Chapter 22 Atlas
Chapter twenty-two
Atlas
Sunday
The blare of my alarm woke me from a restless sleep way too early.
Why the fuck did airlines have early-morning flights?
Being at the airport at least an hour before a seven am flight was not my idea of a good time.
Miles had offered to drop me off at the airport, and that drive would take another hour of my morning, so yeah.
My alarm had gone off way too fucking early.
Miles stirred beside me, and I cringed as I sat up, reaching over to brush some hair from his forehead. “Morning, baby. It’s too early. Go back to sleep for a few more minutes.” He’d only need to brush his teeth and throw on some clothes, after all.
My boy mumbled and groaned, but after a few moments of struggling to wake up, he shoved up to sitting and his eyes finally opened.
“No way, Daddy,” he slurred, sleepy and adorable despite the fact my heart was breaking at the thought of leaving him.
“I’m not wasting any of my last moments with you. ”
I bit back a sob as I leaned in, pressing a closed-mouth kiss to his lips.
“That’s very sweet, baby.” I glanced over at my almost-full suitcase I’d packed in the bits and pieces of time I’d managed to steal over the last thirty-six hours.
I planned to come back to pack up my rental house in July, after I’d had some time to settle in at work. “Want to help me finish packing?”
Miles blinked again, scrubbing his hand over his face before nodding. “Okay.” He pushed to standing, and his naked ass—that I could barely see by the light of the waning moon was still red—came into view as he stood in place and stretched before circling the bed to get to the door.
Fuck, how could I leave him? Another sob choked me, but I shoved it down. I’d have plenty of time to cry on the plane. I just had to get through the next few hours.
I swallowed hard, hoping my voice came out strong despite the emotions threatening to drown me. “Will you make coffee while I shower, my sweet baby boy?”
He’d made it to my side of the bed, and at my words, he aborted his journey to the hallway and turned back to me, sweeping me to my feet and into a massive hug. I squeezed him so tightly I was almost afraid he’d break, but Miles was the strongest man I’d ever met. He could take me.
Even the thought of him taking me last night couldn’t pull me out of my spiral. And as our embrace lengthened, as we pulled each other ever tighter, a short, not-quiet-enough cry finally did break free.
At the sound, Miles leaned back, searching my watery eyes. “Oh, Daddy,” he offered, “it’s okay.”
My boy was consoling me despite the devastation in his eyes telling me his own heart was being torn in two. Yup. Definitely the strongest person I’d ever met.
I pressed up on my toes to plant a kiss on his lips. “It’s not, but I appreciate you saying that, baby boy.”
His own eyes were glistening. “I love you, Atlas.”
The lack of “Daddy” was stark, but I understood. This was how he was saying goodbye. “I love you, Miles. With my whole heart.”
He leaned his forehead against mine. “How do we do this? How do I let you go?”
I swallowed again, taking a step back. Then I drew in a deep breath and let it out before I answered him. “I’ll be back soon to pack everything up.” But not soon enough. “So this isn’t goodbye forever.”
Miles nodded. We’d discussed my tentative timeline for returning to Gomillion, but my gut churned as I speculated about what might happen in the meantime.
Now that he’d finally come out, would Miles move on?
Surely he wouldn’t find someone else that quickly, but my mind swirled with the possibilities, however unlikely.
I took a breath, steeling myself for what I needed to say next.
It was way too fucking early in the morning for this conversation, but we were out of time.
“And I think we need to take that time to decide what we truly want for ourselves without our love for each other clouding our judgment. We need to decide what we want to be to each other moving forward.”
Tears spilled down his cheeks as he nodded, bravery splashed across his shuddering bottom lip and effortful smile. “I already know who you are to me,” he admitted, his voice barely a whisper. “You’re my everything.”
My face crumpled then, and I couldn’t hold in the cries that wrenched from the very depths of me. Bawling, I reached up to cup his beautiful stubbled jaw. “Oh, my sweet baby boy, you’re my everything as well. For always.” I gasped around a sob. “Just not for right now.”
His answering cry broke me, and I slumped to the bed. He fell beside me with a small whimper of pain, his arms wrapping around my body as we wept together.
This wasn’t fair. Why would life let us finally find each other only to tear us apart?
My momma’s words echoed in my head, reminding me this would somehow work out if it was meant to be, but they were a hollow reassurance. Nothing made this better right now.
Not when I couldn’t breathe without him by my side.
I wasn’t sure how long it took our sobs to finally quiet, but I was certain we were running out of time. I glanced at my bedside clock and straightened, scrubbing at the tears under my eyes. “We need to get going, baby boy.”
Miles dried his own eyes, checking the time as well. He stood, pulling on a pair of boxer briefs, jeans, and a T-shirt from one of the drawers I’d given him in my dresser. “Okay, Atlas. You grab a shower, I’ll start the coffee. I’ll come brush my teeth in a bit.”
I nodded, pushing to my feet though they felt like lead as I dragged myself into my bathroom. Miles moved into the hall with an equal lack of vigor.
After quickly brushing my teeth and using the restroom, I hopped in the shower, washing the gel from my hair from the night before.
Sorrow was threatening to drown me as I perfunctorily moved through the routine of bathing without really knowing what I was doing.
After crying myself out just moments before in the arms of the man I loved, I felt numb.
Maybe that was good. Maybe it was the best I could hope for right now.
Would this be the rest of my life?
Miles stepped inside the restroom, shooting me a sad smile through the transparent curtain before turning toward the sink, brushing his teeth and washing his face with a notable lack of energy. Maybe he’d gone into numb mode, too.
When I finished, turned off the shower, and opened the curtain, Miles stood in front of me, fluffy towel held wide.
With a sad but genuine smile, I stepped over the edge of the tub and into his embrace.
After a moment, he stepped back and dried me off slowly, sensually, inch by inch.
We’d never done this before, but this felt good, right.
It also felt like goodbye.
I swallowed hard. I will not cry. But every act of tenderness from Miles challenged my resolve. As soon as I was dry, he hung my towel on the rack and handed me the coffee he’d set out of the way on the countertop. I took a sip of the perfectly sweetened milky liquid and sighed. “Thank you, baby.”
“Of course.” He nodded, his jaw set like he was trying not to break down again. It felt like a wall between us, and though I understood it—though I was doing the same thing—I fucking hated it.
I followed him back into my bedroom, where he reached for the coffee he’d left on a coaster atop the dresser. We had coasters everywhere since our drinks traveled around the house with us all the time.
Well . . . I had coasters everywhere. Miles didn’t live here.
I hadn’t had time to ask him to move in with me before everything went to shit.
I’d give him my house key before I left, and he was going to look after things here until I could come back, but he didn’t live here.
And I thought I’d probably regret that for the rest of my life.
I dressed, we topped off my suitcase, then Miles packed the car as I did a once-over of my house to make sure I had everything I needed. Sure, I wasn’t moving all my stuff today, but this still felt like I was leaving and wouldn’t ever come back. I knew that wasn’t true, but it felt like it was.
We were at the airport sooner than expected due to the lack of traffic this time of day, the boulder in my gut growing with every passing mile. When Miles pulled up to Departures, a tear slipped free. Fuck, this was the hardest thing I’d done in my life.
I unbuckled my seat belt, but when I didn’t open the door, Miles turned to me. I didn’t want him to see my tears, but I wasn’t going to miss my chance to say goodbye for the world. Maybe just goodbye for now?
God, I hoped that was true.
Tears were streaking down Miles’s cheeks as he reached up to tuck my unruly hair behind my ear. I hadn’t bothered to put product in it today, so it just hung limply on the side of my head, a visual representation of how much this day could just fuck right off.
“Have a safe trip, Daddy. I’ll miss you every moment of every day.” A half sob spilled from his lips before he caught it, swallowed it back. His next words, whispered with voice cracking, broke me. “I love you with all that I am.”
I threw myself at him, wrapping my arms around his neck as I sobbed.
His arms snaked around my waist and pulled me close to him, the closest we could get with the damn console between us.
“I love you more than anything, my sweet baby boy.” I pulled back to look into his tear-stained eyes.
“This isn’t goodbye forever, right? I’ll see you when I come back in July. ”
Miles nodded, but I could see in his eyes that his heart wasn’t in it.
Even if he got to the point where he felt he’d finally taken control of his life, would he even want to uproot himself and move out to Seattle to be with me?
Or would our separation hurt so much that he’d come out West before he’d done all he’d meant to do, making him resent me?
Or maybe the crushing weight of this grief would make me unable to stay in Seattle, and I would give up everything—including the life I wanted—to move back to Gomillion to be with Miles.
There were so many ways this could go sideways, and even I could recognize that these heightened emotions did not put me in the best mindset to make those kinds of decisions.
No, we needed space from this, time to get our heads sorted.
Once we could think more clearly, we could figure it out. I had to believe that.
Fuck knew this weekend had been a whirlwind. Once the dust settled, maybe the perfect solution would present itself.
We pulled away from each other, and I took a fortifying breath before opening my door. Miles did the same, popping the trunk of my car—I planned to leave him the keys for my vehicle, too—and pulling out my luggage.
He slammed the trunk shut, and I just stood there, staring up at him. Luggage and passengers surrounded us, but I saw nothing but him.
My sweet baby boy.
My beautiful Miles.
The man I loved.
The man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
The man I was leaving behind.
I pulled him into one last hug, squeezing until there was nothing between us. Then I kissed him, my tongue tangling with his in a slow dance, our hearts melding even as they were being ripped from our chests.
Then I broke the kiss, a single involuntary sob leaping out of my throat, and took a step backward. Squaring my shoulders, I offered Miles the sweetest smile I could manage. When I said “I love you” once more and he said it back in that cracking, broken voice, I nearly called the whole thing off.
But then I steeled my resolve, gathered my suitcase and shoulder bag, and turned and walked away from the love of my life.