6. Chapter 6
“ O h no, Joel, have my degenerate roommates converted you too?” I asked, covering a yawn as I padded out of my bedroom toward the table where my roommates sat, along with Rafael’s boyfriend.
Joel leaned back in his chair with a grin that showed both dimples.
“Hi, Annie.” He stretched his long legs, finely sculpted from years of dancing with a professional ballet company.
Although they met while dancing together with the company, Rafael had chosen to shift careers to teaching a few years ago after a chronic condition—fatigue and a finicky heartbeat—made the long hours of professional dancing excruciating.
Rafael smirked as he laid down cards on the table. “Hardly. Joel was a closet gamer as a teen, apparently. Why I’m just finding this out now is a question I’m asking myself …” he trailed off, a pouty expression on his face.
Joel leaned over and stretched his arm around Rafael’s shoulders. “I have to keep some air of mystery if I want to keep you interested, don’t I? ”
Rafael smiled at Joel, his eyes showing a tenderness I’d never seen in him before he met Joel. These two could make almost anyone believe in love, cheesy as it sounded even in my own mind.
After a long moment of enduring their pining-for-each-other eyes, Rainn cleared his throat. “I think it’s your turn, Joel.”
Joel reluctantly turned back to the game and made his play. “You should give it a try, Annie. You never know—even you might like it.”
“She’d rather die,” Rafael said dryly.
I pursed my lips. Feeling contrary, I heard myself say, “Well, I don’t know. Maybe I would.”
“So, Mythic Forge is a card game, but it’s a bit like Dungeons & Dragons. Have you heard of that before? That’s classic roleplaying, but in this game, it’s more structured …”
My heart suddenly lodged in my throat, and I didn’t hear a word as he continued talking about whatever game they were playing.
I tried to look at the game box for the name, but my vision was fuzzy.
I placed my hand on my chest, trying to catch my breath.
Thinking I might be swaying, I grasped the table with my other hand.
In the next moment, someone was guiding me downward into a chair. I looked behind me slowly, and it was Rainn, worry etched in his features.
Rafael clasped my hand. “Annie, girl, breathe.” He led me through some exercises to slowly count breaths. We’d done this before, so many years ago, though I couldn’t remember exactly why. Slowly I felt my body return to calm and my mind start to clear.
“I … wow, sorry about that.”
“Hey, don’t apologize,” Joel said, turning to me, and the other guys nodded. “I’ve had panic attacks before, Annie. Used to have panic disorder pretty bad actually. Long time ago, but I remember what it was like.”
“Panic attacks? No, I don’t … this wasn’t …” I protested. Is that what this is? “I don’t know.”
“Did we say or do something to upset you?” Rafael asked, looking at me intently, holding both of my hands now .
I swallowed. It was coming back to me now.
Again. D&D. Hearing Joel talk about the game threatened to plunge me into those memories best left hidden.
Memories of the man who … Well. Memories I needed to keep buried, so this didn’t happen.
How mortifying. I took my hands out of Rafael’s grip and used them to hide my face.
“I don’t know, but this is embarrassing.
Please, can we just forget this? I’m so not a panic kind of girl. ”
Silence descended upon the table for a few long moments. When I uncovered my face, they were all looking at me with curious eyes, as if expecting me to explain. But I raised my chin and met their eyes defiantly. “Well, are you going to teach me this dorky game or not? Mystic Forge? So cheesy—”
“Mythic,” muttered Rafael.
I felt the shadow of a smile. “Whatever. Also, I hope you bought enough muffins to share with me, Raf.”
I watched as they finished their current game and listened as they described the particulars. After the game ended, Joel rose to go brew more coffee.
“Hey Annie, if you don’t want to talk about this yet, just say so, but have you thought about finding work yet?
Like what you might be looking to do? Raf here said you wouldn’t be editing for Bolder anymore, and I couldn’t agree more.
We couldn’t let you work for that bastard again.
” Rainn flexed his hands over his head. “Are you wanting another editing gig or something else?”
I let out a long exhale. “I haven’t really given it much thought yet.
” None, actually . “There’s been a lot to think about the past few days, you know?
” I bit my lip and looked at Rafael. “I mean, I don’t plan to mooch off you guys forever.
Don’t worry—I’ll find something. And I do have a little savings, so you don’t have to pay my bills or anything like that. ”
“We weren’t worried about that,” Rafael scoffed. “We just … want to help you find your passion, Annie. Your true calling wasn’t fixing punctuation, girl.”
“Hey, don’t knock proper punctuation. Doing it well is a rare skill, I’m telling you.” I grinned briefly before my face fell. “Maybe editing isn’t really my passion, but is that so wrong? Why does passion need to be associated with a paycheck?”
The three men stared at me, seemingly unsure how to respond. “OK, I guess I’m asking the wrong people. All of you get paid to do the jobs you love. But not everyone has to. Maybe I’m meant to live a passionate life outside of work, and work just … pays the bills?”
After a beat of silence, Rafael spoke cautiously, “Sure, that can work. If you live your passions outside of work.”
He’s implying I don’t!
Resentment rose as a bitter taste in my throat, but not necessarily toward him.
He’s probably right. What am I passionate about? Buying a new outfit? Going to a party? Meeting a new guy?
Yet I knew the answer.
Passion was not for me.
Passion led to pain.
Passion, even the memory of it, led to … well, apparently, panic attacks.
Passion never did me any favors.
Passion is better left to others. I have no use for it.
“Meh, I don’t know about all that,” I said breezily. “Don’t worry. I’ll find something.” When they glanced at me and then at each other with some doubt, I smiled through clenched teeth. “Seriously, it’ll be fine .”
As Joel and Rainn started to set up the next game, Rafael gazed at me thoughtfully, and then his eyes brightened. “I have it! You can teach a few classes at the school. I’ve actually been wanting to hire a new part-time teacher for some ballet and contemporary classes.”
“Oh, I don’t think—”
“I mean, just for a while. You’re a fantastic dancer, Annie, but I doubt teaching students is your true passion.
I could be wrong though. Probably just a temp thing until you find something full time elsewhere …
” Rafael trailed off, looking into the distance as though already making plans in his head.
“Raf, I’m really rusty—”
“Shush, I won’t hear it. You can do jetes and pointe work in your sleep. You’re not saying no.”
When I narrowed my eyes and pursed my lips, he sighed, and his shoulders slumped. “OK. Please, please don’t say no, Annie. You’d be doing me a favor, you know. At least think about it?”
I sighed and then nodded reluctantly.
“If it helps, I’ll keep an eye out for openings at the agency. So far it seems like a good place to work, though I’m still pretty new there,” Rainn offered. “I did make a friend in HR already though. Robin, remember him? He’s a runner too.”
My frustration mounting, I nonetheless pasted a smile on my face.
As I started pushing my chair back from the table, I looked at each of them in turn.
“Thank you, Rainn, all of you, actually. I know your hearts are in the right place. I’m just …
ugh, I need some escapism, you know? After the week I’ve had, you know. I think I’m going to my room to read.”
They glanced at each other as though wondering whether they should protest. When their eyes met mine again, they all nodded with resigned expressions.
I laughed lightly before turning on my heel. “I’ll just be on the other side of that wall. Not leaving the country. Have fun with your nerd games, boys.”
As I shut my door, I breathed a sigh of relief. But before stepping away, I paused to listen to the voices that carried through the door.
“Is she OK? I’ve never seen her like that,” Joel said.
“Rough week, to put it mildly,” said Rainn. “But she’s tough.” For some reason, I felt a little bitter about that assessment.
I’m tough?
I’ve never had a choice.
What if I’m tired of being tough?
Finally, Rafael spoke, his voice a bit somber. “She isn’t OK now, but she will be. She needs time.” He could always see right through me.
I’d made an effort today. Whatever day it was, maybe Thursday.
Lunch eaten, face washed, a bit of laundry sorted, and …
I was ready to go back to bed. I’d finished my book last night and hadn’t yet started another because, well, how do you follow Dickens?
And what on earth could a person read when in a mood like this?
I just needed my bed. The soft covers, the bliss of being asleep, oblivious to everything and everyone.
Except when the dreams came. Then I had to wake up. To get out of bed. Or just to lie in bed and not think, not sleep, not feel anything but the soft covers.
The dreams of humiliation, of betrayal, of infidelity, of resentment, of all the things I felt because of Brandon, and some because of Viviana, and then the dreams in which I was small, insignificant, yet somehow always in my mother’s way …
all of them haunting me and making me wake up in a cold sweat, sometimes with tears burning my eyes and blazing a path down my cheeks onto my already damp pillow or tangled sheets.
These were nothing, though, compared to the dreams of him.