Chapter 14
Chapter Fourteen
CIARA
I curl onto my side and try to get some rest, but sleep hasn’t been coming easily to me over the past week. It’s barely light outside, but Ronan’s side of the bed is empty. It seems sleep is avoiding him too.
We might be back to sharing the same bed at night, but every morning for the past week I’ve woken up alone, and a small, selfish part of me is grateful.
I figure the less he’s around, the more I can convince myself that I haven’t told him that I’m pregnant simply because I haven’t been given the opportunity. When in reality, it’s because I’m nothing but a coward.
My mind is buzzing, a tangled web of thoughts and what-ifs that will only be eased when I muster the courage to tell Ronan about the baby.
I want to believe he will be happy when I tell him, that he’ll pull me into his arms and promise me everything will be okay and that we can have our happily ever after.
But then I remember that this isn’t a normal relationship, and this isn’t a normal life.
There are guns in the nightstand drawer and multiple guards posted outside the front door, on high alert should someone unwanted come knocking. Not to mention my own personal security, which means the only peace I get is when I go to the bathroom.
Bringing a baby into this world feels reckless, and yet I can’t find it in myself to regret it.
The nausea, the anxiety, the fear of the unknown… It’s all worth it because this baby is ours. We made this life together, and I can’t help but see it as a miracle.
This was never supposed to be part of the plan. Hell, I never thought I would ever see Ronan Sullivan as anything other than the man who took my freedom, who took my father’s life, and now I’m willingly signing up for a future with him at my side, and the thought brings a true smile to my face.
That is, if he wants me…
The flutter of nerves tightens in my chest.
Once I say the words, I can’t take them back, and everything changes. We will change, and there’s no guarantee it will be for the better.
Against my better judgment, my will, I’m falling for my husband. And the thought of losing him…
My phone buzzes on the nightstand, making me jump.
I reach over and pick it up to see another message from Mila. She’s been checking in most mornings to see how I am because the morning sickness is ramping up, and I’m finding it harder and harder to hide it.
How are you feeling? Let me know if you want company, as I have the day off. I can bring over soup or ice cream, and we can just lie in bed and bitch about men x
A soft laugh escapes me before I can stop it. Somehow Mila always knows exactly what to say to make me feel better.
Me
I’m ok, just tired…
Mila
Not sleeping well still?
Me
Not really, my mind is being loud.
Mila
There’s a pretty good solution for that…
I roll my eyes at Mila’s message.
Me
I might try and get some more sleep…
I wait for Mila to push the subject more, but thankfully she decides to drop it.
Mila
Good idea, I’ll check back in later x
I set the phone down and stare at the ceiling as guilt creeps in again.
I want nothing more than for Mila to come around and spend the day watching trashy reality shows, but I know she’ll end up trying to talk me into telling Ronan, and I need to tell him in my own time.
He’s under a lot of pressure right now, and I don’t want this pregnancy to be the one thing that finally tips him over the edge.
I settle back against the plush pillows and try to close my eyes in the hopes of at least napping for a while longer when my mouth fills with saliva once again, and my stomach churns.
I groan as I throw back the covers and scramble to the bathroom just in time to empty my stomach into the toilet.
A thin sheen of sweat breaks out along the back of my neck as I dry heave before collapsing on the cold tile floor, holding the rim as I try to breathe through my nose as another wave of nausea hits me.
My throat burns, and my eyes water, but there’s nothing left to come up. I’ve barely eaten a full meal in days, and last night I could only stomach a few saltines and some peanut butter before I had to call it quits and run to the bathroom.
The term morning sickness is complete bullshit.
I can’t keep this a secret for much longer, and what’s worse is that I canceled my scan because I was too chicken to tell Ronan.
I was meant to have my first ultrasound this morning, but I couldn’t bear the thought of Ronan not being there with me. I want him there to share the moment with me, so instead of using the scan as a reason to tell him, I once again buried my head in the sand and pushed it back.
I lean over the toilet bowl and close my eyes.
My body is exhausted, and I know I can’t keep doing this.
I need to tell him—
A knock sounds on the door, and I freeze.
“Ciara?” Ronan calls out, his voice laced with concern. “Are you all right?”
I lift my head and wipe my mouth with a trembling hand.
“I’m fine.” The words barely make it out before another wave of nausea has me heaving over the side of the toilet.
“Ciara?” The door handle rattles, and Ronan curses when he finds it locked. “Open the door.”
“I’m okay,” I manage to choke out. “It’s just a stomach bug or something.”
There’s silence for a moment, and then he sighs, low and frustrated. “I’m calling the doctor.”
“No! It’s passing; I already feel better than I did earlier.”
“Bullshit.”
I rest my head on the seat again and try to breathe through the nausea. “I’ll be fine, Ronan, I promise.”
There’s another pause, and then his voice softens, the frustration giving way to worry. “I was going to head into the city, but maybe I should stay home today, just until—”
“No. You’ve got too much going on. I’ll be okay.”
I try to stand, but my legs are shaking, so I have to grip the edge of the sink for support.
Ronan doesn’t answer right away. I can imagine him standing there, jaw clenched, fists probably balled at his sides because he can’t fix this. Ronan hates not being in control, especially when it comes to me, but this is one thing he can’t manage his way out of.
Finally, he exhales as he realizes I’m not going to give in to his demands.
“Fine. I’ll leave the doctor’s number on the kitchen counter, and if you get worse, you call immediately. Got it?”
“Got it.”
There’s another moment of hesitation, and then his footsteps move away from the door.
I exhale slowly before turning on the tap and splashing some cold water on my face, knowing that I’ve just bought myself some more time.
But at some point, that time will run out.
After cleaning myself up, I crawl back into bed and nap for an hour or two.
When I wake, the bedroom is fully flooded with sunlight, and my head is throbbing from dehydration.
I’m just about to psyche myself up to head downstairs in search of water and maybe an electrolyte packet when a soft knock sounds at the door, and I groan, wondering if Ronan decided to change his plans after all.
“I’m fine!” I call out as I bury deeper under the covers.
The door opens slowly, and when Ronan doesn’t make some comment about my health, I frown.
Peering over the top of the covers, I find Stephen standing in the doorway holding a steaming mug of tea.
He holds out the mug. “I figured you could use this.”
I blink at him. “You brought me tea?”
Stephen is nothing short of a human mountain. I can see why Ronan chose him to head up his new security team. His biceps alone are bigger than my thighs, so there’s no way I would be able to get past him even if I wanted to. But it’s his quiet demeanor that I find the most intimidating.
Ronan told me that he’s an ex-Navy SEAL, so I know those blue eyes are constantly scanning for threats and tiny details that normal civilians would miss. He’s a living, breathing weapon.
So, to see him standing in the doorway to my bedroom looking, dare I say, embarrassed has my lips twitching.
“It’s ginger,” Stephen walks over to the bed and sets the mug down on the nightstand. “It’s the only thing that helped my wife when she was pregnant with our twins.”
I freeze as I look up at him. “W-what?”
Stephen offers me a small, apologetic smile as he tucks his hands into the pockets of his dark jeans.
I cringe as I reach for the tea. “Is it that obvious?”
“To someone who’s seen it before, yeah.” He shrugs. “You’ve got that…glow. Plus, you’ve been hurling your guts up every second of the day and night.”
“I guess it really is obvious.” I sigh before taking a sip of the tea. It’s warm and spicy and instantly settles my stomach.
“How far along are you?”
“Nine weeks,” I reply before I can stop myself. “Shit, I shouldn’t be talking to you about this. Ronan… he doesn’t know.”
Stephen holds up his hands.
“Don’t worry, I won’t say anything. It’s not my place. But if I can offer some advice?”
I nod before taking another sip of my tea.
“Tell him soon. Ronan… He doesn’t deal well with secrets, especially not from people he trusts.”
“I know. And I want to. I just… The timing never feels right.”
Stephen shrugs. “It never will, but putting it off will only make it worse.”
I clutch the steaming mug in my hands, the heat causing a shiver to run down my spine.
“I’m scared.”
I don’t know why I’m opening up to my bodyguard of all people.
When Ronan assigned Stephen to watch me, I made it a point not to really talk to him out of principle. But of course, I should have known better. A little silent treatment won’t be enough to put this guy off.
He frowns. “You’re scared of him?”
“No. But I am scared of what this means for us and this baby.”
Stephen nods, but something in his eyes softens when I glance up to meet his gaze.
“That’s normal, but he’ll want to know, you know that, right? He’ll want to protect you both. It’s who he is.”
I know Stephen’s right, but his words aren’t quite enough to ease the fear that settles over me every time I think about telling Ronan he’s going to be a father.
“So, twins, huh?” I opt to change the subject.
Stephen chuckles under his breath. “Yeah… Two boys. They’re almost three now, which is crazy. Time seems to speed up the moment you become a parent.”
“I can’t even imagine looking after one baby, let alone two.”
“My wife is a machine, that’s how.” The look of pride in Stephen’s eyes as he talks about his wife creates a dull ache in my chest.
“That’s high praise coming from someone like you.”
“Trust me, hell week is a walk in the park compared to looking after two toddlers.”
“I didn’t even realize you were married, let alone had kids.”
“That’s how I like it. I prefer to keep my personal life separate from…”
“This life.” I nod.
His face gives nothing away, but I know I’m right, even if I don’t want to be.
“Thank you for the tea.”
Stephen dips his chin. “I’ll be outside if you need anything.”
When he’s gone, I stare into the tea as if it holds all the answers.
My stomach still churns occasionally, but the warmth of the mug in my hands is comforting.
I trust Stephen to keep his mouth shut, but he’s right.
Ronan doesn’t do well with secrets, and I’ve been keeping the biggest one of all from him. At some point, the truth is going to come out.