Chapter 12
CHAPTER 12
I vy answered her call on the second ring, a note of trepidation clinging to her greeting.
“Hey, it’s me,” Gigi said.
After showering and getting into her pajamas, Gigi had asked August for a burner phone. He’d handed one over without a word, and now she stood in her room talking to her sister, who was also using an encrypted device.
Ivy laughed lightly. “I don’t know why I was nervous. Rami told me only August and the guys have this number.”
Gigi wrapped her free arm around her waist. The sun was low, lighting the sky with pink and orange hues. Normally, she’d be outdoors on an evening like this. Maybe on the beach. Once upon a time she’d enjoyed these kinds of moments with Todd.
My how things change .
“In situations like this we’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop,” Gigi said softly. “That’s how I felt when you were missing.” The memories of that time came with aggressive torrents of pain and fear.
“Yeah, I guess when things aren’t right in the world, the sound of a phone ringing is terrifying.” Ivy scoffed. “Enough of that. You said you weren’t calling until tomorrow. What’s up?”
Gigi sat on the edge of the bed. “August and I are... at odds.”
“You seemed fine at dinner. What happened?”
Oh boy .
Keeping her voice low, Gigi quickly told her sister a PG-13-rated version of what had happened in the elevator. Most importantly, she told her what he’d said.
Every waking minute in that hellish jungle was a struggle to survive, and the only thing that kept me alive was the thought of you.
Ivy screeched like a teenaged girl. “Ohmigod. This is juicy. Then what happened?”
Gigi guffawed. “It’s not juicy. It’s stressful. And awkward. Now he wants to leave and have someone take his place!” Her volume rose an octave and she covered her mouth, praying he hadn’t heard.
“Yeah, that’s not good. Sounds like he needs confirmation of your feelings.”
“I kissed him back,” she whispered. “I would have done more if we hadn’t been in an elevator, and if he hadn’t given me the cold shoulder when we got to the apartment. My body language made it clear I was on board.”
“Some guys need to hear it verbally. August is—I dunno. August. He’s noble to a fault. He probably thinks he was taking advantage of you.”
“Well, I told him I’d give him space, so I guess that’s the opposite of what I should have done.”
Ivy groaned. “You guys are a hot mess. Listen, by the sounds of it he wants anything but space. His confession about the thought of you keeping him alive while he was in South America was a huge step. I think you need to try to reach him more. Bare your feelings.”
Gigi closed her eyes. Ivy was probably right. “I don’t even know what I’m feeling. Confused. Lonely... scared.”
“So tell him that. Locking yourself in a room is only going to push him further away. And don’t worry about him finding a replacement. I’ll make sure Rami doesn’t allow any of the guys to fill in for him.”
Gigi chortled. “You wouldn’t.”
“Damn right I would. August doesn’t know what’s good for him. You two need to figure this out. You’ve been given the gift of time and forced proximity—use it.”
Gigi sighed and cast a glance at the closed door. “I have no idea what I’m doing,” she mumbled.
***
August fumed as he closed his laptop and pushed the device a few inches away on the kitchen island. There wasn’t much to do. He’d already put in a grocery order, which would arrive in the morning, and he’d texted Rami about finding a replacement.
Gigi had asked him not to leave, but he couldn’t stay. He could sign up for only so much self-torture. With any luck, someone would be able to switch with him overnight while Gigi slept and he wouldn’t have to say goodbye.
Coward.
Jesus. When had he gotten like this? Before his mission, he didn’t get so bent out of shape about women. Well, more accurately, before Gigi.
Part of him wanted to barge into her bedroom, tell her he was an idiot, and just let himself fucking love her.
He rubbed his forehead. How romantic.
Physically, she wanted him. Someone who was blind could see that. But what about the rest? He didn’t just want sex. That was the bitch of it. With any other woman he’d be fine with simply getting in the sheets then walking away.
But with Gigi? Hell, he didn’t want to get in the sheets with her for fear she would walk away. It was backward. Everything.
What kind of future could they have together, though? His job was less dangerous and demanding than black ops but carried risks nonetheless. Some jobs would require him to leave the country, especially at the rate Backcountry Protection Services was growing. If he did leave the country, would she find someone else again?
Maybe he was being too harsh. Sitting on the past when all that shit could be buried. If he’d just let bygones be bygones, he could be with her right now. Caressing her body, kissing her fuckable mouth, making her come over and over...
Christ.
His attraction to Gigi was unnatural, almost. It couldn’t be fucking normal for anyone to be this out of their mind with lust. But it wasn’t just lust. He wanted to hold her while she slept, joke with her, watch her make magic in the kitchen.
He had to be realistic, though. He and Gigi might never have a future outside the bedroom.
The question was, could he live with that?
No. It wasn’t even a question. He wanted all or nothing.
***
Three hours went by and all Gigi did was toss and turn in bed. Her sister’s words circled through her mind like a drunken monkey on a merry-go-round.
And the more she thought about it, the more she had to admit Ivy was right. She hadn’t been open with August. She hadn’t let him through her walls. And after all that had happened two years ago, she couldn’t blame him for keeping her at arm’s length. Or trying to, anyway.
She wasn’t great at talking about emotions. When she did, she sounded stupid. Or needy. Probably because she couldn’t think past her thundering heart.
But she could tell him—show him—that she wanted him physically. The rest would come.
The clock on the nightstand read 10:19 p.m. An hour ago, the living room lights had gone out, so she assumed August was in his bedroom. She peeled back the covers and set her feet on the smooth hardwood.
She swallowed the anxiety that told her to get back in bed and not do anything she’d regret. But if she did nothing, she’d regret that, too.
It was a lose-lose.
Or maybe a win-win.
Desire pooled low in her abdomen. The need for him to touch her again, to bring her to another climax was unbearable. She could have gotten herself off, but the idea hadn’t appealed to her at all. Not when she could have August’s steady hands on her flesh, his slick mouth on her skin, and his thick girth buried deep inside her walls.
She went to the door, and her hand shook as she touched the handle. Never in her life had she made the first move with a man. Even before with August, she hadn’t initiated sex. He’d always wanted it. Heard her telepathically before she could express her needs.
Her thoughts spun and pressure weighed on her chest. The precarious circumstances of their relationship made everything more difficult.
Would he refuse? Tell her to go to hell?
Steeling her courage, she banished her insecurities and sent a prayer for strength skyward. If he told her to take a hike, she might lose her mind.
Shafts of light stretched into long rectangles across the floor, cutting through the darkness. She tiptoed the three paces to his door and paused. Her heart beat wildly and panic made her want to turn and run back to bed, but she’d surely make noise and wake him. Which would only make her look ridiculous.
Inhaling a breath of thick air, she eased open his door. A tiny squeak announced her intrusion. Her eyes adjusted to the room. The large windows were free of curtains, allowing moonlight to illuminate the space.
August propped himself up on an elbow. “What’s wrong?” he asked, his voice gravelly, not sleepy.
She stood frozen like a mannequin, probably looking like a damn ghost in the pale-pink pajama pants and white tank top. Uncertainty plucked at her bravery. The need to turn away before she made a fool of herself gripped her muscles. But she couldn’t move. Couldn’t breathe.
All she could do was stand there, waiting for words and courage that probably wouldn’t come.
August tossed back the covers and swung his legs over the bed. He stood, and she instantly felt tiny. He wore only black briefs.
“What’s the matter?” he demanded. At some point while she’d been staring at his ripped stomach, he’d grabbed a gun.
Oh, great. Here he was on red alert and she just wanted to get laid.
“Gigi,” he pressed. “Do you need something?”
She gulped down all the self-doubt she could swallow, though some of its sandy texture clung to her mouth. Without a word, she took two steps, moving herself into August’s personal space. His body seemed to vibrate. His free arm flexed as if fighting the urge to touch her.
Her heartbeat pulsed beneath her skin. The faint scent of his heady lime soap filled the air, mixing with his own masculine aroma of spice and sweat. Her pulse jumped against her neck. She might go into cardiac arrest if she didn’t do something now.
“You.” The simple syllable drifted from her lips on a light breath of desperation. She needed to grab him. To kiss him. To wrap her arms around him and tell him about all the pent-up feelings she’d never gotten over. But she couldn’t do anything but wait for his reaction.
One sign. That’s all she needed.
Moonlight touched August’s face. The hard planes of his cheeks clenched. The stubble on his jaw shadowed his mouth.
Doubt blossomed in her chest, swelling quickly to moisten her eyes. Had she made a mistake?
He blinked, and his free hand bunched. “What exactly do you need from me, Georgia?” The words were like scalding water on a sheet of ice. Not harsh, but... hesitant.
She took another step toward him. The heat from his torso touched her bare arms. Carefully, she lifted her hand and brushed her fingers across the top of his shoulder, over his collarbone, and down his sternum.
His muscles bunched, but he didn’t return the touch.
“Gigi,” he said. This time his voice hitched with barely tethered self-control.
“I want you, August.” She brought her hand to his jaw and stroked the stubble there. “I want you to kiss me, but not like you did in the elevator. I want all of you this time. No holding back. No teasing. Just... us together.”
The gentle clink of metal to wood echoed in the room as he placed the gun on the nightstand. His fingers circled her wrist, but he didn’t move her hand away.
His fiery gaze held her eyes, not wavering. His pulse raced beneath the heel of her palm.
She had to ask. Had to hear it from his own lips. “Do you want me, August?”
Earlier he’d said kissing her had been a mistake. If he really felt that way, he’d say so now.
“No,” he growled.
She inhaled sharply. Anger burned her eyelids and she pulled away, blinking rapidly, but his hand held fast, biting.
His other hand snaked around her waist, drawing her to the front of his body. “I don’t just want you, Georgia. I fucking need you.”
The scent of spearmint toothpaste filled her nose as his lips dipped to hover millimeters from hers. “I’ve needed you every goddamn day since I left for that mission. I thought I could man up and give you space. I forced myself to when you were engaged. Now... I don’t know what this is or how to respond, but I can’t, for the life of me, not have you.”
All the moisture left her mouth.
“So, no. I don’t want you. I need you, and not just sexually. I need your heart, your soul, and everything you’re willing to give.”
Tears rimmed her eyes. “I don’t want to screw this up again.” Her voice shook.
He let go of her wrist to drive his fingers into the hair at the nape of her neck. The heat of his gaze burned through her, seizing her soul. His thumb traced the column of her neck. “We can’t do promises. Not right now. But will you trust me here?”
She ran her tongue over her bottom lip, weighing the possibilities. They could part ways right now. Or they could do whatever this was. Either way, they could end up royally hurt. Her heart jumped in her chest.
The answer was simple. She’d take August in any form he was willing to give. Caution be damned.
“Yes.”