12. Chapter 12
Chapter twelve
C arson had always hated the cold and frozen sections of the grocery store. It didn’t matter how hot the day was, or how many layers she was wearing, her fingers and toes would always go numb whenever she went to purchase frozen dinners. Right now she had her fingers shoved under her armpits while Jax perused the assortment of steaks. After dinner with Hunter and Raegan, Jax had asked Carson if they could stop at the Safeway down the road because he was running low on groceries.
“I meant to ask you, are you a chef or something?” Carson asked.
He looked at her, then back to the red meat. “No. Why?”
“When I was at your house, I saw all of the knives on the wall.”
Jax tossed two thick ribeyes into the cart. “I think it’s important to have the right tools for each job.”
“So you don’t use the same knife to cube a steak and slice carrots?”
Jax gave Carson a repulsed look. “Never.”
They wandered into the dessert aisle. There were so many options to choose from: double-stuffed cookies, bags of hard candy, strawberry wafers, glazed donuts, every flavor of mints.
“So, you were inspecting my house, huh? Any other assumptions?” he asked.
“I assumed you had a Dalmatian, since you’re a firefighter. ”
“Can’t. I’m allergic.”
“Allergic to dogs? That sucks.” It was difficult for her to imagine being unable to snuggle a puppy.
Jax grabbed a package of Oreos off the shelf. “Not just dogs. Practically any animal with hair.” He put the Oreos back and chose the off-brand version instead.
“Horses?” she asked.
“Yep.”
“Cats.”
“Swell up like a balloon.”
“What about hamsters?”
That made him think for a second. “I don’t think I’ve ever held a hamster.”
“There’s a pet store up the road,” Carson teased. “We can test it out.”
“You want to put my life in danger?”
“I know how to dial nine-one-one.” Carson winked.
Catching her by the elbow Jax pulled her toward him, pressing their bodies close together, his hand on the small of her back. “Wink for me again. That was sexy.”
She laughed.
“I see you found yourself a new girl,” interrupted a velvety voice.
Startled, Carson tore away from Jax.
Beady eyes adorned with fake lashes trailed up and down Carson, clearly not thrilled at what they were seeing. Hair extensions, long and full, cascaded past the woman’s face. A manicured finger steadily tapped against her inner bicep. The suede boots she wore consumed most of her legs.
Carson instantly recognized the woman from Modern Locks’ website while simultaneously feeling Jax’s body go rigid at the sight of his ex-wife .
“Is this why you won’t pay me anymore?” Kristen pouted, her bottom lip jutting out. “My lawyer will be interested to learn about your new little friend.” Venom curled around each word.
Jax, who still had an arm around Carson’s waist, pulled her closer to his body. “We’re not having this discussion.”
Carson glanced up at him shocked because she had never experienced Jax this angry . Animosity rippled from him in waves. The muscles in his neck were taut, his jaw ticking.
“Fine.” Brushing off Jax’s bitterness, Kristen picked at a piece of lint on her arm. “You know how I live, Jax.” Carson flinched at his name on her tongue. “I need the income. Maybe we can lower the amount to something more manageable.”
The grip on Carson’s waist grew firmer. “I said, we are not talking about this,” Jax spat.
As if she were the one being attacked, Kristen lifted her palms. “We’ll just wait to see what the judge says. I won once. I can win again.”
Carson’s jaw unhinged, and Jax didn’t justify the words with a response. Apparently Kristen wasn’t expecting one, because she gave one last fleeting glare at Carson, then strode past them as if this had been an ordinary encounter.
Jax was an indignant statue: tense and scowling. Carson could only imagine what he was thinking and feeling, what he had gone through being married to that woman. Then he had to relive it month after month after month, every time he had to write those damned checks.
The stone cracked, and Jax’s sullen mask melted away, though his eyebrows stayed furrowed. A curse slipped from his lips, before his shoulders sagged even more, the burden of his circumstances too heavy for him to carry .
“Will us being together affect my chances of ending spousal support?” he asked apprehensively.
“No,” Carson assured him. “It won’t.”
The tension alleviated from Jax’s body, but only a little. He cupped her face with his hand. “I hope she didn’t offend you.”
Carson kissed his palm. “Not at all. I’m more worried about you.”
The corner of his lips barely lifted. “I’m used to it.”
While Jax put away his groceries, Carson sat at the edge of the kitchen counter, her feet dangling inches from the floor. Ever since seeing Kristen at the grocery store, Jax had been quiet. Very quiet. In fact, his forehead was still creased. The lines had apparently made themselves as permanent as his tattoo.
It seemed he was taking his frustrations out on the purchased food. The milk jug thudded as he dropped it in the fridge. He tossed the box of protein bars in a cabinet with a little more force than Carson thought necessary. Not to mention the poor apples that were dumped into a wire basket, bruising their fragile skin.
“Do you want to talk about it?” she asked timidly.
Her fingers squeezed the edge of the counter when the pantry door slammed shut. Opposite her, Jax rested against the stove, arms crossed.
“What is there to talk about? It’s not like I can do anything.”
“That’s not true. You are doing something. Your trial is only a couple of weeks away. And I know the new judge assigned to your case. He’s extremely fair.”
Jax ran a hand down his face. “I don’t know, Carson. The only reason I’m taking her back to court is because my brother Billy talked me into it. It may be easier to pay her the money and be left alone.”
The defeat hung in the air between them, a dense fog not even the brightest lighthouse could cut through.
“Not when you now have a fighting chance,” Carson argued.
“You saw what happened at the store,” Jax said, swinging his arm out. “It’s only going to get worse. It’s not worth the fight.”
This wasn’t the first time Carson had heard this. Many of her clients had said the same thing. While many times that was true, some cases were worth the fight. She was strategic in choosing which legal battles she was willing to go to war over. Based on the facts she knew, and especially after meeting Kristen in person, Jax’s case was a sparring match Carson would enter the ring for.
Still, she decided not to speak, feeling as though it wasn’t her place to say anything more. She hadn’t been there during the divorce. She hadn’t experienced the dynamic between Kristen and Jax, the rise and fall of their relationship, or the twelve months’ worth of checks to an ex-spouse.
Interlacing his fingers behind his head, Jax looked up at the ceiling for a few seconds, then placed his palms on the counter behind him. “I don’t want to go through all of that again. I can’t go through it again.” He dropped his gaze to the porcelain-tile floor, his next words were raspy as if it pained him to speak. “I don’t know if I have the strength.”
Voice trailing off, he didn’t look at her. Carson could only guess the emotions inside him: pain and embarrassment. It made her sick that he might feel that way. He looked vanquished, as though it took everything he had just to stand there. His usual laid-back demeanor was depleted and empty.
“Why don’t you think you have the strength?” Carson asked.
The question stirred him. He switched the foot he was leaning on. Then switched back, scratching a cheek. The soft sound of fingernails on his close-cropped facial hair was loud in the quiet kitchen.
“Kristen cheated the whole year we were married. I’m still trying to figure out why she even married me when she wasn’t planning to be faithful. The only reason I can come up with is because she liked the idea of being married to a firefighter. Then, come to find out, she cheated the whole six years we were together.”
Carson had no idea what any of this had to do with his strength to go back to court, but she didn’t interrupt.
“When I think back on it, there were plenty of signs, but I trusted her. I believed in our relationship. I trusted our wedding vows. I was stupid enough to believe her lies. Ignorant enough to stay with her. It wasn’t until her affairs were right in front of me that I finally faced the truth. I mean, you can’t really ignore coming home from work to your wife screwing another man in your bed.”
Anger boiled inside Carson. She bit her tongue in an attempt to keep still and let him continue.
Pushing himself off the counter, Jax came to stand next to her, staring at the melamine cupboards in front of them.
“It was humiliating, living the life of the credulous husband. The divorce was awful. She fought over every little thing. I finally gave up and let her have it all. I walked away with nothing. She walked away with everything. And I didn’t handle it very well.” The tone of his voice shifted to something darker. “I drank. I drank a lot . So much that I almost lost my job. I hid it from my ma and brothers for as long as I could. You know, since my dad had been an alcoholic. How was I supposed to tell my ma that I was becoming an alcoholic just like him?” Jax’s breath caught on the last word. “I spent my whole life trying not to be like my father, and I ended up embodying his worst quality. I didn’t speak with my family for months, which ended up breaking my ma’s heart anyway.”
Finally, Jax looked at her. His face was desperate. Desperate for help, for relief, for his own nightmares to end. Carson knew the feeling.
“When I say I don’t think I have the strength to go through it all again,” Jax said, “what I mean is I don’t want to fall back into bad habits. It was ugly, Carson. I was ugly. I was a complete dick to everyone, and I don’t want you to ever see that part of me. If I go through with the trial and lose, I’m afraid it’ll happen again.”
Carson wondered, the night of the auction, if this was the reason Raegan had asked Jax if he was sure he wanted to go to court again.
She placed her fingers on his forearm. The muscle was tight with helplessness, and Carson felt helpless as well, not knowing what to do. If only she could protect him.
At her touch, she could feel Jax’s body soften. He pivoted until he was standing right in front of Carson, and she took him into her arms. He buried his face into her neck and his arms were tight around her chest. She didn’t mind that his embrace caused one of her fresh cuts to smart.
Only, Jax’s honesty fermented her guilt. It sliced Carson open and bled her shame all over them. Why couldn’t she be honest with him? Why couldn’t she stop her own bad habits? Why couldn’t she put her life back together just as he had and move forward?
Her contrition was more constrictive than his arms, because she was keeping secrets from him. Every day, every smile, every touch was layered in falsehood. It was as though every second spent together was a lie.
Lies
upon
lines
upon
lies.
Carson was a liar. She was no better than Kristen.