded her head. “Just come home for one night,” she tried again.
And again, I shook my head. “I have my train booked.” I lied. “I just want to spend a few minutes with my sister before I have to leave.”
They nodded their heads and shuffled away, leaving me standing at the graveside completely alone. And I was alone for the first time in my life. I had no one else. No family, apart from the baby growing in my belly. I would have to be enough family for them.
I would have to be stronger than ever for them. Not moving, I stared down at the open grave and waited. A small part of me was still holding out hope that Alexei would come for me. That he would finally choose me.
It was dark when the grave diggers approached. Shovels in their hands.
“Miss?” the older one asked, and I jumped at the sound of his voice, surprised to find that darkness had fallen. How long had I just been standing here?
“Are you OK, Miss?”
Alexei hadn’t come. I hadn’t really expected him to really.
“Do you need us to call someone to come and collect you?”
“No.” My voice came out steady. “No, there’s no one for you to call. I’ll go now.” Bending, I picked up the duffel bag and tossed it over my shoulder. “Sorry to be such a bother.”
“You’re not, miss. If you need—”
“I don’t. Thank you, though.”
I gave one last look around, and then, reaching up, I piled my drenched curly hair into a ponytail at the back of my head and walked away. I didn’t look back. Alessia was dead and cold in the ground, but she would live on through me. I would channel her strength and raise my child.
To escape this nightmare, I would become strong like my sister, and I would live.
Far, far away from Alexei Petrovov. My head held high and my back ramrod straight, I walked out of the graveyard and into the street, half expecting to hear the screech of tires and Alexei’s voice calling for me. Which of course didn’t happen.
I let the bright lights of the city envelope me, and I disappeared into the busy street. I walked towards the bus depot, and I didn’t once look back. No one was going to rush to stop me.
The baby and I were officially on our own.