30. Chapter 30
Chapter 30
I partially shielded my eyes from the glaring morning sun as they followed a blur of movement that was distinctly reddish. I’d never seen more than one cardinal at a time before. I’d always held an affinity for them, with their beautiful red coats, especially in the winter as a contrast to the snowy white of Minnesota. Plus, they had to be introverted, which was a plus.
I had ventured on a walk to clear my head and relieve the lingering stiffness in my legs from yesterday’s race.
Reluctantly, I returned to my apartment and noticed a text from Jack. I’d been very negligent with texts and other communication lately, and the guilt was starting to get to me, so I was trying to do better.
Jack wanted to know if I had time to chat that morning. As I started making a fresh pot of coffee, I wondered what he could want to talk about, as he didn’t usually preface our conversations with an actual request for conversation.
I was just pouring a coffee when he knocked at the door, and I set my cup down to go let him in.
“Hi Jack,” I said, willing myself to sound normal. Cheerful, even. “How’s it going? Are you as sore as I am today?” Then I frowned at his somber features as I ushered him in. “What’s up, Jack?”
His eyes avoided mine for a moment and then met my curious ones with a serious expression. “I think you should sit down for this.”
With my brows furrowed, I started to speak but then thought better of it. Instead, I went to retrieve my coffee and sat on the couch. I looked up at him expectantly as I took a small sip. “What is it?”
He appeared poised to sit next to me but then appeared to think better of it, choosing instead to sit on a nearby chair.
My cheeks burned at the reminder of what had happened last time we sat on this couch. Why would I feel embarrassed? It’s not as if I had instigated the encounter. As if I wanted it to happen. I averted my eyes and said nothing while setting my cup down, my hands shaking slightly.
“Vivi,” he started, leaning forward with his elbows on his lap. “I have to tell you something.”
I bit my lip, having no idea what he was about to say. I shouldn’t think the worst, but at this point, I didn’t even know what the worst could be. Hadn’t I already experienced it? Taking a steadying breath, I forced myself to meet his eyes calmly. “Well, Jack? What is it?”
He swallowed several times. “I mentioned I had a work dinner last night. Irene arranged it. Kind of a networking thing. And …” He paused then, apparently unsure how to choose his words, which was so unlike Jack.
I took a shaky breath, trying to quell the panic within. Were things getting very serious between him and Irene then? I was about to find out, whether I wanted to or not. “Go on,” I said, inhaling shakily, “just say it.”
His eyes swept across the room slowly, gazing at everything but me. Finally, he looked at me directly. “OK. Your Gregory was also there. They were … flirting all evening, and they left together in a … very obvious way. Vivi, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know how to tell you. But you deserved to know, and … I’m here for you if you need me.”
His features were twisted in pain, and I fought back such a strong urge to comfort him that it took a moment for his words to fully register.
Irene and Gregory.
What?
Irene and Gregory?
It was shocking.
Or was it? I tried to think clearly and process Jack’s words, but all I could think about was the pain evident on his face. I’d never seen him so devastated, even after all these years of knowing each other. Even after his grandmother’s death a few years ago, he’d naturally been sad but not distraught. Not like this.
“Vivi …” he started, his voice cracking.
“Jack, you don’t have to say any more,” I said, rising to my feet. “At least, not for my sake.” Before I could think, I rose and took two steps toward him. When he stood, I threw my arms around him, pressing my cheek against his chest.
We stood in a tight embrace, lost in the pain, though I wasn’t sure if it was my pain or his, or both.
Finally, we seemed to simultaneously realize that we’d been hugging for a long time, and we both stepped back. He took a few extra steps backward, his steps appearing somewhat off-balance. Neither of us spoke.
“Vivi, are you OK? You’re not …”
“I’m not what?”
“Well, are you all right?” His eyes searched my face.
My eyes widened slightly. “You mean I’m not crying?” I let out a small laugh. “It’s OK. I’m OK.”
His brow wrinkled in doubt. “OK. You certainly don’t have to cry. I hate to see you cry. But you also don’t have to hide your feelings from me, Vivi. I’m … I’m here for you.” Then he hastily added, “As your friend.”
I stared at this man who should’ve been crying himself, except that he never cried. It was so like him to be worried about me being heartbroken when his own heart had to be shattered by this news. I gave him what I hoped was a reassuring smile and nodded. “I know, Jack. But I’ll be fine. Gregory is a total jerk—I didn’t need this to know that. As far as I’m concerned, they’re made for each other.”
His face fell, and I wanted to eat my words. “Oh, Jack, I’m so sorry. I … I shouldn’t have said that. I guess you know I haven’t been Irene’s biggest fan, and I am pretty sure she hates me. But she means something—she—she means a lot to you , so I’m really, really sorry.”
He sighed, looking away. After a few moments of silence, he said, “Vivi, don’t think of me. I came here to make sure you’re all right.”
I wanted to go to him again, but I held myself still. “Jack, she meant something to you. I don’t know the extent of it, but I know this must hurt. You don’t need to talk about it if you don’t want to. But please don’t think that your feelings aren’t as important as mine. I’ve had a few days to get over Gregory, but this heartbreak is all new and raw for you, I’m sure.” Get over Gregory? I’d begun to wonder if there was anything to get over. I was in love only with my idea of him, but it was fantasy. Fiction.
He stared at me for what seemed like several minutes. Finally, he looked away and said wearily, “She is just my boss. You don’t understand—”
“No, I don’t understand, Jack,” I said defensively, “because you never want to talk about it.”
“It’s not—” he stopped and then took a deep breath. “It doesn’t matter. Vivi, I just want to make sure you’re OK. I came over because I didn’t want you to hear about this in another way that might be more shocking or hurtful.”
My body felt tense with frustration. He was determined to make this about my feelings, and for once, I wanted—no, needed —to make it about his . “I’m OK, Jack. As you noticed, I’m not crying. It’s a bit of a shock, you’re right. I didn’t see that coming. At all. But I will be OK. Truly.”
When he didn’t respond, I added, “I do need to get some things done this morning though, so can we talk later? If you want to continue this.”
He looked at me strangely, unsure what to make of my surprising calm. “I’ll leave you to it then. But please, know that I’m here for you. Anytime. As always.”
Just before he walked out the door, I called out, “Jack, I’m here for you too.”
In the silence that descended upon my apartment, I chewed my lips for several moments, thinking of his face as he’d delivered the news. The pain in his eyes. The way it gutted me.
Ugh, I’d spent too much time brooding and analyzing our conversations. No more. I went to my desk, intending to read and respond to some emails about recent job applications. But as I waited for my computer to start up and connect, my thoughts stubbornly drifted to Jack’s news.
Why was I not more upset about Gregory? Jack had obviously expected me to be devastated, and by all rights, I should be devastated. Foolish or not, I’d invested a lot of time and energy into the idea of a romance with Gregory, and it had been less than a week since I’d made the mortifying discovery that it was all a lie. Hearts didn’t mend that fast. At least mine didn’t. When relationships inevitably ended, I didn’t let go easily. But this time … I didn’t care. I wasn’t crushed.
I was far more worried about how Jack was feeling, perhaps because I knew what that disappointment was like, having experienced it so recently myself. He might have been my rock over the years, but he wasn’t made of stone; surely he felt betrayed or even heartbroken over Irene’s duplicity. Maybe he was even worried about the effects on his work.
Maybe I was becoming more emotionally mature, putting someone else’s feelings above my own.
Or maybe … no, no, that’s not worth thinking about.
I squeezed my eyes shut for a moment. Jack was my dear friend. It wasn’t odd to feel upset on his behalf; it didn’t mean anything more than that. And my lack of emotional response to Gregory’s dalliance with Irene was just a testament to how far I’d come in recent days.
I smiled, and with a renewed sense of confidence that I hadn’t felt in a long time, or perhaps ever, I navigated to my email inbox and smiled even more broadly when I read several requests for interviews in my inbox. I was rebuilding my life, and I felt damn good about it.