Chapter 32
Jake
S tepping out of the shower, I pull on boxers and a tank top and sink into the chair by the bed. My hands run through my damp hair.
The city lights flicker and dance across the glass windows, but the spectacle holds no fascination for me tonight. I stare at the bed, too vast for a single occupant, and sigh.
My phone rings, piercing the silence. It’s a group call with Sarah and Alex. I hesitate for a moment, caught between the desire for company and the inclination to wallow in solitude. I reach for the phone, preparing myself for their well-meaning chatter.
“You look awful,” Sarah points out as soon as I appear on the screen.
I force a chuckle, rubbing the back of my neck. “Geez, thank you.”
Her laughter is loud and unreserved. “Just admit you were wrong, and I was right.” She leans into the camera, her eyebrows arching in playful challenge.
“What are you talking about?” I slouch back in my chair and pretend to be clueless.
Her smile softens as she tilts her head, her gaze knowing. “I told you had feelings for her, but you denied it.”
“I just had a long day, that’s all.”
“She probably misses you too,” she adds gently.
“Do you guys still talk?” The question escapes me before I can rein it in, revealing more interest than I intended.
“Yeah, we’re friends, and I’m actually going to France for her surprise birthday party. I hate that she thinks no one is coming, and she’s a little sad about it.” Sarah says, and my heart skips a beat.
“Surprise birthday party?"
“Wait, you didn’t know? Mia’s grandmother invited us over, and she’s paying for everything,” she continues, and there’s a pause as my silence fills the screen.
“Well, I didn’t know.” My gaze drifts away from the camera to hide the confusion and hurt that suddenly wash over me.
“You should come,” Alex cuts in through the fog of my thoughts. “She would be happy to see you.”
I shake my head and run my fingers through my hair. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. She probably doesn’t want me there.” My words catch in my throat.
I’m afraid of seeing her with someone else, or that she’s moved on, and I haven’t. What if she’s happy without me? What if there’s someone else now who can make her smile the way I once did? She deserves the world, and I was too stupid to see it. Instead, I offered her a summer fling.
“Plus, I’m busy with the hotel renovations. I definitely don’t have time for a vacation right now.”
“Okay, I just hope you don’t regret anything once she’s moved on and is happy with someone else,” Sarah raises her eyebrows.
“Does that mean she hasn’t moved on? Does she ask about me?”
“I don’t know, Jake, what don’t you take your head out of your ass and find out?” she snaps. Sarah rarely gets mad, but when she does, it’s both formidable and a bit terrifying. Alex is trying to stifle a laugh in the other square on the screen.
We all fall silent for a few minutes, each of us lost in our thoughts, before Alex tries to break the tension. “Since you guys kind of know each other, any gift ideas of what to get her?”
“She loves crystals, and of course, books.” I’m not even sure if he was asking or Sarah. I reach out and rub the emerald necklace around my neck that somehow makes me feel connected to her.
We continue the conversation for a few more minutes, and I can tell that Sarah’s irritation hasn’t fully subsided by the way her eyes narrow and her mouth sets into a thin line.
“I’ll send you the information, just in case you grow a pair of balls and decide to come,” she says before hanging up.
“I have balls,” I mutter to myself as the screen goes dark. I’m left sitting alone, the room suddenly too quiet. Her words linger like a challenge I’m not sure I’m ready to meet.
Standing up from the chair, I pace around the room. The city lights through the glass window do nothing to calm me. Is Sarah right? Do I still have a chance with her?
Walking into my closet, I throw on shorts and a shirt, my movements are quick and agitated. I head downstairs to the gym, unable to stand still. It’s nearly 9 p.m. but sleep is impossible with all this pent-up energy.
In the locker room, I grab my boxing gloves and slam the door shut. They offer slight comfort as I slip them on. My breathing is heavy and uneven. I stride into the boxing room, body tense and ready to throw some punches.
I stand before the heavy bag, positioning myself, my fists ready. Each punch I throw lands with a thud, the bag absorbing the impact, swaying with each hit. It’s been a whole year, and I’ve been with other women, but nothing compares to how it felt being with her.
Sweat pours down my face, each breath heavier than the last, as I confront the painful truth—she still owns my heart, body, and soul. After exhausting myself at the bag, I stumble into one of the gym showers, letting the cool water cascade over my muscles, numbing the physical and emotional ache for a moment.
Drying off, I change into fresh clothes from my bag and head back to my room. Once there, I strip down to my boxers, settling in to work on some posts for tomorrow.
As I sift through my emails, Jessie’s name catches my eye—an email left untouched for a year. The unresolved feelings tighten in my chest. I know I need to reach out to her, but before I can, I need to talk to my mom. It’s a conversation long overdue.
I hit the video call button, and my stomach knots with anticipation, tightening further when her face fills the screen.
“Jake, could this not have waited until tomorrow?” Her eyebrows pull together in a frown, her annoyance palpable even through the screen. I know it’s late, but this couldn’t wait.
I shake my head, my hands fidget on my lap. “No, Mom, it can’t.”
We’ve never really talked about what happened with her and my dad, why they split, and everything in between. There’s a lot I need to understand.
I take a deep breath, steadying myself against the back of my chair. “So, what really happened between you and Dad?” I can blame the hotel and Jessie, but I have a feeling there’s more to the story.
“Why now, Jake? After all these years.” She sighed, her face softening a bit.
“I just… I need to understand.” Why did he stop loving me. I rub the back of my neck.
Her eyes drift past the camera. “Your dad and I were high school sweethearts. I ended up pregnant, and our parents insisted we get married.”
“Wait, but I thought you said you two eloped because you were in love?” My head flinches back.
She meets my gaze again, a trace of sadness in her eyes. “That was a story for the outside world. We did care for each other deeply, but it wasn’t the passionate love we pretended it was. We stayed together for you, tried to make it work.”
“Is that why you guys used to fight all the time? Because of me?” I rub my forehead.
“We were both struggling with our own issues and we took them out on each other. He hated working at the hotel, and I hated feeling like I was stuck. Whenever he was home, we would always argue, so he started spending most of his time at the hotel.”
“But that doesn’t excuse the fact that you guys abandoned me. He would disappear for days, and when he was home, all you guys did was fight. Then, you would hide yourself in your room.” My voice catches as I let out years of pent up anger and resentment.
I push away from my desk and stand up, pacing the room as I try to hold back the tide of emotions threatening to break free. I crack my fingers, my mind racing with memories I’ve locked away. The lonely nights I’ve cried myself to sleep. Or the ones where I hid in my closet so I didn’t have to hear them fighting again.
“I needed you,” the words spill out with a slight tremor. “I needed both of you, and you weren’t there.” I lean closer to the screen, planting my fists on the desk. “Do you have any idea what that feels like? To be a kid and constantly wondering why did my father stop loving me? What the fuck did I do wrong?” My eyes lock on the screen, searching for some kind of explanation, anything that would make this hurt any less. Her green eyes stare back at me, fill with unshed tears. But it did nothing to ease the pain in my chest. But nothing can, I just have to learn to live with it.
She opens her mouth to speak, but I hold my hand to stop her.
“Uncle Mark was a better father than Dad ever was. He was there for me when I needed him. Not you, not Dad. Him. If it weren’t for uncle Mark and my friends, I would be completely alone.” I really wish he was here. He died when I was sixteen and I mourned him for months.
I sit on the chair, crossing my arms over my chest. I didn’t plan for this conversation to turn out the way it did, but I’m glad it did.
Her eyes shine with unshed tears. “I understand you’re angry, and I’m so sorry. We were not the best parents, but your dad and I loved you very much. That never changed.”
A sharp, almost bitter laugh escapes me. “You guys had some strange way of showing it. You don’t hurt people you love. You don’t sleep with your son’s girl if you love him.” She doesn’t flinch at my words. “You knew about Jessie, didn't you?”
“Yes.” She rubs the bridge of her nose.
“Did you know they had a daughter?”
“Yes.” She nods as pain crinkles in the corner of her eyes.
I tell her about the email Jessie sent me about a year ago and how I never reached out to her.
“Jake, I’m not excusing your father’s actions or what happened with Jessie. That was wrong on so many levels. How you handle this with Jessie and your half-sister is your choice. ”
“For years I’ve hated love, avoided it like a disease. I didn’t want it knowing how easy someone could stop loving you, even your own father.” My voice cracks, choked by the tears I’m trying so hard to hold back. “Then, there was Jessie, I really liked her. Maybe I could have loved her, but he took that chance away from me. My fucking father, and that hurt more than him neglecting me.” A painful knot forms in my throat. Tears burn at the corner of my eyes but I can’t let them fall. I’m not that broken little boy anymore.
“Oh, Jake, I’m so sorry.” She sighs deeply, her face softening as she looks at me through the screen. “Falling in love is exhilarating,” she continues, there’s a warmth in her eyes that I’ve missed. She leans closer, as if to emphasize her point. “Find that person who makes you want to keep falling in love with them, to push through even when it gets tough. Eventually, that love will grow and mature into something truly beautiful.” She pauses, her eyes pleading. “I’m so sorry we made you think it’s something to avoid. You shouldn’t deprive yourself of something so wonderful because of our mistakes.”
“Sorry doesn’t change the past.” It doesn’t change the fact that I did find that person I wanted to fall in love with, but I couldn’t be the guy that he needed. The one that could love her completely.
She nods, her face crumpling. “I understand, and I know it’s not enough and that I can’t change the past. I’m here now, and I want to make things right if you’ll let me.”
“I don’t know, Mom.” I turn away from the screen. I still need time to process everything. Part of me wants to forgive her but the little neglected boy inside of me is not ready to forgive her.
“I’m not asking you to forgive me right now. But I hope one day you’ll let me try to fix this. Fix us.” She pauses her eyes searching mine, silently pleading for a chance. The silence stretches between us. Maybe one day I’ll find it in myself to forgive her but not today.
“Bye, Mom.” I say ending the call.
Sitting back on my chair, memories of the summer play in my head. The early mornings at the waterfall, the warm nights of her embrace, her smile, her laughter.
I had fallen in love with her every day that summer, and I could easily keep falling for her forever.
My mom was right about one thing. I shouldn’t let their mistakes deprive me of the most exhilarating feelings I ever felt.
I miss her.
I love her.
I need her.
I just hope it’s not too late.