15
TAYLOR
A TIME FOR CONFESSION
The hot water pounds into the bathtub, sending a wave of steam towards the ceiling. I stare into the churning foam of bubbles, my mind consumed with what happened at the bunkhouse. It was all my fault. They sensed my weakness and preyed on it. It’s what happens to girls like me. If I was stronger or older, they would have left me alone. But I have victim written all over me. Mindy sensed it, and Beth, too.
Brian made me feel so on edge, bringing my past crashing back. Everything about him, from his tired, watery eyes to his grimy fingernails, felt familiar. I can’t begin to bury the past while the present provides such stark reminders. I think I’m okay, but then the sensation of Michael’s punishing grip on my ass and his hot breath on the back of my neck returns like a ghost wound. I can still smell the stale aroma of unwashed clothing and tobacco breath.
Collapsing into Jesse’s arms felt like a failure. These cowboys don’t want a weak woman who falls apart. They want a strong, practical wife who can handle all the stresses and strains of ranch life—a woman strong enough to be a wife to three powerful, brooding cowboys and a mother to their children.
Brian’s words were like a whip across my chest. You look like a kid. I was so mortified. So much for lipgloss and mascara and my attempts to dress more maturely. I might look young on the outside, but inside, I feel older than my years.
Worst of all, Mitch could hardly bring himself to look at Jesse. And that’s my fault, too. If it wasn’t for me, none of this would be happening. Jesse seemed so defeated. I’m starting to think things would be better for everyone if I wasn’t here.
I’ve lived enough of my life as part of an unhappy family.
Now, without meaning to, I’ve brought the same atmosphere here. I can’t live under that cloud, and I don’t want to bring Molly into yet another stressful situation. Although Jesse tried his best to comfort me, and I felt safe in his arms, I sense that he’s consumed with how much my arrival is affecting his life.
I feel so confused about being here.
Hearing nothing from Natalie about Molly is a constant pressure at the back of my skull.
Feeling tired to my bones, I perch on the edge of the bathtub and rub my hands over my face.
A disturbance from downstairs breaks my spinning thoughts, so I shut off the tap so that I can hear better.
Clint and Maverick are back. Their voices are raised enough to carry them all the way up to the second floor and through a closed door, but not enough for me to hear them clearly. I need to know what is going on. Silently, I pad out of the bathroom and open my bedroom door, just an inch at a time. Holding my breath, I creep along the landing and down the staircase as swiftly as I can. By this point, their voices have risen to almost crescendo level, and I doubt that they’ll hear me even if I wasn’t trying to conceal my presence. I sit on the bottom step, trying to calm the sinking fear sitting in the pit of my stomach and the guilt of having driven this happy home into a battleground.
“You can blame Mitch’s boys all you like, Jesse, but this isn’t just about what happened out there. Do you really think she’s so stupid she doesn’t realize why she’s here?” Clint shouts.
“This isn’t getting us anywhere,” Maverick says, his voice even. “This morning was tough for us all, and we’ve got to rein in these young men soon, or they’ll start to think they’re here for a holiday.”
“She’s too young, Jesse. Have you ever thought that maybe she doesn’t even want kids? You didn’t pick right, and it’s not fair to expect her to fill the gap in your life at only nineteen. Jesus.” I can’t see Clint, but I can imagine his expression—rage and frustration carefully held behind an impassive mask.
I gasp and press my hand over my mouth. So I was right. Jesse has been trying to get me pregnant. He wants me to carry his child, but he didn’t think it was important to ask me if I want the same thing.
There’s a moment’s silence before the clattering sound of breaking dishware drives me forward instead of away and I’m in time to see Jesse holding Clint around the scruff of his shirt, both wild-eyed with Maverick trying to force his way between them. The scene is one of broken mugs of spilled coffee and three testosterone-fueled men at breaking point.
“Please—” They all turn in unison. Maverick stands aside, and Jesse lets go of Clint, who steps forward to approach me before stopping and standing awkwardly, his shirt twisted and his hair disheveled. A thick silence ensues while my mind spins.
They’re arguing about Jesse’s intentions, but it’s pointless when what he wants is never going to happen. In the beginning, I resented my dad for putting me into the auction and these men for buying me. Only the thoughts of Molly kept all of those feelings at bay. But the longer I’ve been here, the more of a connection I feel with these three lonely cowboys who’ve gone to such lengths to find companionship. The thought of leaving them is crushing, but the thought of staying when my presence is driving such a wedge between them, and their family feels just as wrong.
“I can’t get pregnant,” I blurt. “You can try all you like, but it won’t happen.” I brave a look at Jesse. His bottomless blue eyes are narrowed and unreadable, and his jaw muscles noticeably clench. He inhales deeply but when he breathes out, color rises in his cheeks and his eyes darken. The mood which has settled in the room is thick and heavy, but I still feel safer here than I ever did at my father’s house.
“What do you mean?” Maverick eyes my belly, concern written in the wideness of his eyes. I realize he thinks I’m damaged goods.
“I have a birth control implant,” I confirm.
“Jesse—” Clint’s voice bears a warning tone, but it does nothing to stop Jesse as he lunges forward and reaches for me. Thrown off balance, my instincts take over, and I flinch, braced for violence, but instead of hurting me, he takes my arm, searching for the lump beneath my skin. When he finds what he’s looking for, he blinks, and his shoulders sag, defeated.
“I’m sorry to upset your plans, Jesse, but I’m not ready to get pregnant.” I step back, twisting my fingers together, and I try to find the words I need to explain how I feel. “I’m not ready for the responsibility of a family.”
I could mention Molly and the fact I was a child raising a child, but this isn’t the right time.
Jesse shakes his head. I can tell he wants to argue his point, but something is holding him back.
“I’m too young, and this is too new. I’m not ready.”
“It’s okay.” Maverick holds out a hand to reassure me, and Jesse juts out his jaw in response.
“And—” I hesitate. The next part needs to be said, but all of this is so far outside of my experience. I’ve never been able to advocate for myself, but I need to. “You shouldn’t want to make me go through something so radically life-changing without my consent and agreement.”
My throat burns with tears and embarrassment. I don’t wait around long enough to hear a response. Running away from the confrontation that’s boiling behind Jesse’s tense exterior is the only option. My feet pound against the stairs, and when I’m back in my room, I slam the door, my heart hammering in my ears. I press my back to the cool wood and whisper a silent prayer that Jesse will forgive me. I don’t want what he wants. Am I useless to him now? A burden rather than a blessing.
For all of the conflict happening here, my priority has to be Molly and finding a way to reunite us. Regret rushes through me, stealing my breath and clenching my fists. I should have kept quiet and pretended. I’m getting dragged into the politics of this place where I should have just kept my head down, done what they wanted me to do, and kept the peace. I could have covered up the fact I’m on birth control for months without Jesse assuming.
But surely, being open and honest has to count for something and will show them that it matters to me.
“Just leave her, for God’s sake,” Maverick yells. All the happiness and positivity that usually gives his voice a soft drawl is replaced with fury.
I expect Jesse to come to my room and force more conversation. I know he won’t handle the disappointment well, but Clint and Maverick will want to keep him away for now. I can trust them with that much, I realize.
I sink into my mattress, curl into a ball, and close my eyes.
Sometime later, when I’m calmer, and I’ve turned over every detail of yesterday and today’s events in my mind, my phone starts to ring in the drawer beside my bed.
I reach for it, my heartbeat accelerating immediately. I’ve charged it every night and left it on every day, but so far, it’s remained silent. I glance at the screen before answering it quickly.
“Natalie?”
“Taylor, thank God you answered.” She sounds out of breath, like she’s been running or she’s panicking.
“What is it? What’s wrong? Is it Molly?” I try to keep the desperation out of my voice, but I know I don’t succeed.
A sob carries from the background, and I clench the phone to my head, straining to hear. “Molly came to the bakery earlier. She’s in a bad way. I brought her home with me. I didn’t know what else to do. She’s really scared, Taylor, and I don’t know where you are. Molly needs you. Your dad has smashed the place up, looking for money. He told Molly he was going to sell her. None of it makes any sense. She’s just a kid. This whole thing sounds shady. Can you come? Can you get here?”
I picture Molly, and all I want to do is climb through the phone and scoop her up into my arms. I blink back the tears that threaten at the edges of my vision. For a second, I think I might pass out, then I rise to my feet and pace the floorboards.
He hasn’t even managed to make the money he got for me last a week. He hasn’t given me enough time to figure anything out. What the hell am I going to do?
“Natalie. Is there any way that you can keep Molly with you?” It’s not a permanent solution but my father has no idea where Natalie lives and as long as Molly stays with her, she’ll be safe.
“I can for a little while, but what about when I need to be at the bakery? It can’t be for too long, or my mom will start asking questions.” Natalie lives with her mom. She has no brothers or sisters, and her father left before she was even born.
“Can she come with you to the bakery and hide in the back? Don’t send her to school, or he’ll find her. Tell your mom that Molly’s family is out of town because of an emergency.” I pray silently that Natalie will say okay. This is asking so much of her, and although we’re friends, Molly’s a minor, and what I’m asking isn’t without risk. What happens if Dad does find out where Molly is and threatens Natalie and her mom? I’m putting her in a terrible position.
There’s a long pause while we both settle on the idea.
“I promise I’ll be there as soon as I can. I’ll figure out a way.”
“Okay, but don’t be too long. I’m passing the phone to Molly. Hold on…”
“Taylor,” Molly gasps. Her voice is like a vice gripping my heart.
“Molly.”
“I miss you, Taylor! Are you okay? Can you come?”
“I miss you, too, Mollymoo. Can you hold on there with Natalie? Do what she tells you! Stay away from Dad, and I’ll come for you. I promise.”
“Okay.” Her sobs ebb to sniffs, and then she’s silent, just the sound of her breathing rasping down the line. I fell asleep to that sound so many nights, worried that something terrible would happen to us under the cover of darkness. When I was close, I could shield her, use my body, or let my body be used, whatever worked. Now, I’m too far away to do anything but tremble and panic.
“I’ve got to go now, Molly. You did the right thing going to Natalie. I’ll see you soon, okay?”
“Okay, Tay. I love you.”
“I love you, too. Can I speak to Natalie again quickly?” There’s another pause.
“Taylor, I’ve got to go,” Natalie says. “Please get here soon. I know you’re out of town, but I’m scared. I don’t want your dad turning up here.”
“He won’t. He doesn’t know where you live. I’ll come as soon as I can.”
She doesn’t say anything, and the silence is deafening.
“And Natalie? Thank you.”
I exhale, feeling emotionally drained and desperate. This is the worst possible moment for this to happen. How can I approach Clint, Maverick, and Jesse after what happened? But I don’t have a choice. It can’t wait anymore. I’m timed out.
I smooth my face with the palms of my hands, clearing away the tears. I straighten my clothes and push my hair over my shoulders. I close my eyes and say a silent prayer.
If I mean anything to them at all, if they’re the decent men I’ve found them to be, they’ll help me.
If not, I’ll leave this place for my sister and never return.