18. Kane
EIGHTEEN
KANE
My guts were a tangle of knots as I sat at the dining table at Otto and Raven’s house. It was situated near the floor-to-ceiling windows that overlooked the forest and the south end of the lake low in the distance since their place was set high on the mountain.
The view was nothing but stunning.
Guessed that’s what I was.
Stunned.
Fucking shocked at what I’d felt when I’d met that little girl.
Every molecule in my being altered at first sight.
The pulsing of love and devotion that had completely taken me over. A crash of complete surrender when she’d smiled up at me with eyes the exact same color as mine.
The same color as my mother’s.
Most shocking was the action I’d taken when I’d realized there was no chance I was going to be able to walk out of her life.
I squeezed my left hand into a fist, the tattoo on the back of my hand burning anew.
The petals dripping off the wilted rose almost feeling like they were coming back to life.
You take care of who you love most .
Didn’t quite get the fullness of that statement until I’d seen my little girl’s precious face.
Then there was the shock at what I’d felt when I’d seen the picture of Emmalee and recognition had finally taken me over.
That was an entirely different story.
Hell, I likely would have recognized her from the beginning if it hadn’t been for the fact that she’d called herself Lee.
So, now I sat with a tumbler of scotch while I stared blankly out into Otto and Raven’s living room at the mayhem that normally would have had me cackling and jumping right in.
Our Sunday family gathering was typically my favorite day of the week, but right then, I wasn’t entirely sure how to take part in the festivities.
Taylor Swift blared from the speakers as Raven, Charleigh, and Nolan danced around in the open area on the other side of the couch.
Laughter booming in the house.
“Watch this one, Auntie!” My nephew Nolan shouted it as he dropped to the ground and spun on his butt. “You think you can top it? Because I bet my Daddy-O is gonna give it a perfect ten!”
Nah, the kid wasn’t my actual nephew. River and Charleigh’s son unrelated by blood.
But that’s what he was to me.
Every single one of these people within these walls were.
That same devotion I’d felt earlier forever clanging in my heart whenever I was around them.
But it had never quite been what I was feeling today.
The way my pulse was chugging extra hard at the thought of the way my life was getting ready to change. A gong resounding in my head, pain splitting it in two, my mind all fucked up at the possibility of Maci being out there in the mix.
What that might be like.
The perfection of it, while I knew it was entirely wrong.
Knowing it was insane that I had let that claim roll off my tongue when my life was what it was. When I was who I was.
Knowing the things I did and what I was involved in .
What I planned on doing four days from now, plus the Sovereign business we had coming up in two weeks.
But it’d already been delivered as fact.
“A ten? No way am I good enough for that!” Raven, River’s baby sister and Otto’s fiancée, was teasing him as she helped him jump back onto his feet.
Charleigh was there beside them with one of her unending smiles on her pretty face.
The two women were pure, striking beauties. Inside and out. River and Otto were lucky fucking bastards, somehow managing to gain the love of those two.
“You gotta believe in yourself, Auntie.” Nolan shouted it. “That’s what my uncle Otto always tells me, at least.”
Raven cast a glance at Otto who was leaning against the counter next to River, two of them nursing beers. Dude had nothing but hearts in his eyes, smitten as hell.
He tipped his bottle her direction and called, “Come now, Moonflower, show our little dude what you’ve got.”
Raven cracked up and dropped to the floor and started spinning herself around the way Nolan had been doing.
“What about you, Momma Dog?” Nolan cast his beaming grin up at Charleigh.
She giggled, and I would have laughed too if the title Momma hadn’t struck me this way.
Grief for a little girl who was going to have a hole carved out in the middle of herself forever.
The same kind of hole that throbbed inside of me.
No goddamn way for me to fill it when I wanted to be the one who could shield her from every sadness and sorrow. Hold her up high the way I’d done in the lake.
Protect her always.
Both her physical safety and her sweet, innocent heart.
“I think I’m fine on my feet,” Charleigh said as she did some horrible dance move that threatened a smile at the edge of my mouth. “See? ”
As hard as I was trying to play this shit off, could feel the way my crew kept peeking my way.
Otto and River peeping at me like I was some riddle they were trying to solve.
In discomfort, I shifted in my seat because I didn’t need to be the target of their questions today.
Not when everything felt too heavy.
The magnitude of the shift.
What had I done? Demanding that I bring that kid into my life?
My chest ached. Even though I knew it, there was no chance of a different outcome.
Knew there was no letting go. The instinct I had. This promise that had to be made.
Battle going down inside me, I took a sip from my tumbler as I let my attention drift out the window toward the lake.
Every time that little girl’s face passed through my mind, I was stunned all over again.
Couldn’t shake the expression that had been written on Emery’s face, either.
The agony that had cut through her middle when I’d told her that I wanted to raise Maci. The way she couldn’t form a response even though it was clear in her eyes she had plenty to say.
My Little Warrior was going to give me a fight, but it wasn’t like I was just going to rip the child from everything she knew, either.
Blowing out the strain, I tried to force my focus back to my family. To play this thing the way I always did. But apparently, I wasn’t fooling anyone considering a minute later Otto came sauntering my way with a smirk written all over his face. Didn’t mean it wasn’t obvious he was on a mission.
I couldn’t even bring myself to acknowledge him, knowing I was likely to bust apart if I even opened my mouth.
I winced when the toe of his boot pushed into my calf, his voice held in a whisper as he demanded, “What the hell is up with you, man?”
“Nothin’.” Could barely force it out, and I took another swig to try to wet the drought I couldn’t quench in my throat .
“Nothin’? You’ve been sitting over here acting like a broody fucker for the whole day when you’re normally over there instigating the shenanigans.”
Otto pointed a finger at Charleigh, Raven, and Nolan who were currently skipping around in a circle, holding each other’s hands.
Anxiety billowed through.
Didn’t know how to lie to my best friend point blank. My brother who knew me better than anyone.
I skimmed a shaking hand over my hair and cocked my head to the side, trying to swallow as I fully looked Otto in the face.
True concern had taken hold of his features. No question, he had caught up to the fact that whatever was going down with me was big.
And I couldn’t hold it.
Couldn’t contain it.
The blunt confession came spilling out.
“Seems I have a kid. And her mother is dead.”
Dude’s eyes doubled in size, rounding as he rocked back in his chair like he was the one who’d been delivered the blow. “What the fuck?”
He probably said it a little too loud since it caused Theo to dart us a questioning glance from where he was relaxed back on the couch.
Otto shifted forward again, lowering his voice and repeating the same damned thing like I hadn’t heard him the first time. “What the fuck, man?”
Agitated, I took another sip.
“Got a kid. A little girl.”
“How old?”
“Four.”
“Are you sure she’s yours?” Speculation filled his tone.
“She looks just like me.” I hesitated before I admitted, “And I remember her mom.”
“Who was she?”
My head shook as the memories swarmed. Memories that weren’t necessarily good. Way I’d caught her snooping around in my office at the back of Kane’s after we’d hooked up .
“Just this random chick I met at Kane’s.” I grunted out what was only partially a lie.
Disbelief deepened the lines on Otto’s forehead. “Some random chick? Can’t imagine siftin’ through a stack that high. And you remember this one from what…close to five years ago?”
I hiked an indifferent shoulder. “What can I say…I have a good memory.”
Which was why I was sure Emery had felt so familiar. No, they weren’t indistinguishable or some shit like that. But there was a likeness. And you could say there was something sketchy about Emmalee that had left a mark.
“Fuck, Kane.” He paused, eyes hunting around his living room like in it he was gonna find a clue. His voice dredged in the direction of disturbed when he continued, “How’d you find out?”
“Her sister came looking for me.”
“And what did?—?”
“I met her earlier today.” I cut him off before his question was fully out. Needing him to understand. Sure the tone of my voice would tell him everything he needed to know.
It did because he blew out a strained sigh, and he barely nodded his head. “I can only imagine what that might be like.”
“Changes your life in an instant.” It rolled out of me as a claim.
“That what this is? A complete change?” he hedged.
“Yup.” My insides rattled when I said it.
He chuckled out a low sound. “Daddy Kane. Can’t fuckin’ believe it.”
“Not a joke, man.” I blinked through the disorder. “Don’t know how the fuck to bring a little girl into this world. My life is…” I trailed off, unable to say it.
Otto leaned in close, any of the teasing he’d possessed evaporating as he curled a hand around my shoulder. “Don’t, Kane. Don’t question who you are or whether you’ve got the right. You’re a good man, and you’re going to be a good father.”
The sharp blade of a scoff ripped out. “A good man? You forget the things we get up to? ”
And there was no way in hell I could go back on either of the jobs I had planned. Not the one my crew knew about or the one I kept in secret.
This was getting messy.
Really fucking messy.
Maci’s little laugh threaded through my mind, meeting with Nolan’s as he came skipping around the island and into the kitchen.
“Time out! I gotta get some water because I’m super thirsty, and it’s really smart to stay hydrated,” he hollered.
“Look at him, Kane.” Otto lowered his voice further.
“That kid is happy as fuck, just like my kids are gonna be when I get lucky enough to have them, just like your daughter is going to be. We take care of them. Protect them. Love the hell out of them. You can count on that. Don’t try to convince yourself you don’t deserve this when there’s obviously a child here, needing you. ”
Nolan went skating back out, slipping and sliding on his socks, holding an overflowing glass of water in two hands and trying to balance it as he shouted, “Dance party unpaused!”
The chairs on the opposite side of the table suddenly screeched, and Theo and River each plopped onto a seat.
“What’s goin’ on over here?” River asked, concern in that dark, knowing gaze.
“Seems our boy Kane here has some news,” Otto supplied.
Interest piqued in Theo right as River asked, “Yeah, what’s that?”
Found no point in keeping it secret. This was it. My reality.
So, I grunted, “I have a little girl, and I’m going to raise her.”