3. Avery
three
Avery
T he sanctuary is massive. I don't think I realized that when I was staying there. Now, standing at the entrance alcove and waiting for one of the sisters to come out and talk to me, I can see that the giant marble entrance is just the front of the building carved into this steep rock face.
I came to the sanctuary on my own this morning, asking Phial to give me a little space. It's early enough that most of the others in the clan are still asleep, and those that aren't haven't given me a second glance. As far as I can tell, it's a free for all sex wise at night, but during the day, they're all just going about their business and working. It made it easier to handle when I saw someone who looked like Vyron, the male who altered me and laughed when I was in pain.
"Avery?" Jia asks as she steps out of the sanctuary, wiping her hands on her furs. "What can I do for you?"
I open my mouth to speak, needing to ask her for a little more help, but the words get stuck in my throat. I know I'm messed up from what happened to me. Who wouldn't be? But I don't want to be scared of males forever. I don't want to think that I might get taken again at any moment, and I don't want to miss out on normal everyday relationships because I'm scared. I swallow the thick lump in my throat and force my tears not to come. Now is not the time.
"You said there's someone I can talk to," I say.
I hope Jia remembers talking to me during my heat about there being the Rytharian version of therapists in the sanctuary. I told her she could go fuck herself when she first mentioned them, but in my defense, I had also just begged for her to bring me Phial, and she told me she couldn't do that.
"Of course," Jia says, her face relaxing now that she knows it's not an emergency or something's wrong. "You want to speak with one now? I think Kithi's free."
"I mean, yeah, that would be great. If it's not a problem." I twist my fingers in front of myself. This is a good first step. I know it is, but it's still a scary one.
"Yeah, come in," Jia says, ushering me inside. She stands in the doorway for a moment after I pass her. She nods at someone, but I don't know who it is. I don't remember anyone else being out there, but that doesn't mean someone else hasn't come up. Jia shuts the door behind us and leads me through the vast cavern. "I'm proud of you for asking for help."
I clench my teeth together and swallow down hard again. Jia gives me a soft smile, understanding that it's still hard for me.
"We all need help sometimes, Avery. There's no shame in that, especially when you've been through something traumatic."
I nod, and she seems happy enough with that response. It's good because I don't know if I can give her more. Not right now, not when it's taking everything in me not to turn back around and hide in Phial's nest. Thankfully, the walk is short, and another female is waiting for us in the entryway into another smaller alcove in the cave system.
"Avery?" the female asks, reminding me how much better their sense of smell is than mine. I was altered to be like these females, but my sense of smell wasn't changed. Something Vyron took great pride in telling me because he said it meant I'd never find a scent match, something his kind takes great pride in. It was another way for him to show his power over me.
I nod to the new female and she gives me a bright smile.
"I'm Kithi," she says, stepping out of the doorway so I can move into the space. "Sit wherever you want." She closes the door behind her, sealing us in together with the soft trickle of water from somewhere deep in the cave system.
I take a seat on a plush chair, my legs tight together, my hands in my lap, fidgeting uncontrollably. Kithi sits on a couch near me and gives me a soft smile, waiting for me to make myself comfortable but not rushing me.
I lick my lips a few times, trying to work up the nerve to say anything. After what feels like hours but has probably only been a few minutes, I manage the courage even though my hands are sweaty.
"I'm scared. I'm really scared, and I don't want to be," I say, keeping my eyes on my hands, not wanting to see any judgment in Kithi's eyes at my confession.
"Okay, then let's work on that," Kithi says, her voice just as calm and soft as when she introduced herself.
I glance up at her and see no judgment or chastisement, just a genuine interest in my words. I wipe at the tears starting to spill from my eyes. Kithi hands me a tissue, and it all comes spilling out of me.
"The Intergalactic Alliance still hasn't cleared us for more missions," Alik says, his voice always on the edge of annoyance. "They want us to keep a low profile, but they still haven't told us why."
I don't look around at the others because we all know why they have to keep a low profile. I'm on the ship now, and with me on the ship, they have cargo that needs to stay hidden. They've never asked me why I might've been a target in a human smuggling operation or why I was altered to be compatible with a whole other species. I haven't been honest with them either. In my defense, no one has asked me so it's partially on them.
"You're all welcome to stay on Rythar," Holoth says.
Holoth's the Rytharian male that brought us to this planet in the first place. I went into heat way earlier than is normal for their kind, another present from Vyron.
Holoth left his clan years ago after killing some males who assaulted a female during one of their mating runs. He came back to this place he didn't want to be because of me, and thankfully, it all worked out. He found out the Varon female he was helping to get pregnant was his mate, and they decided to stay on this planet to build their family.
"We might have to," Alik says, rubbing the back of his neck as he looks over to Phial, who's standing beside me, seething.
Phial isn't happy about staying on this planet, and it doesn't take a genius to figure out why. There's a fifty-fifty chance of me getting triggered by walking outside and seeing a Rytharian who looks somewhat like Vyron.
"It might be for the best," I say, turning to talk to Phial. "I go through my heat every month. Going somewhere else doesn't make sense when we'll return here in a few weeks anyway."
Phial's feathers lift on his head, causing my lips to twitch upward. I don't know what causes the feathers to move, but it's cute how, every time, he immediately starts trying to smooth them down. While he works on fixing his feathers, I turn back to the rest of the crew.
Holoth has his arms wrapped around his mate, his head resting on her shoulder. Sloane's sitting in Jovi's lap, her fingers running over Alik's forearm absentmindedly while we all talk. Essa's leaning against the far wall, her tail flicking back and forth in a more irritable way than Phial's, which is lazily lying behind him, not even moving right now. Essa's tail is thinner, with a soft tuft of black fur at the end, whereas Phial's is thicker and tapers off near the tip.
"Look, I know you're all worried about me, but things are getting better." I might be exaggerating a little bit, considering I've only been to two therapy sessions, but I mean, things can only get better. "We can wait here until the Intergalactic Alliance tells us what to do. I can go to the sanctuary for my heats, and I can keep talking to Kithi."
"You're talking with Kithi?" Holoth asks, his brows rising on his forehead. The others all turn to him like they expect him to tell them why that's such a surprise. He shrugs his shoulder. "Good for you. My sister said she helped her a lot when I left."
The only one in the group who doesn't seem surprised that I'm talking to someone is Phial, who's still too preoccupied with his feathers. I laugh, and he catches it, the feathers rising again, much to his dismay.
"Okay, new plan: we stay on Rythar for a while," Alik says, moving to stand from the table now that our plans have been figured out. "We'll see if I can make it through this without killing a Rytharian."
"Tell your mate to stop dancing with the unmated females, and you won't have that issue," Holoth tells him, following the others out of the kitchen.
Alik shoots Holoth a dirty look. "You think I can tell her to do anything?" He looks at Sloane out of the corner of his eyes, and she throws her head back in a laugh. The sounds of their conversations die down as they walk through the ship and back out into the clan. Essa's the last one to leave Phial and me. She stands in the doorway, her tail twitching around again, more agitated than it seemed earlier.
"If you ever want to go out, I can keep you safe," Essa says the words with a calm finality to them. Her attention is on Phial, making sure he doesn't take her words the wrong way, even though they're directed at me. "More safe than any of the males." She emphasizes the word 'any' as though that will make Phial feel better.
"I can keep her safe," Phial hisses the words, his feather sticking straight up now. His claws fidget at his side, looking longer than they normally are.
"You can," Essa says, not backing down. "I can do it better. That's not a knock against you or any other male. I'm just letting her know that if she fears going out, I'll be there to protect her if she wishes."
Phial's jaw ticks back and forth slightly, and then he nods. A stiff, jerky movement that seems to appease Essa.
"Thank you," I tell her.
I know she's not exaggerating when she says she can keep me safe. I saw her get angry once at K'Vella. Something inside of her just snapped. Her pupils get all weird, her fangs grow long, and she makes the lizard part of my brain say run and hide. The safest place for anyone is with Essa, so long as you're the one she's protecting.
"I'm going to watch movies," Essa says, patting the doorway of the kitchen as she turns to leave. "You can join if you'd like."
"Movies?" I turn to Phial, giving him a hopeful look.
He's tired, or he looks more tired than he used to. He shifts on his feet, and I wonder for the first time if my friendship isn't exhausting for him. I don't see how it couldn't be. I rely on him so much, and I know I need to start relying on myself more. It's something I'm working on, but it'll take time. This could be my chance to give him a break, though.
"Why don't you go do something for yourself?" I offer so he doesn't feel like he needs to keep me company all the time.
"Yes, Phial, go find one of those females who's eager to be with you," Essa says from down the hall.
My heart kicks into overdrive at her words. I don't know why I care so much. Phial's just my friend. He'll always just be my friend. It shouldn't matter what he does with anyone else. He doesn't owe me undying loyalty, not when I can't give him a fraction of what he needs.
Phial's eyes are wide as he watches me digest Essa's words. He opens his mouth to say something, but I can't hear it. I don't want to know what he was doing during my heat. I can't think about that because even though it's unfair to him, it will break my heart.
"You should go do that," I say, giving him an unconvincing smile.
"I should go find a female?" Phial asks, his lips tight and his teeth clenched. "That's what you're saying?"
"Sure." I shrug. "Why not?"
Phial's feathers ruffle as his eyes widen. "Yeah." His throat works as he swallows. He turns away from me, walking down the hall toward the ship's exit. "Why not?"
The sinking feeling in my gut makes me want to throw up. Phial owes me nothing, not when I can't give him anything. He's my friend, and friends are allowed to sleep with other people without their other friends making a big deal about it.
Yeah, this is fine. I'm fine. I say it's fine a few more times until the ship door opens and closes, and then I'm at the waste bin throwing up the food I had earlier.
Perfectly fine.