22. Chapter 22 #2
I was out of practice. My breathing, my heart rate, my eye movement, all going faster and faster while I desperately tried to slow it all down.
I gripped the bottom of the garden bench I sat on, holding on for dear life.
Alcohol was supposed to dull the senses, wasn’t it?
But I couldn’t stop feeling … everything.
In and out, just breathe.
Sweat beaded on my forehead. I nearly jumped out of my skin when I heard the warm voice, distant yet close, so close.
“I haven’t gotten a chance to congratulate you yet.”
I blinked several times, trying to force my eyes to settle on Kylan as he sat next to me on the bench. “Uh … yeah.” It was all I could manage as I tried desperately not to let it show how hard it was to breathe, to think, to do anything .
“I wanted to congratulate you one on one. A speech in front of a group might have hinted at some kind of favoritism—” He stopped speaking and rubbed his jaw. “Or something.”
I took some slow breaths as the panic started to subside, but the word “favoritism” coming from him sparked a different kind of feeling. Surely he hadn’t meant it that way, right? I managed a shaky smile. “Thank you.”
Kylan studied me intently. “Are you all right?”
I bit my lip and inhaled slowly. “Maybe? I, uh … this is going to sound ridiculous, but I don’t swim.”
“I know.” He paused. “Don’t look so shocked. It wasn’t that long ago that we were close, Annie. I did wonder if you, well, since you were having a pool party in your honor that maybe you’d changed your feelings on swimming in recent years, but … obviously not.”
I frowned. “Obviously?”
“Well, obviously to me.”
“Only to you?” I tilted my head, doubt on my face.
Kylan looked around. “Everyone else is far too busy getting drunk and enjoying the pool. I doubt anyone noticed your panic attack.”
“No one but you.”
He nodded.
After a long silence where I couldn’t form any coherent thoughts, I said, “You can go swimming, you know. I don’t need anyone to stay with me and cover for me. I’ll just, like, tell everyone I have my period or something. And it’s a heavy flow day.”
Did I seriously just talk about menstruation with my estranged ex and the hottest guy on the freaking planet?
Unfazed, Kylan stretched out his long, tanned legs, leaning back a bit. “Nah. I didn’t bring my swim shorts, and I don’t feel like swimming anyway. I don’t even like it.”
I narrowed my eyes. “Liar.”
He flashed a grin—and it was just as irresistible as it’d always been. “OK, I like it a little.”
“You did swim team in high school and part of college. ”
“Ah, so I’m not the only one with a meticulous memory for swimming-related knowledge about each other,” he said, his eyes twinkling with something unspoken.
He shouldn’t be this appealing. It wasn’t fair.
Look away!
I couldn’t.
But Sofia solved that problem, shouting and waving at Kylan and me from the other side of the pool where she was swimming with her friends.
I sat up straighter. Was that Rainn with Sofia? How odd. I squinted in their direction. Rainn was always so surly toward her.
But they were laughing together in the pool. Standing very close.
“Not in the mood to swim, Sof. I’m just going to relax here for now,” Kylan replied. When Sofia and Rafael called out threats to throw me in the water, he stiffened and shook his head. “She isn’t swimming.” Something in his expression must have warned them away, as no one asked further.
“Kylan,” I said when Sofia and the others had turned their attention to someone else.
It’s now or never.
I need to nip this in the bud now. Before I fall for him all over again.
“Yeah?” he said, meeting my gaze.
My heart was beating erratically now, but I had to say it. “Why are you being so nice to me? It might be … easier if you’re not.”
He stared at me for what seemed like an eternity. “You think … I should be …” He tilted his head in apparent confusion. “Annie?”
I opened my mouth and then closed it, shaking my head. “I just—” Suddenly I spotted a flash of orange coming close, not far behind him. “Your sister?”
“My—” He looked sideways as she came to stand next to him. “Oh, hey.” He looked somehow both happy and unhappy to see her, oddly. “Kelly, this isn’t the best timing, but I really wanted to introduce you to the guest of honor, so—”
His sister raised her eyebrows. “Oh, I can come back if I’m interrupting— ”
“No, you’re fine,” I assured her, pasting a wide smile on my face. I needed Kelly to stay, instead of continuing the awkward conversation I’d stupidly started. “Please, sit. I’m Annie York. Kylan’s told me about you!”
“Likewise, Annie, I’ve heard great things about you. I’m Kelly, the little sister. I’m so excited to meet you. I love your fashion sense already—maybe you can help Ky with his! Seriously, congratulations on your new position!” She seemed so genuine. What had Kylan told her about me?
“Thanks, it’s a dream—I’m so grateful for the opportunity.
Beyond excited. A few months ago, I was facing a career I didn’t like, a cheating boyfriend and a consistently terrible mother, an ex—er, I mean, a falling out with a great friend, depression and booze …
now here I am. I not only found my dream job but I got it.
It’s—” I clamped a hand over my mouth. “I am so sorry for the verbal diarrhea. We just met, so much TMI. I think I’ve had one too many of these.
” I nodded toward the empty glass on the table next to me.
Kelly grinned. “I love it. You’re fine. I’ll go next, OK? If my hovering brother can make himself scarce.”
Kylan sighed. “All right. I know when I’m not wanted.” He started to walk away and then turned back, meeting me with mysterious grey eyes I couldn’t look away from. He might as well be staring into my soul. “Maybe we can talk later?”
My breath caught, and all I could do was nod slightly.
With superhuman effort, I forced myself to turn toward Kelly, who began to tell me all about herself.
It was easy to focus on his sister though.
She was one of those people who were ridiculously easy to like.
But of course she was. Everything in the universe seemed to be conspiring against me in the goal to get some safe distance from him—and from all the reasons I should’ve never walked away from him.
Fortunately or not, Kylan never found me alone again.
I was dying to know what he wanted to say—but also terrified at the same time.
Lucky for us, Jack had stayed sober and driven me along with Viviana and Jane to Viviana’s place for a girls’ night/after-party after dropping off Jenn, who claimed to be exhausted after only two drinks.
I probably should’ve abstained, but we were celebrating, right?
We teased Jenn that being married with children suited her, as much as she liked to complain about it.
“Annie, I am so excited to finally meet you. And so excited for you, seriously,” Jane gushed, her eyes lighting up as she leaned forward on the worn-in couch in Viviana’s one-bedroom apartment.
I giggled. “You might have mentioned that, uh—”
“Four times. No, five!” Viviana said, holding up fingers. “Jane’s such a cute drunk, I swear. The cutest I’ve ever seen. If only I were into ladies, we’d be a perfect match.”
“I’m only tipsy, not drunk,” Jane said with a smile.
“I actually dated a fellow Austenite once, and you’d think it would be amazing, right?
But nope. Most boring relationship I’ve ever had.
We were too much alike, I suppose, at least at that age, when attraction was, for me, all about romantic tension.
I’d settle for comfortable and easy right now.
” She frowned, tilting her head back as she took a long swig from her champagne glass.
Viviana was quick to open a new bottle and ready to pour some more.
“Jane, you’ll find the one. You’re far too sweet and amazing and interesting and, just, everything not to find someone who’s just as awesome,” Viviana gushed, leaning over for a hug but landing on Jane’s side instead. They both laughed as Jane pushed her upright.
“I think we’re all a little more than tipsy,” I chimed in. “Though my opinion is probably worthless since I just met you, you seem awesome, so I think your Mr. or Ms. Right is still out there.”
“Aww, thanks, Annie. I can see why everyone loves you so much.”
I nearly spit out the champagne swirling in my mouth. “Everyone loves me so— ”
“Oh come on, Annie, what do you think tonight was all about? And the promotion? And just … come on, don’t look so surprised,” Viviana said, her brows furrowed in confusion.
I eyed them both warily. After a long moment of self-doubt, my lips slowly curved into a smile, and I laughed. “Of course. I’m amazing.”
And there it was, the confidence I’d lost in these past months—the confidence that had surfaced only rarely lately but had still gotten me where I was today, a star rising quickly in a new career.
“You ladies are amazing too.” I wiped a small tear from the corner of one eye and sipped my champagne. Or perhaps it was more than a sip. “OK, I have to confess something. Like I have to tell someone or I’ll scream. Can we just make it, like, that kind of girls night? Please?”
“Yes, so much yes!” Viviana nearly shouted. “I need that kind of girls night.”
Jane smiled. “Yes please.”
“So, I’m going to come right out and say it because I’m drunk. Yeah, you heard it. Drunk, not tipsy.” I took a deep breath, wondering if I was crazy for doing this. For feeling this. “I am, uh …” I trailed off, squeezing my eyes shut.
Could I actually say it out loud?
If not now, when?
“You’re …” Jane prompted me.
Taking a deep breath, I spit out the words. “I’m still in love with him.”
“With—” Viviana asked, her tone cautious.
I stared at my lap. “Kylan.”
Viviana exhaled softly, and I cautiously looked up to see a small smile on her face.
“Are you … you’re not disappointed?’